Why women lose interest in men they initially really liked and had chemistry with, and how you can avoid these common mistakes most guys make.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss three different emails from three different viewers. The first email is from a fifty-seven year old man who met a fifty-one year old woman on the dating app Tinder. She was really into him on their first date, even telling him it was the best date she’d ever been on, but during the week after, she quickly lost interest and ghosted him. I point out what he did wrong in his texting game and some of the things he did to turn her off. The second email is from a guy who started dating a woman from work who was really into him, but things went sideways over the past year. Now she is dating another co-worker of theirs, and it’s hard for him to watch her doing and saying all the same things with the other guy that she used to do with him.
The third email is from a woman who is friends with benefits with a guy who is an avid student of my work. The problem is that she has developed feelings for him and wants more. She asks my opinion. These are three great emails where you can see the difference between what guys do to turn women off, so you can avoid the same mistakes and see from a woman’s perspective how properly applying what I teach causes women to chase and want more romance from you. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the bodies of their emails.
First Viewer’s Email:
Long time listener. I have read the book seven times and use the videos as a reminder. I know you have a great take on these situations and I’m looking for guidance.
I’m 57, the date is 51 years old. I work, and she is retired – sold a dotcom business a few years ago. High level.
She’s independently wealthy, so she’s not going to be in a rush. She has choices and options obviously.
Tinder date – Prior to the first date, back and forth texting, because there was a two week wait to meet because we are both busy. Pictures did not match the profile, but she is cute.
I notice this tends to happen more as you get older, or as the women you date become older, especially if you’re meeting online. They use filters on their pictures to make themselves look younger. They figure, once you get together in person, you’ll really fall in love with her personality. Which is interesting, because us guys tend to be more visually focused, whereas women tend to be more focused on the connection and how they feel as opposed to physical attraction.
First date – Immediate physical attraction, lots of kissing, heavy petting, hand holding, innuendos. I planned three stops in one date, (from the book), she loved it. During the evening, she said it was her best date ever. Thanks. The book made the difference.
Interesting. Hang out, have fun and hook up — the simple formula from my book, “How To Be A 3% Man.”
At the third stop, we danced and drank. We were leaving, and she got mad when she saw the bar bill, and said I drank too much.
Here, she’s tweaking your balls a little bit. You should always have a better comeback. If it doesn’t bother you, it’s not going to bother her.
She walked off into the sunset. Although there is chemistry, things happen.
As my book would say, 3, 4, 5 days later, you’re going to get in touch with her. Remember, it took two weeks just to get together for the first date.
I sent her a text the next day, wishing her well, politely.
Remember mystery. It’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. And I get a lot of shit about it, but at the end of the day, women like you more if they wonder whether or not you are into them. You’re texting this girl the next day already, even though you said you read the book several times and you watch the videos to fine-tune things, but I can tell from that statement, you’re not really following it.
She responded immediately, said she was upset then, not now. She said one mistake in a perfect evening won’t stop her from seeing me again. Don’t bring it up again. I agreed.
Now you’re seeking her approval. You’re apologizing for drinking too much. When it happened, you should have joked around and been silly about it, like it was not a big deal. But you got a little butt-hurt and upset and you’re calling her the next day, because you’re feeling bad, like you fucked up. “She thinks I drank too much. Let me call her, apologize, smooth it over and be extra nice.” That’s where you went wrong.
She has sent me text messages every morning since the first date, and we talked on the phone once, 80/20.
What is the phone for? Setting dates. So you’re already treating this girl like you’re girlfriend, talking more than you should, because you’re worried that she’s not going to like you because you drank too much. You’re already questioning yourself. You’re not sure of yourself. If you don’t trust yourself, how is she going to trust your leadership. Remember, she’s independently wealthy, and you’re working for somebody else and seeking her approval.
Back and forth for a couple days, playful, started to make the second date, of which she was all in.
Well, you should have made the second date right away, but you shouldn’t have reached out the next day to apologize for drinking too much. That was right after your first date, so you’re basically saying, “I just want you to know, I don’t drink too much.” At her age, 51, she’s probably dated or gone out with guys who have drank too much. Maybe she’s had a bad experience with that, especially since she got so got upset about that. Obviously there’s a reason. Maybe she had an alcoholic parent or family member or a guy she dated, and now you’re reminding her of that, instead of joking around and laughing about it like it wasn’t a big deal. You made it a big deal, and now maybe she thinks, “Maybe this guy’s got a problem, and I don’t want to go through all that I went through again.”
The next morning, she made a commitment to call me at 10:30 am to let me know a specific day this weekend. I did not get a call or text.
Sometimes women will do this on purpose. Remember, dating is like a game of tennis. You also want to see, is a woman going to do what she says she’s actually going to do? Does she have integrity?
I sent a text, “Hi,” that night to gauge attraction, no response.
Why are you trying to gauge her attraction by sending a text when she told you she would get in touch with you at 10:30? Because you’re thinking, “I fucked it up.” Why? Because you doubt yourself. You don’t believe in yourself and your own worth. I can see in your texting, you’re seeking her approval. You’re begging for her attention. You’re trying to figure out where you stand, and that’s not masculine at all.
You’re not communicating that you are sure of yourself. That communicates that you’re needy and you’re insecure. Remember, this woman is retired. She probably made millions from her dotcom. She doesn’t need you for money or anything else. She wants you to be secure in yourself. She doesn’t want you losing your shit because she broke your balls about drinking too much.
Two days later, I sent her a text, “Hey, it looks like this weekend is up in the air. Call me when you are available.” No response.
Two days later, I sent another text to check on her. Usually she responded to my messages. This time, she responded immediately, said she wants to see me, but has family issues, dad sounds terminal, and her daughter is coming home???
You’re treating her like you’re in a relationship, and all you did was go out on one date. You need to read my book 10-15 times bro. You need to practice this, because when you meet a girl you really like and have chemistry with, and you fuck up like this, it’s like you revert right back to the old behavior, and you get blown off for the same reasons all those other girls you really liked blew you off. Bad way to go my friend. But sometimes you’ve got to learn the hard way and get burned a few times.
I am thinking about using the no contact rule and go about my business. If she reaches out, then good.
By this point, it’s already fucked.
I wonder if she is thinking I will figure it out, and she is detaching. The chemistry seemed real.
Well, it was until you talked her out of liking you.
I’m not sure if the communication stop is a drop in her interest level or she is testing me.
Come on man.
That’s my story. I really like this one. It took me a while to find chemistry on a date.
This is what I’m talking about. That’s why you prepare. If you were focused on your mission and purpose, as I talk about extensively in my second book “Mastering Yourself,” you wouldn’t be worried about this girl. You would have waited 3, 4, 5 days, maybe the next week, and then gotten in touch with her.
If you had waited, she might have reached out to you first, but since you were seeking her approval, begging for attention because you really liked her, you thought you’d be extra nice to her, and she’d like you more. But what you did was you acted weak, you acted unsure of yourself, you were seeking her approval, and you communicated that you basically didn’t have much to offer. Your actions reflected that, so obviously she got turned off.
I would let it be. Don’t call her or text her at all. Let her reach out to you, then make the next date. If you violate the principles, you’re going to get ghosted. And for the most part, that looks like what’s happened.
Second Viewer’s Email:
Hi Coach Corey,
Wow, your video sessions and book are great! (Read once.) So, huge thanks!
Read it 10-15 times my friend. Otherwise, you’ll end up being like the first guy.
I’m not expecting a response to my email, or it being discussed in your newsletter, but thought I’d share my mega disastrous year with you for a bit of interest. I’m based in the UK, and in a nutshell. It’s been a perfect storm of all the things you teach not to do.
When you experience pain, that’s the kind of thing that makes you go, “Holy shit, I don’t want to experience that again.”
I became involved with a new girl at work last year after some heavy chasing from her. We were both in relationships, she was obviously unhappy at the time with hers, and regretfully I cheated. I got caught up in Skype work communications, Linked-in chats and arranging meetups in secret.
Come on man. If you’re not happy, you’ve got to have the balls to tell the girl that you’re with that you’re not happy, you don’t want to be in a relationship anymore, and you want it to end. Then you move on with your life. It’s not fair to her or to you to try to line something up on the side. See, here’s what most people do. They don’t like being single. The thought of being single and not having somebody sucks to the average person. They think about all the dates they’re going to go on that don’t go anywhere and all the phone numbers they’ll get that turn into nothing until they find somebody they really jive with. And that’s understandable. What a lot of people do is, they won’t leave their current relationship until they line up somebody better. And that’s just a low integrity way to go about things. I do not condone or endorse that at all. It’s just a shitty way to be. You reap what you sow.
My interest level at first was low, but she became hotter by the day, and I gradually became infatuated.
That’s what happens when you don’t have emotional self-control, and you don’t know the fundamentals in the book.
She was different, forthcoming, and talked about sex and cheating from the outset.
So she’s a liar and a cheater as well.
Sex never happened, but many nights of heavy kissing into the early hours in multiple bars in my city. I was caught up in the excitement and possibilities, but was also fearful and suffered from huge guilt. She dumped her boyfriend over Christmas, and January became torturous for me, as I didn’t know what to do. I ended up finishing my relationship in early February, and about a week later she returned to her ex.
Good on you for doing that.
My neediness had become apparent. There were red flags all over the place. She even admitted she was manipulative, and I ignored it!
Look at the ways we bullshit ourselves. Remember, we make our decisions based on emotion, and we use logic and reason to justify it.
Over the next months, she took a lot of time off work, a two week trip of a lifetime holiday, paid for by her boyfriend, (to which she texted me every moment where the time difference allowed and sent me pics of herself), and a month’s unpaid leave to Australia to see family by herself where, in contrast, she contacted me once.
So whatever she wasn’t getting from her boyfriend, she was getting that from you. If the sex was great with the boyfriend, but there was no emotional or mental conversations or connection going on, she was getting that from you. That’s what weak and insecure people do. They just find somebody to fill that need, wrecking your life in essence.
Interest from her started to dissipate, but my feelings were still strong. Whilst I was dating other women, she would say things like she was jealous of things going well, and if only things had been different, etc. However, she recently broke it off with her boyfriend again, and I allowed her to stay at my apartment for a bit, but then when she started to see another guy in my office, our ‘friendship’ went downhill on my part, as I felt the only way for me to deal with this is to blankly ignore her, which has now been the case for the past two months.
You even let her live with you. I know you feel like a chump. You became the gay male girlfriend instead of her lover. Bad, bad way to go.
This is the part I find the hardest, as it’s not my natural default and I’m usually really personable, but it’s fairly destroying to see her pull the same tactics on another colleague, seeing her Skyping and flirting with him all day long, and who has now also dropped his girlfriend for her.
Wow, there’s a cheating triangle in the office. I think you need one of my “No Drama Allowed” mugs, because if you understood the meaning behind that, then you would have never gotten involved with this woman.
I feel I’ve been puppeteered.
Well, you did it to yourself brother.
Although, after some stress and health problems this has caused, I’ve started to bounce back a bit, but still have the awkwardness of the workplace. She still dominates my thoughts, and I know she shouldn’t
Have a good one.
Well, obviously you developed some chemistry and emotional attachment. Remember, rejection breeds obsession, and now you’re working with the dude that she’s with. But you know what, she’s his problem now. Flirt with the other girls in the office and try to meet as many women as you can. Eventually, you will meet somebody that you really like.
And if you’re honest with yourself, you were like, meh, but she became more attractive over time. So the reality is, you fell for a chick that you really weren’t that into, partly because she wasn’t available. Remember, we tend to want what we can’t have.
Third Viewer’s Email:
Hey Coach Corey,
As a woman, I can really appreciate your work. I know most of your advice is for guys, but I’m hoping your experience can shed some light for a gal.
Some history about me, I’m a 26-year old woman, (I’ve included a pic below. I’m the blonde), whose recently divorced, and I have a six year old daughter. My ex-husband and I were high school sweethearts and began dating when we were only 15. We had our daughter when I was 20 and married a year later. But the marriage was fraught with problems. Constant arguing and bickering.
Well, that doesn’t sound like much fun. Men who understand women don’t argue with them. But you guys were young. It happens.
The marriage only lasted sixteen months, but I was still deeply in love with him. A month or so after the divorce, I was having a girl’s night out at a local club when I met an amazing man, who would become my “playmate,” Lol.
In other words, no strings attached sex.
He actually approached me on the dance floor and had such an air of confidence about him, that he transfixed me. He’s 36, an Air Force vet, holds down a great job and is an aspiring actor and writer. We went on to become the proverbial friends with benefits, and we have a more or less no-strings-attached relationship.
Hang out, have fun, hook up.
We both preferred it that way, since I was still very much emotionally hung up on my ex.
This sounds like a smart guy. I wonder where he learned all of this stuff from?
Trouble is, I was still seeing my ex off and on, but Bob seemed totally cool with it and understood that me and him weren’t anything official.
He likes you, you like him, no attachments. What is a man’s job in the courtship? Create an opportunity for sex to happen. The relationship stuff, that’s on her.
During one weekend we spent together, I kind of roamed through his phone, (bad, I know), and that’s when I found he had your audiobook on his Kindle app. I was intrigued and decided to do some digging. On YouTube, I went through Bob’s view history, and it turns out he watches your videos a lot, Lol, (well that and a bunch of comic book related stuff, since that is his other great love it seems).
I downloaded your book and have read it once. Mr. Wayne, as a woman, I can say you truly get it. It seems my lover is a very serious student of yours. I can’t tell you how many times he’s actually texted me to bring over a bottle of wine in order to make dinner together after I have contacted him.
Hang out, have fun, hook up. Keep it simple. Because the reality is, if you want to have something, she’s got to be single, willing, able and open to having a relationship. You’re in the process of divorce, but you’re still hooking up with the ex, and he’s a realist. He sees the situation as it is.
Kudos to you Coach. You’re making some awesome men and lovers for us gals to enjoy. If Bob is as serious a student of yours as I think he is, then I may owe my relationship all to you.
But here’s my problem, over the course of the last few months, I have been developing serious feelings for my fuck buddy.
This is why I teach guys to focus on hanging out, having fun and hooking up. It’s got to be the woman’s idea for a relationship. The guys in the first two emails were acting like women. Where did it get them? Ghosted.
I have finally gotten over my emotional attachment to my ex, and furthermore, he has re-located outside of the U.S., leaving me with sole custody of our daughter. I want to pursue an actual relationship with Bob, but I don’t know if he has the same feelings.
Well, you being the woman, should tell him that. Just say, “You know what, I developed feelings for you, and I’d like to be a little more serious if you’re open to it.” Just let him know. See what he says. Maybe he’s just cool playing the field.
I have tried to bring it up a few times, but he always finds a way to change the subject. My question to you is, how should I approach this? I don’t want to be pushy and risk scaring him off and getting rejected. Furthermore, if we do get together, I’m afraid of what his family will think of me, since it was hinted that they don’t take kindly to their kids getting together with people who aren’t Hispanic, (I’m white as you can see). Bob isn’t the type to care what other people think about him or his relationships, but I’m still concerned.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
In this case, I would just tell him you’d like to be a little more serious, but you’re concerned about the family. You’ve got to think about it. You’ve got a 6-year old. Say you got together with this guy and had a relationship. Do you really want his family to give him the stink eye and not be very nice to your daughter?
You’ve got some things to consider there, so you’re definitely going to need to have a conversation about his family. The last thing you want to do is get involved in a relationship whose family is not going to like you or your daughter because you’re both white. Unfortunately, these are things we have to deal with in the real world. Not everybody is as spiritually advanced or racially mixed like my family is.
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Women love men that are sure of themselves and that demonstrate their high value with confidence, playfulness, charm, humility, self-depreciating humor and mystery. Women loathe men who question themselves, who shrink from challenges and who constantly seek approval, attention and validation from women. If you don’t trust in yourself, women will never feel safe and comfortable enough to trust in you and your leadership ability to the point that they will willingly and enthusiastically submit to you emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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