How to diagnose and figure out why she didn’t want to see you again after a date that you thought went really well.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss three different emails from three different viewers. The first email is from a viewer who had what he thought was a good first date. However, she was evasive and did not want to make a second date. The second email is from a guy who has been following me for two years, but only recently bought my book, “How To Be A 3% Man.” He says he followed the book on a recent first date, successfully seduced her and then got rejected when he tried to make a second date.
The third email is a success story from a guy who has read my book ten times and shares how he met a beautiful teacher and started dating her effortlessly. The three emails are a good contrast of how being smooth and charming makes dating effortless and predictable, but being too focused on seduction, following rules, over-thinking and acting robotic leads to rejection and failure. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the bodies of their emails.
First Viewer’s Email:
I have been following your work for a while and I’ve read your book 3-4 times and I plan to continuing reading your book 10 to 15 times. I’ve watched a lot of your videos as well.
The guys that have the problems are the guys who didn’t read the book 10-15 times. The great success stories are guys who read it 10-15 times, and they apply it relentlessly. Repetition is the mother of skill. The more you make repetitions, whether they are successful or not, the more you’re going to get feedback and see what works and what doesn’t.
When somebody is just reading the book here and there, and just trying to cherry pick a few tips from the videos, they’re not really as serious as they need to be in order to get success. They struggle because they don’t follow the instructions.
I met this stunning beautiful girl that knocked my socks of through a dating app. Ever since the beginning, she said that her schedule was very full since she is studying in university.
The reality is, interest and attraction level cuts through all of that. If she really likes you, she’ll make time in her schedule. And if she doesn’t, she’ll have excuses like, “I’m busy. Maybe we’ll try next week.” There will be a lack of enthusiasm.
What you’re looking for is a woman that actually wants to go out with you and who’s excited to see you. Way too many guys are focused on “Oh god, I hope this girl likes me. I hope she’ll go out with me. I hope it’ll work out,” instead of having the attitude that most women have, which is “Do I like her enough? Is she good for me? Is she a good match? Will we work out? Is she making me feel wanted? Is she making an effort to carry the conversation?”
I finally got her to a first date, and she was very nervous I could tell, but I turned it around and we made out for hours in the last hours on our date.
Right away your mindset is, “I hope she’ll spend time with me.” When you think from that perspective, it clouds everything you do and say. “I hope she likes me. I hope she accepts me for who I am.” That’s an approval seeking kind of mindset. I can tell you’re kind of down on yourself. Deep down, you don’t feel like you deserve to be there.
She wanted to follow me home the same night, but could not since she had a deadline on Monday that she had to finish with her friends. However, she wanted to see me the next day after our first if she had the time.
Notice, she’s giving the hint that she really likes you and wants to see you again. Sometimes women will say that because they don’t want to hurt your feelings. They’re trying to avoid any conflict, because sometimes guys get butt hurt.
I told her to contact me if that would be the case. It turned out that she did not have the time, so I told her to reach out to me the next time she was free so we could have another date.
I wouldn’t have accepted a maybe date. If she had reached out the next day to say she had a really good time, I would say, “I did too. I’d like to see you again. What’s your schedule like?” If she says she doesn’t know, tell her “Okay, check and get back to me, and we can plan something then. I’d love to see you again as well.” You’ve got to have some rapport. You can’t be like an asshole or a robot.
If she’s saying “I don’t know. I’m going to have to check my schedule,” you want to give her the opportunity to get back to you or not. If a woman really likes you, she’ll actually get back to you. And a woman who doesn’t, she’ll just blow you off. Would you rather spend your time and money on a woman that you had to pursue extra hard, or a woman who’s like “Sure, let’s get together.”
When you’re used to women not getting back to you, you’re not going to like that response. You’re going to try to lock her down right then and there. But if you have the mindset of “I want to know that she’s really into me and has the attitude that she’s glad that I’m there.” If she doesn’t, why would you want to spend your time with somebody like that?
She said that her schedule is very full, but she agreed to contact me when she knew when her schedule was free. Three days later, she wrote to me again by saying “Hey there I’ve had a rough couple of days whats up with you?” I immediately responded, “I’m sorry to hear that, but why don’t we talk about this on our next date.” She agreed, but I was busy on this upcoming weekend until Thursday, so I told her that I would come back to her to check her schedule later.
A week went by, and I contacted her again and asked when she was free to see me. I suggested immediately that we could have dinner at my place on a day that suited her.
What do you think about that? You had one date, you made out, and what do you think you’re communicating by immediately setting a second date and just inviting her over to your place like that? It would be different if she had already been over there, you had slept together and you had seduced her, but you’re basically communicating with that statement, “Hey, why don’t you come over and we’ll fuck.” What do you think that makes her feel like?
She responded again that she was unsure of her week and gave me a bunch of maybe answers, so I immediately withdrew the offer and told her to get back to me when she knew her schedule.
Obviously, inviting her over to your place, you were saying, “I just want to bang.”
I did not hear from her for about 10 days, so on the 10th day I contacted her again.
The damage is already done at this point.
I asked her how she has been, but got the response from her that she forgot to get back at me and also told me this very confusing comment: “Since we aren’t able to talk about anything other than when we should meet next, I feel like just laying it off.”
She didn’t forget to get back to you. She’s basically saying, “I’m not interested in us just getting together to fuck.” You’ve got to learn to read between the lines.
I responded by saying this, “We can talk, but I think its better to call on the phone then just text back and forth. But ideally its best to meet up, because that’s the whole point?”
So now you’re trying to argue with her and rationalize. What she’s saying is “I don’t feel safe and comfortable.” The best response is “What do you mean? Why would you say that?” Get her to explain it. If she said, “Well, it just seems like you want me to come over to have sex,” you say, “Oh, I’m sorry if I made you feel that way. We’ll go to dinner somewhere.”
You’re thinking like a robot. “I kissed her, we made out, now it’s time to go to the bedroom.” Guys do that. Each date is totally independent on the other dates. Guys often make the mistake, because we think logically, step 1, step 2, step 3, that a week later we’ll just pick up right where we left off on the last date. You’re thinking, “We made out, we were all over each other, she’s probably ready to go now. I’ll just invite her over to my house so I can give her the old pork sword, and it will be great.”
I continued by saying, “Alright I tell you what. I’m not looking for a texting buddy. I just want to say that I had a great time with you last time, and I think you are a cool chick that’s fun, have interesting common interests, you are a great kisser and you are fucking gorgeous. I had two date suggestions in mind for us. But I leave it as this. If you ever figure out your schedule and you are free to meet up you can call me, or text me. I would love to see you. So until next time, take care.”
She did not reply… But what the hell went wrong here? I think I did everything pretty much close to textbook.
I’d say nope. The idea is, everything in my book “How To Be A 3% Man” is not etched in stone, exact science. There’s got to be some give and take. The reason I say to read it 10-15 times is because when you read it that much, you kind of understand the ebb and flow of things. You’ve only been through it a couple of times. You’ve got a lot of ideas floating around in your head. You’re in your head thinking, instead of just naturally responding, and that’s the problem. You really weren’t prepared.
You didn’t really understand the flow of things. When you encountered resistance, you didn’t really know how to handle it, or what kind of resistance it was, or what it really meant. You just went right with the robot like you’re on a sales call. The bottom line is, there was a lack of rapport. You invited her to come straight over to your house for a second date, which is basically like, “Just come on over so we can fuck.” Bad way to go dude.
Second Viewer’s Email:
I’ve been following you for two years now and bought your book after six months, because as you say cherry picking off your videos doesn’t work. I’ve listened your book three times now, (I know I have to read it more). I’m 23, and I’ve been decent at getting girls in my life. I’m never uncomfortable talking to girls, and I’ve had 5 girlfriends now with all of them lasting 6 months. I just wanted to give background.
Four weeks ago, I matched with girl on Tinder, and things went normally. I broke the ice with a few questions, gave her my number, so we could text instead, (I didn’t call her since we had already been previously texting on Tinder), and then planned a date, day and time.
So far so good. There’s nothing wrong with texting. The reason I suggest calling is because it’s more masculine, plus you can react to the tone of her voice, which you can’t do with text.
A couple days after that, I met her out for drinks and pool and darts. At this point we were having good conversation, but no physical escalation. Then we tried to go somewhere to dance, but it was the middle of the week, so it was dead, so we just talked. At this point we held hands as we left.
Things seem to be naturally progressing. That’s good.
Then we drove to a Karaoke bar, and we sang some songs and kissed.
So you’re doing some physical things, you’re acting a little goofy, you’re having some drinks, physical interaction. That’s good. All great at building comfort and rapport, and making her feel safe.
When we were leaving, (I can’t remember exactly what I said), I too overtly suggested that we go to her place, which was a block down the road, but she agreed. When we got back we talked a bit, then started making out which escalated. I was not planning on having sex with her, (which I said),
I wouldn’t say that. James Bond would never do that.
because I like to have sex with people I really care about, but I felt comfortable with her, so we did have sex. I’m pretty sure it was good for her. She had a bit dry, so she was sore after, but she was satisfied at least physically.
Well, in my personal experience, when a woman’s turned on, it’s fucking dripping wet. And when she’s not, she’s dryer than a fucking bucket of sand. That’s only going to come with experience and time. When you get women wound up, it’s not a problem.
When we got up we messed around more, but didn’t have sex because she was sore. Then we slept again until noon, which I don’t think either of us liked, because we slept in too long, but talked for another two hours before I left to eat.
I waited four days and then had this texting exchange:
Bob: “Hey Jessica, hope your weekend has been going well. I had a great time with you last week and I’d love to see you again. What’s your schedule look like this week?”
Jessica: “It was really great meeting you, but I’m going to politely decline that second date. Hope all the best for you!”
Bob: “That’s a real shame. I really enjoy spending time with you. If you change your mind, feel free to hit me up. Hope all the best for you too.”
I now have no clue what went wrong.
It sounds like it was probably drunk sex, and it wasn’t very good sex. The bottom line is dude, if you had really rocked her world and fucked her brains out, she would have gone out with you again. But the sex sucked, and you guys were probably shitfaced together. She’s probably not going to hook up with you again.
Neither of us talked about seeing each other again. She asked in the morning how the date went, and I sarcastically and playfully said “definitely a 2.” I did make a stupid comment about how much I could bench, (which is only 200). That may have come off cocky. I asked if she liked some of my favorite things and could have been to check boxes. I also was too confident about knowing she would have me over. I don’t know if I was distant, or relationshippy, or she just didn’t have that spark, but even as I left we were kissing and things seems good, so I don’t know what went wrong.
Let me know what you think and what I should do.
I would say the big thing is the sex hurt, and it wasn’t very good, even though you thought it was awesome. I mean, you didn’t get the second date. And you didn’t elaborate too much, but maybe in some of the texting you kind of come off as an ass. I’d say thing big thing is the drunk sex where she’s dryer than a bucket of sand. If you have sex with a girl, she’s dry, and you’re not using any kind of lubricant, the next day she’s going to be like, “Yeah, I’m probably not going to get together with that guy again.” Do betterer next time!
Third Viewer’s Email:
I bought your book about a year ago after a breakup, (apparently like the vast majority of people), and I’ve read it 10 times so far. Your work has helped me tremendously! I’ve had so many more dates with stunning women, it’s mind-boggling.
I met this drop dead gorgeous teacher, got her number and made a definite date immediately. I didn’t contact her at all, and the day of she called me and said she was was wondering if the date was still on.
Obviously, she called because she had a high level of interest in going out with you. That’s a good fucking sign.
I told her that we made plans, and I’ll for sure be there, (she actually seemed a little worried I would blow her off).
The only reason she was worried was because she really liked you.
I took her to a couple of different date spots on the first date, and was able to end the date in the bedroom. The morning after first date, she said she didn’t understand why she did that, and she’s is a little upset that “she let me have my way with her.”
Remember, sex has to be your fault, so she’s got to say, “Hey, as long as this is all your fault, then I can absolve myself from the blame, and I won’t feel guilty. And I’ll probably fuck you again real soon.”
I just laughed and jokingly said that she didn’t seem upset when she was moaning my name last night. She just giggled after that and gave me a hug.
Remember what I talk about in my book, women tend to take these little things and they blow them up like, “Oh my god, I can’t believe I had sex with you.” But you communicated in a charming way that it wasn’t a big deal.
She has tested me a couple of times by saying she wants me to come over, but “she needs to catch up on sleep.” (We’ve already had a few all night sessions.)
So obviously, she’s been to your place, you’ve been to hers. There’s no problem making dates at each other’s house or inviting her over. You don’t do that on the second date when all you did was kiss on the first date. You’ve got to follow the process.
I just give her the take away, and she almost always changes her mind on the spot and begs me to come over.
That’s the unattached, take it or leave it attitude.
She has even told me because no other guy is ever this indifferent with her it drives her crazy, without being a “cold fish.”
That’s one of the differences that makes a difference. It’s not being an indifferent cold prick or cold fish, but it’s being charming and playful. Like everything is always irie.
We live in a small state with the population less than San Francisco, so a beautiful woman is chased relentlessly here.
Yet, they like the guys who don’t chase them and are okay with not getting together.
Your work has taught me to let her do most of the contacting and chasing and that makes the world of difference! I’m going to continue to read your book, thank you coach!
Well, thank you for being part of the 3% Club my man. Something that’s important to recognize here is you’re letting her come and go. You’re cool with it either way. It doesn’t bother you either way. It’s like the cat analogy that I use in the book. You want the cat to sit on your thigh, you smack your leg and say, “Hey, come sit in my lap, and I’ll pet you.” The cat looks at you like, meh and the cat goes and does whatever it does.
Then a little while later, you go back to minding your business, and the next thing you know, the cat jumps up on the armrest of the chair where you’re sitting, rubs against you, and then slowly moves into your lap. That’s just the way women are. You extend an invitation, and you’re cool with it either way. You don’t get mad or upset or overly happy or depressed. You’re just like, okay cool. No problem, it’s all good. Irie vibrations.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“A woman wants to know that the guy she’s dating is there because he likes her personality and cares about who she is as a human being, not just because he wants her body. Nobody likes to feel used, manipulated or taken advantage of. In order to seduce a woman successfully, you must make her feel safe and comfortable in a non-attached way, so she feels free to stay or go without hassle. A man can accomplish this by going with the flow, diffusing tension with humor and not taking things personally.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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