Why She Reaches Out But Won’t Set Dates With You

Why a woman reaches out but won’t set dates with you.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who met a girl online. He decided to try to get to know her through chatting on the dating app instead of the method I teach in 3% Man. Now he’s paying the price for not following the book. She often messages him and seems to care about what he’s doing, but she won’t make any dates and won’t give out her phone number.

He wonders what’s going on. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a viewer who met a girl online and he decided to do the opposite with 3% Man teaches. He thought, “I’m going to try to get to know her through chatting on the dating app instead of what Corey teaches in his book, because I think you need to get to know a woman first before you ask for the number and you meet up and all that.” I don’t know how long he’s been chit-chatting with this girl, and now she will not give him her actual phone number and she won’t send any dates. Yet he’s like, “Well, she always reaches out and seems to care about me, but she won’t set dates.”

Again, this is why I say I’ve been teaching this for over 20 years, and this stuff has been perfected over the past almost 30 years that I’ve been doing this personally and obviously teaching it to literally millions of people all over the world in every spiritual and cultural background. It’s just constantly refined, constantly perfected, and the same things. I mean, 100 years from now, this stuff will work because it’s basic human behavior that is innate to men and women. If you want to go against it, then I mean, the book, 3% Man, is designed to keep you from wasting your time because there are women, Doc Love would have called them “professional daters.” You also have a lot of women that, quite frankly, just go online for attention and validation, but they’re not really looking to meet anybody. Then you got other women that are actually trying to catfish you, trying to get you hooked emotionally. Then they start asking for money and other things.

At the end of the day, you’re trying to find somebody who has enthusiasm, that’s looking to meet and date. A girl who wants to send a ton of messages back and forth, doesn’t want to give you her actual phone number, won’t make dates, is just using you for attention and validation and maybe baiting you later down the road by trying to emotionally hook you over many months by keeping you engaged, get you to start giving her money and other things, but you’ll never meet. Kind of like when you look at how Andrew Tate sets up his webcam girls, where they would dangle the carrot on them in meeting, and obviously they never would. The guys would keep sending money and they was always an excuse.

So the book is designed to keep these kinds of women, which are really just energy vampires and parasites, from wasting your time and potentially money. Obviously you get these young guys come along, they don’t have any life experience, anything, “Well, I don’t think that sounds right, Corey. I’m going to do it my way.” Doesn’t matter one way or another to me. If you want to beat your head against the wall, then so be it. Everything is designed to make sure you’re spending your time with good quality women, good prospects, women that have enthusiasm for you and that are sincere. Not chicks that are going to waste your time like this one is doing. Even if she may have had initial interest, because he was willing to try to get to know her forever online, it he may have potentially turned her off, but again, it just looks like she’s just not sincere. She likes the attention of validation, but she’s not looking to meet anybody. It could be that she’s morbidly obese and just cat-fishing him with pictures that aren’t even of her. That’s why you got to be direct, decisive, and get to the point. All you need to really do is send three, four, maybe five messages back and forth on a dating app. Then once she sees that you can carry a conversation, just say, “Hey, here’s my number. Let’s get on a phone call or FaceTime chat. Send me your number and I’ll give you a call. Let me know when you’re available. I’d love to chat, maybe meet up for a drink.” Pretty simple.

Women that are into you that are sincere about that will comply. They’ll either call you or text you, or they will give you their number. So you can call or text them. Then you don’t waste your time. More than a handful of messages back and forth. If she’s not willing to chat on the phone, she’s not willing to meet in person, you’re just wasting your time. That’s why it’s so much more effective just to meet women in person, but I know a lot of you guys, it’s just easier. You can hide behind the digital device, but just the amount of work and effort that you put into it, I mean, think about it. How much time is this guy spent texting her, thinking about her, laying awake in bed at night, pondering what she’s like, what it’s going to be like when he finally meets her? He’s putting all this emotional and mental energy and maybe chatting for this girl for many months, yet he doesn’t have her phone number yet and he doesn’t even know if he’s talking to a real person. Could be a dude for all he knows.

So just think about the emotional and mental time that’s invested over many weeks, many months, in these kind of situations, which really can just be avoided in a matter of hours or a day or two, just because you should be vetting them as well, making sure they’re a real person and not somebody trying to cat-fish you, because then you get all emotionally invested. If you guys remember a very famous case where a dude, I just saw it because the NFL draft just happened, it was a guy named Manti Te’o. I think he played for Notre Dame. He was like a linebacker. So he thinks he has a girlfriend and this is a woman. It turns out it was a dude that was cat-fishing him with pictures, and there was always an excuse why she couldn’t meet him or actually talk to him or give out her number. Then it just got ridiculous and even went on national TV and was like, “Oh yeah, people are after her.” Turns out the news and the media tracked this guy down. Turns out it was a dude just cat-fishing him.

So how embarrassing is that for a man? Or like a type A type of guy? NFL linebacker gets cat-fished by a man online that he thinks is an actual woman, and he’s in some kind of a relationship with her, yet he’s never met her or talked to her online because there was always a logical sounding excuse as to why. So the idea is you just don’t want to end up like this.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach,

Before I start I would like to thank you for your efforts.

I met this girl online, we chatted for a while just to get to know each other. I know you say the phone is just for setting dates, but I feel if you met someone online you need to get them to know you a little before asking for a date.

Well that’s true. You want to talk for at least 10 to 15 minutes on the phone. Even better, if you can do a FaceTime so you can see if they actually are who they say they are and you’re not getting cat-fished, and that they’re sincerely looking to meet somebody. Oftentimes, like the girls I’ve had on the podcast over the years, will talk about, “Chad Thundercock’s not available,” or the guy they really want to date not paying them too much attention. They think, “Oh well, I’m not that pretty. I’m not that attractive. Let me go online.” They get a ton of attention. They have zero desire or sincerity about meeting any of these guys. They’re just there to get some attention and validation. As soon as they get enough, they’re off the dating apps and they turn their profile off. So there’s a lot of girls that go on there for that.

Again, you’re trying to make sure it’s like, anybody that’s in sales, you want to make sure you’re spending your very valuable time with people that actually are sincere and potential buyers. They’re ready, willing, able, and open to dating. Time wasters and scam artists are going to keep you on the hook and waste your time and your emotional and mental energy. That’s just not good, because you don’t get any better by chit-chatting with somebody that you don’t even know is who they say they are.

I would like to know your opinion on that. I’m 21 and she is 35.

I’m sure the comments would be great on that.

I tried setting a date two times, but she told me maybe later. So I stopped texting. But the thing is she acts like she cares about me a lot, but I am confused why she won’t agree on a date or to give me her number.

At the end of the day, as the book says, you’re supposed to be looking at her actions, and the goal is to send a handful of messages back and forth and then say, “Hey, let’s get on a phone call and maybe meet up for a drink. Here’s my number. Give me your number. Here’s my number. Give me a call. Let’s set a time to talk when you’re available.” So it’s very simple because if she’s serious, sincere, she likes you, and she’s for real, she’ll give you her number or she’ll call or text you and it’s very easy talk for 10 or 15 minutes. If the conversation flows well over 10 or 15 minutes and you like talking to her, she likes talking to you, then you’re going to probably have a good date. If you talk to her for a few minutes and asking her questions is like pulling teeth, you don’t feel like you get anywhere, well then don’t waste your time.

What do I say? Easygoing, easy to get along with, and she’s nice to you. This woman is not easygoing or easy to get along with, and it’s not nice to keep a dude at arm’s length, even if she is supposedly 35. The bottom line is she won’t give him the number and she won’t meet him, so he’s wasting his fucking time. He’s not getting any experience. He’s just getting all hung up because he’s a little young, inexperienced, a little gullible and naive. So the book is designed to keep women like this from wasting your time, but if you want to reinvent the wheel and see what happens when you do, the opposite way I teach, makes for a great email. Other guys will hear this and go and be like, “Dude, it’s just so obvious.”

She texts me everyday and she asks about my day and if I am good and we have the attitude as if she is my daughter and she loves acting like that.

Is that his way of saying, “She refers to me as daddy?” It’s like, “Yeah, sure she does…” She won’t even give you her fucking phone number.

I would like to know your opinion on why she communicates interest and cares genuinely about me, but refuses to get deeper.

I mean, at the end of the day, what does the book say about my interactions? If she was sincere, if she was real, if she was normal and healthy, you would have had her number and a date by now. At the end of the day, she’s wasting your time. So if it was me, I would just stop texting her. If she wants to know why you stopped texting her, you’re not really replying, if she sends you a message, you can heart it. At the end of the day, if she doesn’t want to get on the phone, doesn’t give out her number, then you’re wasting your time.

Again, at 21, why do you want to? There’s only one reason to be if you’re 21 dating a 35-year-old. It’s just to get some experience with an older woman. That’s about all it is. Your goals and values are completely in a different place at that point. She could teach you a thing or two, but at the end of the day, you’d be getting totally cat-fished. So you got to bottom line a woman’s actions. That’s something right out of the book.

So here’s where he’s kind of rationalizing and coming up with ideas as to why she’s behaving this way.

My thoughts is because of the age gap or thinks it’s a big step to get to know me more since we only met online.

This sounds like this is a first woman he’s ever talked to with online dating. He’s 21, has no experience, but again, if you want to reinvent the wheel, beat your head against the wall, be my guest.

And what should I do now, just stop replying at all or retell her I am not interested in just chatting on the phone?

Thanks for your time!

Bob

You could just say, “Hey, here’s my number. If you ever want to chat, give me a call. Otherwise, it’s been great chatting with you. We’ve talked long enough. If you’re not interested in talking on the phone and meeting up for a drink, then I wish you all the best. It’s just just a waste of my time. I’m here on this app because I want to meet somebody. I’m not looking for a digital pen pal. So you’re either in or you’re out. Either shit or get off the pot.” So don’t let women, you’re 21 years old, dude. If you’re doing online dating, you should be meeting three or four different women a week and getting some experience in person face-to-face. Not this kind of bullshit.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.

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