Why women will come back after disappearing from your life, ask for another date, but flake out before it happens.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who is on the 4th read of 3% Man. Years ago, before he found my work, he met a woman who he says he was a total beta for. He bought her gifts, texted 24/7 with her, but never went on a date.
Eventually, he wised up and moved on, but she recently came back, suggested they hang out, but then she flaked out on the day of the date without any remorse. He asks my opinion on if he handled it properly. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
So, what’s interesting about these situations and what typically happens – especially like in this case, where he was kind of like a male orbiter for a period of time – the downside with this is that she formed an impression of him on what he was like in the past. Then, you don’t hear from a girl like this for awhile, and then she shows back up at some point later with seemingly high interest.
Sometimes it is high interest, and they’re really ready, or they’re into you, or their interest creeped up on them, and other times, they’re just looking for attention and validation – more than likely because the guy they were dating just broke up with them or ditched them, or they went through a breakup, or the guy they thought they were going to date that they really liked blew them off. Then they show back up, they’re all excited, and then the other guy comes back in the picture, and they blow you off without any remorse. And I believe that’s what’s happening here, which is typical.
But when things like this do happen, you want to make sure you handle it in a way that shows and communicates your time is valuable and you’re not going to get jerked around. So, it brings up a quote that I wrote that’s really important for this philosophy and how you want to interact. Because you want somebody that chooses you also. Not somebody that’s sitting on the fence, but somebody who would jump fences to be with you. They’ll make the effort. They’ll reciprocate effort. And way too many times, as guys, we don’t know any better. We’re all focused on our own interests, but we ignore the fact that the woman is not reciprocating. And you’ve got to give women the freedom to follow through on their commitments and plans with you, or to flake out and disappear from your life forever.
So, keep that in mind when you make plans with women like this or just women in general. Because you’re really trying to determine – and I go in extensive detail in 3% Man – is she also into me? Is she going to make the mutual effort? Because at the end of the day, in a relationship, it takes both people that genuinely like each other, and genuinely want to be there, and make the effort to be there. If you have a self perception that you’re not worthy, you’re not good enough, you’ll try extra hard and you’ll give people the benefit of the doubt when they don’t really deserve the benefit of the doubt. You’ll ignore red flags, and you’ll ignore the fact that they’re not reciprocating. You always want to bottom line the actions. The actions tell you everything, despite the flowery language and the sunshine that women often try to blow up a guy’s ass to make them feel better when they’re in the process of rejecting him. But the important thing is they still got rejected.
First of all, I would like to say thank you! I appreciate your videos and your books. I’m on my fourth read of your book 3% Man. I plan on reading it 10-15 times. I will get right to it here. I used to talk to this Filipina chick years ago before your work, I was a complete beta back then – texting her 24/7, bought her gifts at her store she managed, (in fear of losing her)…
So, it was a bribe for sex and a relationship. And how did that go?
…and we ain’t even went on our first date, was easily perturbed because I didn’t get a “good morning” text when she did it consistently at first, etc.
So, it sounds like she had interest, but being too soft and being too beta-like turned her off.
I ran her into her ex’s arm.
I wonder what that means. Was there a physical altercation? If something like that happens, is the juice really worth the squeeze? I would say, no.
She tried to make me into a side dude, and I had to cut her off because, although I was beta, I knew better.
Oh, so she had a guy she was seeing and wanted to keep you on the side. So, that right there, she’s disqualified from ever being a girlfriend, or indefinitely from ever being a wife. This is not somebody you become exclusive with. A chick that’s going to want to have a side piece while she stays with her boyfriend or a guy she’s dating or in a relationship with, no. Nope. Fuck buddy, friends with benefits, sex playmate. Make sure you wear your raincoat if you’re crazy enough to get involved with them.
Fast forward to now, since I ran into you, I have had successful dates. I did a complete 180 in my mindset with dating and women. I was able to choose if I wanted to go further or not with chicks.
So, the Filipina, (her pic attached).
She’s pretty hot. I’ve got to admit, she’s pretty hot. But this guy, he sent me a picture of himself, and he’s jacked. He’s in great shape, too.
One from the past had called me thru FB messenger out of the blue on my birthday saying, “Heyyy, happy birthday. I didn’t know you and my mom had the same birthday,” (she knew that I told her already back then). So, I said thank you. She was like, “So what you doing for your birthday?” I said, “Nothing too much. My best friend is taking me to see the new Dr. Strange movie,” which was really cool. She says, “Aw yeah, we ‘single’ people don’t do much for birthdays unless our friends call us up. We should hang out.”
Notice she’s communicating, “Hey, I’m single. Hey, we should hang out.” She’s suggesting the getting together, so he makes the plans.
So, without thinking, I set a definite date, (this was Wednesday, May 4th). I set the date to Saturday, May 14th…
It also gives her time to flake out or cancel at the last minute because, again, you want to make sure she’s really there because she really wants to see you. And so, you spread it out ten days like that. And if she’s having a moment of weakness herself, or the guy that she really liked or was dating seems like he’s going to disappear forever, what’s she doing? She’s calling all of the guys she knows to go out on a date with somebody else.
But in that ten days, potentially, the other guy comes back. And if the other guy comes back, what’s going to happen? She’s going to flake. She’s going to go from being excited, to not really caring one way or another. And this is how you help screen out and make sure that she’s really into you for you, and actually wants to go out on a date with you, and is not just using you for attention and validation.
…because I was busy the previous Saturday.
Again, that’s a good thing, because if you stretch it out further in the future, if she really likes you and has super high interest, she’ll make the date, she’ll make the plans. And if she doesn’t, it makes it easy for her to flake out. And if a woman is inclined to flake out, I’d rather have her flake out.
She agreed enthusiastically. I didn’t call her or text like I used to do. So the day of, (today), I sent a text a few hours before, (attached is the screenshot of it you can read). So, based off of that screenshot, I got stood up. She didn’t communicate to me if she was gonna be late or whatever, but so what, ha-ha. She was the one that hit me up. Her loss!! I consider myself as a great catch. I’m a tall Afro-Puerto Rican, I go to the gym, (my pic attached, Lol).
Like I said, he’s fucking jacked. Good job, dude. He’s in great shape.
I work in my career field in architectural designing for an elevator company designing elevators, making a little over $50k a year, and I’m one of the co-authors in a book releasing in the fall. Me getting stood up, it sucked, but I wasn’t perturbed. I was actually at peace, because it was an opportunity to apply your work.
I’m going to pull up the screenshot, here. And so, what he’s doing is the day of, he wants to push the date. They were supposed to meet at 6:00, so he was going to push it back to 6:30. And this is also a good test for women that you don’t have a lot of rapport with. Or, like in this case, I don’t know how long it had been, but she came back out of the blue and they hadn’t talked for quite some period of time.
But the same thing goes with women you’ve met online, you really haven’t talked to very much, you want to make sure they’re actually going to be there. So, if your date is at 6:00, you can text them earlier that afternoon. And here’s what he did and how he phrased it:
HIM: Hey you. I have a late Zoom meeting close to the time. We can meet at 6:30 pm instead of 6:00 pm. Does that work for ya?
HER: Let me double-check. I have a wedding inventory with my business partner. Let me check.
So, this was at 3:00 in the afternoon. Keep in mind, they were supposed to get together originally at 6:00. He’s trying to push it back till 6:30. So, at 7:11 p.m…
HER: Hey Bob, I’m running behind. I’m sorry. I owe you!!! Our wedding is May 28 and this bride is giving us the runaround.
That was at 7:11 p.m. So, at 7:37…
HIM: You’re good. We can do it some other time.
Yeah, you’re going to respond back with “some other time.” But, at that point, it’s past the time when they were supposed to meet. And so, the fact that he’s texting her, she says “let me check” at 3:10 and just leaves him hanging for like 4 hours and then goes, “Oh, I’m not going to make it,” that’s just rude. And at the end of the day, if you bottom line the actions, if you were a priority, she would have made sure she was available. I mean, she had ten days. She blames it on the bride, but the reality is she just wasn’t that into seeing you.
And I would say, if I was a betting man, more than likely it was because the guy that she was worried about it not working out with when she contacted you, things probably are going better with him. And so, that’s why she was like, “Eh.” Never try to keep somebody that doesn’t want to keep you. Always keep that in mind.
Did I handle it correctly by doing the takeaway in that screenshot?
I would say, yes.
What should I have done differently? What should be my actions towards her from here on out? I would really love your help.
I mean, there really wasn’t much you could have done differently. It just sucks that she waited until literally an hour and a half after you guys were supposed to meet to tell you she wasn’t going to meet. And it just shows she doesn’t respect or value you, or your time. And, you know, part of that is probably because of how you interacted with her in the past that she formed an opinion of you. And so, since she was able to waste your time in the past, she didn’t value your time because, quite frankly, you didn’t value it. You allowed her to waste it previously, so you taught her that it’s okay to waste your time.
But at the end of the day, she’s suggesting getting together, you made a date and then she just blows you off. Again, before she tried to make you into her side piece. And more than likely, that’s probably what was going on here. There was somebody else that she really liked. It didn’t look like it was going to go well, and so you were a backup plan for her, basically. And then her primary plans were looking good, it was looking good with the other dude, so she blows you off.
So, if I were you, I wouldn’t do anything. I mean, you could make a date with her once again, if you just want to be able to hit it and quit it once. If she reaches out and brings up getting together, make a date, hang out, have fun and hook up. I mean, you could try. Me personally, why waste your time? But I do understand from a guy’s point of view, it would be nice to be able to hit it and quit it. You’ve just got to feel better about the situation, because you’d like to get something in return for your troubles.
But if it was me, I mean, at this point in my life, if somebody like this came back with that kind of an attitude, I probably wouldn’t even respond to any of their texts in the future, because it’s just not worth it. You should focus your time and energy on somebody who is excited to see you and somebody who wouldn’t pull this crap on you. The fact that she did just shows that she just doesn’t respect you and doesn’t value your time. Therefore, if somebody doesn’t respect you or value your time, they shouldn’t get any of your time.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book coaching session with yours truly.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Give women the freedom to follow through on their commitments and plans with you, or to flake out and disappear from your life forever.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne