Why The Sex Stops After The Honeymoon Period Is Over

Why the sex stops after the honeymoon period is over in long-term relationships.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who says all his long-term relationships start off great and remain that way until the honeymoon period is over. Then his ex-girlfriends have all lost interest in sex and intimacy with him.

He wonders why this always happens and if he should only focus on hookups and short-term relationships going forward. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a viewer who says all of his long-term relationships tend to start off great, and they remain that way until the honeymoon period is over. Then he says every single one of his ex-girlfriends have basically all lost interest in sex and intimacy, and they’re tired or it’s not a good time. They’re just not that into it. Eventually he gets sick of it, and then he leaves. Now he’s thinking, because he’s a little jaded it seems like, he wonders if he should only focus on hookups and short-term relationships going forward?

So this is a big thing that I see in my phone sessions, because a lot of guys that I talk to, I’ve been doing this 20 years, I’ve done thousands and thousands of phone sessions over the years, and I hear the same things over and over again. The two big mistakes and the biggest complaint women have about men is that the guy is romantic at first and then it just stops. In other words, they’re happy to romance and date them in the beginning, but once they get together, they’re a couple, they get married, they’re living together, the guy just stops dating them. They’re not romantic. They don’t put any thought into it. They come home from work and they just want to have sex on demand whenever they want it. When the woman says, “We never do anything,” and trying to get him to take her out and do more, he’s like, “We gotta save money. We gotta do this. We gotta do that,” all he does is give all these excuses as to why nothing’s going to change. Then on top of that, they typically don’t take the time to make the woman feel heard and understood. As we know, when a woman feels heard and understood, the legs open, and when she doesn’t, the legs close.

So what happens is the guys just don’t make her feel heard and understood. Then the legs close, then they get mad, they want to complain about it, and they want to rationalize and debate with her about it, instead of recognizing that they stopped the courtship and they stopped taking the time to make her feel heard and understood. It’s like, if you’re in a long-term relationship, especially if you live together when you come home, one of the best questions to ask your your bride or your significant other is, “Hey babe, how was your day? What’s new? What I miss?” And just get her to talk about it. That should be a routine, because the purpose of relationships is you go there to give.

So when you come home, despite all the stresses and everything that happened at work, you’re not going to dump them onto her because you’re not going to make her your mommy or your therapist. You show up and you want to know how she’s doing. “How’s your day going? What’s new with the kids? Did I miss anything? Anything exciting happen today?” And get her to talk. “What else? Tell me more. Don’t leave anything out,” and say those kinds of things to keep her talking. Work together. You got kids. You’re going to help with the food. You’re going to help with the dishes. You’re going to help with everything, because the quicker you get that stuff done and then you get the kids in bed, then sexy time can happen, and by the time you spend a couple hours together, getting her opened up, getting her talking, the homework gets done and then the kids go to bed, then it’s just you and her, and you can have some coffee, tea or maybe a glass of wine or something. Now she’s open to you because you’ve been spending the last several hours being present with her, the kids and the family. Now she’s opened up, and then you make your move. Again, hang out, have fun and hook up. The hookup is always at the end. If you do this regularly, then when you want to bust a quick nut or whatever, anytime you touch her, put your hands down her pants, she’s always down to go. If you’re applying what’s in the book properly, you’re not going to get rejected.

As a matter of fact, you’re going to have the woman wanting more sex from you than you want from her, and there’s gonna be a lot of times where she’s gonna get frisky and want to get it on, and you’re not going to feel like it, and you’re just going to have to lay the pipe because it’s partly your responsibility, because if you keep beating up her pelvis and making sure she’s having a good time, even when you don’t feel like it, then when you do feel like it and she’s not. She’ll just open her legs up and let you have your way with her because she loves you and she feels close to you.

So there’s a chapter in the book, The Courtship Never Ends. When I do phone sessions with guys, that’s just what I hear over and over again. It’s always about money, usually, we were trying to pay credit cards down, or we spent too much renovating the house or putting a pool in, or putting a new roof on and trying to pay those debts down. Then the guys just 100%, all the extra cash goes to paying debts down, and he figures, “Well, we’re living together. We’ve got a 30-year mortgage. She ain’t going nowhere. Let’s not spend any money on dates.” Then they just don’t do anything and the woman’s cooped up in the house all day. Especially with the kids, the dogs or whatever, and doesn’t get to go out. She’s around little kids all day. It’s like, she wants to go out and be a woman. So you still got to plan dates. You take care of the babysitter, you get grandma, grandpa or aunt and uncles to come over and take care of the kids and you handle the dinner reservations. So all she’s got to do is get ready, show up, look hot, and you’re taking care of the adventure, which obviously is whatever the date you have planned.

Ideally, you want to go on at least one date a week, or if you got kids, maybe every week and a half or so, just because I know how difficult it is being a dad. So because I’ve been there, done that, got the t-shirt for many years, it’s a lot of work, but you got to make the time because if you don’t date and court your girlfriend or your wife, eventually some guy will come along and do it for you. The courtship never ends. If the courtship ends and you don’t make her feel heard and understood, you’re going to end up with a dead bedroom, and that seems to be what continually happens with this guy.

Remember, from the 10 Disciplines of Love, when you’re experiencing pain in a relationship, it’s typically because you’re focused on yourself. A lot of guys focus and complain about not getting enough sex from their girlfriends or their wives, and in reality, they stopped making them feel beautiful. They stop dating courting them. Women want to be in a love story after all, and the guy stopped the love story thinking, “Hey, I’ll save some money. We don’t need this,” and they cut that out. Well, that’s how it makes the woman feel like he cares. You’ll still plan dates. You’ll still do fun things. You’ll still take her on adventures and have romance. Again, that’s what women want. Girls just want to have fun. You cannot stop that. If you do, it’s just a matter of time before the relationship ends, and depending on her level of character, she’ll leave you in a very nice and respectful way if she’s of high character. If she’s of low character, she’s going to line up somebody while you’re still together and go to drinks, lunches and those things, or late night cocktails and girls’ night out. Next thing you know, she’s running off with somebody else.

So this is part of being disciplined. It looks like the guy’s romantic at first, just like most dudes do, and he doesn’t really seem to understand why it always goes sideways. I’ve discussed this often in the podcast with the girls. The reality is, the reason why women stop having sex with their men is they don’t feel safe anymore. In other words, the guy’s not leading like he used to. If she doesn’t feel safe, if she doesn’t feel like you’re the man of the house, that she can trust your masculine core, the legs are going to close, and the way to keep him open is to keep her talking or keep dating her and keep romancing her.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach Corey,

I have been a follower of your work for some years now and, to be honest, I have no issues getting a good woman or being in long-term relationships as I have been for 11 years in three long-term relationships. My challenge is I feel I don’t commit to one woman or I get bored easily with the relationships when the sex literally comes to a halt after years with what she said comes down to self worth, clinical anxiety and medication, or she is always tired and couldn’t be bothered…

Again, because her interest is low and she’s just not turned on. She doesn’t feel safe. They give you excuses that sound legitimate, but at the end of the day, they’re no longer attracted to you and they don’t respect you as a man because you stop doing all the things that made you successful in the beginning.

…Which makes me, as a man, feel rejected and with ADHD, I then always seem to cut things off once communication has been exhausted with no change on her part.

Well again, you complaining about sex is not going to fix it. The formula is hang out, have fun and hook up. The hookup comes at the end, and you’re mad that you can’t have your dessert first.

Again, it is a process. Seduction is a process, and you’re short-cutting the process because you got lazy. Because you’ve been together for a while, you stopped dating and courting her, making her feel heard and understood and no longer were attentive like you once were in the beginning. If I talk to all your ex-girlfriends, they would all tell me the same thing, because you did the same thing with all of them, and they all got turned off and lost interest for the same reason.

I then look for the next thrill after several years of being in a relationship. The chase of dating new women is exciting and the sex at the start is always great and an ego boost, but with maybe no long-term satisfaction. 

I feel like I am fighting against two people inside. The good Bob who likes the idea of long-term marriage, family and commitment, but the other who loves new women and the thrill of the chase and game of having many women short-term.

Can you give some insight on your thoughts, please? Why does sex on the honeymoon period happen on the regular and in long-term committed relationships it comes to a grinding halt?

Bob

Because the courtship comes to a halt and you no longer take the time to make her feel heard and understood. In the beginning, you’re excited, it’s new, you want to know everything about her, but it’s like once you know everything about her, then you no longer continue to open her up and you become like roommates because you act very similar, you’re no longer leading the romance anymore, and you’re just expecting her to always feel the same way.

What women notice is again, men are romantic at first and then they change, and it’s the same thing over and over again. Even my phone sessions tonight, probably at least half the people I’m talking to, that’s the boat that they’re going to be in. They stop dating and courting their girlfriend or their wife, they try to plead with them or argue with them and demand sex, and they take it as a personal rejection, when in reality, it’s like they change the relationship. They’re the ones that decide that they don’t need to take their girl on dates anymore and they don’t need to take time to open her up and listen to her, or make her feel heard and understood, or when she starts talking, emoting about things and solving her problems by talking about it, they think that she wants advice. Then they start giving unsolicited advice or a pep talk. Then the woman starts complaining saying, “You never listened to me,” and he goes like, “What are you talking about? I’m here listening right now.” What she’s really saying is that you’re trying to solve a problem instead of just letting her talk, listen to her and take it in. Sometimes they want advice, but more often than not, they really just want to talk and have you listen.

The difference between men and women is women solve their problems by talking about them. Men solve their problems by typically being in the man cave and contemplating over them. So basically what’s happening here is you’re changing the terms of the relationship. This is assuming that you were dating normal, healthy women. If the women lose interest in sex, again, they don’t feel safe anymore because you’re no longer leading like you once were. You no longer seem to be engaged or making the same effort that you did in the past.

You got to get back to the basics. Read the book and actually apply it. If you’re not interested in being disciplined, if you’re not interested in doing the courtship or you think it’s stupid, a waste of your time and a waste of money long-term, then yeah, you should only date women and have short-term relationships, but at the end of the day, all long-term relationships typically start out as casual hanging out, having fun and hooking up, and you just have so much fun together that you are acting attractive and you don’t talk her out of liking you. So as the weeks go by, she likes you more, she calls you more, she texts you more, you see her more, and eventually, once she’s in love after about two months, typically if you’re following what’s in the book, then she’s going to be all over you like white on rice. She’s going to want to be with you, even if it’s just coming over to spend the night. That’s the way things should be. If she’s all over you in the beginning and then she’s OK with seeing you once or twice a week, it’s pretty obvious her interest has dropped. There’s a chapter in the book called It’s All In The Numbers.

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