Why We Settle For Less

Why people tend to settle for lives and relationships that are less than what they are capable of living and having, and what you should focus on so you can reach your full potential.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been with his wife for thirty-one years. They were married for twenty-one of them. They have two sons together. She left him six weeks ago for one of her co-workers. The worst part is he actually knew this guy from his gym and was friendly with him.

She called him on the phone one day to say she was leaving him, and the marriage was over. When he pulled into his driveway, she was standing there with her bags packed. He says he would like to work things out and admits he made many mistakes, but acknowledges it is probably a lost cause. He wants to know what to focus on, so he can start meeting and dating new women and to create the kind of life and lifestyle he really wants. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.

Hi Corey,

I would like to thank you for the site and message updates that have helped me to get a better understanding of my lack of approach to my marriage. I have watched your videos and have purchased the eBook to help myself try and start my life again. I am unable to do a personal coaching session due to my financial situation. I will be upfront with you. I would have my wife back if I could, but it does not look like that will happen. (Why on earth would you want a woman who, after 31 years together, lies to you, deceives you and fucks some other guy behind your back, after expressing to you how uninterested in sex she was?) I have started to go out to meet-up sessions to try and move myself forward. (That’s good. When you’re the one who gets dumped, you have to assume it’s over, and move on with your life.) Here is my story…

I am finding it difficult to find the right path to follow and figure out how to move on with my life. (Now you have a clean slate, and you can do whatever you want. Ask yourself, “If I knew I could not fail, what would I do?” You can either move towards what you want and get close to where you wanted to be, or you can go through life like most people do, just trying to avoid failure and risk. However if you’re not moving towards what you want, and you’re just driven by avoiding pain, you won’t be happy with where you end up.) My wife left me six weeks ago after 31 years together, of which 21 years we have been married, and we have two sons who are still living with me. Let me first say that I am no saint, and I have my own personality traits that have made it hard in my life sometimes. I can be seen as aggressive, which is more in the way I talk than the way I act, and I can be a bit direct. (People who are direct and tell it like it is tend to be honest and won’t deceive you. At the end of the day, you need people to tell you the truth.) This is something my wife has told me makes her unhappy, which I have tried to work on. (When we feel fearful and are afraid we won’t be able to achieve our goals, we get angry.)

My wife has left me for a co-worker of hers that I knew from the same gym I go to, and I have spoken to him a number of times, as you do when you see someone often. (That’s just so shitty to do to somebody.) He started to work at the same company as my wife at the beginning of 2015 and became a co-worker. I have had a feeling that something was wrong for a number of months with my wife. When I would pick her up from her job, I got the feeling something was out of place when I was in both of their company. (After 31 years, that’s how she treats you. She doesn’t deserve another second of your life. At the end of the day, the marriage sucked anyway. At some point, you’re going to run out of time. It’s better to move on and create great, new memories. It’s important to listen to your heart, trust your intuition, and do what feels right. You know when it’s time for a relationship to end. When you know how to get what you want, and you know something better exists out there, you won’t put up with bullshit.) I have not had a physical relationship with her for over 3 years and have spoken to her about it, but she would just say it was something she was not into, she was unwell, or she did not feel up to it. She had been diagnosed with MS 8 years ago. (The marriage sucked and there was no sex, but you stayed faithful. However, she was unhappy and found she had chemistry with someone else, so what she was really saying to you was, she wasn’t interested in having sex with you anymore.)

She left me six weeks ago by calling me on my mobile on the way home from work. Told me she was leaving me, and when I asked her if there was someone else, she said I knew there was, and it had been going on for six months. I asked her if it was her co-worker and asked if she had she slept with him. She told me it was, and it was none of my business if she had slept with him. (She lined up a replacement and gave you the middle finger.) When I got home she was waiting in the driveway with her bags, and she told me she was going and would not come back. Within the first week, we had one conversation by phone, which really did not help, and a couple of text messages. One that she sent was to tell me she is with this guy now, as it was in response to a message I sent her explaining that I would do whatever it would take to fix the problem. (By that point, she was over it and had moved on. Women vote with their feet. If they’re with you they voted for you. Who’s she with? She’s with this new guy from the gym, so that’s who she voted for. If you read my book 10-15 times and apply what I teach, you can go find someone who’s younger, more attractive, and who will appreciate and value you for you.) Then she sent me another text message telling me the marriage is over, she does not want to meet with me, she does not want to continue being married, and I need to move on. (In this case, I would go get a divorce attorney and divorce her ass.) I feel she is discussing this with her boyfriend, and that may be the reason she is being so cruel, as she was never like this in the time that we were together. (Now that she’s got somebody new, she doesn’t have to keep up the facade. Now you get to see how she really is, how she really feels about you.) I have not spoken to her or seen her since the last message she sent me two days after she left me. She now has a new phone number, which I don’t have, (Good. Go get a divorce attorney and handle it. This is not somebody you want to give another chance with you. This is somebody you want to get out of your life, so you can move on), and sends messages to our sons to get her things and to arrange meetings for them to see her. She has told our sons she has been unhappy, wanted to leave me for years, her and the new boyfriend have a connection, and she wants to be happy. (This tells me she probably wasn’t much of a communicator.) She has asked both of my sons to meet this guy, but both of the boys have said they were not interested. (There’s a good chance it probably won’t last anyway.) She has also told them she has met his family, parents and siblings. My sons have asked her to meet and discuss the issues, but she said she wouldn’t. Both of my sons have told her they are disappointed and unhappy with the way she has handled the relationship breakup. She told them she knows what she has done. (Strike while the iron is hot, and divorce this bitch.)

I know I have disappointed her in the past by not delivering on promises. Many factors have attributed to this. If I’m honest, I have done other things, like playing sports, education, etc., to make up for what I was not getting from the relationship and may have not listened when she was trying to tell me about her issues. (It doesn’t matter now dude. It’s water under the bridge.) I have always been supportive of her, but it may not have been enough. (The best thing you can do at this point is to work on yourself. Focus on becoming the best version of you that you can be, and learn what I teach in my book backwards and forwards, so you can meet a really great girl who’s into sports and the things you’re into, because obviously, your wife wasn’t. Sometimes you’ve just got to let people go.)

Thank you for your help Corey.

Regards,

Bob

“Most people settle for a life that is less than what they are capable of living. They settle for mediocre jobs, lifestyles, lovers, friends, etc., because they are driven by their fears and tend to do more to avoid pain and failure than they are willing to risk in achieving the happiness and pleasure they really want and deserve. Everyone has a finite number of days in their lives to create and experience their dreams. Someday we will all run out of time. No matter what you do or do not do, you will end up somewhere in the future. Doesn’t it make sense to move towards a future you want and take the risks to get there, instead of trying to avoid failure or what scares you since time is going to pass anyway? In life, you’re either taking action to shape your destiny or you’re a passenger along for the ride who will someday end up at an unhappy destination.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne

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