Why Women Get Cold & Distant & Leave You Hanging Suddenly

Why a woman with seemingly high interest will become cold, distant & stop responding.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who started following my work this past year, but only read the book twice. He wasn’t really focused on dating until a woman he worked with in the past reach out. He was nervous and talked about his problems and lack of self control.

He tried to set a second date and then she simply stopped replying after telling him her availability. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Well, I would say probably the majority of dudes that are watching this video have probably had this experience. Usually more than once in their life where they start dating somebody or girl seems really interested at first. Then you have a date or two, maybe three, and all of a sudden she just kind of the more you time you spend with her, the more she seems to kind of fade away and lose interest and she just disappears.

So in this particular email, this guy’s 36, the girl’s 27 in question. They used to work together. He was her boss. He could tell back when they worked together that she had interest, but he had dated somebody in the office or the workplace once before and it didn’t end too well. So he’s like, “You know what? I’m in a position of authority. I don’t want to jeopardize my job, so I’m not going to get involved.”

Anyways, she, at some point, left the company. Then like once or twice a year she would reach out and he said he just really didn’t have much interest in dating or anything. Then all of a sudden, it kind of dawned on him that she was interested. He set a date with her. They had a first date, but he hasn’t been a good student of the book. He said he read it twice in the past year and you could tell he just he doesn’t know it. He just made a lot of mistakes, put his foot in his mouth on their date, talked about a lot of negative things, his lack of self-control regarding alcohol. Then he tried to set a second date, and as soon as she texted him the details of when she’s available, she never replied after that. Now it’s been two days and he’s like, “What the hell?”

So here’s a good email to learn from of what not to do, because these are common mistakes that most guys that don’t know any better do, because what do you hear in the culture? “Oh, talk about your feelings. Tell her about all your problems. Get it all out in the open, and then she’ll appreciate your honesty.” Well, if you give her a bunch of reasons why you’re unattractive or why you don’t have your shit together, it’s not making you look confident. It’s not making you look competent. What do women love more than anything? Confidence in a guy. So if you go on a diet-long diatribe about your problems and your issues on a first date, there’s a good chance there will not be a second date.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach!

I’ve been following your work for about a year and read the book twice.

Well, I mean, if you put the audio-book on two-speed and then you follow along in a digital or physical copy, you can get through it in four hours. So the fact that after a whole year you barely got through the book twice just tells me you’re not a serious student. You’re trying to cherry-pick. You’re kind of lazy.

I get that you weren’t really focused on dating or that’s what you say, but at the end of the day, if you had taken the time to learn the book and then gone out with this girl knowing the book backwards and forwards, you wouldn’t be sending me an email like this. You’d probably be sending me a success story. It’s when you experience pain of rejection, heartache and heartbreak that you realize you really should change your approach.

Recently, I went on a date with a woman I’ve known for a little over four years. I’m 36 and she’s 27. From 2021 to 2022, I was her boss. I’ve always been a calm, career-focused guy, and over the years I’ve had several women at work show interest, sometimes aggressively. I kept things professional, especially after a bad experience years ago getting involved with a co-worker. This girl was one of those who showed interest, but nothing ever happened while we worked together.

After she left the company, she would text me about once a year, sending old videos of us or memes saying, “This reminds me of you.”

So that’s clear interest. Girl leaves the company and she stays in touch. She likes you, but that’s as far as women will typically go, they’re not going to say, “Hey, how about a date?” This is what they do. They send you memes or, “Hey, this reminds me of you,” and they expect you to kind of put two-and-two together and figure out, “Oh, this girl most likely must like me. Maybe I should ask her out.”

I always liked her, but at the time I had other priorities and dating wasn’t on my radar, so I responded vaguely. Recently, she texted me again, sending two videos of us, one edited like a condom commercial with the text, “The chillest guy in the world.”

Well, if a girl is texting you a condom commercial, she’s thinking about you beating up her pelvis with your meat missile. That’s just the bottom line. So that’s pretty obvious, but again, it’s like you got to read between the lines. You got to understand where women are coming from.

I found it bizarre but intriguing.

Well again, she’s thinking about your cock. That’s why she did it. Girls like sex too, in case you haven’t figured that out.

I replied, “Still thinking of me?” and she said “Duh…”

Hello Captain Obvious!

…Which caught me off guard with how direct she was.

Well, I mean, this has been going on for three years now? “Oh, I think she likes me. Huh.”

She even remembered my birthday and wished me a belated happy birthday. I told her I wanted to see her and would get back to her once I figured out my erratic work schedule.

A week later, I told her I had to leave town for two weeks for work, and she was understanding and said she’d wait for my message.

So again, she’s got high interest. I mean, she’s been waiting three years. What’s a few more weeks? So this is like serving herself on a silver platter. This is in the beginning of the book. The quote from Adam Carolla, he says, “When a woman likes you, the doors start opening and all you got to really do is just walk through. But if the doors start closing in your face, then you walk away.” So in this case, she’s saying, “Hey, both doors are wide open. Please come on in as long as you don’t talk me out of it,” which unfortunately, it appears to be what has happened.

I usually suggest coffee dates because I’m an alcoholic and avoid bars.

Well, you go someplace for a happy hour and just have coffee or tea. You go to a nice little wine bar, doesn’t mean you got to drink anything. You could have some iced tea. It’s called self-control. Choosing to be healthy. In other words, being disciplined as Jocko Willink so well appropriately says, “Discipline equals freedom.”

I’ve been sober for five months after relapsing following seven years of sobriety. We couldn’t align schedules for a daytime coffee…

So again, if you’re trying to have a romantic date with somebody, you don’t make a coffee date in the middle of the day. That’s something platonic and friendship-like. Or if you’re not, you could have just said, “Hey, we should get together for dinner sometime. What’s your schedule like?” Because that’s a romantic date. I mean, the girl’s sending you memes about condoms because she’s thinking about your dick, and you’re like, “How about a coffee date in the afternoon?” Yeah, this is what happens when you don’t read the book. You don’t really know what you’re doing.

…So we agreed on a 7:00 p.m. date, which she seemed very excited about.

Probably because she didn’t want to do a coffee date because again, she was thinking about causing your general to stand at attention.

Unfortunately, I was extremely nervous…

Again, because he never read the book, so he didn’t really know what he was doing. Had a few vague concepts of the book.

If I’m a guessing man, he probably read the book a year ago, went through it a couple of times and never went back to it, hasn’t dated anybody, he hasn’t practiced anything. So how much could he really know? He’s just cherry-picking videos, probably checking in, watching a video here and there. That’s just not sufficient if you’re trying to get this part of your life handled.

…Especially with the fear of drinking again, and it affected my presence.

Well again, it’s a conscious choice. It’s discipline.

She was drinking, which didn’t help, and I made the mistake of telling her about my alcohol problem.

Yeah. What does the book say again? You didn’t really read it or take it seriously. If it’s not going to make you look more confident, more charming, more masculine, more put together, make her see you in a more attractive light, keep it to yourself. She’s not there to be your priest. You’re not there to confess all your sins, all your weird hangups or all your problems.

I didn’t go for a kiss at the end since I didn’t feel clear signals.

Well again, that’s why the book says if you’re unsure, go for it anyways.

I had a date, one of the examples I wrote about in the book, girl I went out with, even though I knew her and I was pretty sure she liked me, I saw as no signs in the date that she was interested. So when I walked her to her front door, I was going to go for the kiss because I didn’t want to wonder for the next several days or a week or so, “Does the girl even like me?” I wanted to get it out of the way so I could cross her off the list. So I go, and I started making out with her, and she sucked the fucking tongue out of the back of my throat and then says, “Would you like to come up?” I said, “Sure.” So that’s what I did.

Again, when there weren’t any clear indicators of interest, I walked away from that first date with some clarity. Instead, he walked away and he’s going, “Ah, I don’t know.” He’s just timid. He’s shy. He’s not going for it. He hasn’t practiced his stuff.

Stop licking my keyboard. Thank you… I guess the sweat from my palms is why the dogs like to lick my keyboard. They also like to lick our feet. So the dogs will go around and the girls are working and start licking in between their toes and stuff. I guess the puppies kind of have a foot fetish. I guess they like the salt. Well, thanks for coming to my Ted talk about my puppies.

Anyways, back to our regularly scheduled email.

Five days later, I texted her saying I’d like to see her again and asked when she was available. She replied, “Ha ha ha so you’re still alive. I’m free during the week after six. How about you?”

So the fact that she says, “Oh, you’re still alive” and it was only five days, what does that tell you? She was surprised. She probably started to think, “Oh, I guess this guy doesn’t like me.” So that’s an indicator that there is some interest, and it sounds like she was a little disappointed that you hadn’t reached out sooner.

I suggested a cozy place with good food at 7:30 p.m. That was two days ago and she hasn’t responded.

Well, she may be doing it on purpose to troll you because of your performance in the last date, because she went out on a date with you and you were all up in your head as you said, you were nervous. Then you talked about your problems and your struggles with alcohol.

Again, this is on a first date. How is this supposed to make her like you more? If she’s drinking and say, “How come you’re not drinking?” He’s like, “Oh, I don’t drink anymore,” and she said, “Why?” It’s like, “I focus on being healthy, so I prefer it that way. How about you?” Then change the subject. When you sit there and you feel like you got to confess your sins, “Oh, I really struggle with it. I was sober for seven years. I’m really mad at myself. You know, a few months ago, II relapsed and got really drunk and lots of bad things happened. I wrecked my car, got in a fight, got arrested.”

Guys will go out and say shit like, not that he said anything like that, but I’m just exaggerating, but from her perspective, you just basically said you have no self control, which is a masculine strength characteristic that women love. So you’re saying, “I don’t have control over my emotions and my actions.” So you should expect a pullback. Plus, her interest has dropped. So more than likely she’s going, “Do I really want to go out with this guy? It’s not like what I thought.” So she goes and she’s thinking, “Do I like this guy? Should I go out with him again?” So it’s clear there’s a lack of enthusiasm. The fact she waited two days, number one, it’s rude. Number two, it’s an indication that her interest has dropped, which obviously from his performance on that first date makes it pretty obvious that his performance was lackluster.

If she does get back to me, what would be a good response? You’ve mentioned sometimes putting a woman in her place. Should I call out the lack of response as rude?

Kind Regards,

Bob

No, I wouldn’t do that at all because it’s not going to help you. All that will do is make you come off as you’re butt-hurt and upset, and you already look weak because of how you handled yourself on the first date. So I’d say you’re barely just holding on at this point, so I would do nothing.

As I often say, you got to give women the space and the time away from you to follow through on their plans and commitments, or to flake out and disappear from your life forever. So when it’s been two days, that’s not a good sign. Maybe a week goes by. Maybe she’s waiting a couple of days just to see if you freak out about it, because it’s clear her interest is not what it was. The image that she had of you, this calm, cool, collected guy that she admired and looked up to as her boss, then you go out and you vomit your feelings and you vomit your lack of self control, it’s not good, man. You basically talked her out of liking you on the date.

Again, she’s texting you memes about condoms, so she’s subliminally saying, “Hey, why don’t you strap one of those on and come on inside, big boy?” Instead, you treated her like your therapist or your mommy, and you confessed to things that, quite frankly, were none of her business, you didn’t even need to discuss. “How come you’re not drinking?” “I gave it up for lent. I’m taking some time off. I’m really focused on the gym and being healthy, and I just don’t want to drink.” Have a good reason why a woman’s like, “Why don’t you have a glass of wine with me?” Be like, “I don’t drink anymore. I don’t like wine.” Don’t say, “Oh yeah, I had an alcohol drinking problem. It’s really fucked up. Crushed my car. The police were chasing me.” You don’t want stuff like that. Just keep it to yourself because again, it’s not adding any value. It’s not making you look good too. It’s making you look bad. So why do things that talk her out of it?

Thanks for crop dusting me, Lila. Oh, God! Maybe someday there will be a way to just share the scents, and I could share the gaseousness I’m smelling right now. It’s pretty repulsive. Thanks, Lila. This is great ending to an email…

So what are the odds that she’s going to reach back out? Flip a coin, but when it goes two days, that’s not a good sign. She may reach out after a few days or a week or so because it’s clear her interest has dropped. So if her interest does go back up, she’ll reach out. If you completely screwed the pooch, pun intended, on your first date, you’ll never, ever hear from her again. She’ll never reach out.

So think of it as like tennis. Dating is like tennis, you hit the ball over the net and you gotta wait for her to hit back. You hit it over the net. Now two days have gone by. When it goes beyond 24 hours, that’s rude. Means the interest is low. When she waits two days, her interest is really low and she might just be trolling you to see if you blow your top because again, what did you tell her? You have no self control. You got a drinking problem. You’re telling her you have no self control. So she might be assuming that you’re going to freak out when you don’t hear from her for two days, or you get mad, you get upset, but I’d say it’s more than likely because her interest has dropped and she’s trying to go out with this guy again and that’s why doing nothing. A few days go by and it can make her go, “Well, it was only the first day.” Then she reaches back out, “Hey, what’s your schedule like?” Or she just calls to confirm or text to confirm. Just make the date.

The next time you’re on a date, don’t be talking like this about yourself. Keep it positive. Keep it fun. Keep it light. Take the time with the book, and if you’re new here, the book is free to read in the Members Area of my website. There’s absolutely no reason not to learn the basic fundamentals, because these videos are meant to help fine tune the wisdom that’s in the book to specific real world situations, because obviously I can’t discuss every single situation in the book. It’s to give you the fundamentals, and then we can go through these emails as examples of, “Hey, this guy screwed up here. This guy did this right here. He should have done this differently. This is what I would do next time.” So you can kind of learn and understand how to apply the book to pretty much just about every situation you’re going to encounter because I get emails from all over the world, guys in every cultural and spiritual background.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.

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