What it means and why women try to push your buttons.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who started talking to a girl again after messing up with her a year ago. She reached out and invited him to meet up with her and a group of friends. However, there was a guy who was going to be there who he didn’t like or get along with, but she kept trying to get him to meet up anyway. She knows they don’t get along.
He asks what he should do when this happens. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
I actually had a phone session with a guy last night, and we had a similar conversation where his now ex-girlfriend was pushing his buttons and trying to do things to upset him, and get under his skin, and cause him to be uncentered, because he had a little bit of an anger issue. He tended to get upset and mad and angry. And the reality is when you do that, when you behave that way, in other words, when you display that you’re perturbed instead of being unperturbable, it causes a woman not to feel safe in your presence.
And so, if they think they can do and say things that are going to upset you, they’re going to do it because they’re hoping that you remain calm. If you remain calm, then you’re in your masculine. If you get totally upset, then you’re being in you’re feminine and losing control, and it’s really unattractive to a woman.
He said he screwed up with this girl a year ago, and now he’s kind of got a second chance. And I don’t think he’s actually read my my work, because he’s talking to this girl about going out on group dates and things, instead of just hanging out with her and him alone. But you can see she’s doing things to see if she can get under his skin and trying to create some drama. And so far, he’s not taking the bait, which is good.
But if that’s why it went sideways a year ago, because he was getting upset and he was easily perturbed, she’s going to remember that. And women will do these things just to see how you react, if you remain calm. That’s masculinity. Because masculinity is being dangerous, but also, most importantly, being kind.
I recently have started talking again to a girl I messed up with a year ago and we hung out a few times before her work schedule went to 7 days a week for a month. She is now back to her normal schedule and I asked her to hang out, but she said she had plans already with a group of friends, but I could come along if I wanted.
So, as I talk about in “How To Be A 3% Man,” you don’t go on group dates unless you’re in a serious relationship, unless she’s in love with you and you’re officially boyfriend and girlfriend. And this email is a perfect example of why you don’t do that, because there’s a guy in this group that he doesn’t like and that doesn’t like him, and she knows that.
The whole point of a date, a man’s job in the courtship is just simply to create an opportunity for sex to happen – to hang out, to have fun, to hook up. And so, if you go out on a group date and there’s going to be a guy there that doesn’t like you, you’re cock blocking yourself. It’s totally unnecessary.
He already screwed up once a year ago. So, you can imagine if he agrees to meet her out with her and her friends and this guy here, where they don’t like each other, then the chances of him seducing her that night, or even worse, her showing the other guy interest and showing you interest – to kind of pit them against each other, because she’ll like the attention and validation – you don’t play that game.
You want to be the man of your castle, the king of your kingdom. And what seduction is, is to get closer and closer to a woman until ultimately you end up inside of her.
Whenever I get an invite like this, regardless of who it’s from, I always ask who is going to be there and where it’s going to be, (I don’t do well with drama).
Well, good news. Your life should be a drama free zone, because that’s what I preach. And if you’d like to remind yourself of that, go to Spring in the Coach Corey Wayne store and pick yourself up one of these sweet mugs to remind yourself. Proudly display it on your desk.
One of the people she said was going was a guy friend of her and her stepbrother, and she knows that we don’t like each other at all. (She knew this, as he had sent messages to try to get me mad at her so I wouldn’t talk to her, because he likes her.)
So, she likes the attention and validation from this dude. This guy’s basically coming back into the picture after a year, and now she has spun her little web and she’s going to have two guys that both like her, that want to date her, that want access to the box, and she’s just going to enjoy the show.
So, you’re moving into her world, or her frame, if you will, instead of yours, if you agree to these things. It’d be a different story if they were boyfriend-girlfriend. But if they’re boyfriend and girlfriend and she’s like, “Oh hey, come meet us,” and he’s like, “Well, who’s going to be there?” this guy’s going to be like, “I don’t want to be around that dude. It’s going to be drama.”
If she was like, “Oh, come on, honey,” you’re like, “No, not interested. I’ll go, but if that guy shows up, I’m leaving and I will leave you there if you invite this guy.” You’d have to set and enforce healthy boundaries if that was a scenario that was going on.
In this case, he’s just now starting to talk to her again. But because she’s not available, he’s thinking, “Wow, this is the only time I can see her,” which is a scarcity mindset. And so, considering going.
I told her I’d love to go but, “I better not, because I know he doesn’t like me, and I didn’t want to start any drama.”
I would have just said, “I don’t like that guy, and I don’t want to be around him, and if he’s going to be there, we’ll get together some other time. What’s your schedule? When are you definitely going to be available so we can get together, just you and I?” Because that’s the idea. You want to have a definite date with a definite day and definite time for the two of you, just you two, to get together.
Especially in this case – when now, you’ve got a second chance to undo your bad behavior – never, ever do a group date with somebody you’re not in a serious relationship with, because it’s just not going to end well. She’s not going to be natural because everybody’s going to be watching what she’s doing and what you’re doing, and you’re going to end up having two dudes there that like the same girl. That’s not a good thing.
“Thanks for the invite though.” I used to get mad over that kind of thing, but know now, women do it to watch a man’s reaction. She responded, “Okay, then.” And my shit detector went off that she was expecting me to justify my choice, so I didn’t respond. A few minutes later she messaged me again, “We are all meeting at the disc golf course down the road from you. We are going to play a game and then go trailing.” Once again I didn’t respond, partly because I was kind of mad she would even invite me, (and seemed determined I come)…
This is a test of your strength. And if you did a lot of flopping around a year ago and looked really weak, that’s why she’s trying to see if she can continue to get under your skin. This is what women do. If their frontal approach doesn’t work, maybe they’re going to approach you from the rear. If the frontal or the flank attack doesn’t work, she’ll approach you from the side.
So, that’s why you’ve got to be consistent, “No thanks. Not interested in hanging out with that dude, but I’d love to see you and get together. What is your schedule like? When can you and I get together?” That’s what he should have done, but it doesn’t sound like he did. He just sounds like he ghosted her. That’s not going to be helpful. Your job is to make a definite date.
…when she knows him and I don’t get along, so I don’t want to say something out of anger, and partly because I know it’s probably the best course of action.
Which, it is.
What do I do when she does this kind of thing?
Politely decline and make a date with just you and her. No group dates. And if you have a date set and then she says, “Oh, I invited so-and-so to come along,” just say, “Well, you’re going to have to tell so-and-so sorry, because you and I have a date.” And then if she says, “Oh, come on, don’t be that way,” it’s like, “No. If you’d rather go out with your friend, then go out your friend and we’ll just go out some other time.” That’s the takeaway at that point.
And then she might say, “Okay. Well, I’m going to go with my girlfriend then, because you’re being like this,” it’s like, “No problem. You didn’t keep your word, so have a great night.” And then I would never call or text her again for any reason, and I wouldn’t bring up getting together unless she brought it up. Because you had plans and then she tries to change the plans.
In this particular case, that’s the kind of shit that this woman is going to do. You’ll make a date and then she’ll go, “Oh, I invited one of my girlfriends to come along.” It’s like, “Well, you’re going to have to uninvite her, because I didn’t invite your girlfriend. I want to take you out. I want to spend some time with you.” And if she tries to get other people to go along, what she’s doing is she’s bringing cock blockers. So, say no to the cock blockers.
Just respond like I did and leave her be, or do I say something more assertive?
Well, I wouldn’t be agreeing to group dates. The one critique I would say is it doesn’t sound like you tried to make a definite date where just you and her could get together, and you do that by saying, “Well, when are you free, so you and I can get together and go out on a date or go to dinner,” or whatever.
And if she won’t do that, if she’s like, “Oh, well, I’m busy the next few weeks and I’ve got all these things with friends,” it’s like, “Well, it sounds like your schedule is too busy. Why don’t you get in touch when your schedule frees up, and we’ll plan something then.” And then you never do anything after that.
Because dating is like tennis. You extend an invitation so she can say, “Hell yeah,” or “Hell no,” or “How about I bring some cock blockers along?” So you’re only going to make a date when it’s “hell yeah.” But if it’s “hell no” or “how about some cock blockers” you’re going to say thanks, but no thanks for the cock blockers. Not that you’re going to actually specifically say that, but you get the gist. You’re not going to seduce a woman if there’s a lot of people around and it’s just your first couple of dates.
I don’t know how many times he went out with her, but he screwed up a year ago. He obviously displayed weakness then that turned her off, and she didn’t want to see him anymore. Or maybe she friendzoned him. But at the end of the day, this is the testing of his strength. Has he changed? Has he grown? Is he strong enough to politely decline?
But if the thirst is overwhelming, most guys would go along with the cock blocker date, which does nothing but get them cock blocked and a set of blue balls. And they waste a bunch of money and didn’t have a good time. They probably didn’t even get any kissy-poo for their trouble and their money. That’s a bad way to go.
So, I would encourage you to read “How To Be A 3% Man,” “Mastering Yourself,” and my third book, “Quotes, Ruminations & Contemplations” at UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just subscribe to the email newsletter.
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“A woman needs to feel safe and comfortable in order to open up to a man, trust his leadership and willfully submit to him. If a man is easily perturbed and she knows how to push his buttons to upset him, she will usually do it anyway just to see how he reacts. This is a test of his strength and emotional self-control. If he comes unglued, she gets turned off. If he is unperturbed, she gets turned on. Be unperturbable.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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