Why You Can’t Change A Habitual Liar Into An Honest Person

Why you can’t change a habitual liar into an honest person.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email update from the viewer in my previous newsletter, Am I Just A Rebound? She Keeps Talking To Her Ex & Male Orbiters. She’s still talking to and spending time with her ex and constantly lying about it. She lies directly to his face and only admits her lies when presented with evidence or he badgers her.

He wonders if he can ever trust somebody who lies so much even though he thinks they are stupid and unnecessary lies. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is an update from a video newsletter I did. I think it was early December 2024, so it was about two or three months ago. The title of that one was Am I Just A Rebound? She Keeps Talking To Her Ex & Male Orbiters.

When you’re dating, and this it’s not just dating in your romantic life, but also when you’re developing new friendships or you’re potentially vetting people to become your business partners, you got to pay attention to their actions. You got to pay attention to what their character is like, because character is destiny. Especially if you’re going to get into an intimate relationship or even if you’re going to have a friendship, you want to make sure that the person that you’re entering into a relationship with shares the same values. Obviously, if you’re an honest person, you’re really not going to, or at least, you shouldn’t want to hang out with and associate with people who are habitual liars, but throw some hot pussy, a cute ass and nice titties in there, all the vetting just goes right out the window. Especially if you’re naive or you’re young and you haven’t been burned enough, which I think is kind of probably this guy’s situation.

It looks like I guess he got serious with this particular girl. It seems like there may be long distance, like she’s away at college, but her ex-boyfriend lives where she does. The guy that wrote the email, he’s got his location shared with her and vice versa. So he knows that she’s been hanging out with the ex-boyfriend. Then he says, “Are you taking him to class? Are you taking him to school? Are you picking him up?” And she’s like, “Oh no, I’m not. I’m not driving him to school.” He asked her like three times. Then the next day he asked her again, “Are you sure you didn’t take him to school?” And then waterworks. She starts crying and admits that she did.

The original email, I’ll read it again, Am I Just A Rebound? She Keeps Talking To Her Ex & Male Orbiters. So here we are, three months, later and it hasn’t stopped. Now he’s serious with her, yet he’s continually catching her in lies and she literally lies to his face. He knows the evidence because he’s seen her phone or her iPad or whatever, and yet she still lies to his face. The only way she admits that she’s lying is if he confronts her with the evidence, or he just badgers her enough and then eventually she admits, because he could tell that she’s lying. When you see the same thing over and over again, Maya Angelou had a great quote: “When somebody tells you who they are, believe them the first time.” Then there’s another old saying, it goes something along the lines of: “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” In other words, you didn’t learn the first time around that this person is dishonest. He, in other words, refused to see reality as it was. He projected his fantasy of who he wanted her to be onto her, and ignored the fact that she just continually lying.

When you see that you’re in the vetting process and this is just someone that you’re casually dating, you don’t go, “Oh, I’ll get exclusive with her,” and then then she’ll be honest. Nothing has changed. You got to judge people by what they do, not what they say. It’s just delusional to think you’re going to fix somebody. Again if you’re younger, you haven’t had a lot of experience, you want to see the best in other people, you want to trust the people who are good at heart, but there’s some real dirt-bags in the world. There’s a lot of them, as a matter of fact, and we all have to live alongside them, interact with them and deal with them in society, but we get to decide who belongs in our inner circle and who doesn’t. So if somebody is continually lying to you, getting into an exclusive relationship really just means you’ll be exclusive to them, but they’re not going to be exclusive to you. It’s delusional to think that that’s going to change because they’d have made a commitment. I mean, if they continuously go back on their word, they continuously lie to your face, you’re just not going to fix that. It’s not your fault that they’re this way, but it is your fault if you continue to hang out with them and date them and think you’re going to fix them or change them because you’re a really good person. It just doesn’t work that way. It’s nice that we can see the best in other people, but you also got to look and see what is the reality.

The other thing to keep in mind is, this is not something that just happened recently. This is what she learned in her family. This is the value system that her parents taught her. You just have to accept reality. You can ignore reality, but you can’t ignore the consequences of ignoring reality. That’s basically where this guy is. He’s in the consequence phase of ignoring reality. Now just imagine you’re a guy dating a woman like this, and then she gets knocked up, she’s been hanging out with the ex, you don’t really know until the baby is born if it’s your kid or his kid, and in some of the states the way the laws are, if you’re with her, if you’re married to her, even if it’s not your kid, you’re on the hook and that really sucks.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach,

I recently sent you an email about a “Situationship” I found myself in (Will put link below). A lot of things have happened since that email…

Obviously, he’s talking about the video newsletter from December. Again the title, Am I Just A Rebound? She Keeps Talking To Her Ex & Male Orbiters.

…And admittedly, I made a decision before watching your video (No excuse, because I do read 3% Man and I absolutely know better).

You know, when it comes to sales, I used to be in sales. I used to train the people that work for me in sales, and human beings, we make our make our decisions based upon our emotions and then we use logic and reason to justify that. So in this case, he’s really hot for the girl and you just kind of bend and twist reality and pretend it’s not happening because you’re like, “There’s so many great qualities about this woman that I love, yet she keeps lying to me. She keeps talking to her ex, she keeps talking to the male orbiters.” So obviously the conclusion you draw from that is she doesn’t value loyalty, monogamy, exclusivity. Her word doesn’t mean anything. She’s she says one thing and does another.

You got to say what you mean and mean what you say, and she doesn’t mean the things that she says. It’s not our fault, it’s not his fault, but it is his fault for ignoring that and continuing to stay engaged with her, but it looks like he agreed to get exclusive with her before that video came out in December. So here we are, basically 90 days later, still dealing with the same issue that not only does it not look like it’s gotten any better, but it’s actually gotten worse.

As things began to get more serious with this girl, she was constantly reassuring me that the ex was gone and she was 100% ready for a relationship with me. 

Well, that just sounds nice, lovely, wonderful and a great thing for a Hallmark greeting card. However, we got to look at what people do, not what they say. Talk is cheap.

Back in November, she came home for a visit. We do share locations with each other and have been basically in a relationship without making it exclusive.

Well, you were in a relationship with her, is what it really sounds like because obviously I’ve already gone through this email.

I noticed her location was at a house in our hometown that I didn’t recognize. I didn’t think much of it and was just waiting on her to call me to let me know she made it back from school. She then calls and I immediately feel something is off.

So his spidey sense is tingling. He’s gone, “Something is not right.“

Just the tone of her voice gave me a weird feeling.

It was probably the sound of a guilty tone of voice.

I didn’t make a big deal about it and simply asked when she made it home. She stated she just got in town and did not make any stops. 

Honest. She just went straight home. So I guess she’s off at school, but the boyfriend or ex-boyfriend lives in the town where the current boyfriend lives.

At this point, we got off the phone as she was coming over to see me. I asked her once again if she made any stops on her way home and now it was “Her friend Emily’s,” house.

OK well, she actually did make a stop, but it was “Emily’s house” or whatever the girl’s name is.

I said OK and let it go.

Remember, she didn’t make any stops. “Oh well yeah, I did stop by Emily’s,” and you’ll see later on, proximity is kind of interesting.

Still, I had a bad vibe about all of it so I did some digging.

As Ronald Reagan said, “Trust, but verify.” If you think you’re dealing with one of these people, unfortunately sometimes you’re probably going to have to go through the phone to get evidence, because when you’re dealing with a real pathological liar, they’ll lie to your face and they won’t admit anything, and the only way they’ll admit it is if you present them with the evidence. When that happens, you should be willing to tap out, but again, we make our decisions based on our emotions, and then we use logic and reason often twisting it to justify those emotional based decisions.

I then received information from a trusted source that “Emily” lives beside the ex boyfriend’s parents…

Ah, how convenient! So you notice what she’s doing? She’s just basically lying by omission. “Oh, I didn’t make any stops.” Then it was, “Oh well, I stopped by Emily’s,” but she leaves out the fact that, “Oh by the way, Emily lives right next door to my ex-boyfriend’s parents.” Yeah…

… (He goes to college where my girl does).

OK, so the ex is at college with this guy’s girlfriend, and he’s the one that’s out of town. That’s just swell…

I then asked again if she gave her ex-boyfriend a ride home from school and even stated I saw her location.

OK, so that makes a little bit more sense. So she might have stopped by and said hello to Emily, so that part could be true, but she left out the fact that, “Oh yeah, the reason I actually stopped by Emily’s is because I had to drop my ex-boyfriend off at his parents house because I drove him home from school.” Got to be Sherlock Holmes with some of these girls.

She told me three times that she did not.

In other words, she didn’t give him a ride home from school.

Well, the next day I asked her for a fourth time and this time she breaks down and says she did give him a ride home (Almost two-hour drive).

That’s just great…

Love cannot exist where there is no trust. This hoe ain’t loyal. She belongs to the streets.

So a big fight breaks out…

Why even get mad about it? This is who she is. This is her nature. You made the choice to get exclusive with her despite the fact all the red flags are there and all the repeated lies.

…And we questioned our future together for a few days.

You don’t really have a future, bro. Not with her.

I then agreed to an exclusive relationship with her (I know…).

Come on, man! She should have had both those mugs. I should have had two. “Come on, man” mug and the “She belongs to the streets” mug, Rocky. Yep, she absolutely does!

You can’t make good wine from bad grapes. It’s just the way it is.

So this is it. We are exclusive…

You’re out of your mind, bro.

By the way, if you do want to get one of those mugs, you can go to the website or you can go to Teespring.com. Just look up the Coach Corey Wayne store and get those great mugs. I should have had some here, but the “Come on, man” and “She belongs to the streets,” would be great to have because she definitely belongs to the streets.

…And it’s almost time for Thanksgiving and Christmas. She spends Thanksgiving with me and my family, but was hesitant to bring me around her family stating it’s just too soon after the ex and would be a little awkward.

Probably because the ex has been around her parents’ house and her parents were like, “Wait a minute, I thought you were still with… Who’s this new guy?” So she’s lying to her family too. Obviously, we have to assume that. So he’s including her with his family and ignoring the fact that he’s excluded from hers. Again, this is dude’s only paying attention to his interest in her and completely ignoring her interest in him. That’s a bad way to go. That’s a recipe for getting absolutely burned.

Two days after Thanksgiving, I decide to look at her phone to verify some things. I find out she was invited to Thanksgiving from her ex-boyfriend’s mom and she even asks what she would like for Christmas.

Sounds like the ex-boyfriend’s parents still think they’re together. “Hey honey, what can we get you for Christmas? Because we love you. You’re part of our family.” If the ex-boyfriend’s parents knew what this girl was really like, they wouldn’t want him to have anything to do with her either, hopefully.

Now I know she didn’t go because she was with me and my family, but she seems to go along with it in the text.

So again, the ex-boyfriend, backup plan, whatever, he probably still wants to get back together with her, so he’s biding his time. I mean, it’s just a crazy situation to be involved in.

I then find out through the text that she has been giving her ex rides to and from school for almost the entire time we’ve been dating.

I’m shocked! Shocked, I tell you! I can’t believe it!

Including a lot of situations where I questioned her whereabouts and she lied. 

I mean at this point, she’s told hundreds and hundreds of lies, and he’s still going, “Yeah Coach, I think I can work with this. I can fix her.” There’s an account on Twitter, it’s like mug shots of like really attractive girls, and some of them are just smoking hot. Then when you look at what they’re in jail for, you’re like, “Damn!” Yet there’s some dude out there that’s going, “I can fix her.” That’s the way this guy is. He’s like, “I can fix her, Coach. I’ll make her an honest woman.”

So I break up with her and two days later we’re back together.

Yeah, you’re just spineless.

This is why these type of women, they’re never going to change, because guys are just so hypnotized by the pussy, and if not, there’s 10 other dudes that are willing to put up with this kind of behavior because they’re so thirsty. In a normal society where people have high character, what would typically happen is that she’d get a bad reputation and guys would know better. They would just hit it and quit it. This is a fuck buddy, friends with benefits, sex playmate. Definitely practice safe sex. I wouldn’t be raw dogging this girl, but again, this is not the kind of person you’re going to have a healthy relationship with.

Next week I go see her at school and check her phone again. This time there are recent calls logs between her and the ex after she stated she would never speak with him again.

Yeah, she’s just telling you what you want to hear and unfortunately you’re kind of buying it. So you’re enabling her behavior because she just presupposes and assumes you’re going to buy whatever bullshit she gives you because again, the thirst is real. “Coach, she’s so hot. You don’t understand, bro. The pussy is phenomenal. Her ass, I could bounce a quarter off it. I’ve never seen anything like it. You should see her naked.” He’s not saying that, but that’s what he’s thinking. Right, Rocky? These hoes ain’t loyal, Rocky!

I ask her if she was talking to him this week and she looked me in my eyes and told me no, not knowing I saw her phone.

It’s just amazing that this dude is this far down the road and he’s still, “I can’t believe she lied to me again.” What a shock!

This continues in a cycle for another three weeks. Call logs and her looking me in my eyes and telling me she does not talk to him and did not go get lunch with him. I saw texts this last time about them getting lunch on campus.

I would assume she’s fucking him and fucking you. Fuck buddy, friends with benefits, sex playmate. If it was me, I would just start dating and fucking other women and not tell her anything. I would never call her, I’d never text her, I’d never reach out first, and if she gets on the phone, it’s like, “Hey, based on your behavior, it’s pretty clear you’re still seeing and probably fucking your ex, and I don’t really believe anything you say. If you still want to get together and hook up when you’re in town, we can, but I’m never going to be exclusive with you again,” and go about your business. I mean, that’s how she’s operating, but she’s lying about it.

Now, days later I see with my own eyes that her ex contact name is changed to a different name.

Look at that! She knows that he’s looking at her phone, so she’s like, “Oh, I’ll just change the name to somebody else. I’ll call him ‘Bob.'”

I looked at her iPad while she was at work. It quickly disappeared when I brought it up as her iCloud is linked to her iPad and I asked her while she was at work.

So she knew about it, and she went and deleted it and then the message disappeared. How cute…

I mean, at the end of the day, this dude is pretty gullible. So he trained her to believe that this guy’s gullible and he’ll just buy whatever bullshit she dishes out anyways she can. Plus the fact that he broke up with her and then he went right back to her and agreed to be exclusive. He may be exclusive with her, but she clearly ain’t exclusive with him.

She continued to tell me I never saw it and she has no idea what I’m talking about. 

Oh, man! God, have some self-respect, dude! Jesus…

Coach, she has lied to me so much, but I feel as if they are just stupid lies.

Well, she’s just a liar. This is what she learned in her family. I don’t think she’s honest with her parents. She’s not definitely not honest with you and she’s obviously not honest with the ex-boyfriend. Who knows what that guy thinks? If she’s driving him around and they’re hanging out and going to lunches, she’s probably still fucking him because she’s lonely. She’s lonely at school.

The thing that bothers me is I’ll never know what the phone calls were about.

Yeah, it’s kind of a waste of energy to even contemplate on it, because it’s probably about the two of them fucking, dating or hooking up or who knows? You’re not going to like the context of it all. I mean, it’s pretty obvious that she’s not being loyal.

I don’t have text to read, just that they were on the phone. She states it’s completely over with him and they haven’t had sex in almost a year…

Sure….

…But that she just cares about him.

I bet. She likes the dick, probably. It’s probably a good dick to her.

So here’s where I am: Obviously I care about this girl and besides this, she’s everything I want and we work.

What? What the fuck did you just say?

“Obviously I care about this girl and besides this,” the constant lying, “She’s everything I want and we work.” Really, you call that working, when she’s still hanging out and probably fucking her ex-boyfriend and constantly lying to your face? Like, what is the future with that? You can’t believe anything this woman says. Love cannot exist where there is no trust. You are fucking delusional, dude.

Are these just stupid lies because she fears I’ll leave, or is this a real problem that I can not tolerate?

Well, you’re not going to fix it. It’s not changing. It’s not getting any better. You just have to see reality as it is, and that is that she’s a fuck buddy, friends with benefits. So if it was me. If you look at her actions, she’s not honoring her commitment to you, she never has, so there is no commitment. If it was me, based on her behavior, you should just start dating and fucking somebody else, and if she finds out about it, you can just say, “Well yeah, of course I’m dating and sleeping with other women. Why? What do you even care?”

Stop it! Don’t chew on those wires, you dummy. You’re gonna get lit up like a cat on National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation! Rocky was just chewing on some speaker wires. That’s nice…

I mean again, you’re just not going to be able to fix this, but like I said, that’s what I would do. I would just start dating and sleeping with other women, and if she asks you about it, just say, “Yeah,” and she’s like, “How could you?” It’s like, “Well, how could you? This is the standard that you set. You lied to me so much. I just looked at your actions and bottom lined it and it’s clear from your actions that you’re going to continue to date and sleep with your boyfriend and God knows who else. I’m only going to practice safe sex when we’re together, and I’m going to date and sleep with other women, so you’re not my girlfriend. You’re just a fuck buddy, you’re a friend with benefits, sex playmate. When you’re in town, I’m down to hook up. Other than that, that’s all I can offer you.”

From my understanding of the book and your work, I should cut her off and tell her I can’t trust her. She had a long conversation with me and stated that the thought of losing me has truly opened her eyes.

Oh, she’s really changed now. Yeah sure, if you believe that bullshit. I definitely got a nice bridge to sell you!

She blames childhood trauma for lying…

Well, I’m sure that’s probably true, but at the end of the day, she still lies. She’s a low character person.

…But swears that she has never cheated on me and will never.

Oh, come on!

If I’m sitting there and this girl is sitting there like, “Do you fucking think I’m stupid?” Well actually, she probably does. She thinks, “Well, you bought all my other bullshit lies, so why wouldn’t you buy this one?” She’s going to give it the old college try anyways.

She told me I should give her a chance to prove it to me…

She’s already proven that she’s incapable of being honest and loyal. It’s just not going to happen, dude. It’s not in the cards. You can’t make good wine from bad grapes, bro.

…And that she believes we belong together.

Yeah, she’s just saying whatever she needs to say so you’ll blindly trust her and she’ll go back to screwing you and whoever else she wants.

Is there any saving this?

Well, she’s not going to be exclusive to you because she doesn’t care. She doesn’t value it. It’s not part of her value system. It’s stupid to think that you’re going to fix her. You’ve tried. How’s that working out?

Even if she is telling the truth now, can I truly trust her?

She’s not telling the truth now. No, you cannot trust her.

I struggle with letting people go and always have.

Well, that’s pretty obvious.

I don’t know what it is, Coach. I just get attached. 

Well, you’re attached to the fantasy. Our job as human beings is to see reality as it is, not better than it is or worse than it is. As it is. So you’re seeing her reality is way better than it actually is, despite all the evidence. It also tells me you probably don’t know the book very well at all, if you’ve even actually read it, and you’re in a scarcity mindset. Deep down, you probably don’t think you can do any better, and you’re too afraid to go at it alone and be single.

Like I said, if it was me, I would just take a step back and go, “She’s lying to me. She’s clearly cheating on me. I can’t believe anything she says. The sex is good, I like hanging out with her, so I’m just gonna start dating and fucking other women, and if I get caught or I get confronted with it, I’ll just say, ‘Well, I’m behaving the same way you are. You keep hanging out with your ex.'” “Oh, but I wasn’t cheating on you.” I would be like, “Yeah, I don’t believe that for a second. You’ve lied to my face so many times. I don’t believe anything you say. All I know is that the pussy’s good. That’s about it. I like hanging out with you. We can continue to hang out, have fun, hook up and be fuck buddies, friends with benefits, sex playmates, but I’m not your boyfriend and I will never, ever be your boyfriend again. That’s just the way it is. When I find a girl that has the same value system as me, I’m going to get serious with her and I’m not going to be able to see you anymore. So I just want you to understand that that’s where we’re at.”

Like I said, based on how she’s treated you, I wouldn’t tell her anything. There’s nothing to confront her about. Obviously you like the pussy. It must be pretty good. You’re hypnotized by the bearded clam. Hey man, just hang out, have fun and hook up when she’s in town. Other than that, I wouldn’t call, I wouldn’t reach out to her, ever. I’d just be meeting, dating other women and applying what’s in the book. Then when you find a girl who has the value system and she asks you to be exclusive with her, then go be exclusive with her. Then this chick, you can say, “Sorry, I can’t see anymore. I met somebody else,” and you shouldn’t feel bad about it, because this chick clearly doesn’t feel bad about lying to you because it’s who she is. So meet her where she is. Treat her the way she deserves to be treated, which is, you’re a free agent. She’s acting like a free agent. You can act like a free agent. You don’t even need to have a conversation about it.

Like I said, if I were you, I would just start meeting, dating and sleeping with other women, and if you ever get caught, you could just say, “Well yeah, this is how things are.” “Well, you told me you were exclusive.” I would be like, “Well, that was before you kept lying to me. I just didn’t bother telling you that I was starting to date and sleep with other women because quite frankly, it wasn’t really any of your business, because you don’t really tell me what’s going on in your life. Everything is a lie. I don’t believe anything you say anyways. So if you’re mad and you’re upset, I don’t really fucking care. You did it to yourself.” That’s what I would do if I were you, my man. You clearly want to keep seeing her, but it’s just stupid to think that she’s going to be exclusive with you.

So enjoy the sex. Make sure you practice safe sex. Obviously, it’s not going to keep you from getting the gift that keeps on giving, but if you’re crazy enough to stay engaged with this girl, well that’s pretty much the best you can do. Be a free agent until you find somebody else. Look at it this way. It’s a need-to-know basis that you’re dating other women, and she doesn’t need to know because you should operate and treat her based upon how she treats you. So it’s clear there’s other dudes in the picture. We have to assume that she’s fucking them because we can’t believe anything that she says. She has no problem looking you in the eye and lying to you. So meet her where she’s at. You know she doesn’t need to know anything that you’re doing when she’s not around. It’s none of her fucking business, but stop treating her like your girlfriend. Just treat her like the occasional booty call.

I appreciate your feedback, Coach. I really am trying here and have a lot of bad habits and attachment issues I’m trying to defeat. Thanks for your patience and understanding. 

Bob

Well it’s your life, dude, but you got to see reality as it is and just operate accordingly. Again, you’re trying to turn a hoe into a housewife and that’s just impossible, especially with this girl.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.