Why The No Contact Rule Works

Mar 9, 2016 by Coach Corey Wayne
iStock.com/PeopleImages
iStock.com/PeopleImages

How and why the no contact rule works to facilitate re-attraction, getting an ex back or turning things around with someone you may have done and said things to that lowered their romantic attraction to you.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss two different emails from two different viewers. The first email is from a man who details how using the no contact rule, my book and videos is helping him to get his girl back, who had started dating another guy after they broke up. He talks about what he did and said over the past several months to cause her to fall back in love and want to be with him again. This includes her ditching his replacement.

The second email is from a woman who has turned off a guy she was dating by texting too much and coming off as being needy and clingy. I discuss what she needs to do to rekindle his interest and get him back to making an effort to see her again. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the bodies of their emails.

First Viewer’s Email:

iStock.com/Constantinis
iStock.com/Constantinis

Hi Coach!Damn! Trusting your advice, following your videos and reading your book helped me get my girl back. Please note, as the pessimist I am, it took a real deal to make me believe in your methods, but then again, I was quite down spiritually and needed guidance. (If you apply the things I teach in my book, and you read it 10-15 times so you don’t have to think about it, it will work for you. It doesn’t mean 100% of the time you will get your ex back, but it will give you the best possible chance to get her back or get somebody better the next time around.) To be honest, I read your book once, watched a lot of your videos and made myself a step-by-step action program regarding my situation, and it worked. During your coaching, I managed to extract the most important information for my case and applied your teaching. (That tells me you’re cherry picking, however you need to know everything — pickup skills, dating skills and relationship skills. If you’re missing some of it, eventually, at some point, you’re going to be tested on it.) Long story short, I got dumped for being needy, or as the girl said, “I need to work on myself,” and after your teachings, I managed to get a business for myself, take care of myself and have been meeting and banging new girls. (You focused on being the guy you were before you met your ex.)

Photo by iStock.com/PeopleImages

I started out with the “No Contact” rule and applied the “Contact me only if you want a relationship with me,” leaving the door open with the gift of a set of keys to my flat. (That’s right out of my article and video, “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.”) The silence, getting out of the offered “friend zone,” leaving the door open and the “walking away and meaning it” did the job for step one. (The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it. If you had agreed to be her friend, she would have just kept you in friend zone while she started up things with this new guy, and eventually she would have chosen the new guy. Scarcity creates value, and that’s the beauty of what “no contact” does. When you completely become scarce and she doesn’t hear from you, it creates value in her eyes. She starts to miss you. Plus, there’s a 90% chance the new guy will be making mistakes, while you are focusing on yourself.) I managed to do all of this shit for a period of 3 months, so putting my girl in place with your advice in step one and starting to work on myself triggered the reaction of her checking on me and my progress each week by her reaching out. (If a woman is chasing you, she isn’t dumping you.) Step two on my part was the “Rejected twice and walk away,” as I offered a date on two occasions and got turned down, (If she turns you down on two consecutive occasions, she has to earn another chance with you and do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing. That way, it becomes her idea), but still stayed in touch to be checked on as my progress grew. So far, so good. I had said my final words, left the door open and got rejected twice, so now I waited as she was going out with another dude. This was all in a period of 2.5 months. (It made no sense for you to reach out to her. The only way you would bring it up again was if she brought it up.)

iStock.com/JANIFEST
iStock.com/JANIFEST

Last week, when I understood that I had to go to my girl’s hometown for a show, I’m a rapper by the way, I simply posted pictures of the event on social media, and to spice things up, I posted a photo shoot that I did not too long ago, just as a reminder of how I look for the female fans. All of this was made for my girl to see and trigger her emotions, jealousy, lust and desire to see and feel me, which had the effect of her sending a text via Facebook asking me if those hot pictures of me were posted as a reminder to her of what I looked like and to trigger her emotions as I was coming by in 2 days. (If the ex is trolling your Facebook, and other women are vying for your attention, your value is slowly going up. Your scarcity will create value in her eyes.) My reply, keeping it short and sweet: “I play the mind games baby,” which ended up with HER making a date. I just upgraded it from dinner, to walking her dog, to her visiting my show later, to having coffee the next day at her place, which ended on her couch after that, dinner, a text via Facebook the next day, telling me she loves me, and an immediate phone call telling me, “I love you, and just don’t get scared, but I want you to be the father of my kids. And the guy that I’ve started dating, fuck him.” (You did nothing, lived your life, and she reached out. Good job dude.)

iStock.com/Jacob Ammentorp Lund
iStock.com/Jacob Ammentorp Lund

So coach, thank you for being the player that you are. (I’m not a player or a pickup artist. What I am is a coach, and what I teach is negotiating and getting the terms you want for your life.) Keep up the good work, and as for me, I believe that I now have to just continue creating romantic, fun-filled opportunities for sex to happen, without putting labels on us and not mention the past, as that’s her job and mine is to work on myself and continue to court her. (And read the book 10-15 times dude! There are no shortcuts to success. Build on the momentum you’ve got, because you’re going to need those relationship skills if you’re going to maintain it.)Peace!

Bob

Second Viewer’s Email:

Hi Corey,

I watched some of your videos and found them very interesting, however I noticed they are all catered towards guys, or so it appears that way. (Not true. A lot of my clients are also women.) Recently, I have been dating a guy I really like, and I’ve been on a dating rampage for the last 2 years. I was in a 5-year relationship prior, only one boyfriend all my entire life of 27 years. Anyhow, I need help, because I really like this guy and don’t want to screw it over. I usually contain an aloof personality when it comes to guys, because I am aware I am attractive and not that dumb. I do have more guy friends, however I attribute it mainly to the fact that I love playing video games, the good stuff, not apps, and I have a career in a male dominated field.

Photo by iStock.com/jacoblund

We met online, and our first date was Oktoberfest with his friends. It was nice. Then we met up again at his place, and I gave in. (Hang out, have fun and hook up.) We have been doing similar dates ever since. (I highly encourage you to read my book 10-15 times.) I think he likes me, because he has told me, however lately his texts are becoming less. (When this happens, you have to realize, “Dating Is Like Tennis.” You hit the ball over the net, and you have to wait for him to hit it back. The quickest way to get somebody else’s attention is to remove yours. You’ve been talking and texting with him too much.) I don’t understand why, because we have similar personalities and crack each other up. (He’s a little full of himself, especially if you’re blowing his phone up, and he’s not at the same place emotionally. You’ve got to look at a person’s actions — what he’s doing, saying, thinking and feeling. You need to learn to back off when the other person is not investing as much. If he’s texting less, you have to text less. Remember, scarcity creates value, and that’s the beauty of no contact. Once he perceives you has having more value, he’s going to make more of an effort.) I really try to refrain from texting him, but sometimes I give in. (More than likely, when you become fearful and worry about the future, you text him to see where you stand.) Usually he does the texting. Should I be patient and let him continue initiating the texting, (Yes), or should I talk to him about it? (At this point, there’s nothing to say. You’ve admitted you tend to text too much, and you probably come off as being a little needy and a little clingy. Therefore, your value in his eyes has dropped. The way to regain that is to become scarce again. Then when he starts to doubt and become unsure, he’ll reach out to you.) We have been seeing each other for about 7 weeks. I am not good at keeping track. I usually just go with the flow. I’ve asked some of my guy friends, but they are inexperienced in dating or have horrible relationships. (It’s smart not to take advice from people who don’t have awesome relationships. Only take dating advice from a person that has the kind of healthy relationship you would love to be in.)Thank you in advance for any input.

Jessica

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“The purpose of life is to enjoy it. To become self-realized as a divine being having a human experience, who is able to influence the creative forces of the universe to conspire with you, to create any kind of life and lifestyle that your heart desires. However, in order to reach your full potential, you must overcome any and all tests of your faith, doubts about yourself and irrational fears. The universe will send the perfect people at exactly the right time to help you make your dreams a reality, and to help you overcome your limitations, so you can reach your full potential. Your imagination gives birth to your heart’s desires, which then becomes your grand, compelling vision and the outcomes you seek to manifest. Your compelling vision is the fire and passion that fuels and inspires your actions. Your actions produce results and experience, which leads to wisdom. Your mind can then be utilized to learn from your experiences, refine and adapt your approach, learn from others who already have the success you want and then influence your future actions. With enough time, persistence, repetition and action, your vision eventually becomes your reality. Therefore, success is not a matter of hope, but simply a matter of time.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne

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Published on March 9, 2016

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. This is a just a positive compliment to you. This video made me laugh, when someone pisses you off, you are not afraid to tell them off in your videos. It’s funny because I don’t really hear coaches do this and this is what makes you “The Corey Wayne” to me, lol. I enjoy listening to your beliefs and theories of dating and having a successful life but I also enjoy your other side -sticking up for your beliefs when some guys pisses you off. Not just listening to your “polished” side. I have watched all your videos from 2 years ago from now because I like to just listen to your theories and value your opinion, and yes you helped me move on from a certain past. Even though I don’t agree with some of ur theories I still always enjoy listening and value your opinion. Not everyone has to agree on everything in life. Thank you for just being you! Have a good day!

    – One of your biggest fans!

  2. Recently was dumped in a LDR by my girl friend. Her excuse was it was emotionally draining to have this long distance relationship and not be with me like she wanted to. She came multiple times to visit but because of my job I had to work a lot during the weekend. She knew this going into it and seemed ok with it. We discussed one of us moving but we decided that we would wait until after Christmas to have this discussion (which we didn’t). She broke up with me two days after Thanksgiving. She FaceTimed me crying and saying how great I was and everything it was just too hard and she wanted to have a social life in her town and couldn’t with me so far away. I told her that I loved her and I understand. I have done the no contact from that point forward. Haven’t spoken one word to her. I was wondering if this method works even long distance.

  3. my wife of 11 years said to me three weeks ago that she loves me but is not in love with me. i will always have a place in her heart as we have to beautiful girls together, but she doesn’t feel that way for me anymore. she has asked me to leave at some point as she wants to focus on herself and the kids as she feels like she has not achieved anything in life an that shes a nobody. she was diagnosed with depression in summer this year.
    This destroyed me emotionally for a period of about 10days where i couldnt stop crying now i am just seriously confused about whats going on her head. After starting to read you book the other day alot of stuff hit home and made me think in a different light.
    she said that when you leave i will still need help with the kids who are a handful. Helping her bathing & putting the kids to bed i can come round when ever i want and have tea/dinner after i finish work. we can hang out on my days off ,go for lunch together even go on holiday together. I wont be round every day helping if she wants space she will get space, im currently waiting for a house to move into. (my brother bought for me) we are still living together.
    the first few days after we barely spoke then we spoke really well for about 10 days about the kids etc then for the last few weeks we have barely managed to string a conversation together.
    We have always focused our attention on whats best for our kids putting us on the back burner. Our youngest is now 6 years old and severely autistic & non verbal/receptive, our eldest is 9 years old and has a connective tissue disorder inherited from myself. my wife was fully aware of my health issues when we started dating. we have moved the length and breadth of the uk together in what we thought was the best interests of our family. i remember a few years back saying to my wife on a number of occasions our relationship is struggling we need to have a night out go and stay in a hotel etc , but her response each time thats the joys of having an austistic child. hearing that slows chips away with out really knowing. two years ago i remember saying t my brother i think we were having issues as i felt the seperation but didnt know how to handle it. (my first relationship age 22 now 34). cant remember what was said but for the last few years i have been subconsciously stressed about our relationship trying to fix it do what ever i can to help her with the kids when im home from work. i always tried to be there for her in every aspect of the word from emotionall-physcilly-financially etc
    i know i could of been better in some areas but as could of she it takes two people to make a marriage work as it states in our vows “i promise to love, honour and comfort her from this day forward” . i am a man of my word and would never faulter on my commitment. I have some serious concerns about how deep of a depression she is in as her behaviour is not typical of her. Three weekends back when she first told me she went to london to meet up with a lady she has never met before to have time away to think about what she really wants. she got really drunk last and confirmed herself she wanted to focus on herself and the kids. i had to honour that but said to her i cant stay in a house with the woman i love with out touching you. Last weekend she wanted to have a drink so i offered to go get some hoping it might give us the chance to talk easier. it was a great evening we had a laugh, a joke listened to music nothing else happened passed physically. She lay on the kitchen floor threw up , as a husband should who is still in, love with her i comforted her and cleaned everything up. managed to get her to bed as she wanted to sleep on the kitchen floor i wouldn’t let her. whilst she was on the floor in my drunken state i know i shouldn’t of done but i declared my love for her saying that until the day she divorces me you are my wife and i will always be by your side whilst stroking back and bottom.
    she has gone out again tonight but this time staying at a friends house, left as soon as i returned back from work . i found that a bt of lube is missing as there where two in the draw the other day now theres one Serious thoughts about her cheating tonight.
    we are now at a stage were we barely string or form of decent conversation together but she is constantly getting changed in sight of me, having a bath with the door open so i can see her shaving etc. Yesterday she left her chest exposed as the top button kept opening. surely if you switch off in a relationship you would conceal your body more or is that just me. when we do talk in one instance she talks like we are a couple and in the other instance when we seperate. when i came home from work this week three times found out that our eldest had a sandwich for lunch and dinner and theres stuff everywhere blaming the little one for not getting anything done.

    Im Lost i am not sure what to think or do as i dont really think she does
    You state that women think more emotionally and men think more logically and practical. which got me thinking about stuff going on. i am trying to be distant and not respond to phone calls and texts in the same way as i used to (straight away or ring her to she how shes doing) as it states at the start about being a stalker blowing up her phone. we still have to live in the same house together at the moment . eveything in the house has to carry on as normal minus the relationship. she lost in her phone as she states its her happy place.
    a few reasons she has been saying is that if i was to look at you know too a few years ago you are different not as happy, my restless sleeping . From the first night she slept with my she knew i was a restless sleeper but she still married me and had 2 girls together.

  4. My ex just ended it 10 days ago. We had to try long distance. It was a real challenge, Ireland to California (8 hour difference). We were physically together for an amazing 4 months in Los Angeles and needed to do long distance for 5 months. I was reluctant to get into it as I had been in a failed Long distance relationship before but we both loved each other and had such amazing chemistry that we felt we had no other choice- after all, I was coming back in 5 months for a full 3 months with the intention of making the move permanent ASAP.

    The first month of distance was fine, she had work stress the second month but we were fine, the third month we both had stress but more so on her side. She found out something traumatising about her past, to do with her parents and lying to her, but she wouldn’t divulge the information. Although contact had somewhat dwindled we were still communicating in previous weeks, but this incident seemed to spark a large distance and she seemed to lose interest in anything romantic and communication collapsed. We talked through the night, she said I did nothing wrong but she felt different and didn’t know what to do, a break was considered and said she needs to focus on herself as her life is just crazy now with external pressures, insomnia and work. She seemed unhinged and uncertain about everything in her life.

    I fought hard for the relationship and made it clear, I return to California in 45 days and that’s a big game changer. She said she doesn’t know what happens then but she just needs to be alone now and couldn’t promise anything. I insisted we could no be just friends and she agreed. We talked for hours after until no more could be said. We have not been in contact since and I intend to maintain that to give her space and time to reflect. But I do still love her and in 45 days the distance disappears, which is what I am convinced changed her feelings over time (no physical contact and time difference, schedules etc). I am nervous for my trip now as it was built around the excitement of arriving to see her, although I am going for my career so it’s not my only reason to be there. Either way, it makes not thinking about her impossible because I am organizing everything for my trip.

    My plan is to try to move on emotionally to an extent and not contact her until I am in the same city. In our last conversation, I came across as the needy one and I feel that only adds to her current lack of attraction, so I need to undo that memory with time and space. I have no memories of us having any problems when physically together so it’s hard for me to accept that my presence won’t change things. Although she insisted there is not, naturally some paranoia has set in that there is someone else and she really just doesn’t want to be with me, as she seemed to have time for friends but not for me (although time difference and her stresses exacerbated that). I saw a real future with her and we loved each other enough to start long distance in the first place after a relatively short period together. She will definitely know when I arrive anyway as we had both been repeating the date during phone sex etc looking forward to the big release. How should I go about getting her back?

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