Why The Illusion Of Action Leads To Permanent Ghosting & Possibly A Restraining Order

Why the illusion of action leads to permanent ghosting & possibly a restraining order for guys who won’t back off.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a coaching client whose previous email I answered in my video newsletter titled, “Why Liking Her More Than She Likes You Leads To Loss Of Respect, Interest & Rejection.” Since our last phone session and that video newsletter he has continued to obsess over a woman who rejected him for over pursuing and smothering her to the point of her waiting 24 hours to reply to his texts and being rude and condescending the last time he tried setting a date.

Now he is talking to everyone he knows looking for someone to validate his needy and neurotic and inappropriate desires to pursue more, seek her attention and validation and prove he has changed despite the fact nothing about his behavior has changed. Only the ways he deludes himself into believing more of the same behavior that got him rejected and blown off will somehow work this time. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a guy who I have done two phone sessions with. I think he’s around 50, around my age, and he’s dating a woman that’s about half his age. I think she’s around 30, if I remember right, but she’s much younger. It was really cool because he sent an email in after our last phone session and he’s like, “All right, I got it. Just to be sure.” So he sent another email since then.

The biggest problem that this guy has is the illusion of action. He’s like, “I got to do something to get this girl’s attention,” and it just goes to show the power of somebody’s emotions and how it overrides all logic and reason. So at this point, because he hasn’t heard from this particular girl, I mean, he chased, he over-pursued and he drooled on her, and he acted soft and weak around her to the point where she’s waiting 24 hours to reply to all of his messages. She sent in two and three word responses.

So I answered an email. I think it was last week in a video newsletter was titled “Why Liking Her More Than She Likes You Leads To Loss Of Respect, Interest & Rejection.” In those emails, and you can go back and look at the exchanges between him and this particular girl, he and I discussed it at length on the phone session. He sent in another email, going over the things we talked about in the phone session. I gave him the same responses, the same answers and the video newsletter that I gave him in the two previous phone sessions, yet he’s still looking for a reason to disregard that and go back to the same strategy that has gotten him to the point where she doesn’t want to see him, she doesn’t respect him.

If you look go through, which you can go see in that video newsletter, because the email is laid out on my website where she’s pretty rude, condescending and kind of nasty to him, she takes 24 hours to reply and it just shows that she’s looking at him like he’s weak and he’s pathetic, and she’s disgusted by his behavior because he’s unable or he’s unwilling to exercise self control and to back off. He’ll do things like, “All right, well call me when your schedule frees up,” and three days later, he can’t handle it anymore. Then he’s calling. He’ll call, he’ll leave a message, and then he texts her. So he’s double, triple texting, calling, and she’s waiting 24 hours to reply.

So he sent in a couple responses and now he’s going to everybody that he knows tell him the whole scenario. Which is another thing I told him not to do because this stuff will make him look weak and pathetic. If they have friends in common, it will get back to her that he’s going around crying the blues to everybody. All that’s going to do is reinforce the decision that she’s made to push this guy away. I’ve seen guys that I’ve done phone sessions with or that have sent emails in, and they just won’t listen. They can’t help themselves and it leads to them getting permanently ghosted or their phone number blocked, or even in some cases, the woman threatening a restraining order if the guy doesn’t leave her alone.

As a man, you got to chill. You got to recognize that masculinity is calm. You got to recognize that you don’t try to keep somebody when they don’t want to keep you. When a girl is waiting 24 hours to reply to your messages. On top of that, she’s being rude, condescending and kind of nasty to you. Then a week goes by and you think, “Gee, I think I should call her up and tell her how much I care about her and I miss her. Oh please can we start over, your Highness?” It’s like he’s constantly trying to go back to the same strategy that’s gotten him to this point.

As I told him on the phone session, if he doesn’t get his act together, if he doesn’t change his approach with his girl, if he doesn’t overcome this disgusting weakness with her, the next girl that he meets that he really likes, he’s going to run her right out of his life. This same exact reasons he’s going to make her feel the same exact way. Because everything is doing and everything he’s saying, he doesn’t feel like he’s worthy of being with, or he doesn’t feel like he’s an equal.

He’s got the girl on a pedestal and he’s kissing her ass, treating her like a celebrity, which is disgusting to women. Of course, she’s being rude and disrespectful to him. Despite the fact that she waits 24 hours to respond, despite the fact that she’s condescending and rude in her replies and refuses to make a date with him, he’s thinking it’s a good idea to continue calling, texting and asking her out for another date, asking to reset the relationship, asking her to start over. Meanwhile, he ignores the fact that she’s kind of repulsed by him and his behavior, and he won’t just back off.

I mean, I feel for this guy. I feel compassion for him, but at some point you got to grow up. At some point, your balls got to drop. At some point, you got to decide that everything you’ve tried in the past is not working, and all he’s doing is looking for validation to continue employing a strategy. That’s gotten to the point where this girl doesn’t want anything to do with him, and if he keeps pushing it and he keeps calling, contacting her, calling her and drooling on her, she’s going to block his number and she might even threaten to get a restraining order against him.

You cannot behave this way in a modern society. You got to have the balls to recognize that if she doesn’t want to see you on the next, you don’t keep calling and texting and trying to change your mind. That’s stalker-ish. That shows no self-control, and that scares women. Women want a man who has self-control, who’s calm, and this guy is anything but that. He’s needy, he’s neurotic, he’s overly emotional, he’s delusional. He ignores his actions because a big part of why he’s struggling with this is he doesn’t want to admit that his behavior is what’s caused this, because if he has to admit that his behavior is what’s caused this, it’s all on him, it’s his fault. If he continues to pursue and continues to chase, it’s because he hasn’t done enough, if you will. He hasn’t done enough to communicate his interest, but he’s tried multiple times to set a date.

Like even in one instance, she’s like, “Monday, Tuesday, I’m busy. Got this going on Wednesday, got that going on Thursday, got this Friday, got that. Then the whole weekend I’m going out of town.” So she’s like, “Don’t ask me anymore to get together. I have no days available for you.” He’s like, “Hey Coach, I talked to a guy in church, and he said I should let her know how I feel, and I should just keep calling her and try to reset the relationship. What do you think? I’m thinking about doing this.” It’s your life. You could do what you want.

Like I said, this is a good email for guys that are struggling, that are in that situation, that are falling under the illusion of action, thinking they have to do something to get a girl to like them more, even when she’s at the point where she’s basically ignoring you now and pushing you away. If you keep badgering a girl again, this is what leads to restraining orders. I’ve done plenty of emails from guys that have done exactly that. They didn’t listen, they kept pushing, they kept pursuing, and then they get served with a restraining order because they get to the point where they’re scaring the girl. If you want that to happen, then yeah, keep pursuing, keep trying your failed approach.

So these are like different emails he sent with just like different snippets. The first paragraph is going to be right after the video newsletter. What his response was after the video newsletter. Then you can see the the next two couple paragraphs that came in about a week after that last video newsletter. He goes from, “All right, I’m totally on board, Coach.” Then a few days later he’s like, “I gotta call her. I gotta do something. I talked to a guy in my church. I prayed about it.” I mean, he’s just jumping through his butt, trying trying to convince himself that it’s OK to continue doing what hasn’t worked, continue doing what’s gotten her to the point where she’s so disgusted with this guy. She waits 24 hours to reply.

Viewer’s Email:

Thank You Coach,

Yeah, I might have sabotaged it. I want to be the man, no more weakness or neediness for her. No more reaching out or caring too much. Yet at the same time I want to find out what happened?

I told you what happened. I explained to you what happened. The reason that you don’t want to accept that is because then you have to take ownership for the fact that you did it. You chased her out of your life. You failed to exercise emotional self control. You refuse to stop behaving needy and neurotic and like a monkey that’s going crazy in the zoo, throwing his jizz in his feces at the people there that are walking by his cage. You chose to do that. So that’s what’s happened. You acted really unattractive.

We went through it in depth on multiple phone sessions. I went through it again and the email newsletter that I did for you last week, and then you’re writing and going, “Gee, I don’t know what happened, Coach.” Again, you still don’t want to accept personal responsibility for your fuck-ups.

This is why I roast the people in the red pill community, because the whole mentality is, “No, it’s modern women. It’s not my fault, Coach. You don’t understand what girls are like these days.” Like, really? I’m dating women that are the same age as you putzes are, and you’re going to lecture me? Please!

Maybe closure or to try and clear up a perceived misunderstanding, but I know you would disapprove of that.

There’s no perceived misunderstanding. She was very clear. She did everything but say, “Leave me the fuck alone.” When you reached out to her last, you tried multiple times to set a date. She even went so far as to tell you Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, the whole weekend. In other words, “My whole next week, I’m too busy. Don’t ask.” Then when he tried again, she was really rude and condescending. Again, for the guy that wrote the email, go back and read her last replies to you. She’s like, “Fuck you dude, leave me alone.” Yet you’re going, “I think I should contact her again and tell her how much I like her.”

It’s just, I’ve always had feelings for her…

Nobody cares about your feelings, dude. I’ve done many, many videos. Women don’t give a shit how much you like them. They only care about how they feel about you, and you’re projecting your feelings onto her, and you’re ignoring the fact she ain’t feeling the same way. As a matter of fact, she’s trying to push you away to just totally leave her alone.

…And when I told them to her via text on November 2nd, it freaked her out.

Yeah, because you were ignoring the fact that she wasn’t in the same place as you. You could tell that she wasn’t as into you as you were into her. Then the illusion of action kicked in. Your desperation and your neediness kicked in, and you convince yourself that if you just call, you text, you over-pursue her, you drool all over her enough, you profess your undying love and your feelings for her, that somehow is going to influence her behavior to like you more. Instead, you’re treating her like a celebrity. You’re putting her on a pedestal, and you’re acting like you’re unworthy to be with her. That’s why she’s nasty to you, because you act like you don’t deserve to be there.

The number one thing that women find attractive in men is confidence, and you’re displaying the opposite of it. You’re doing the opposite of what the book teaches. I pointed this out to you in two phone sessions. I pointed it out to you in the video newsletter that I did last week, and yet you’re still doing everything you can to avoid accepting personal responsibility for what you did. When you do that, that’s why you’re trying to keep doing the same things that have gotten this girl to the point where she’s just basically ignoring you and only replying after 24 hours just to not be rude. Even then, you could tell the condescending tone of her replies that she’s like, “Leave me the fuck alone.”

Should have maybe said it in person in a lighthearted manner instead of text. Texting sucks. 

Now here we are several months later. I thought we would be getting closer by now.. How do you stay so detached?

Well, dating. Practice, number one. Number two, having other women.

You got nothing else going on in your personal life, and you’re obsessing over this one girl. At the end of the day, you have to let women come to you at their pace. You’re not doing that. You refuse to do that because the thought of giving a woman a choice to choose you or to blow you off is so devastating and so scary to you that. You’re justifying acting needy, over-pursuing, acting clingy and kind of stalker-ish.

This is why when you behave this way, women ghost you. They ignore you. It scares them. They don’t feel safe with you.

I know… For me to have feelings and want a relationship with her, it is not very JAMES BOND.

Well, the other thing is you never spend enough time with her. You don’t really know what this girl is like. Quite frankly, the fact that she goes from being nice to being a bitch in such a short order, that might mean that she’s not actually a normal, healthy woman. It might mean that she’s a little bit of a fruit loop, but you won’t be able to see that because you’ve projected your fantasy of your ideal, of what you want her to be onto while you ignore her reality.

The reality is she doesn’t want to see you. She doesn’t want to talk to you the last time you backed off and you let her be and you went no contact. What happened? She got back in touch. You made a date. You hung out, you had fun, you hooked up. Ever since then, you’ve been chasing and pursuing her. What happens? She won’t see you. See how that works?

You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free, and this girl doesn’t feel free. She feels smothered. She feels unsafe with you because of your behavior, because of your lack of emotional self-control. Remember, as Don Shula says, “Strong men blame themselves. Weak men blame others,” and you’re still trying to blame other people. You’re still trying to say, “Oh well, she doesn’t know how I feel. If I could just say the right thing.” It’s like you said, she knows you like her. She knows you want her. She wants you to act like a man, but you just refuse to. You want to keep behaving this way. It’s not going to end well.

I guess she would be coming to me to talk if she was dying to clear the air on what happened.

Your job is not to clear the air on what happened. Your job is to create an opportunity for sex to happen. If she comes back and you want to clear the air, that’s a drag. That’s not a fun conversation. That’s not a fun get together. What is a date? It’s an opportunity, fun filled opportunity, for sex to happen. Not to get together and be an emotional drag because of your own failure to self-regulate your emotions. You’re trying to turn this girl into your mommy and your therapist. She’s not there to be your pastor, your emotional human pacifier for the trauma or whatever you experienced in childhood.

But here I am wanting to talk about my feelings, LOL.

Yeah, she doesn’t give a shit. Women don’t care how much you feel about them, number one. Number two, you’re acting like a girl. You sound like a girl.

She has never shown the need to talk to me about serious stuff. Such a mysterious girl. 

Well, because she never got there. Again, you’re so needy, so neurotic, and you act like a girl so much, you’re making her the man in the relationship. So she didn’t want to talk about serious stuff because, quite frankly, she wasn’t feeling serious stuff. You’re feeling serious stuff, and you’re trying to force her to feel something instead of letting her get to that point.

What’s the best chance to get her back?

Let her be. Do what I said in the previous newsletter. Do what I said in the previous two phone sessions. Do what the book teaches. It’s not complicated, but you’re looking for something to do. If you have something to do, then that’s admitting to yourself that you, “Didn’t fuck up. It’s not your fault,” because there’s still more to do.

Be a man and walk away without communication?

Well, you had plenty of communication. If you look at her text to you last, she’s waiting 24 hours and she’s being nasty to you. That’s pretty clear fucking communication, dude. How about you pull your fucking head out of your ass? How about that?

I’m being a little harsh because you’re asking me the same questions, probably for the 10th time, and you’re not getting the message. You’re refusing to do what has worked for you in the past, and you’re trying to make excuses to go back for what got you rejected.

Again, this is your life. You do whatever you want. If you’re happy with the results that you got, then by all means keep pursuing. Then don’t get upset when she files a restraining order against you.

Or try to communicate my truth in a letter (as my sister always says), ha ha.

It’s like, dude, you already drooled all over her in text and on the phone and in person. Drooling on her some more is not going to do anything to make her like you. She knows you, like you. She knows that you like her. She knows that you want her.

What is the MANLIEST thing to do when she pulls away, but I still want her ? 

Just let her be. Follow what’s in the book.

I recently spoke to you – February 7th – phone session. As a Christian, I have prayed over and over, asking if Jessica is to be my wife? If so, what do I do?

Nothing. You’ve done enough. You’ve done enough damage.

Plus, asking God to melt her heart and come back to me.

Yeah, that’s not how free will works, dude. Just because you like this girl and want her and you’re Christian, doesn’t mean that the Lord is going to intervene and force this girl to like you.

You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free. Love is allowing, and what you’re doing is you’re refusing to allow her to be a woman and to come and go. You’re trying to control everything.

Shouldn’t I at least reach out, confidently asking her on a date again?  

Well, how did that go to last three or four times you reached out? She was fucking nasty to you. Go read her text replies. Do those text replies look like a woman who misses you and wants to see you? They look like text replies of a woman who’s pretty angry and upset at how weak and pathetic you’re being. She doesn’t want to see you.

Instead of that weak needy B.S. I tried two weeks ago?  I feel I’m always being a robotic cold fish.

Again, this is more justification to pursue. So notice he says. He’s talking to some incompetent dude in church who obviously doesn’t understand women and doesn’t understand how attraction works. Again, he’s looking for somebody to say, “Oh yeah, let her know. Send a letter, call her, text her, show up at her work,” like you see in the movies.

I prayed with a guy in my church about it. He recommended at some point asking her if we can start over, since he believes the constant and early sex was not good for our long term relationship potential.

Dude, you’re talking to some dude who’s an amateur, some rando dude in your church.

We were always physical but never any deep talks. He thinks we are having way too much sex…

That’s probably because your friend ain’t getting no sex. He’s probably never even felt his dick in a wet pussy before, and you’re going to take advice from that guy?

…And I was not leading her to a Godly relationship. Also I can be quite a cold fish, I never really opened up to her, other than that silly text about B,G and E words.

We’ve been over this many, many, many times

Was mostly just acting cool and reserved when we were together.  I think maybe that led to our current problems as well. 

No it didn’t. You acted like a bitch is what led to your current problems. That’s what happened. We went over this in the phone session and you acknowledged it. Again, that’s an uncomfortable, unpleasant truth, and you’re trying to avoid, as Jocko Willink would say, “Extreme ownership,” for your fucked up actions, and you’re trying to justify returning back to the same thing that got you blown off.

Coach: Sometimes I feel so despondent and bad. I want to start all over with her because she is my unicorn.

No she’s not, dude. She’s a fantasy of what you think a unicorn is. Quite frankly, you don’t know her well enough.

If you look at some of her behavior and the fact that she’s been nasty to you, it’s like, she might be a fruit loop. You’re literally projecting a delusional version of reality on her because of your irrational fantasy, and you’re completely ignoring reality, and that never is going to end well.

Checks a lot of boxes for me. The last time we texted back and forth was Monday, February 5th. Now as it’s been two weeks by the time you read this, I realize that I communicated massive lack of confidence with her that last two weeks. I’ve gotta get that confident edge back in our relationship.

That’s why you need to go date and sleep with some other woman.

I know I look pathetic in her eyes. But I JUST CAN’T let this one go.

Well, how would a restraining order work for you? Would you rather have that? Would that be great for the people and the women in your church? To know that you pursued a woman to the point where she filed a restraining order against you? Probably not.

If there is anything on God’s green Earth that I can do or say to communicate now that I’ve changed. I ain’t gonna be a weak pussy anymore.

You’re still acting like a weak pussy, because this is like the third email you’ve sent me asking me to to say, “Yeah.” Go ahead and act like a weak pussy and see how that works out.

I am a confident, fun, good man for her (I know she wants this as we talked about it way back when we were communicating on the Christian dating app).

Well, at the end of the day, we have your behavior. So all that stuff that was said in the past only applied in that day.

What can I do Coach?

Do what we talked about. Simple as that. You tried it your way. How did that work out? She’s waiting 24 hours to reply, and she’s berating you and her texts for bothering her. Maybe you should go read that over and over. Tattoo it on your forehead. Maybe.

You said let her come back to me 100%… I just don’t want to lose something SO GOOD.

Well, there’s nothing there, dude. She doesn’t want to see you. She didn’t even feel like texting you back. She waited a whole 24 hours every time you messaged her, and she sent a three word reply back. Hello? Get a clue, dude!

I believe she’s lost hope in me or was turned off pretty bad the last couple weeks.

Well, if you notice the first time you let her go, she eventually came back. More than likely there is probably some other guys she’s dating and hooking up with now.

I am a proud man and don’t want to just give up and hope she comes back.

Well, would you rather keep pursuing her and get a restraining order against your ass? That just doesn’t seem like a better alternative.

Please help me salvage it! Thank you so much for taking the time to help.

Bob

Well again, dude, I’ve been over this numerous times. I’ve been over this in two phone sessions with you. I went over it in a video newsletter last week and I’m going over it now, a second video newsletter.

I feel for you. I know what it feels like to be in your place, but you are projecting a totally irrational fantasy and an imaginary view of what this girl is like onto her, and you’re completely ignoring how she’s treating you and talking to you. That’s not good, dude. You need to let her come to you. She does 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing and you just simply make dates.

If you go back and you look at the chain of events that happened when you did that, what happened? You started hanging out, having fun and hooking up. Where you went wrong is you didn’t listen to me. You started calling. You started texting. You started trying to force her to spend more time with you. What happened? She bounced on your ass again, and it went right back to the point where she wanted nothing to do with you.

It’s like you keep going back to the failed strategy that got you rejected, and you spent the last two weeks looking for reasons to continue that same failed strategy. I don’t want you to get a restraining order against you. I’d like for you to have another chance. If you keep doing what you’re doing, it’s not going to end well. At least then we can all say we warned you. We tried to help you.

You got to participate in your own rescue, dude. Talking to some random guy in your church who’s probably never even got laid before about what you should or shouldn’t do about trying to attract a girl. That’s just ridiculous. It’s like, come on man, have some self respect.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.