Why Telling Women How Much You Like Them Has No Effect On Their Interest In You

Why telling women how much you like them has no effect on their interest in you.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 27 year old viewer in the Czech Republic. A month ago he kissed a female colleague he’d known for 5 years. She rejected a second kiss saying she can’t because she’s seeing someone. He’s thinking about confessing his feelings to her in hopes that it makes her want him. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, “Why Telling Women How Much You Like Them Has No Effect On Their Interest In You”.

So this particular email is from a 27 year old viewer from the Czech Republic. And a month ago he kissed a female colleague that he says he’s known for five years. And then when he went in for a second kiss, she rejected him, saying that she couldn’t because she was obviously seeing somebody. So whatever reason, he’s thinking, probably because he’s seen too many Disney movies that if he just vomits his feelings and interest in her, that somehow she’s going to want him and blow off the other guy.

So he asks my opinion on this. And so as I talk about in the book, what matters is how a woman feels about you. Doesn’t matter what a great guy you are, how handsome you are, how much you really super duper like her. Doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is how she feels about you. So you’re not going to cause women to like you just because you tell her that you want to be with her. That you want to date her. That you find her beautiful. That you have feelings for. I mean, they’ve been coworkers for a long time, five years.

So let’s go through his email.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach,

My name Is Bob and I am 27 years old. And I am from Czech republic. A month ago I decided to kiss my colleague. I did know her for five years but only couple of months ago I started to get sexually attracted to her. 

I would say you probably have always been attracted to her. Maybe you’ve obsessed over her and you ruminated over her, and you started developing a fantasy about being with her. But she’s got to be ready, willing, able and open to dating you. And if you’re one of those guys that finds out a girl is married or she’s in a relationship, and you think you’ll just try harder and you’ll steal her away, even if you are successful at stealing her away, and getting her to cheat on her boyfriend or her husband with you, the reality is 95% of the relationships that come from cheating tend to end in cheating.

Like attracts like. People that don’t value loyalty or monogamy tend to be attracted to other people who don’t value loyalty or monogamy. And so you should not be trying to mow another man’s lawn or steal some other guy’s girl. It’s a bad way to go. And you could end up in a Hialeah divorce, which would be bad.

She took a kiss, even her cheeks got red. I went for another kiss. She moved away and said she can’t. A week or so later I did find out, there’s guy sleeping at her place for like a month. For another month, I promise I’ll stop saying month. She got colder. We used to hug all the time and chat hours after she was done with her shift. Now, she did give me a hug but we didn’t talk. She started leaving work early, to catch up with her guy I assume.

Or maybe to avoid you in any awkward situations, because it’s probably clear that you don’t really seem to take no for an answer. And you think if you just keep trying and trying that somehow it’s going to work. Attraction is not a choice. You should be focusing on women who have a “hell yeah, I’d love to date you”, kind of attitude.

I had enough and I started to use No Contact. However, two days ago we met, when she was entering a door. She went for a hug and I just went through.

So she goes to hug him and he just, zoom, walks by her like a statue.

You said in your book that communication is important.

Yeah. In a relationship, this is not a relationship. This is a coworker that you kissed once and she told you that she wasn’t available. So you should be onto the next. You shouldn’t be sitting around obsessing and trying to change her mind.

And I feel like she deserves to know I am just protecting myself. However I am already kind of in the position where I want to be in this situation. Which is just to say hi to each other. And I feel like if I have a talk with her, just tell her I don’t want to talk. That’s stupid. Should I keep the ghosting No Contact going? Or can I tell her, how I feel. Calmly of course. Your opinion would be much appreciated.

Bob

Yeah. She knows you like her. If you went for a kiss and you probably caught her off guard and she let you kiss her, but then when you tried again, she said no, obviously she’s seeing somebody. You know, there’s a guy that she’s basically living with now. So it’s like, what do you think’s going to happen there? You just say, “hey, I like you and have feelings for you, and I want to date you.” That’s gonna do nothing to change how she feels about you. You should be reading the book and getting out there. I mean, if you’re new here, you can read the book for free at UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just subscribe to the Email Newsletter.

Because what would be a better situation? I mean, there’s a good chance it doesn’t work out with the other guy. So if it doesn’t work out with the other guy and you over time become better because you’re applying what’s in the book, the quality of the women you’re able to attract gets better, and you start doing better. And especially if you become more playful and flirty with all the women in the office, and you get to the point where all the girls like working with you, that’s a good problem to have. Because it gives you social proof. And then when you see her in the office, if you make eye contact, smile, wave, and then go about your business.

Don’t go out of your way to go up to her and talk to her. Because again, she’s not ready. She’s not open. She’s not available. She’s seeing somebody else. So don’t keep giving somebody your attention and your validation when they’re either not interested or they’re not available. If she ever does come available, she’ll drop hints. She’ll let you know. She’ll come up with reasons to put herself in your orbit, to hang out with you, to talk to you, to bump into you, whatever it happens to be. And so she may come up to you and say, “hey, you’ve been kind of distant lately.” It was like, “well, I didn’t want to spend too much time with you because you are dating somebody, apparently.

And I didn’t want to get involved. We can be professional and cordial, but hey, if it doesn’t work out with the guy you’re seeing, you know, let me know. I’d love to get together, grab a drink sometime.” That’s all you have to do. Because, again, you’ve known her for five years. Not somebody you met, like, five weeks ago or five days ago. So you got history there and time. But she’s unavailable. So you’re looking for a hell yeah. You’re looking for enthusiasm. So the self respecting thing to do is to go give your attention and validation to a woman who wants it and appreciates it, as there’s a quote in the beginning of my book.

It was one from Adam Carolla. It’s so true. He says, “when a woman likes you, the door is open and all you got to do is just walk through it. But if the doors start shutting in your face, well, you just turn around and you walk away.” And so in this case, the doors have shut in your face. She’s letting you know she’s not interested. There’s a guy she’s seeing which you know about now. So to keep giving that attention, your romantic attention to her and hoping things are going to change on a daily basis, what you’re doing is you’re not opening a space in your life for a woman to come in and feel, because you’re still hoping that things are going to turn around with this girl.

And so it’s just counterproductive to sit around trying to give her your attention, because, number one, she’s not available. And number two, you need to practice what’s in the book so you get better, you become a more attractive man. And you’ve got to have time in with the book, applying it, getting experience, seeing that the stuff that’s in the book works and shows up in your life. And if months down the road or a year or two down the road, whatever it happens to be, if she becomes single and available and there is mutual interest, she’ll find reasons to come talk to you, to come sit next to you, to invite you to do things, to go to lunch or grab a drink afterwards, or want to come to your office and sit down and talk and chit chat.

And then you can invite her to go grab a drink. You can make it just very casual, but in this case, you have to be honest with the situation and realize that she’s not ready, willing, able, and open to dating you. She is taken so she’s not a candidate. And the more you stay obsessed or focused on a woman that’s not available, it’s basically a way to avoid a relationship. So that’s something to think about. Again, if your goal is to get somebody to date, a girlfriend, a future wife, whatever, then you’ve got to go where women are enthusiastic about you. If she’s not excited, most women are not going to find you attractive and not going to want to date you. And that’s okay.

All you need is one good one. But when you stay engaged and into a woman like this who’s unavailable and made it clear she’s unavailable and not interested, it’s like you take yourself out of the game, you close yourself off from any other possibilities, and there’ll be women that you’ll be encountering in your life that have interest in you, but you won’t even notice because you’re so focused on her. It’s like you have to be open to it. You have to have a space for it in your life. And ideally, you’ve got to be in a happy place first so you can find somebody who is also happy. And together you can make each other happier and share your completeness, instead of trying to complete one another.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.

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