Why You Got Stuck In Friend Zone & Couldn’t Get Out

Some reasons why you got stuck in friend zone and couldn’t get out.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who is new to my work after getting attached to an extremely cute girl from work. He is 35, has no game, no experience and has never had a girlfriend. He basically became her emotional tampon and kept interacting with her in a platonic way hoping she would change her mind and date him after adamantly telling him she had no romantic interest in him. She now has a boyfriend who seems to be weak and pathetic and he doesn’t understand why she is with him. He is devastated and asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, Why You Got Stuck In Friend Zone & Couldn’t Get Out.”

Well, this particular email, this guy is 35 and admittedly got no game, no experience, never had a girlfriend. He’s relatively new to my work and came across it after this situation happened with an extremely cute girl, very feminine that he worked with. Who was flirtatious, and he kind of basically became the gay male girlfriend. But because he didn’t know what he was doing, he firmly planted himself in friend zone after a year. And she even made it clear she had no romantic interest in him.

But all he was just focused on was his interest in her, completely ignoring that she wasn’t interested in him, and told him that, he just assumed since they were talking. He also tried to get her to meet him outside of work, which she never would, but obviously she wanted to talk and text all the time, which he did. And after a year of that, he found out that she’s got a boyfriend. I guess the boyfriend works in a kitchen. I don’t think he has a driver’s license.

He’s just basically what this guy considers a loser. And supposedly his mother knows this guy and doesn’t think very highly of the boyfriend. And he’s like, “how could she be with this guy instead of me?” And he’s obviously pretty upset about it. But this is a good email to go through for guys that like myself when I was younger. I mean, when I read this guy’s email, I remember stuff like that happening in my teenage years, in my early 20s, and after it happened enough, I realized that it’s better to pull the plug or pull the trigger.

You’re either in or you’re out. If she’s not into it, then you just move on and stop interacting with her. And then the final straw for me on behaving the way this guy did was, I think I was like 22 maybe, 21, 22. And I wasted like a year, year and a half hung up on this girl that just wasn’t available. I was always listening to her, we were always talking. And I finally got up the nerve to ask her out. And then I was just firmly stuck in friend zone. And meanwhile, she’s dating and hooking up with other guys and complaining about them to me.

And I just realized, “Man, I wasted a year and a half of my life, and just spun my wheels and got nowhere other than blue balls.” And I just recognized it. And that’s a good way to waste a lot of years of your life being hung up on women that are unavailable or uninterested, instead of you’re either in or you’re out, you give them an invitation to spend some romantic time together, and if they’re not interested, or they won’t make time or they have an excuse, you walk away. “Hey, let me know if you change your mind.”

And then that’s it. You don’t call, you don’t reach out. You don’t continue being the emotional tampon and letting her call you late at night and whine about her boyfriends or her life or whatever. Because, number one, it’s emasculating. Number two, it’s a waste of your time. And number three, it gives you a really bad case of blue balls.

So this is a good email on what not to do. But I think most guys, when they’re younger and they’re naive have found themselves in situations like this. And so you can just see it’s like a slow motion train wreck. And so now he’s looking back. He’s wasted all his time, hung up on this girl and went nowhere. And on top of that, he’s 35 now. But the good news is he’s new to my work or he’s been following it.

And hopefully if he reads The Book and applies it and takes his success seriously and is at the point in his life where he’s just like, “This is it. This is the last charity case that I’m going to take on and chooses never again to interact in a platonic way that firmly cemented him and friend zone. But it’s obviously a good email to learn from of what not to do, because this guy spent a whole year hung up on this girl.

Viewer Email:

Dear Coach,

I am literally losing my mind right now. Last year I got emotionally close with a coworker of mine. She is extremely cute, very girly and charming. She was always sending me mixed signals and eye fucked me when we worked together in the office.

Well, that’s nice and everything. If she’s doing that and she’s single, try to get her on a date. And if she gives you an excuse, then you just don’t keep interacting with her. You just say, “Hey, I’d love to go out.” But, you know, if she keeps calling and reaching out, you just you might eventually have to get to the point where you just say, “Hey, look, I’m not interested in anything platonic with you, and if that’s all you want, then you know, if you got something to talk about at the office, let’s just keep things professional.”

“But I’m not interested in being your gay male girlfriend or your emotional tampon. I’m sure there’s plenty of other dudes that got nothing going on in their lives that would be happy to listen to you. But you know I like talking to you. I like being around you. But if you don’t feel the same way, then this is a waste of my time because I’m not interested in just being friends.”

“So respectfully, please don’t contact me anymore unless you want to go out on a date. And if not, then let’s just keep it professional at the office. We can talk there if need be, but I don’t want you calling me late at night or texting me all weekend long or whatever. It’s just I’m just not going to get involved.” And if she keeps doing it, then you just ghost her. Ignore her. The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it.

And when a woman is not interested in romance and she expresses that, and if you continue to interact with her and take her calls and hang out with her and do lunches and platonic things, whether you realize it or not, you’re acquiescing to her demand of you staying stuck in the friend zone. And so from your actions, she assumes you’re complying, and that makes you look soft and squishy and weak. And it’s going to dry her up. And she’s not going to be interested in dating and sleeping with you, but she’s happy to complain to you when she gets her heart broken by Chad Thunder Cock.

She never wanted to meet me outside from work.

So that tells me he was constantly asking her to meet up and she always had an excuse, but she wanted to talk and he would comply because he was too scared to say no to her. You got to be able to tell a woman “No” if she’s trying to offer you something other than sex and romance, and you decline, but then you keep interacting with her in a platonic way. Well, then that tells her that you submitted to her. And you’re acting like a girl, and you’re not going to get out of friend zone if you keep doing that.

But she would text me every day and night for hours.

And again, the phones for setting dates. This is another reason why you don’t do this. This is how guys get stuck in it. Especially if, “Oh, I’m having trouble with my boyfriend. Hey, thanks for being there for me. I don’t think it’s going to work out. I’m so glad I have you in my life.” You know, they say things like that to dangle the carrot and you think, “Hey, I’m doing a good thing. Oh, white knight, I’ll save her from the terrible Boyfriend.” You see a lot of Disney movies that are kind of like that, and it always works out in the movies, but in real life, this is what actually happens.

I recommended things we could do together, but she never had the time, but a week later she would send me pictures via WhatsApp that she was doing the things I recommended with her girlfriends.

She’s kind of trolling you, but his problem was he just kept doing it. He kept interacting with her. He kept entertaining her. You asked twice and to go out on dates. And if she won’t meet you, then you stop asking. And then if she doesn’t bring up getting together, again, talking and texting for hours, you’re acquiescing to her, sticking you in the friend zone. Your actions communicated you were okay with it, even though you thought you were being nice and a gentleman and probably just wait her out. It doesn’t work that way because you’re just too soft.

Even at the point where I gave up and accepted that I was again trapped in the friend zone and told her we could just do something together with her friends if that helps her, she said no.

That’s just, you know, “Okay, well, let’s go out with your friends then.” So you accepted friend zone, and then you continued wanting to hang out with her because you had nothing else going on. A man who loves and values himself is just going to go date and sleep with somebody else. He’ll go and talk to the other girls in the office and not really pay much attention to her unless she comes over and says hello or whatever.

You reward people with the greatest gift you can give them, which is the gift of your time. And if they don’t appreciate it and they don’t want to meet in person, then you’re just not going to be their emotional tampon on the phone. It’s unattractive and it’s unmasculine, and all it’s going to do is frustrate you and give you a bad case of blue balls. And on top of that, you got some red flags here.

She told me that she was an undiagnosed Borderline.

I assume that means borderline BPD. Borderline personality disorder. You hear something like that?, It’s like, “Okay. Check, please. I’m going to tap out of that.”

She has an eating disorder and still isn’t over her ex from 10 years ago.

She’s telling you she’s messed up. And as Maya Angelou says, “When somebody tells you who they are, believe them the first time.”

She has a controlling mother and a father who treats his daughter like a princess. I noticed all her mood swings at work, but I had always been the one who she ignored when she was bitchy and passive aggressive.

The reason she was bitchy towards you is because she doesn’t respect you as a man, because you didn’t have the balls to stand up to her and tell her no. So that’s why she treated you that way.

Everyone else got treated perfectly fine.

If you act like a bitch, women will treat you like a bitch. And that’s what happened. You acted like a bitch. You acted like her emotional tampon. You kept interacting with her when she knew you wanted sex and romance, but you didn’t have the balls to walk away. Because, again, the strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it. You don’t continue to reward somebody with your time and your attention when they’re not interested in the same things you want.

I was always the exception, and I don’t understand why, she told me upfront that she has no romantic interest in me.

Well, that’s why you should have stopped interacting with her in a platonic way. And if she wouldn’t stop and she wouldn’t agree to meet out, then eventually you just stopped replying to her messages, maybe even block her if necessary, and let her come up to you all frustrated at work and go, “Why have you blocked me? Why don’t you respond to my messages.”

Like, “Look, I told you, I’m not going to be your emotional tampon or your gay male girlfriend. It’s I’m not interested in that. I’m interested in romance. And you didn’t take the hint. You didn’t respect what I had to say, so it’s like I’m over it. The only way I want to hear from you is if you’re interested in going on a date. Otherwise, you know, let’s keep it professional. And if you got something that’s work related, we can talk about it at work. But outside of work, I don’t want to hear from you anymore.”

Anyway, I did everything wrong in the book, that was before I discovered your work. I got bitchy and all of that.

So he got butthurt. He got perturbed. He got upset.

Because of her constant push and pull behavior. One day she would almost kiss me the other day she would ignore me like an intern on his first day at work.

One day I finally became aware of my needy and bitchy behavior and apologized to her, I never got any answer or reaction.

Yeah, she was teasing you because you couldn’t handle it. She enjoyed trolling you, and she enjoyed seeing you get upset. That’s what women do. They test your weakness. Because the idea is they test your weakness. You’re supposed to overcome it, not continue to display weakness for a whole year.

That’s why she’s bitchy towards you. Because she doesn’t respect you as a man. Because she knew her behavior was out of line. But the fact you didn’t have the balls to stand up to her. That’s why she kept doing it. She kept hoping you would stand up to her and tell her no. And you would stop interacting with her in a platonic way. But you never did.

I distant myself, went to therapy and focused on myself, health, friends, career (I am a classical trained musician and work part times in the office) etc. But she would be always on my mind.

You were in love with the fantasy of who you thought she was or wanted her to be. So you projected your fantasy onto her, and you ignored the reality that you had a bad case of blue balls and were stuck in friend zone. But no one will ever do or say anything to you that you don’t invite them to do. And you kept entertaining her, so you kept enabling her behavior because you wouldn’t say no and you wouldn’t stand up to her.

I always needed to know what she was up to.

So that tells me he’s probably doing a lot of the pursuing, as well and reaching out.

Then, a few weeks ago, I found out that she finally got a new boyfriend, after all these years being single. And here is the thing I don’t understand: he is a girl with a penis. My mom actually knows him personally, he would cry all the time, isn’t very bright, has no education, no driving license and works in the kitchen of our office.

So he sounds like a project. And there are a lot of women that date guys that are projects. But the reason why she’s with him and not you is because he was man enough to stand up to her and what he wanted. He interacted with her in a romantic way. He didn’t become her emotional tampon.

He is constantly posting online how much he is in love, posting pink hearts, love songs, etc. otherwise he loves to post cute animal videos. My mom always thought he was gay.

So if you think he’s a bad boy, you’re wrong. He’s a total opposite. Yeah, but at least he had the balls to stand up for what he wanted. And she probably likes the attention because he’s proud of his romantic interest. He’s not afraid of it. Yeah, it looks like he’s drooling, but at the end of the day, he’s fucking her and you weren’t. That’s the difference.

You spent a whole year or more being stuck in friend zone and being available 24/7 and then reaching out to her and chasing her, whereas he probably was direct, decisive, got right to the point. They hung out. He made his move. He seduced her, and she let him have his way with her because at least he acted masculine, unlike you. That’s the truth. That’s the reality. He made her wet. You dried her up.

So if you think he is a bad boy, you’re wrong, he is the total opposite.

I talked to him just a few times occasionally and he is a very nice boy, but that’s it, he is a boy, a kid, completely immature.

Well, at least he acted like a man. And he’s the one fucking her. He’s the one beating up her pelvis. And you’re the one with blue balls and a fantasy.

But she is in love with him, and I just don’t know what the fuck is going on here. Now I am totally devastated, because I made the mistake to get deeply emotional attached to her, addicted. I stopped working at the office and called in sick until further notice. Of course, I got so attached because I saw her as my only option, because I never had a girlfriend. I am 35, I have no experience, and she gave me all the attention I was craving for.

But still, what is going on here?

Thanks in advance coach!

Bob

Well, the other thing is because I used to do this when I was younger, I grew up in a family where there were no “I love yous”. There’s no I’m proud of you. There was no affection. At Christmas time my grandfather would come over and shake my hand. Bring his presents in. He’d reach his hand out to shake my hand, I’m a little kid. So when you grow up in an environment like that where you get your ass kicked when you don’t do something that your parents expect you to do, or you basically get ignored and neglected or berated and verbally abused, you think there’s something wrong with you.

You desperately want love, but you don’t get it. And then when I started dating or trying to date and I got into my teenage years, I would develop an emotional crush, usually on girls that were unavailable because I would want love from them and I would not be able to get it. It felt totally normal because that’s the family I grew up in. And so that’s what happens. And if deep down you don’t think you’re worthy of love, then you’ll stay involved with somebody like this instead of walking away, that’s where you went wrong.

Her boyfriend wanted her, went after her, made a date and hooked up with her. He hung out. He had fun. He hooked up. He seduced her. He didn’t do what you did. He didn’t act like an emotional tampon who was too afraid to make a move. He asked her out. She said yes. They went out. You on the other hand, kept asking her out. Kept accepting friend zones. She would never meet you. She made it clear she had no romantic interest. And yet you kept trying. That’s the difference. He stood up for what he wanted.

He acted masculine and you didn’t. It’s pretty simple. It sucks, but this is the kind of thing that, everybody’s got a point in life, whether it’s being overweight or working a shitty job or being in a bad relationship, or in this case, tired of being 35, having no experience, no girlfriend, no game. And eventually you’re just like, “I’m sick of this. My life is going by. It’s like, if I keep doing what I’ve always done, I’m going to continue to get what I’ve always got.”

And then maybe now that’s you’re open to reading my Book and learning it, reading it 10 to 15 times and applying what’s in there, and interact with women in romantic ways. And you don’t stick around when they friend zone you or try to interact with you in a platonic way. The phone is for setting dates. If you’d have just followed that principle alone, you would have never gotten yourself into this situation. But obviously you didn’t know any better.

And the good news is what happened, happened and it couldn’t have happened any other way. The pain that you experience from yet another rejection is like, I got to this point when I was in my early 20s where I was like, this is it. I’m not doing this shit anymore. It’s a complete waste of time. I and wasted a year and a half. You’re either in or you’re out. You either want to go out on a date or you don’t. And if you don’t, you don’t waste any time.

You don’t give them any attention. You don’t keep calling her. You don’t keep being there for her and texting with her all day and night while she goes and gets her pelvis beat up by Chad Thunder Cock, or the dude with no driver’s license who works in the kitchen, who you think is a loser. But at least he was man enough to go for what he wanted and she acquiesced. But at the end of the day, if you look at what she told you, she told you she’s a mess.

So quite frankly, you really shouldn’t want to date somebody like that anyway. You’ve been going to therapy, you’re working on yourself. So you need practice. You need reps. You need to apply the things that are in The Book. You need to talk to other women. You need to interact with other women. And when a girl is not interested, tell her, “If she changes her mind to get in touch.” Then you move on with your life. You don’t ever waste another second trying to convince a girl over many months and years to change her mind to date you and sleep with you.

Because it’s attractive to a woman when you’re willing to walk away and never look back if they stuck you in friend zone. But when you don’t have the guts or the courage to stand up for yourself and what you want, you’re not brave enough to be a man, and women are not going to feel safe with you. They’re not going to feel safe opening up their legs. And so this other guy that works in the kitchen was more masculine.

And that’s why, despite the fact that he’s a loser, doesn’t have a driver’s license, he at least acts masculine enough when he’s with her that she feels safe having sex with him. And that’s why they’re sleeping together. And she loves him, and he loves her. Just because he’s talking about how much he loves and cares about his girlfriend doesn’t mean that he’s a bitch. He’s not afraid of his interest. He’s not ashamed of it. He shares it. He shares it publicly. She shares hers and him. It’s cute. They love each other.

And the bottom line is he’s fucking her and you’re not. He acted like a man. You didn’t take your medicine, lick your wounds, and resolve to never, ever do anything like this again because it’s a tremendous waste of your time. I mean, you’re 35 at this point, so it’s time to start interacting with and dating women who want to actually hang out with you and date you. Have the balls to say no and keep searching and keep interacting with women. Keep prospecting until you find somebody who is single and ready to mingle, and who actually likes you, and will go out on a date with you, and then apply the stuff that’s in The Book.

Because you still got time, even though you’re 35. I mean, I got guys in their 60s and 70s that are coming to me after being with the same person their whole lives, and they’re a widower. And the last time they dated, they were like 16, 17. They don’t have any game. They don’t know how dating works. They never really had a date. They dated and married their high school sweetheart when they were a kid.

And now they’re in their 60s and 70s and single again. They’re not dead yet, and they want to live their life. So they’re getting back after it and getting out there and dating younger and hotter women and having a great time. You could do the same thing too, but you got to participate in your own rescue and stop acting the way you’ve always acted in the past, because it doesn’t work. Again, I found out in my early 20s.

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