Why women prefer mysterious men over clingy relationship oriented nice guys.
In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 25 year old viewer who has done well after finding my work. However, he is in a bit of a slump and most 1st dates lately never make it to a 2nd or 3rd date. He is hearing excuses from women who have lost interest in him that reveal he is giving off a clingy approval seeking vibe instead of a fun and mysterious vibe. There also doesn’t seem to be a lot of enthusiasm in the women he is dating towards him. Whatever he is saying and doing on dates is causing the women to feel like he is trying to lock them down to a commitment because he is desperate for a relationship. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my video coaching newsletter, and the topic of today’s newsletter is going to be Why Women Prefer Mysterious Men Over Clingy Relationship Oriented Nice Guys.
Well, I got an email from a 25 year old viewer. He says he’s done well after finding my work and implementing it, but he says in the last few months he’s kind of been in a slump, I should say. And so, he says most of his dates are not making it to the second or third date, and he doesn’t know why, he goes out on dates. He thinks they go well. He’s getting ghosted, but he shares some several of the things’ women have told him when they have rejected him.
And so based on what they’re saying, because they say a lot of platitudes that women will say when they’re blowing a guy off and in reality, he has done things that has turned them off. But it’s also the other thing that I don’t see is a huge amount of enthusiasm from any of these women towards him. So more than likely, he’s probably overrating their interest and he’s kind of desperate for a relationship. And to find somebody and he’s impatient and he’s getting mad and frustrated that he hasn’t found anybody yet.
So, when you’re mad and you’re frustrated, women consensus, they can pick up on this and you’re going to continue to attract women into your life that are going to get you mad and frustrate you, until you can learn to relax and let go and have an easy going, let’s see what happens kind of attitude. Is this woman good for me? Do I like her? Do we share the same goals and values? It’s like this guy is just totally obsessed with finding himself a girlfriend, instead of just being skeptical and taking his time.
And it’s obvious women can sense that he’s desperate on a date just because of the things that they say to him, are the same kinds of things that if you’re familiar with my work, then you see the same kind of platitudes. It doesn’t matter what country the women are at. They all say the same things.
Appreciate all that you do. My dating life has continuously gotten better, and I have you to thank for that.
I’m a 25 year old male living in NC. I used to be really shy around women (which obviously did not end well.) Looking back, I’m not exactly sure why. I’m a good looking, in shape, successful man with a good sense of humor who lives an active life. It’s amazing what adding a little bit of confidence to that equation does when going out with women. I’m not yet where I want to be which is why I am writing you though.
While I have had immense successes applying your principles, I feel like it has hit a bit of a lull of late. 6 months ago, I got onto dating apps. At first, my matches were mediocre, and I was not having a ton of success converting them into dates. Through applications of your principles, I’ve really started attracting good quality women in bunches.
These days I probably get a new match or two per day and instead of them ghosting me at first it is often me taking things elsewhere. This month I’ve gone out with 5 different women with whom I view as high quality (8’s or better.) My issue is that none of these have really gotten past date 1 or 2. This has been a constant theme for me over the last 2 months or so and often it is for the same bullshit reasons that you often describe in your book
Well, the other thing is, so what? Maybe you’ve got to go through ten women, maybe it’s 20, maybe it’s 50, maybe it’s 100. Before you find one that you really click with. What you’re looking for is enthusiasm. And if you’re going out with a lot of women and it’s not really going anywhere, obviously you’re probably going out with women that you shouldn’t be going out with, because that’s why you should at least if you’re if you’re strictly relying on online dating, that you should be talking to them on the phone.
And if you’re not excited to talk to them on the phone, and they’re not excited about talking to you, there’s no reason to get together in person. Because if there’s no enthusiasm, if they’re not like, “Hell Yeah, I’d love to go out. Yeah, I’d love to meet you.” I wouldn’t waste my time. But when you’re desperate and you’re desperate to find somebody, you’ll go out with girls that are just not that into it, hoping that it gets better, hoping that maybe they meet you in person and they’ll be better in person. And it’s just not there.
Here are some of the things that he’s been hearing.
“I’m not where I can be right now,” “I’m not sure I see this going anywhere,” or just plain ghosted.
So whatever reason you got out of dates and these chicks are not that into you. That’s the important thing you’ve got to be able to discern Is she really into me or not? So, you don’t waste your time. And so, none of those girls were super into you. Now, they may have been in you, but maybe you said or did things on dates that turn them off. But the fact that you’re having this experience with multiple women tells me you’re probably going out with girls you should not be going out with and you’re wasting your time and your money because you’re not vetting them properly before you make dates to see them in person.
What is really perplexing to me is the level of attraction shown on the dates from these women.
Well, women can embellish, and they can act just like a stripper. You know, it’s like guys go to a titty bar and they’re like, “Oh, that’s stripper. She was so into me, man. Oh, yeah.” She’s like, “We really had a connection.” I was like, “Bro, the connection she had was getting you to part with your money. That’s the connection you had there.” They’re trained to make you think that they’re really into you because then you’ll part with your money way easier, because it’s much harder to say no to somebody you like than somebody you don’t like.
And sometimes women will bullshit you. They’ll go, “Oh, it’s super handy. Oh, God. I’m just feeling the chemistry. So amazing.” And then you text them, call him a couple of days later and they completely ignore you. So, what you did is you encountered a bullshit artist, and there are women out there that are full of shit. They’ll give you them. Oh, yeah. You’ll tell them that you’re into them or you had a good time. You’re like, Oh, yeah, yeah. You know, they’ll talk about how indie they are and then you try to set a date and they’re like, “Uh I can’t,” just look at their actions. That’s why you got to bottom line their actions.
And so, you’re probably going on dates, the girls weren’t that into you, and you’re liking them because you’re thinking, “Hey, she’s an eight, but what’s the chemistry like? Do you like talking to her? Does she like talking to you?” You can’t fake that.
I imagine I might be overrating it some but all 5 of these women asked at the end of the date if we could go out again, when I was free again, how I was single, etc. and also texted me after the date telling me how much fun they had and one woman going as far to ask me out 2.5 weeks in advance for when she got back from the beach. 2 of the 5 I setup a date with on the spot and the other 3 I later texted to set up dates when I knew my schedule better.
The latest woman especially perplexed me as she kept buying us drinks while I wasn’t looking (we were playing pool) in an effort to “make sure we kept hanging out” and asked me several questions such as if I would move with her as a travel nurse next year, asked how many kids I wanted, when I would want to get married, etc. So I definitely thought she’d be interested in seeing each other again as I was too (although all of those questions are way too soon to be asked.)
So those are pretty serious topics. Not sure what you actually said to her, but you’re having; What did you say? Did you tell her that you’d be willing to move if she’s a traveling nurse? And the other thing to keep in mind is maybe she just wanted to smash. Did you kiss any of these girls? Were you a bad kisser? Did you have bad breath? Did you go out and have some dinner and eat a bunch of onions and garlic and gross ass smelling? I mean, that’s kind of common sense, but a lot of guys just don’t think of that shit.
They go out and they eat a bunch of onions and garlic and gross ass shit and then they want to make out with a girl and their breath is atrocious. Maybe they’re a lousy kisser or maybe they’re lousy in bed. And they had all this chemistry and then they never hear from the girl again. It’s like if you go and you have bad sex, bad breath, bad time, it’s like you probably shouldn’t be surprised that she doesn’t want to go out with you again, despite what she says.
So, it’s nice that this woman asked all these questions, but at the end of the day, we have only her actions to really determine how into she is or not.
They all ended the same though: me getting ghosted, stood up or a text later in the week after setting up the next date saying, “I don’t really think I’m ready to date” or “I think I like this other guy more that I’m dating,” etc.
So, she had somebody else she was already dating more than you. And you’re whatever. I mean, these things are going to happen. You can’t get upset about it. So, when you hear that, it’s like, Hey, well, call me if it doesn’t work out, then just let it go.
I mean, all this stuff you’re getting these rejections, it’s just normal. It’s not something to get butt-hurt over. But you’re, like impatient because you haven’t found anybody yet and you want to just give up and quit. It’s like, hey, man, you just keep going until you find somebody.
It has gotten a bit frustrating because I feel like the dates are going well and I more than deserve these types of women.
Well, they got to like you too, bro. And if there’s a woman that’s liking some guy more because she spent more time with him already, there’s nothing you can do. Just tell her, “Hey, call me if it doesn’t work out.”
Some of them I really enjoyed my time with and wanted to explore things further, but it hasn’t been yielding that way.
So, we’re talking five whole women here. Five women didn’t go the way you wanted and that’s it. You’re ready to give up. It’s like, that’s nothing. You got to go through hundreds and thousands, bro. It’s like, come on, that’s silly. Is this the process?
This is just the process. It’s like going to the gym. You go and you do five workouts. You’re like, “Oh man, I don’t look like Arnold Schwarzenegger did in the 70s yet. Oh, man, I’m just going to give up because it’s not my genetics.”
My question is what do you think I could be doing wrong here?
Well, maybe it’s things you’re saying and doing on the dates. Maybe you’re acting desperate. But I would say a big part of it is you’re going out with women that aren’t that into you in the first place. Are you making out at the end of the day or are you going for a hug at the end of it? It’s like, what’s happening at the end of the day? Are you following what’s in the book? Are you creating an opportunity for sex to happen?
I’m definitely not over pursuing, if anything I might be too much of a cold fish. This has been my hunch, but I am having trouble figuring out how I balance over pursuing (what used to be my kryptonite vs not pursuing enough if at all.) I think it could be this because often I will tease them that I have to think about going out again when they mention it, I text very rarely in between dates and only if they message me and I don’t really ever give out compliments or mention that I had fun in an effort to be more mysterious (and being early in the dating process.)
We’ll probably say, “Oh, I have to think about going out with you again.” I probably wouldn’t say that. You know, again, you’re trying to make a joke through text, as it says in a book, “Don’t joke through text,” dude. Nine times out of ten gets misinterpreted. And if the chick’s got a lot of options there and she thinks you’re okay, and then you act like you’re this cocky stud, some women will get pissed off at that and just ghost you because they don’t like your attitude.
So, I wouldn’t be using that thinking that that’s funny. That’s just kind of stupid. “I’ll have to think about going out with you again.” I wouldn’t say that bro. What are you thinking? If she’s reaching out, assume she wants to see you and make a date. Don’t try to tease her and make her think you don’t want to go out with her because it’s obviously coming across as you are being condescending and arrogant and you want to be cocky and funny, but not arrogant.
And if you come across as arrogant, which that statement definitely can, knock that shit off, especially if you’re going out with women who really seem to be into you. If you say something like that and you come across as arrogant, that would make sense why you’re getting ghosted because you’re just kind of being a dick about it. Like I said, it says in the book, don’t try to joke through text because nine times out of ten it’s going to get misinterpreted.
And if you’re saying that to every girl who mentions going out with you again and then they ghost you or they cancel, then that probably is part of your problem. You’re trying to be a jokester through text and it’s not getting received properly. It’s going over like a lead balloon. So, knock that shit off.
If you do think this is an issue for me then, how would you go about balancing that more?
Well, again, the phone is for setting dates. Be direct, decisive, get to the point and don’t put any other bullshit in there. And stop trying to be cute and funny over text because it’s not funny. And when you say something stupid like, “Oh, I’m not sure if I want to go out with you again,” that’s not funny. It’s like you may think it’s funny, but it’s coming across as you’re an arrogant dick and you’re getting ghosted because the girls aren’t that into you yet.
Should I mention something more along the lines of how I had fun, and they were beautiful, would love to do it again, etc. Or stay with what I am doing?
Well, stop telling them that you’re not sure you want to go out with them. That might be a big part of your problem. It’s like whatever you’re trying to say or text to be funny, it’s not being well received. And again, this is stated in the book not to do it, and you’re doing the opposite of it.
If not too much of a cold fish, then what do you think might be my issue?
Well, again, you’re probably going out with women with low interest, but the ones that have interest, especially if they’ve expressed that and you’re like, “Oh, I’m not sure I want to go out with you again.” It’s like, that’s just stupid. Again, follow what the book says. Stop trying to make jokes through text because it’s going over like a lead balloon.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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