Why Smothering Approval Seeking Behavior Turns Women Off

Why a man who shows too much smothering, approval seeking behavior turns women off romantically.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been dating a girl he really likes for about 3 months. He is micromanaging their interactions and constantly in an approval seeking mode and focused on whether or not she likes him or how much she likes him on a daily basis.

He’s living in the future, and his neediness is getting in the way of just living in the present moment and allowing his girl to develop strong feelings for him. Therefore, he’s constantly frustrated that she’s not more into him than she is and that she doesn’t want to see or spend time with him as much as he does with her. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

What I liked about this email and why I chose to go through it is just because you could see this guy’s mindset and the fact that he’s kind of smothering her, whether he realizes it or not, because she’s starting to lose attraction. Because, initially, she was like, “Hey, when are we going to go out?” And now, he notices that there’s less enthusiasm. But you can tell by the tone of his email, he’s just totally focused on “Does she like me? I hope she likes me. I hope she chooses me.” Which, if that’s your mindset, that’s going to slip out.

She can tell, eventually, all women are going to be able to tell the longer they’re with you, that you’re more into them than they are into you. And when women sense that, they naturally, instinctively kind of back off a little bit. And when guys that don’t know any better feel that, they tend to pursue and try harder. This kind of mindset is what causes us guys to just really screw up and chase women out of our lives, especially women that are good for us, good to us, good for our soul, because we don’t know any better. What happens is you are constantly communicating, “I’m not worthy. I don’t deserve you. You’re going to find somebody else.” And eventually, she’s going to agree.

You have to remember, when women first start dating a guy, they’re like, “Is he good for me? Is he a good fit? Do I like him?” And I’ve said this over the years, many times, this guy should adopt the same kind of mindset, “Do I like her? Is she good for me? Are we good together? Do I trust her? Is she trustworthy? Is she normal? Is she healthy? Did she come from a good family? Is she good to me, good for me, good for my soul? Is she easygoing, easy to get along with? Does she communicate well, or is she a hothead, and difficult, and passive aggressive?”

Viewer’s Email:

Hi Coach,

I’ve been dating a girl for almost three months already and I lost virginity to her all thanks to your material, so you are my savior.

I appreciate that. But you’ve got to save yourself, dude. Nobody’s coming to save you, or fix you, or solve your problems.

She has tennis training sessions two times a week. While on weekends, she is with her family in their apartment. After training sessions, she is exhausted, and when we are together, she is barely staying awake.

Well, I probably wouldn’t be hanging out with her on the days that she’s exhausted, if you’re trying to have a date and she’s passing out on you. Hang out, have fun, and hook up. It’s not hang out, watch her fall asleep, and then not hook up and get blue balls.

So, I decided to skip those days, because they rarely seem to be a fun opportunity for sex to happen, as she’d rather just sleep.

Well, you let your girl go get her beauty rest. You’ve got to look at this girl in your life as a benefit, like a nice hot fudge sundae every once in a while. It’s great if she’s there, and if she’s not, you’re actually more productive and you get a lot of things done. You shouldn’t be going, “Oh, I wonder what she’s doing. Where’s she at? Who she with? Is she thinking about me? Does she like me? Does she want me to be her boyfriend? Are we going to get married? Are we going to move in together?” You’ll see all of these kinds of things are going on with this dude.

Occasionally, she would tell me that she is not available on one of the workdays because she hangs out with her friends.

You should be like, “Hey, I want to see you, babe. What’s your schedule like this week? When are you available?” instead of trying to zero in like, “Oh, let’s see each other today.” So, I would say from that perspective, just from that sentence alone, you’re not really following what’s in the book.

When I consider my schedule, which means working long hours, that leaves us to only (approximately) two to three times a week to get together. 

The reality is, as I talk about in the book, when a woman falls in love with you and you guys become exclusive, she’s going to be at your house, or you’re going to be at hers. And so, you’ll be typically waking up together. But you’ll see there’s a few wrinkles in that with this particular guy.

These are the main questions on my mind, so I would really appreciate your comments on topics below:

Now, keep in mind. What does the book say? Hang out, have fun, hook up. It doesn’t say anything about a relationship. It doesn’t say anything about locking the girl down. That’s not your job.

1. I would like to spend more time with her, as I am really interested in a long-term relationship with her.

This is feminine energy, dude. You’re basically saying, “Hey, Corey, how can I better act like a woman?” Feminine energy is bonding, connecting, opening up to receive love, dating and relationship labels, “What are we?”, “Where is this going?” There’s nothing masculine about that. So, you’re acting like a chick right now.

Of course, I don’t say this to her because it is needy, and I need to let her come to that feeling at her pace.

I know that’s what you’re telling yourself, but you’re actually not.

She is living alone, and I still live with my parents, so we can only sleep at her place. (She says that this is okay with her, but I see that she is uncomfortable when I mention spending night at my place, which I understand completely, and I stopped suggesting that. Is this a deal breaker long term?)

Well, if you’re thinking long term relationship, you still live at home with your parents, even though, as you say, you work long hours, at some point, as a man, you’ve got to have your own space. I mean, if you guys are in your twenties, and she’s got her own apartment and you live with your mom and dad still, it’s understandable why she’s not going to want to come over and spend the night at your place. And then, your parents are listening through the wall, hearing you guys bumping uglies in the room next door. It’s like, that’s common sense. I mean, you can at least afford a small efficiency, or a one bedroom apartment, or something. Just something to get your own space and be a man of your own castle and kingdom.

The other thing is you want a woman to trust your leadership and follow you. At some point, you’ve got to be able to show that you’re a competent man, yourself, in being able to have your own place, your own home. It doesn’t have to be huge, but it could be an efficiency, it could be a one bedroom. As long as it’s decorated nicely, and it’s clean, and you’ve got your shit together, you show that you’re a competent man, and you’re smart, and you’re frugal with your money. You don’t piss it away trying to impress people that don’t fucking matter anyway.

2. I initiate texting with her two times a week max, (usually something random and short, to let her know that I care about her).

3. I let her text the remaining days.

This tells me you’re kind of being robotic when you’re counting things like this. Just the mindset, the way you’re being. Because everything you’re doing is like you’re a focused on, “I want to manipulate her into doing what I want. How do I get her to like me more?” The mindset that you have is the complete opposite of what the book teaches. This is why you’re struggling.

She usually texts me at least once a day, usually something random and funny. When she texts me, I immediately try to set a date. So far, her responses are fine, meaning that she will tell me which day she is free, so I can pick a day.

4. I never let our texting exchanges go longer than a couple of texts and I usually keep it playful, referring to something funny which happened on our date, for example.

5. She really likes to joke that I have another girl.

“But, babe, you’re my number one.”

Once she told me that she is afraid of the fact that she is my first girlfriend, and that as soon as I get bored or gain more experience, I will leave her.

Well, that’s an understandable fear. But it shouldn’t cause you to try to prove yourself to her.

6. At the beginning of our relationship, she was more into me. For example, she would ask, when are we getting together. Lately, she doesn’t do that, so I ask her when she is available as soon as she reaches out. This worries me a bit because, obviously, attraction is getting lower.

If it’s getting lower, you’re spending too much time together. You’re trying too hard to get her to like you more. I mean, this whole email is about, “Hey, Corey, what can I do to get her to like me more?” How about read the book 10 to 15 times? How about maybe you get a second job? And then you get a second job, so you can earn some extra money, so you can get yourself an apartment, so you can show that you’re a competent man.

7. She mentions her male friends and colleagues. I understand that some of them are married/taken, but it just seems to me that there are way too many of them, and sometimes I wonder if any of them is actually an orbiter, or ex, or the guy who pursues her. 

What that tells me is you don’t really know her. It’s only been three months, but you don’t really know enough about her life. And yet, you’re all focused on “How do I lock this girl down? How do I get her to like me more?” That’s the wrong mindset. You should have the attitude of, “Hey, I’m kind of a free agent.” I don’t know if you’re exclusive, because it doesn’t really say. It just says you’ve been dating her for three months.

Obviously, you may have sensed from my email that I am needy, insecure and overthinking.

Yeah, you’re trying to micromanage everything. You need some hobbies. You need to spend some time with your friends. And if you notice that she’s less excited to see you than she was before, then when she does reach out, and if every single time she reaches out, you ask her for a date, then the next time she reaches out, don’t ask her for a date.

If you see each other 2 to 3 times a week, be okay with seeing her one time per week. Scarcity creates value, less is more. And if you’re trying to spend more time with her than she’s open to spending time with you, then she has all the power, and you’re in a weak position of leverage, and you need to back off. You’ve already said yourself that you’re needy, you’re insecure, and you’re overthinking.

If you bottom line her actions, and as you said, she seems to be less into it, then you need to mirror that behavior. If you normally see each other 2 to 3 times a week, I would only set one date that particular week and be okay with it. And if her attitude doesn’t change, then only see her once the next week, and she’ll start to feel that you’re spending less energy on her. Then she’ll start to wonder why, and she’ll try harder. She’ll reach out and contact you more.

If you’re always contacting her a couple of times a week through text, either only contact her once, or don’t contact her at all if she’s texting you every day. Wait a week to contact her once. You know, if you’re normally initiating one or two texts out of the blue, don’t initiate any out of the blue, and initiate one next week. Become a little unpredictable.

You’re noticing that she’s putting less effort into you than she was in the past. And it’s correct, her interest has gone down. Probably because you’re smothering her, you’re over pursuing too much or coming off as needy. Your coming off as unsure of yourself and the fact that you want to spend more time with her than she’s willing to make time in her schedule for you, you’re probably letting it be known that you’re irritated, just in the things you say. Maybe in the tone of your voice, she could sense and feel that.

What happens is you’re becoming perturbed that she’s not more into you than she should be. And you’ve got to look at that as you have to let women come to you at their pace. And if you’re focused on trying to lock her down, and when you’re going to move in together, and when it’s going to get more serious, and all that, that mindset is not going to help you. It’s going to actually cause you to sabotage things and just literally drive her and chase her right out of your life.

To be honest, that is my nature, and sometimes I am dying when the afternoon or night comes and I still haven’t received a message from her.

Well, that tells me you definitely need to back off, and that you’re calling and texting too much, and you’re too worried about her and what she thinks about you, instead of having the attitude of “Let her win me over.” You should be cool with just seeing her one time a week, especially if she’s not excited about it and she’s not making room in her schedule.

Of course, I keep my mouth shut and act like I am indifferent, but man, it hurts to have that battle ongoing all the time in your mind and body. 

Well, this is called growing up, and this is pain. Pain, as they say, is weakness leaving the body. And that is weakness leaving your body. And the only thing that really undoes that and that mindset is successful repetitions of the new way, the new way I talk about in my book. And you definitely need to back off and let her come to you more. Like I said, you’re worried. You’re spending 2 to 3 days a week and you want to spend more. But actually, based on her behavior, I’d be spending a little less, so she can have time to miss you more.

My question is, is our current dating dynamic (two-three dates per week) enough to get this to higher level? 

Well, again, everything you’re focused on is “What can I do to make her like me more,” as opposed to bottom lining her actions and looking at the fact that she’s not as into you as she was just a short time in the past. So, that means you’re you’re too focused on her, and smothering her, and too worried about what she thinks about you. This shows that you’re perturbed as a man.

When a woman senses that you’re perturbed and you’re upset, or you’re butt hurt, or that you’re not spending time around her, or that you’re angry for something, this is going to turn her off. It’s not going to attract her to you. It’s going to show her that you’re losing your shit, just because of the little things that she does. You’re supposed to be the rock. You’re supposed to be the mountain. You’re supposed to be the unperturbable man.

How can I make this relationship successful, save it, and make her consider getting this to higher level?

Dude, come on, man. I can’t believe you asked me that. It’s in the book. These are basic things that are in the book. And I don’t even know if you’ve even read the book. You’re probably just cherry picking and being lazy. And that’s not what competent men do. That’s what lazy failures do.

Do you want to have one of those emails where there’s lots of “come on, man’s” because the guy didn’t listen? The guys that are behaving the way you do are the ones that don’t follow the instructions, and then they’re shocked that things don’t work out. But you’re just basically asking me the most basic questions that are in the book. And again, you’re asking about the relationship. That’s the woman’s department. Your job is just to create the next opportunity for sex to happen – to hang out, to have fun, to hook up.

For example, to plan moving in together someday?

It’s like you don’t even know this girl yet. You don’t even know all of her friends or her family. You don’t know these dudes that are in her life that she talks about. You don’t know if they’re male orbiters or they’re just coworkers. You don’t know her well enough to know if she’d even be good enough to live with. It’s too soon, man. You’re totally the woman in the relationship, and you don’t even realize it.

I know that you may use your “Come on man!” mug right now, but please help.

Bob

You’ve got to participate in your own rescue, dude. You’ve got to check yourself before you wreck yourself. And your mindset and your behavior, you’re literally going to chase this girl out of your life and turn her off completely if you don’t knock this shit off. It’s not attractive. Lose yourself in your hobbies, your interests. Hang out with your friends, your family. Maybe get another job, so you can focus on moving out and getting an apartment on your own.

You’ve got to focus on taking care of you first. And right now it’s like you’re trying to be the chick to your potential girlfriend, and that’s ruining the sexual polarity. And I can tell by the fact that she’s starting to back off more that you’re actually turning her off with this behavior and this mindset. And the fact that you don’t understand the book, you’re making mistakes and you’re turning her off, and you don’t even realize what you’re doing wrong. Asking, how do you get her to fall in love? I mean, these are like the most basic questions that are answered in the book. And if you’re asking me that, it tells me you either haven’t read the book, or you just skimmed over it and you’re half-assing it, figuring this one video is going to solve everything for you. It just doesn’t work that way.

You’ve gotten some attainable success, but it’s not going to be sustainable. Right now, my prediction, if you don’t learn and read the book 10 to 15 times, you’re going to turn this girl off, and she’s going to friendzone you and not want to date you anymore. That’s your future if you don’t turn things around. So, I know you’re feeling pretty uneasy about things, but that’s because you don’t know the material. You don’t know what to do.

You’re not in your masculine, you’re in your feminine. You’re totally unsure of yourself. You’re acting girly. You’re not acting manly at all. You’re not a man of mystery. You’re not the guy that she’s dying to spend more time with. It’s the complete opposite. The power dynamic is completely the opposite of the way it’s supposed to be in order for her to trust your leadership and your masculine core.

So, you need to focus more on you, and taking care of you, and becoming a more competent man that has his own place, that pays his own bills, that has hobbies, that has interests, and has friends outside of his potential girlfriend. Instead of focusing and hovering on her and trying to get her like you. This approval seeking behavior is disgusting to women. It’s a complete turnoff. So, you need to turn things around, dude. Otherwise, you’re going to drive this girl right out of your life.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to give my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.