Why women feel empowered chasing men, and how men who over-pursue women turn them off and ruin their romantic chances with them.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a woman who started following my work, because she was simply curious about what I teach men and women. She shares how she feels empowered chasing men and coming to them at her pace. She also goes into detail to describe her recent dating interactions with a guy from work whom she has not gone all the way with, but is starting to lose attraction to due to some of his bad behavior and making himself look weak.
He’s starting to get butt-hurt that they haven’t slept together and is calling her a “tease” in his frustration. She asks my opinion. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of her email.
Dear Corey Wayne,
Unlike your other followers, I didn’t find you when my life was in turmoil. I really just wanted to see what kind of advice men were seeking in dating to find out if they are just as pathetic as we are. They are it seems, LOL.
(Well, women tend to be a little better at hiding it. What I’ve come to realize is most women in general are just as screwed up as us guys. It’s just that women tend to know and understand intuitively a lot more about what creates sexual attraction in the male-female dating and relationship dynamic. Beautiful women are getting pursued and complimented from the time they are girls, and as they grow up to be women, this continues and it can have a negative effect on their ego. They can get a little cocky and full of themselves and a little entitled, just like a good looking dude would.
Anybody’s going to get spoiled with too much attention and adulation, and the key like the great coach John Wooden would say is, to never get too caught up in criticism or praise. The idea is to just be humble. One of the things I like that Jocko Willink says is “Be humble, or you will be humbled.” In other words, when your ego gets too big, life’s going to come by and smack the shit out of you and knock you down a few notches. So the idea with these videos is to try to minimize that risk.)
I wanted to thank you for enlightening me, because I had no idea I was supposed to be doing the calling and chasing.
(It’s not so much a rule. It’s really a reality. Women tend to be the pursuers. The guy has to start the courtship off by getting her phone number in the beginning and start the chain of events that lead to a first date, but at a point in the relationship when the courtship is going well, the woman tends to start calling and texting more, picking the ball up and running with it.
Where most guys make the mistake is they continue to pursue too hard, trying to force things, and once the woman senses the guy is trying to force things, she no longer feels safe and comfortable. She starts backing away, investing less into seeing him because this confuses her. She goes from being really attracted to him to going “Hmmm, something’s off with this guy.” Then when she backs up, the guy understands something is wrong, and he starts calling and texting more, trying to force things, because he can sense that she’s backing away.)
It makes sense, because generally I have to feel very comfortable before moving forward in a physical way with a man.
(Remember as I say in my book, a woman’s got to feel safe and comfortable, and that comes from learning to love in such a way that the person you love feels free. It’s a non-attached, take it or leave it kind of attitude. On one hand, you have to make the effort and you have to initiate the courtship, but also on the other hand, you have to not let your fears overwhelm you and cause you to start trying too hard and forcing things because you fear losing the person. When your actions are driven by fear, you’re going to chase her right out of your life.)
Allowing me to come at them at my own pace is much better and it’s empowering.
(The first couple of weeks, the guy sets a date, they go out, and I always teach the three H’s: hang out, have fun and hook up. But as a woman starts to feel her emotions get engaged, and she continues to feel safe and comfortable, she really starts to like him more. Then she wants to bond and connect on a more frequent basis.
If you’re dating other women, you’ve got an active social life, you’re going to the gym, you’re taking care of yourself and spending time with your friends and family, you’re going to fit a date in when it’s good for her and it works with your schedule, but no more than once a week in the beginning. And as things go well on the dates, she starts to feel more safe and more comfortable, then she wants to bond and connect more. That’s natural, feminine energy.
If you do things right, like I talk about in my book, “How To Be A 3% Man,” then she wants to see you more, talk to you more and bond and connect more. That’s where the texting and the calling comes in. Then the guy uses those initiated contacts by her as an opportunity to set the next date.)
I’ve hung out with a guy I work with a few times. He seems a bit shy and doesn’t over-pursue. I figured, maybe he was one of your followers also. I have had to be the pursuer a bit more than usual.
(You’re pursuing more because he doesn’t seem to be pursuing as much. In other words, your attraction is growing for him, so you feel comfortable and safe calling and texting more than you normally would with the average guy that turns you off. Women are not going to automatically pursue a guy. They have to like you enough, according to the attraction scale in my book, for them to do that.)
We have gotten very hot but have not gone all the way.
(This is where it’s really important to understand the two steps forward, one step back philosophy that I talk about in “How To Be A 3% Man.”)
He’s recently accused me of being a tease.
(That’s a guy that’s definitely butt-hurt. He’s upset and calling you a tease, because he hasn’t gotten any sex yet. He doesn’t know what to do, so he starts calling you a tease, because now he’s thinking like most guys think, using a logical brain, “I’m going to reason her into dropping the panties.”)
This really put me off, because it implies I’m playing games. I just haven’t felt comfortable enough to have sex yet. Nothing more.
(Women have to feel safe and comfortable. Guys have to know when to back off and when to initiate more, two steps forward and one step back. Guys who don’t know any better, when they get stopped, they get frustrated and upset and she doesn’t feel safe and comfortable. Instead, he tries to force it by saying you’re a tease, which comes from a guy who’s weak and who doesn’t have much game. He doesn’t know what he’s doing. So you rightly feel not as safe and comfortable as you did.)
When I told him I wanted to jump his bones soon in a text, he called me a tease again rather than just arranging another date with me.
(In his mind, he’s thinking “I thought we were going to have sex on the last date, and then you stopped me. And now you’re telling me how much you want to jump my bones.” You’re fantasizing about it, because some time has passed since spending time together, and your attraction is starting to grow again. You’re naturally following what you feel.)
Mind you, we’ve gone out all of two times! I honestly just got kind of upset and told him I would not insult his intelligence by playing games. I don’t get it.
(Well, he’s butt-hurt because you didn’t give it up last time, and then you sent him that text. You can see how the average guy would go, “She’s sending me mixed signals.” There’s a push and a pull. It’s like a salsa dance. You get close, then you push away. The idea is you get closer and closer until he ends up inside of you. It’s testing, testing his strength. You back away when you feel unsure, and he lets you go like a cat, because he knows you’re going to come back when you feel comfortable again. Sure enough, as soon as you felt comfortable again, that’s when you sent out the text. You were thinking and feeling that.
When women say stuff like this, this is what they’re feeling in the moment. In the moment you wouldn’t have sex with him, you weren’t feeling safe and comfortable. He should have backed off, continued to talk, then a little while later move back in. But obviously, he probably at some point just stopped, gave up and got frustrated. When he let you go, after a few days you felt free and started to feel those feelings, because he appeared to be non-attached. He didn’t know how to read the signs and accused you of being a tease. He definitely needs to read the book.)
I’m high quality woman too. I have great career, long legs, dark hair and big brown eyes. I don’t need a man for anything, yet I’m very feminine, nurturing, and genuine. Men are attracted to me, but they always seem to fuck up.
(This is the experience of most women when it comes to the dating world. Guys don’t know any better. They’re too impatient, they don’t have any game, they don’t understand the push and the pull dynamic, they don’t understand loving in such a way that the person you love feels free, and they also don’t understand that women are like cats in that respect. You’ve got to let them go, and you can’t butt-hurt and offended when it doesn’t happen right away.)
Where do I find these 3% men you speak of?
(I would recommend you read the book 10-15 times so you can better spot the guys that have their shit together and the guys that don’t. Obviously, this guy does not. Maybe you could give him a copy of my book or send him to my website. And remember, if you’re going to give a guy instructions, they need logical step-by-step instructions. You can’t dance around the subject and hope he puts two and two together. Men are not intuitive like that. Explain to him exactly what you want him to do.
Guys tend to be egocentric, so he might not be open to learning anything from you on the book. He might tell you to just pound sand or he’s not interested, because he gets butt-hurt about that. That should cause you to recognize that he ain’t a 3% man, and just keep on moving. But if he’s open and coachable, and you can tell him what you need step by step, he potentially stands a chance.)
Are you available? Just kidding… kind of!
Thanks for reading!
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“It’s true that men should pursue and initiate dates that can eventually lead to intimacy and a relationship, but there is a fine line between pushing too hard for sex and a relationship, and not pursing enough to make the woman feel wanted. A man should focus on creating opportunities to hang out and have fun together, because this is what causes a woman to associate good feelings with being with him, which is a necessary prerequisite to her feeling safe and comfortable enough to open up to receive him mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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