Why She Should Do All The Pursuing After No Contact Works

Why she should do all the pursuing after no-contact works & she comes back.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who got dumped after about seven months of dating with a former colleague. He went no-contact and after about two months she came back. They started hooking up again, but he started pursuing her 30%. Eventually she broke it off again and said she didn’t want to remain friends.

He asks if no-contact will work even when she doesn’t want to remain friends. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email from a guy who was dating a girl for about seven months, I guess a former work colleague of his. They started hanging out, having fun, hooking up and I guess after they got together with a bunch of her friends, he’s kind of introverted, she’s very extroverted, she kind of got on him for being quiet and not really engaging with her friends. Shortly thereafter, I assume probably because the friends didn’t like him, she dumped him.

So he goes into no-contact for I think it was a month and a half, two months. She comes back, they start hooking up again, but where he made the mistake was he didn’t actually follow what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, because as it states in the article and video that I released, it’s probably been out at least 10, 12 years now at this point, is that the purpose of no-contact is you and her, the other person, can’t agree on terms. You want sex and romance, she often wants to friend-zone you or stay broken up, and any self-respecting man who loves and values himself is just not going to sit around. He’s going to go find somebody else. He’s not going to try to change your mind, he’s not going to beg and plead with her. He’s just going to move on with his life and say, “Hey, if it doesn’t work out, get in touch. Call me if you change your mind,” that kind of thing, and then he moves on with his life. So if she starts to reach out, again because she messed it up, she unilaterally ended the relationship. Therefore, she’s unilaterally got to fix it. She has to earn another chance with you, not the other way around.

So she’s coming back after she broke it off and friend-zoned you, or tried to friend-zone you and you didn’t want to agree to it, then there’s no reason to call or text her for any reason, and if she does, reach out. After a period of time, you assume she wants to see you and you just make the next date. You invite her to your place. She has to come to your place three times in a row, and as long as she comes over all three times in a row and you hang out, have fun and hook up all three times, then you can meet her out and pick her up after that. Still, you got to let her do 100% of pursuing. This particular guy, he started pursuing her again. Once she came back, he was doing about 30% of it. Once again, she’s broken things off, and she said she didn’t think they could remain friends because they would just end up hooking up again and she doesn’t think that’s a good idea or it’s not going to work long term. The problem was, is because he was still pursuing her, which he shouldn’t have done. He got in the way of her missing him and really developing strong feelings for him to where it’s her idea to be in a relationship, and next time around she’s head over heels in love with this guy and her friends talk shit that they don’t like him or whatever reason, she’s going to tell her friends to go pound sand because she loves him, but it never happened because he didn’t really follow instructions.

It’s a good email to learn from because this is what typically happens. I see the same thing in my phone sessions. Guys that did this, they went no-contact, the girls started coming back, then they started re-engaging and pursuing again. Then the woman starts backing off and eventually they get dumped a second time around because instead of letting her seek their attention and validation and fix things, they’re trying to speed things up, and all they end up doing is chasing the girl right back out of their lives because again, she unilaterally ended it. Therefore, she’s unilaterally gotta fix it. If you don’t give her the time and space to do that, she’s not going to fall head over heels in love and want to be with you all the time and tell her friends to pound sand when they talk shit about you.

Let’s go through his email.

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

Big fan, found your work several months ago, listened to the audio-book about five times since then (Yeah I know, not enough. Working on it!), which changed my whole view on the dynamic of relationships. 

Well, it’s great that he’s come across my work, but when he’s in the middle of a situation like this, it’s really hard to do more things right than wrong because he really cares. Rejection breeds obsession, and it’s extremely hard for guys who are new to exercise self control and follow things that I teach, and when they don’t follow it, this is predictably what happens. They, in essence, chase the girl right back out of their life, which is what’s happened now, because he kept pursuing her as well. Which is counterproductive, especially in these situations.

Last December…

So I would assume that was December of 2023.

…I started talking to a girl who was a former colleague and we matched quite well and quickly hit it off. We had a great time together, sex was perfect, she was mostly chasing me, etc. Things were pretty good. This continued until about June (So seven months) where we went to a spa weekend together with some friends and there I acted like a kid and was sulky and didn’t want to speak to anyone while we were having dinner and was looking at my phone.

So if she’s head over heels in love with you, you can get away with that, but when you’re doing too much of the pursuing, because women don’t dump men they’re in love with, they dump men that they’ve lost respect and attraction for. So that’s why it’s so easy just to all of a sudden end. Guys will see this and go, “Oh well, it was just one fight,” or “I just had one off night,” but this just happened to be the impetus for the girl to pick the fight and blow it up, because this has been stewing in her mind and her heart for some period of time, and now this is just the straw that broke the camel’s back to where she can kind of pick a fight and then blow it all up and the relationship, because that’s typically what they do.

This happened because she was giving me the silent treatment because I didn’t go and meet one of her friends when I dropped her off at hers and then picked her up, right before going to the spa weekend.

Well, you shouldn’t be giving your significant other the silent treatment. That’s not very loving. That’s abusive. It’s emotional and mental torment.

She would say that for her it was really important for me to meet her friends and that I was not putting enough effort into this (According to her), which she did not like.

Well, more than likely at this point, it doesn’t sound like they were boyfriend/girlfriend either. They were just kind of fuck buddies, friends with benefits, sex playmates. If you’re seven months down the road and she hasn’t asked you to be her boyfriend, you’re just a booty call, basically. So that tells me her interest went up early on, and then it just kind of flat-lined and probably declined as time went on. So she was looking for an out, and this weekend basically gave her enough of an issue to cause a problem, blow it out of proportion and go, “Well, we just can’t be together.”

She also told me that she thinks I don’t want to spend time with her and other people and only spend time with her, the two of us. She thought so because I had been a bit silent when we were meeting with her friends, but from my point of view I’m just more introverted than her and have been taught not to speak if I don’t have anything to add to the conversation or anything nice and funny to say.

Well, if your girl that you’re dating is introducing you to friends and family and you just sit there like a bump on a log and you don’t acknowledge anybody or say anything and you’re on your phone, they’re going to think you’re a fucking weirdo. You got to be social. Especially if she’s introducing you to people that are close to her for the first time. You act like that and her interest isn’t really high, that’s enough for her to dip on you.

That’s another reason why in the book you don’t do group dates until she’s head over heels in love with you and your boyfriend/girlfriend, and she’s asked for that, because if you do, oftentimes, I’ve done many video newsletters over the years where guys did exactly that. They started hanging out with friends and family after only a few weeks of dating. Oftentimes they drink a little too much and say and do things that they later regret or quite frankly, don’t even remember. Then that’s all it takes to have one of her close friends to torpedo your romance, but if she’s in love with you and one of her friends tries to torpedo the romance, she’s going to defend you to them. Again, you’re trying to get her to the point where she’s in love and she’s emotionally anchored to you, so these things don’t happen.

She is quite extroverted and likes to talk a lot, we talk a lot between us when we’re together, mostly me asking questions to make her feel heard and understood.

She gave me the big silent treatment for about a month and dumped me around early July due to the reason above and said that she doesn’t feel like this should go on anymore. I told her that I want to continue the relationship and that I’m not keen on a platonic friendship with her, and to contact me if she changes her mind. I went on with my life and did not initiate contact anymore.

Well, that’s how you’re supposed to do it. When she says she doesn’t want to be with you anymore, you move on with your life. Then typically when you just disappear like that from one day to the next, maybe she goes out on a few dates with other guys that don’t go well, and she thinks, “Well, that ex-boyfriend wasn’t so bad.” Then she reaches back out. Your job in the courtship, as the book says, is create the next opportunity for sex to happen and hang out, have fun, hook up. That’s it. Focus on that. It’s not about getting back together or having a relationship. It’s just hang out, have fun, hook up. She wants to talk about the past. She can do that. You’re not trying to get her back or win her back. You’re just creating the next opportunity for sex to happen. It has to be her idea to get back into a relationship. Trying to talk her into that, or trying to logic and reason her into wanting to be back together with you usually backfires, resulting in her saying she needs more space or she needs time to process her feelings. Things like that.

At the end of the day, you don’t get back together because it’s your idea instead of her idea. Since she unilaterally ended it, she’s got to unilaterally fix it. You got to give her the space and time away from you to wonder about you, to think about you, to miss you and to slowly come back at her pace and have her interest go up to the point where she wants to be in a relationship with you.

I know it’s really hard when you’re in this because I struggle with it. I mean, I wrote about it in the book, took me about a year and a half to really get the sweet spot between pursuing too much and not enough in situations like this where even though the girl is reaching back out, she still is trying to keep me in the friend zone. Then you got to get to the point where you realize when you’re trying to set dates and she won’t meet up with you, even though she’s reaching out first, you realize it’s counterproductive to even bring up getting together. So you don’t do anything, you’re nice, you’re polite, you talk for a few minutes on the phone, “Hey, it was great hearing from you, but I got to run. I’ll talk to you later.” If it’s text two or three texts back and forth, “Hey, great to hear from you, but I got to run. I’ll talk to you later,” and you just don’t bring up getting together. Unless, of course, she brings it up first.

If she’s the one bringing it up, it’s her idea, because again, as 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back says, if she reaches out to you two consecutive times in a row and you try to make dates both times, but she’s wishy-washy and won’t make plans, usually all she’s really doing is fishing for information to see if you’re potentially available, because whoever she’s been seeing is fucking up, she doesn’t think it’s going to last, but she’s not ready to completely pull the plug, but she definitely wants to make sure that you’re still available and you’re still interested. So that’s why you just stop asking if you’ve asked twice already when she reached out first.

About a month and a half passes and around early September, she contacts me on Instagram and we have a conversation mostly about sex. She was obviously very horny…

She’s probably looking for a booty call. Again, as the book says, it’s your job to create an opportunity for sex to happen. Not to get back together, just to create an opportunity for sex to happen.

…(The chemistry and sex between us was always awesome and she loved it), and wanted me to go have the indoor Olympics with her. I was away out of the country at that time so we met in a few days after I came back. I did not invite her to my place to make dinner and have fun, but went to her place instead.

Well, you gave up leverage. So you may think that these little things don’t matter and you’re being clever because she is reaching out, but at the end of the day, you sent me this email because you got rejected once again. So the book and the things that I teach, I learned these the hard way decades ago. I’ve been teaching this stuff for 20 years, and I’ve seen it confirmed tens of thousands of times over and over again.

If you want to try to reinvent the wheel, that’s your life. It’s your prerogative. It’s not going to affect me one way or another. I’m going to definitely break your balls about it because the information is laid out there for you, and if you want to try to do it your way or cherry pick, you’re going to suffer the consequences. I’m just trying to keep you from making unnecessary mistakes and experiencing heartbreak that’s, quite frankly, easy to avoid if you know what you’re doing and you take the time to learn the learn the material, but we know that most people major in minor things and they’re lazy.

The average guy wants the easy, lazy man’s way to sex in a relationship without really doing too much. “What’s the quick fix? What’s the pick up line? That’s the panty dropper.” You just can’t think that way. You have to change the way you show up, the vibe you give off, how you interact. You have to understand the totality of what causes a woman to be attracted to you or not.

So he goes to her place…

We had great sex that time and after that point we started talking to each other all the time again, just like before we separated.

So what that tells me is he spent a lot of time talking on the phone, probably reaching out, verbal diarrhea over the phone, not really focused on getting together in person. So he became an emotional tampon to her more often than not.

Again, he’s not following instructions. He’s figuring, “Well, she got back in touch. No-contact worked. I don’t really need to listen to anything else that Corey had to say.” So he goes right back to the same exact behavior that got him dumped the first time around. Too much pursuing, too much calling too much, texting too much, giving his power away too much, seeking her attention and validation, driving in her house instead of making her come to his, all little things that give up his power. Instead of making her work for him, work to earn another chance, as soon as she reaches back out, he’s ready to pick right back up, give her the Stanley Cup all over again like she won the championship. So predictably, it’s going to end with him getting rejected a second time for the same exact reasons.

She told me she does not want a relationship (Left out the “With me,” obviously) and its only a friends with benefits thing.

Well, all relationships start out start out as casual anyways. She says she doesn’t want a relationship, just friends with benefits. She’s like, “Hey, I’m down. It’s cool with me,” but you got to let her do all the calling, texting, pursuing, and this guy didn’t do that, so he didn’t follow instructions. So he’s going to predictably get burned because at some point she starts to back off and then he tries to make up for that, trying to force things, trying to shoehorn himself into her life forcefully again, and it’s going to repulse her and get in the way of her falling deeply head over heels in love.

We started seeing each other more often and each time we would do more. She would invite me and we’d have dinner before sex, we would watch a movie/cuddle together, etc., and I even started sleeping over at her place…

So he’s always going to her. I don’t know, maybe he lives with his parents or something. Maybe his place is just kind of messy or he’s got roommates. Again, these are all little things that give your power away.

…We went on hikes together, went on a trip to another country, etc. We were in a relationship, but had not put a label on it.

No, you thought you were in a relationship, but you were just a booty call because you were projecting your high interest and your feelings onto her. You were ignoring what I taught, and you were only cherry picking what you were comfortable with doing. The rest you dismissed, and now you’re licking your wounds once again.

She was pursuing me maybe 70% of the time. The rest was me.

So probably it was more like 60% her, 40% him. Anytime a guy does more than 20% to 30%, it’s going to end in rejection. Especially if you’ve been rejected and you start pursuing her because again, this is all laid out in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. It’s been on the internet for 10, 12 years now, and he just wasn’t strong enough and didn’t have enough emotional self control to hold back and let her come to him.

Fast forward a bit and around late November she starts being distant again, the reason (According to her) being is that we randomly met two of her friends from the Spa weekend (The one that led to her dumping me in the first place) and she remembered what happened at it and it triggered her emotions.

Well again, you gave her the same power that you did before. You did what she wanted, you went to her instead of making her come to you. Instead of her doing 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing, you kept doing more and more as she backed off and you literally just chased her. You literally got dumped for the same exact reason that you got dumped the first time. That’s not following instructions and that’s on you. I mean, this is as predictable as the sun coming up in the east and setting in the west.

This led to her being distant again and we did not see each other for almost a month, but we kept talking.

Again, this guy said he read the book four times, right? What is he doing? He’s talking on the phone constantly, like an emotional tampon instead of using it to make dates. Again, this is why the rules are there. The phone is for setting dates. Not getting to know somebody, or repairing your relationship, but he didn’t listen. He thought he was being clever. Instead, he was just setting himself up for heartbreak all over again because he just couldn’t control himself.

I did not pursue her…

Yes, you did. You said you were doing at least 30% of it. Probably sometimes more. In other words, all conversation threads are closed. You’re not waiting to hear back from her. She’s not waiting to hear back from you. So whoever initiates first when all conversation threads are closed, is the person initiating. That’s what I mean by initiating contact.

No-contact means no contact. She has to earn another chance with you, not the other way around. That means you don’t do any pursuing. That means you don’t sit there on the phone like an emotional tampon for hours on end. You just like, “Hey, you! Why don’t you get your cute little ass over? Let’s make some dinner together,” or whatever. Have her come to you, but he didn’t do that. He was too weak, too soft, too squishy. Therefore, she didn’t respect him. He never gave her enough time and space to miss him, because he kept re-engaging and pursuing, because he was worried about losing her. So that’s exactly what happened. He lost her all over again for exactly the same reasons. For exhibiting exactly the same unattractive beta male behavior.

…As I was aware that her becoming distant means she does not want to see me, and that she would pursue me if she felt like it.

Well again, the damage was done because as soon as she came back after no-contact the first time, you started pursuing her all over again, even though you were instructed not to, and for very specific reasons why, because this is what happens. I learned this the hard way 25 years ago.

Right before Christmas, she asked me to come over. I thought she’s missing me and wants to see me and catch up, but instead she told me that she does not want to continue this kind of relationship that we have and wants to part ways.

Notice again, he’s driving to her, not having her come to him. He’s just too much of a pussy to stand up to her.

I told her that I respect her decision…

No, you don’t.

…And that I don’t know how I can be her friend going forward (Which is what she wanted)…

Yeah, you just say, “Yeah, I’m not interested in anything platonic. We can be friends with benefits, but I’m not going to be your pal or your buddy. That’s just not going to happen.”

…Which I think was a mistake from my side. She kept initiating conversations for the next one or two weeks and we had some brief talks.

Again, the phone is for setting dates. Dude, you’ve been through the book four times and you’re completely doing the opposite. Again, the book‘s not going to help you if you’re just going to continue doing it your way and doing the opposite of what I teach, because you will predictably get rejected. Again, I figure all this stuff out and connect all these dots over 25 years ago at this point, but if you want to be difficult and reinvent the wheel, have at it, man.

Fast forward and 20 days later, I go to her place to return some of her stuff…

Again, he came up with another reason to reach out to her first, which is, “Oh, let me go return her stuff and see if I can create an interaction.” So he’s still pursuing.

…We talk again and she tells me that she doesn’t think we should keep seeing each other.

This is so shocking!

I tell her I’m not interested in a friendship…

Yet you still called her and went to return her stuff because you were trying to force an interaction. This is what I talk about. You think, “Oh, I’m just returning her stuff,” like no, you’re not. You came up with a with a reason because you hadn’t heard from her to break no-contact.

…And it’s either more than friendship (Romantic) or nothing. What threw me off here is that she agreed with me that we can’t/shouldn’t be friends as even if we only have sex, as it would naturally progress to something more than that, i.e. a relationship (Which she doesn’t want. She’s mentioned a lot of times that we’re different/not everybody is meant to fit with each other, etc).

Again, because you made her the man in the relationship and you completely got bamboozled by everything she said. I know you claim to have read the book four times, but I don’t see any evidence that you actually follow what the book taught. You may have done it initially for the first few weeks when she came back after no-contact, but then you just completely went right back to chasing and pursuing her, and you predictably get rejected all over again for exactly the same reasons.

She did not want to stay friends (Like most women do in these cases). I told her I would like to continue seeing her, and to contact me if she changes her mind. I intend to go no-contact and go on with my purpose in life and not to contact her.

Until he can’t take it anymore and he caves…

In this case, with her decision that we can’t/shouldn’t be friends, do you think going no-contact and her starting to miss me/letting her feel her emotions when we’re distant would help in her wanting to see me again?

Again, all this stuff has been laid out and I’ve been teaching this for over 20 years at this point, and it’s been confirmed over and over. What you’re really looking for is you’re looking for a reason to justify re-engaging and chasing her again. How has that worked out so far? It hasn’t. You over-pursued when you first started dating, which led to you getting dumped, she came back, you over-pursued again, and it led to you getting dumped and now you’re dumped a second time. You’re going, “Hey, what’s the reason? I need to find a reason to start pursuing her again because maybe it’ll work the third or fourth time I try.” It doesn’t work that way.

I’m not sure I’d take her back again…

Oh bullshit, dude! That’s a cope.

…If she doesn’t want to work on the problems in our relationship together rather than giving me the silent treatment, etc., every time…

Well, it’s true you can’t solve problems unless you can talk openly and honestly about them, but it’s clear she doesn’t respect you as a man because you don’t respect yourself. You don’t have the balls or the guts to stand up to her and just let her be and let her come to you.

…But I’m very interested whether no-contact would have the same effect this time as it had the previous time I re-attracted her…

Well, why wouldn’t it?

…Where she wanted to remain friends.

Please let me know if this email is too long! Very much hoping to hear from you. Thanks Corey!

Best Regards,

Bob

Well again, the words that she says don’t really matter. You have to look at the actions, and it’s pretty clear you continue to pursue and pursue instead of backing off until she dumped you the second time, and you lasted about three weeks before you came up with an excuse to contact her, which was, “Oh, let me return her stuff and force a conversation, force an interaction, and maybe I can make some progress.” All you did was get reconfirmation from her that she doesn’t want to be your friend, and she doesn’t want to date and see you anymore, so congratulations.

Again, the book is not going to help you if you do the opposite of what it teaches. 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back is not going to help you if you do the opposite. I mean, you did the same behavior that got you rejected the first time and it hasn’t worked and now basically the end of your email is going, “Hey, I know no-contact worked the first time, but do I try it again?” It’s not a technique. She said no sex and romance, no blue balls even, no friendship even. You want sex and romance? OK.

The strongest negotiating position is position is being able to walk away and mean it. That’s the problem with you. You don’t mean the things that you say, you have a rubber spine, and that’s why this girl is not with you, because your spine is rubber. You don’t have the balls to stand up for yourself, what you want and let her be and let her come to you at her pace. So cherry picking doesn’t work. I’ve been saying it since I started teaching this and doing it, but you know, guys like you are hard headed. You don’t want to listen. You want to do it your way. So now you’re in no-contact, and you’re probably totally obsessed over this girl thinking about her every single day, all day long. It makes it hard to focus on your work, your mission and your purpose because you’re obsessing over her.

What I would do if I were you is I’d make a commitment to get through the book 10 to 15 times, start meeting and dating other women and applying it so you can get some other choices and some other options. If she does reach back out in the future, she’s got to actually come to you. Stop jumping in your car and jumping through your butt to race across town to go be with her. She’s got to earn another chance with you, not the other way around, dude. Self control. You got to have it. If you don’t, it’s extremely repulsive and unattractive to women, which obviously you found out the hard way. I found out the hard way too. After this happened to me enough times, I was like, “You know, I’m probably not going to do that anymore because it doesn’t fucking work,” but if you want to reinvent the wheel and learn all this all over again even though I’ve already laid it out for you to the point where you literally can predict her actions from it, that’s on you. All you can do is lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.