How to determine why your lover is not in love with you, and what you need to do differently to ensure that they fall head over heels in love with you and want to be in an exclusive relationship with you.
In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has been dating a woman for about 10 weeks now. He says he was doing about 40% of the calling, texting, and pursuing up until this point. He says he’s been following what I teach in my book, but what’s frustrating to him is that she’s still not in love with him and does not do the things a woman in love will do according to the attraction level table in my book. Recently, he brought up the relationship question with her in order to gain some clarity of where he stands and how she feels about him. She basically told him that he acted a little too much like a beta male and not an alpha male and that he didn’t have enough “bad boy” in him.
The conversation resulted in her agreeing to be exclusive and have the boyfriend/girlfriend label, but he realizes since he brought it up, she obviously wasn’t feeling it. He asked my opinion on why she’s still not in love with him because he feels he’s been doing everything right according to what my book teaches. I tell him exactly what he is doing right, what he is doing wrong, and what he needs to do differently in order to make her fall in love with him.
I have purchased an email coaching session. Please critique the below email, or advise how I can go about this as I found the instructions confusing.
I met this girl about 10 weeks ago. I was out with friends, and although I was aware of her in the bar checking me out, I allowed her to ‘come into my orbit,’ which she did. (That’s what women do. When they like you, they help you.) I then reciprocated interest saying we should go out, and she readily volunteered her number. When I called the next week, she was very receptive to meeting up for a get together.
I’m 45, she’s 40, and from the start I thought my game was pretty tight, following the advice in your book and videos and making very few, if any, beta male mistakes. I felt we had a lot in common, and felt that she was pretty much into me, loving my guitar playing and varied dates that we went on. She said a couple of times in the early days, “there’s definitely something about you” and she didn’t know what. (You acted like a man — indifferent, mysterious, not like most guys she meets.) A while later she said I “had a very strong core,” which I took as bad boy/alpha characteristics. I allowed her to do most of the texting between dates, where she does probably around 60% of total texts. (You’re texting too much. The man should never do more than 20-30 % of the calling, texting, and pursuing. Any more than that is going to be too much.)
It’s been about 9-10 weeks now and I am, or at least was, pretty much head over heels with her. (Right around week 7 is when a woman will fall in love and want to be exclusive if you if you are following my book. If you are 10 weeks in and she’s still not in love, that tells me you’re doing too much pursuing.) I have, however, noticed that according to the attraction level chart, she hasn’t quite done things that put her in the 8-9 range. (It’s not going to happen for you until you back off and let you her come to you. Otherwise you come across as needy, desperate and you’re trying to force things.) Although sex is great and she appears on one level to be very into me, she would seem to be more in the 7 range if that, and never says things like “can’t wait to see you”, or “thanks for a fantastic night last night,” which I thought she would have been saying by now. (How can she be missing you if you’re still pursuing her 40% of the time?) It also seems strange when she seemed to be so keen on me from the get go, but over the last week or so, I had begun to subtly notice a kind of mixed message coming from her. (Her attraction level is going in the wrong direction. She’s losing interest.)
I decided that I would still be patient and wait until she eventually brought up the boyfriend/girlfriend conversation. She cooked me a nice meal, which she has done a few times, then we went out socially. She was looking hot as she usually does, and I was understandably very hot for her. When we were in the venue, I just wanted to be kissing her and showing the world that me and her were an item. (You’re looking for validation from other people to feel good about yourself which is not a healthy mindset. You should wait for her to initiate touching and kissing and instead of forcing the issue.) Unfortunately, she was not reciprocating with that level of affection, and was actually subtly flirting with other guys. I do get a lot of female attention myself, but she said that she liked that and wasn’t jealous at all, even saying she would like the idea of me flirting with other women while she did likewise with other dudes!
I said I was absolutely not into that, and we had a long conversation about where the relationship was going. (He wanted to know where he stood which is weak, beta male behavior.) Although I felt awkward being the one bringing this up, and had not wanted to, being the man and all, I felt I was forced into it given the context. (You forced the issue. That’s what really happened.) I said to her that I was just not feeling it from her, but she said she sometimes wasn’t sure about where she stood with me, and says she’s a bit shy. She thinks I am “predominantly a very kind man, as well as sexy,” but there’s “no badness” in me at all. Although this is meant as a compliment, I’m not sure whether she perceives enough bad boy, alpha male traits in me compared to the start. (You started out as an alpha male, but reverted to your beta male tendencies. The more you liked her, the more you began to pursue her.) I can’t understand this as I thought I acted alpha from the get-go, and my journalism career, purpose which I love, has been really kicking off from the time I met her. She did eventually say “let’s be boyfriend/girlfriend,” but I have serious doubts about the authenticity of this. Even though we spent a really passionate day together, and she cooked two meals, I decided to not make a definite follow-up date with her, and just see what comes back from her.
She has since texted me suggesting sex. (Wait to hear from her and make the date. Tighten up your game. You cannot replace the necessary pickup, dating and relationship skills.)
My response to him:
Your problem is very simple. You are still pursuing way too much. As my book states, the man should never do more than 20-30% of the calling, texting and pursuing. You are doing 40%. That is way too much after 10 weeks of dating. As I state in my book, the man initiates the courtship. Once the woman feels safe and comfortable, she will start reaching out more and more as her attraction level grows. It is obvious you touch too much, contact too much and are focused on when she is going to fall in love and want a relationship. This will never happen with the level of pursuing you are doing. At this point, she should have been doing almost 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing. You have not been following what I teach in my book.
Reading my book once, is your problem. I can tell from your actions and your focus, that you do not know the material well enough. You must read it 10-15 times. That is why you are in the situation you are in. You need to back off, wait to hear from her and then make the next date when you do. Let her come to you more. If she is not affectionate, back off and let her touch you first. I can tell from her actions, you are not doing that. You’re like a horny inexperienced teenage boy who can’t keep his hands to himself because he wants to lose his virginity. Women need to wonder about you and where they stand with you. She never gets the chance to do that due to your over pursuit. Hence her comment stating, “there’s not badness in you at all.” You’re acting like a dopey wussy.
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Women fall in love slowly over time. Men who tend to obsess over a relationship commitment, relationship or dating labels, where they stand, if she’s going to fall in love, and generally worry about what may or may not happen in the future, are going to prevent their women from falling in love with them. Why? Their behavior and actions are constantly communicating that they are not worthy and that they don’t deserve to be loved. Therefore, they try to force things, which makes the woman feel unsafe and uncomfortable. Any time a man does more than 20-30% of the calling, texting, and pursuing, the woman predictably will never fall in love with him and often will dump him, reject him, or friend-zone him.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne