Why women sometimes seem bored, less interested and pull away the longer you are together.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a guy who has been following my work for about two years and he says it completely transformed his dating life. His girlfriend of about thirteen months sometimes seems bored; less interested, lacks enthusiasm and is no longer displaying the signs she’s deeply in love.
He says she does 90% of the pursuing, so he doesn’t feel he’s over pursuing, yet his girlfriend is backing away and usually rejects his attempts at spontaneous dates. He wonders if the relationship has run its course. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
He’s thinking, “I’m not over pursuing because she does 90% of the contact initiation.” But if I look at her actions and some of the words she’s saying to him, I can tell that he’s trying too hard. In other words, he is more invested in the relationship than she is, so the power has flipped. And this is typically what happens the longer a guy is with a woman.
He’s writing me an email about the fact she’s not making any effort, but he’s saying, “Well, it’s not me. I’m not over pursuing.” But again, you can see little hints of it in his email. Because all you have to do is look at her actions and what she’s saying, and it doesn’t matter what he says or tells me, I can read right through it and tell exactly what’s going on.
I found your work about 2 years ago, and it has completely transformed my dating life, given me a better mindset, and helped me meet a quality of woman I never thought possible in my 30+ years of dating experience. After a bad breakup with a girl who belonged to the streets, I listened to your book on repeat probably 20+ times. I even bought copies for friends, and you’ve helped them as well. You’ve changed our lives. I never knew it could be this easy or this good, and I wish I’d have found your stuff 10 years ago.
If I had a dollar for every time somebody told me they wish they found my stuff sooner, or 20 years ago or decades ago.
The reason I’m writing today is my girlfriend of 13 months seems to be losing attraction and I don’t know how to deal with it best.
Well, just that line in itself tells me that you’re bothered and you’re perturbed by her mood swings. So, in other words, you’re getting involved in her moods instead of being the driver of the fun bus. Because the driver of the fun bus wants to have fun. And if somebody is not really excited, it’s like, “Hey, no problem. Maybe I’ll see you down at the next stop.” You close doors and you go on to the next bus stop.
Obviously, he’s in a relationship, so he’s not to be going out with other women, but he should be spending time with other friends and family. Because a lot of guys, the longer they’re with a woman, she becomes the sole focus of their life. The friends, the family, all those other relationships, they start to neglect and not pay attention or time on them. And before you know it, after many months or years have gone by, a lot of those relationships have kind of died on the vine, if you will, because you just stopped spending time with those people. And then your social circle shrinks.
And then, when she’s going to go and do something or have a girls night out or whatever with her girlfriends, you’ve got nothing going on because you let all of your other relationships die, and your hobbies, your interests — things you used to do that made you a well-rounded, interesting person. A lot of guys just give those things up the longer they’re with somebody, so they, in essence, change.
And a lot of those guys hear the women, when they’re not happy, say, “You’ve changed, you’re not the same guy that you were.” And you could see that’s obviously happening to this dude, because his sole focus is on her and what she’s doing for him. Instead of having the focus on himself and looking at her as a great complement to his life, he’s looking at her as a sole attention. All of his attention and validation comes from her. So, if things are good, he’s happy. If things are not, he’s not happy.
We are both in our 40s, active, and in great shape. Up until a month ago, she would bring up and talk enthusiastically about our future together and was always excited to see me and would say so. “You’re what I’ve always wanted in a man,” “I can’t wait to see you,” “I can’t stop thinking about you,” “It’s like I’m living a fairy tale,” are the types of things she’d text me throughout the week, as well as little daily updates.
As I talk about in “How To Be A 3% Man,” there’s the interest level chart. It’s the part of the book, “It’s All In The Numbers.” And so, what it is, it’ll show her interest. One to five, here’s a what a woman does. When a woman’s in love, her interest is 9-10, these are the things she does. And so, you’ll notice when you look at the the interest table that these things have stopped. So, that means her attraction has dropped. You’ve got to understand, it goes up and down, it ebbs and flows.
Just like cats. Cats want to sit in your lap, be petted, purr, and then after a while they don’t want to be touched anymore and they just leave, almost as if they completely lose interest. You can’t take it personally. You should be relieved that the cat wants to go and do something else, because it gets tiring to sit there and pet the cat all the time, or a dog. Anybody that has a pet knows that. And you get tired at petting the dog or the cat, and then they start nudging your hand again because they want to be petted some more.
So, how would you be if you kind of got bored with your woman? Because that’s kind of what’s happening here. You’ll see in a second some of the things that she says. You tell he’s too focused on her and he’s giving his power away, so she could tell he’s more into her than she is into him. And the reality is women like it better if they think they’re more into you than you are into them. I get a lot of grief about that, but the reality is women appreciate you more if they have to work harder for your attention and validation. They’re designed to it anyway, so give them what they need to make themselves and you happy.
She initiates more than 90% of the texting conversations and continues to make future plans together, but her enthusiasm for me has diminished lately. She is less flirty, less physical, and I can tell time together has fallen down her list of priorities relative to other things.
That’s the difference that makes a difference, right there. She’s prioritizing other things and you’re not. You’re expecting her to make the same level of effort instead of saying, “You know what, maybe I should call my mom, maybe I should call my dad. Maybe I should call my brother, or my uncle, or my best friend, or the guys from work, go have a poker night; maybe go on a guys weekend, or a whitewater rafting trip or something.” Go do something with other people, because she’s obviously doing that.
You should be excited about these moments. When her interest falls off a little bit and her effort falls off a little bit, absence makes the heart grow fonder. That is a fact of life. And so, you’ve got to understand that the kitty cat’s gotten a little bored, a little too familiar, a little too cocky, a little too sure of herself. Remember, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. You’re way too clear at this point. You’re way too bothered and perturbed that she’s not expressing the same level of enthusiasm.
As men, our natural instinct is to want to try to control it or force something or get her to do what we want, instead of going, “You know what? The cat got bored. I’ve got to catch up with the boys. I haven’t seen them in a while. We’ve got to go out and have some beers, throw some darts, shoot some pool; maybe go hang gliding, sky diving, rock climbing, go camping for two weeks,” whatever it happens to be.
She used to buy me little gifts all the time and write me notes and that has stopped that as well.
Yeah, her interest has dropped. She’s gotten too cocky, too comfortable.
Flirty texts and selfies have been replaced with the events of the day updates, and things feel flat.
Well, if she’s being boring in her texting, you should be kind of bored with her texting and be trying to get off the phone or out of the text exchange and go do something that’s more fun. Go where the enthusiasm is. Go hang out with those other people whose relationships you’ve been neglecting.
When I’m flirty with her, she’ll respond once or twice and change the subject.
That tells me you’re seeking her attention and validation. That’s subtle ways that you’re over pursuing, and you don’t believe you’re over pursuing.
It’s summer and we both have kids and lives and stress, (I own my own business and home and am really active in the gym and boxing), but she seems less willing to make time, and I am starting to feel taken for granted – even though we generally see each other at least once a week.
Most guys that feel taken for granted get angry, and they get upset, and they get butt hurt, and that communicates that you’re perturbed. You’re supposed to be unperturbable. When a woman is going off and doing other things, you should be like, “That’s awesome. Now I can hang out with my friends and family,” or “my kids” in this case. And then when she misses you more, you’re like, “Okay, we can get together.”
She is always submissive and compliant when we are together and when we make plans, but when I once in a while try to initiate something more spontaneous, I can count on one hand the number of times she’s jumped in with both feet, which makes me strongly question her level of attraction.
You’re doing too much, you’re trying too hard. You don’t realize it. Remember, when you’re experiencing pain in a relationship, it’s because you’re focusing on yourself. Women are a complement to your life, they’re not the source of your good self-esteem and your happiness and your fun. And the reality is you’re not recognizing the kitty cat’s a little bored, a little complacent. And so, you need to be going off and doing other things and make yourself scarce.
Take a little longer to respond to her texts. Don’t be sending those fun, flirty texts. And if she was taking you for granted the last weekend you spent together, make plans to go do something without her and don’t invite her — not because you’re trying to be rude, but just because, remember, the quickest way to get somebody else’s attention is to remove yours. And so, you have to be unpredictable.
You have to recognize that she’s not making the same level of effort, and she’s kind of taking you for granted. So, don’t take it personally. This is just the ebb and flow, it’s the way things go. Look at it as an opportunity to go have fun with other people who are expressing enthusiasm. Because you’re driving the fun bus. And if you’re driving the fun bus and you let a lot of grumpy, unhappy people that are bored get on your fun bus, your party’s going to suck. It’s like a turd in the punch bowl. You don’t want that.
She is always kind and grateful with her words about the dates I plan, and we’ve had sex every time we have seen each other for the last 13 months. She just seems less willing and/or excited to see me or put me higher on her priority list.
Again, you’re totally in the mindset of, “I’ve got to get her attention and validation. I’ve got to get her to like me.” That’s not masculine, that’s feminine. You’re thinking like a chick, and that’s a big reason why she’s kind of turned off.
It’s not “just the way she is,” as she has been enthusiastic in the past, and I’ve overheard her telling stories to her girlfriends about being spontaneous in the past – and she has been with me, (in the moment, on dates when we are already together).
Conversely, twice after a long weekend (3 days) together months ago, she said she felt like she needed some time by herself by the time Sunday night rolled around to recharge – which I responded calmly to and made myself scarce until I heard from her again, (4-5 days both times), and she acted completely normal when *she* resumed contact.
Ding, ding, ding! Pay attention to that. So, what happened is the kitty cat got bored and you didn’t become perturbed. You were just like, “Hey, I’m going to become scarce.” This is the way it goes. You should only want to spend time with her when she’s really excited to see you and she’s appreciative. And if she’s taking you for granted, you don’t want to spend time with her.
Again, you’re driving the fun bus and you want to have fun. And it’s not fun to be around a chick who’s not excited and enthusiastic and can’t keep her hands off of you. Like I said, call your mom, go see her. Spend some time with her or your sister or whoever. Go do other things with other people.
My question revolves around her losing attraction/enthusiasm, communication, and passion. I’m certain I’m not over pursuing.
Bro, guess what? Come on, man, you’re over pursuing.
It feels like I’m not pursuing at all, as she initiates all the conversations.
Well, that’s the way it’s supposed to be. That’s what the book says if you’re doing it right.
I find it really hard to maintain some mystery when she reaches out to me so many times a day – even though I often respond minimally and probably give one response to her 3 messages. Maybe I need to say “no” more often when she tries to schedule time with me just for the sake of being scarce?
Well, like I said, I’d take a little bit longer to reply to her texts, and I would spread out. If you spent last weekend with her and she was kind of, “Eh,” if that was the attitude, then maybe the next weekend be busy doing something else. “Oh, hey. I’d love to see you this weekend, babe, but I can’t. I’ve got to do this. I’ve got to do that. I have to see my parents,” or “my friends,” or whatever.
Plan some things and go do them with other people, and then let her notice that you’re spending less time with her and you’re cool with spending less time with her. That’s the important thing, that you’re really happy that you’re doing other fun things without her. Not that you’re trying to rub it in her face. It’s just that you went and did things with other people, and you had a blast without her.
And then she’s going to start to wonder, “Is he not as into me? Is there somebody else? Did I do something to upset him? Does he not care about me?” If a woman’s thinking about you and talking about you to her girlfriends and her friends and family, guess what? Your interest is going up, and that’s what you want.
In accordance with what you teach I plan about one date every week or two and talk on the phone once a week or less for 20-30 minutes.
Well, I wouldn’t be doing that, I wouldn’t be talking on the phone 20 or 30 minutes. You should be doing that in person. And if she calls you and wants to talk, “Why don’t you bring your cute little ass over and bring a bottle of wine.” But, you know, maybe she’s got kids. I’m not sure.
We see each other one weeknight here and there and have had the occasional weekend away. I’d say we see each other once every 4-5 days on average.
What would happen if you didn’t see each other for two weeks, just because you all of a sudden filled your life up with things with other people, because you noticed she’s kind of taking you for granted. This tells me that you’ve kind of neglected your friends, and your family, and your other relationships, and social activities, and hobbies to focus solely on her.
Most of which are times she requests or has made herself available. The more I feel her step back, the less I respond to her and plan things with her, (matching/mirroring).
Well, that’s what you should be doing, but you’re bothered by it. That’s the problem.
I don’t like how much she likes to lock in future plans with me way ahead of time, (security for her), but so often turns me down when I initiate something more spontaneous, (like her flirting a little bit and me telling her to come over on a weeknight – which she passes on 95% of the time).
Well, obviously, if you keep asking her to do something and she keeps rejecting you, it’s kind of, come on, man. You’re not matching and mirroring in that case. These are little subtle differences that make the difference.
It feels like she doesn’t really desire me.
You know what, in this moment where she’s at right now, yeah. She’s just taking you for granted, because you’re trying too hard to get her attention and validation. You’re too focused on things a chick focuses on, instead of focusing on the things a man should be focused on. That’s your problem.
She says she wants to but never does. (Actions > words).
It’s true, but you’re ignoring the fact that 5% of the time when you try to do something spontaneous, she turns you down. You’re asking to do spontaneous shit way too much. Let her bring it up first. Don’t ask to do anything spontaneous unless she brings it up. Let her do it. Dating is like tennis, and you’re ignoring that rule. You’re hitting multiple balls over the net and they’re not getting hit back.
What am I doing wrong?
Well, I think I’ve explained it pretty well.
Am I splitting hairs?
No, you’re over pursuing, and you’re seeking her attention and validation, and you’re not spending time doing other things with other people. Like I said, what would happen if you didn’t see her for two weeks and you didn’t do any 20 to 30 minute phone calls in those two weeks because you were busy? Maybe take your your kids out of town or you go camping with the guys and the kids. And she goes and does something, and you’re like, “Hey, I’m going to be going out of town next weekend with the guys. We’re taking the kids camping,” or whatever.
Has the relationship just run its course?
No, her interest has dropped because you became boring and predictable. It happens, it happens all of us.
Is it time to date other people and just move on?
I wouldn’t say that.
I just don’t know. How can I pursue her even less to keep her interest when I’m not initiating conversations and only making plans once a week or so?
Don’t make plans every week. Have a week where you don’t see each other. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Remember, you noticed yourself in the past when you matched mirrored her properly and you didn’t see each other or you didn’t hear from her, four or five days went by, and her interest and enthusiasm returned. You’re becoming impatient, and you’re not waiting, and you’re looking for ways to force it. And women can pick up on that. They can tell that you’re perturbed.
I want my sweet, loving, enthusiastic girl back who is dying to be with me and rip my clothes off, not a girlfriend who feels like she is starting to take me for granted, fit me in some sort of time budget, and just has me around to keep her entertained and adventuresome instead of bored, in exchange for sex and some romantic security.
Like I said, you actually need to spend less time with her. The quickest way to get someone else’s attention is to remove yours. As a man, you’re just going to look at it and go, “You know what? Her enthusiasm level and effort is not acceptable, and therefore, I’m going to give her the gift of missing me. I’m not going to ask her to do anything spontaneous until she brings up doing something spontaneous.” And instead of seeing her every week like you do, like a robot, be busy for a couple of weeks where you can’t see her and you don’t have time to talk on the phone for 20 to 30 minutes.
Please help. As much as I know the “next one is always better,” I would like this one to work out.
Yeah, because if you don’t fix this with her, the next one you’ll have the same problems with. And I’d say a big part of it is, over time, you got soft over the last 13 months and you’ve kind of gone back, without realizing it. Because, like I say all the time, this doesn’t happen overnight. It doesn’t happen in a few days or a few weeks. We’ve got 13 months, and you’re starting to slide back into the old version of you that’s worried and perturbed about everything she does or doesn’t do that you expect.
She’s a great girl and we really seem to enjoy each other when we’re together.
Thanks again for all you do. You have changed my life. Thanks for your time and consideration,
So that’s what I would do. I mean, quite frankly, it’s a pretty simple solution, but obviously when you’re in it and your emotions are involved, it’s hard to do the right thing.
I would encourage you to get back to reading “How To Be A 3% Man” again, because it’s probably been a while since you’ve been through it. And I would also encourage you to read “Mastering Yourself,” a book on self-reliance, and “Quotes, Ruminations and Contemplations.” All of these books are available in the members area on my website. Just subscribe to the email newsletter.
And if you’ve got a question or a challenge in your own personal or professional life and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Women are like cats when it comes to romantic relationships. Familiarity and spending lots of time together tends to cause them to become bored and display signs that their interest is dropping. Men should not take this personally. It’s simply part of the ebb and flow of a woman’s heart that changes like Mother Nature changes the weather. Just like getting upset that the weather is not what you expected or wanted does nothing to change it, a man should never get upset or perturbed that his woman’s current romantic interest and effort is not what he wants or expects. Absence really does make the heart grow fonder. Too much of anything results in a loss of appreciation. When your attention is not appreciated or reciprocated, place it elsewhere where it is. Go where the enthusiasm and fun is. Other friends, family and social activities should also get your time and attention to achieve a truly balanced life.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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