Why women don’t respect the thirsty beta male who is desperate for attention and love.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a 32-year-old guy who has consistently acted like a desperate horny teenager on spring break, who is trying to lose his virginity for the past seven months since he started seeing a woman who totally makes him lose self control.
He’s experienced countless canceled dates and blow-offs at the last minute without explanation. He’s been stood up. He’s been her butler and manservant. Because he’s so soft and desperate, she doesn’t respect him or value his time. I discuss what he needs to do to take his power back and cause her and other women to respect him and his time, and seek his attention and validation. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
He is brand new to my work. He says he just got the book, so he hasn’t read it. So we’re going to have some fun. Probably make fun of him a little bit, because anybody that’s been here for a while and has been through the book has done silly, stupid things like this guy has done.
His big problem is that he’s just acted thirsty and desperate and soft, and this girl he’s been seeing, she’s a couple years younger than him. There was one time he went over to our house for a date that they had planned and she just didn’t even come to the door. Didn’t answer it. She may or may not been there, but she just blew him off. She cancels dates at the last minute constantly. He’d be setting another one, same thing. It’s pretty excessive some of the things that he’s done here, but he keeps inviting it. No one will ever do or say anything to you that isn’t a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves in a moment, and no one will ever do or say anything to you that you don’t invite them to do.
This guy is enabling this kind of behavior and inviting it, because he’s not setting it and not enforcing healthy boundaries, because he’s obviously really afraid to lose this girl because he’s just so thirsty. So let’s go through the email and see what we can do to help him clean up his behavior.
I’d been seeing a girl for seven months (July 2022-present), she wanted to take things slowly (one date every 2-3 weeks).
So I would say, she’s probably had low interest, low romantic interest and attraction.
Things progressed to intimacy, and things were going OK. At first, she mostly initiated with morning texts, etc. At three months, I put my eggs in one basket and focused my energy on her.
Well, anybody that’s read the book knows that if you follow what’s in the book, by week seven, she should be in love with you. But obviously, he hadn’t read the book yet. Still hasn’t, but that’s typically what happens.
I asked where we were at and if we were exclusive. Looking back, this is where I fucked up.
This is feminine energy. Bonding, connecting, opening up to receive love, trying to lock a girl down. The man should be the prize. When you look at the old movies, the black and white ones from 60-70 years ago, the women were always trying to lock down the best, most eligible bachelor in town. The guys were usually reluctant and eventually, they couldn’t help but fall in love and want to live happily ever after with the girl, because she just made it so great. She was easy. She was effortless. She loved him. She was loyal. She made things great for him. She made him a sandwich. From a nice drink, fetch his smoking jacket, his slippers, his pipe. Maybe a cigar. Maybe a funny cigar.
Then came the first cancellation…
Why is she cancelling a date? Number one, the sexual polarity is reversed. He’s acting like a chick. Number two, she’s not feeling it. It’s indicative of where she was. She’s canceling a date because she just doesn’t want to see him. Simple as that. The attraction was low.
…To which I didn’t accept/give her space.
So she tries to cancel a date and he didn’t accept it. He probably smothered her, started calling more, started texting more because he’s driven by fear. Fear that he’s not going to be loved. Fear that he’s not enough. In other words, he’s not enough of a man to want to keep her attracted, so he tries to force himself into her life and not allow her to push him away. Whereas a man who loves and values himself is going to be like, “Oh hey, she doesn’t want to see me. Maybe she’s busy. She’s got things going on. Maybe she’s in the wrong head space, but hey, I’ll go out with these other cute girls I know,” and then not think anything of it. But the guy, the thirsty beta male, is going to be trying to convince her. Why? To give him another chance.
She invited me to hers, but then didn’t answer the door, and then claimed I turned up unexpectedly.
She’s gaslighting you and lying to you. That’s not good. That’s a red flag, bro.
I told her to call me if she wanted things to continue. She did, and I explained how this was crossing my boundary and was generally damn right rude (Maybe I was too).
Well, if she invites you over and then doesn’t come to the door, that’s really rude. You shouldn’t have texted her. If you go to the door and you’re calling her like, “Hey, I’m here,” and she doesn’t answer, you walk away and you never look back. You never call or text her again for any reason. Not even to express that you’re pissed off or how rude it was. If she didn’t think enough of you and your time to come to the door, you’re done. You’re not going to make any more effort after that.
She can later call and apologize, or text and apologize. Then you can decide whether or not you want to forgive her, or the reason why she didn’t invite you over and didn’t answer the door was totally legit, which probably wasn’t. She just did it because she knew she could get away with it. She didn’t respect him, and there’s no consequences. Remember, no one will ever do or say anything to you that you don’t invite them to do.
From this point, things have gone backwards. Almost every date has been cancelled on (including last minute), followed by a text, “Hope you have/had a lovely evening,” or similar. To, “I’m out with my friends now,” without an apology. Rude.
She did it once, and you just kept coming back for more. When somebody cancels a date like that, you just walk away and you never look back. You never call or text her again for any reason, because it’s the ultimate sign of disrespect, especially when you’re showing up at her door and she doesn’t answer it and says, “You showed up unexpectedly.” Come on. She’s probably in there with another guy, who knows? You never try to keep somebody who doesn’t want to keep you.
Again, when somebody cancels a date, it’s up to them to pull you back in and really show you that they’re remorseful about it. If you keep calling and texting, you’re just telling her that it’s OK to treat you like dirt. So what happens? She’s going to treat you like dirt. Why? Because that’s just what women do. They troll us guys. They’re always looking for strength. If you display weakness, they’re going to mess with you and you’re going to invite it. The red pill community guys have a real hard time with that, but hey, you act like a bitch, women are going to treat you like a bitch. It doesn’t matter whether she’s a woman who has integrity or not. If you act like a bitch, they don’t like it, and you’re going to get punished.
Things have transitioned into purely booty calls (November-December 2022). I’d gone to a few, but then drew the line. The refusal to make a plan with me, or doing so and then cancelling last minute, but the expectation that I then run to hers at the call of sex whenever it suited her (Convenient because she lives alone. I don’t at this moment in time).
So there’s another reason. You’ve got to have your own place, dude. Even if you get a second job or a third job, whatever happens to be, get a little studio apartment somewhere that’s near where the action is. It’s decorated nicely. You can at least do that. You got to have a place for sex and intimacy to happen if you’re a guy. It’s ideal, let’s put it that way.
She is partial to a glass of wine or three, which is usually when the calls happen.
Again, she knows you’ll drop what you’re doing and run right over like a good little puppy dog. It’s like Sunny.
We had good banter. Generally got on well, and she comes from a good background.
Sounds like it. If she came from a good background, how would her parents feel about making a date, inviting a guy over and then not answering the door and then gaslighting him and telling him that he showed up unexpectedly?
Maybe it’s the silver spoon attitude where she gets what she wants when she wants it.
Well, you keep giving it to her, because you don’t value or respect your time. Therefore, she doesn’t either.
I told her we’re finished (January 2023), and that without a clear plan, she wouldn’t seen me again. The booty calls continued for a while and were ignored. Fast forward a month (March), she text, followed by a call, to ask how my property purchase was going, to visit when I had the keys and to meet as friends for a drink as she was seeing someone.
I would have said, “Yeah, I’m not interested in friendship.” The other thing is when somebody cancels, don’t bring up getting together again unless they bring it up first. Even if they text you afterwards. You’ll be nice. You’ll be polite. Maybe a little playful. After a couple of texts, you’re like, “Hey, I got to run. Talk to you later.” After somebody wastes your time and does an ultimate act of respect, you shouldn’t be going, “Thank you. Can I have another, please?”
Clearly she’s looking for an excuse to talk to me. I told her given all that had happened, I wasn’t interested in friendship.
Probably what’s going on is she’s not happy with the guy that she’s with, and she knows that you’ve always been wrapped around her finger and usually will drop what you’re doing to go be with her.
Two days later, a drunk booty call. I didn’t go as I was already asleep. Few days later, an accidental “spam” text from her WhatsApp, attention seeking. A week later, more texts apologizing for any “spam” texts, to see how I am and that my apartment purchase was going well. I suggested given all the texts, it’s almost like she wants to see me. She said no, that she is seeing someone and will not contact me again. I didn’t respond.
She has now deleted my number, but I’m not blocked on any platform. She has been fairly open and honest.
I don’t know about that, dude. You’re kind of delusional. You’re projecting your fantasy of what you want, and you’re ignoring this atrocious behavior on her part, but hey, you keep asking for it. That’s why she does it.
It’s like she wants me, but doesn’t. I do think I put too much pressure on ensuring it was exclusive rather than just having fun.
Well, it was obvious you were smothering her and doing all the pursuing. When she treated you with disrespect, you just kept coming back and kept pursuing. There’s no setting and enforcing healthy boundaries. If somebody disrespects you that way, you just never bring up getting together again. If she does, you make her come to you. Make her come to your place. If you don’t live alone at the time, tell your roommates or your parents or whoever you live with, your grandma, buy her a ticket to the movies or something. Get her a nice Uber – Uber luxury – and send her on her way. Say, “Come back in four or five hours, grandma. I got to plow the strawberry fields. I got to do a little farming.”
Me jumping to her tune didn’t help. Not sticking with my three strike rule regarding cancellations or attending booty calls.
She knows your rules don’t mean anything. She also knows that when you say you’re going to do something, you don’t stick to it.
I should get my property in the next month, and should she get in touch again, she can come to me. Hopefully, this will spin the dynamic of things. What did you make of this?
Well, she’s dating somebody else, so you shouldn’t encourage ratchet behavior. You shouldn’t encourage her to cheat on her now boyfriend or whatever with you. She should have to bring it up. Then when she does, just say, “Well, I thought you were seeing somebody. I’d love to get together, but only if you’re single. I’m not going to be your side piece. It’s not going to happen.”
I’m 32 (she 29). I’m too old for these games…
Well, you’re doing it to yourself, because you don’t know what’s in the book. The good news is you got it, so the journey can really begin.
…Too much drama! I am back on the dating scene and have reflected on my actions. I’ve also purchased your book, which I’ve just received.
Well obviously, when you go through the book, a lot of light bulbs are going to be going off. Like what happens with the videos, you’re like, “Damn, I did all these things. I did the opposite of what I should do to attract her.” The biggest problem with this guy is that she treats him with disrespect. Instead of just letting her be and walking away and making it so she reaches out to him, especially after a cancellation and her bringing it up after cancellation, when she’s canceled on you and then starts calling and texting and then brings up getting together, she ain’t going to cancel that date. Why? Because it was her idea. She’s afraid since you hadn’t been bringing it up that she may lose you. So you’ve got to let women come to you at their pace and stop trying to force things.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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