Why You Never Say To Women, “We Need To Talk”

Why it’s a bad idea to tell a woman you are dating and trying to attract, “we need to talk.”

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has made some mistakes texting and FaceTiming a woman he’s been seeing for about 3 months now. She told him he was her boyfriend now and then hung up. They started playing phone tag and he started being a little too aloof and said that he wanted to talk in person. She was evasive and noncommittal in her response. Now he hasn’t heard from her in a week. He asks my opinion on what it all means and what he should do now. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my video coaching newsletter. And the topic of today’s newsletter is going to be, Why You Never Say To Women, “We Need To Talk.”

It’s a bad idea. When you say, “We need to talk.” Guys do it all the time and they don’t really think about it. When a woman says that to a guy, that’s usually, “We need to talk.” And the reason why they need to talk is because it’s bad. And it’s usually involving them breaking up with you. And so, when you say that to a woman, “We need to talk.” Or “We need to meet face to face.” That’s like, “Oh, we got to have this serious, unpleasant conversation and I may break up with you.”

And if you got a woman that is not completely bonded to you, like in this case, this particular guy, he says he’d been seeing this girl and there’s a lot of FaceTiming going on, and a lot of texting and messaging. And there doesn’t appear to be a lot of getting together in person. And so, one of the things that I see this guy violating is that the phones for setting dates. And so, they’re spending a lot of time, in essence, kind of acting like teenagers, FaceTiming each other and joking and hanging up.

And FaceTiming, saying something and hanging up. And then the other one will call back later, and say something funny or whatever, and then hang up. And it’s like, especially when you don’t know a girl too well and you’re trying to be funny through text or messaging, oftentimes things get misconstrued. That’s why it’s better to keep things simple. Use the phone for setting dates. And if you have something to talk about, you talk about it in person.

Don’t ever go, “We need to talk.” Or “Hey, there’s something I got to talk to you about.” That always sounds like there’s something bad. And so, in this case, maybe the girl’s a little bit of an avoidant type of personality. And so, after he brought that up, she’s been kind of aloof and evasive. And now they haven’t spoken in a week. He’s like, “Oh shit, what do I do now?”

So, it could be he spooked her to the point where she’s thinking, he’s going to break it off. And so, she just pushing him away because she doesn’t want to get things broken off with, or she’s just avoiding it. So there’s a myriad of mistakes here and unattractive things he’s been doing that he really needs to clean up. But he’s going, “Ah, shit, what do I do now?”

Viewer’s Email:

Hey Coach,

Hope you’re well, I’ve been dating and seeing this girl for about 3 months now and recently on a FaceTime she joked around with a voice changer saying “I’m gonna kidnap your girlfriend.” LMAO! She told me she was gonna call me with it. 

I said, “I don’t have a girlfriend” and after a little more laughing I hung up. She FaceTimed back saying, “No, no it was just a joke.” And said, “I’m not your girlfriend Bob?”

I said, “What do you mean?” She said, “I’m not your girlfriend Bob?” I replied, “We never talked about that yet.” She ended the FaceTime when she was going to hang out with her friends saying, “All right. We’ll you’re my boyfriend now Bob” and hung up.

So, she’s basically telling him she wants him to be her boyfriend. So again, you can tell he’s having these silly conversations. It sounds like there are a couple teenagers, or maybe they’re, you know, college students or whatever. So, that’s a lot of immature interaction that’s happening over FaceTime, that should be happening in person.

Because again, he’s three months down the road. And if he had been following what The Book teaches, she should have already been in love with him, and this conversation should have happened a month ago. So, it’s already a month late. And like I said, I can just tell from all this silly exchange here that he had going with her, that he’s just spending way too much time texting and talking to her. Instead of just making dates and getting together.

The next day went by and no communication. Then two days after that she FaceTimed me and I answered. We talked for a few minutes, showing me her outfit looking cute, etc. She then said her dad was calling and we got off the phone.

Phones are for setting dates. So, he’s having all his bullshit communication and talking, but not getting around to setting a date.

I FaceTimed her an hour and a half later and she answered, and I said, “Hey I wanna talk” and she said “About?” I said, “Nah, like in person.”

She said “Okay.” And I said, “So when are you free to meet up?”

You can’t say that kind of shit to a girl. That’s like, “We’re gonna have a serious conversation.” Because what did she do? She’s saying, “Hey, you’re the boyfriend. And now you’re like, “Hey, we gotta meet up and have a serious conversation.” What does The Book say? Love is playful and fun. It’s not serious. The phone is for setting dates, and you’re violating those principles.

She replied, “She’s not sure.”

See this is part of the problem. You should not be three months into seeing a girl and then ask her to get together, and she’s not sure about seeing you. That tells me that her interest ain’t that high.

And I said, “All right, when you know call me.” And left it at that.

Okay. So another thing that’s in The Book is when you’re trying to set a date and she’s like, “I don’t know what my schedule is like. And you go, “All right, we’ll figure it out and get back to me.” And then when she does reach out, no matter what she says, assume she’s calling because she’s got her schedule figured out. You’re supposed to be the appointment setter. And so, notice what happens here.

She FaceTimed me the next day, but I didn’t answer because I was at work. And then I texted her later that night saying, “Hey, sorry I missed your call. I was at work, but I’m home now. What’s up?”

Dude! You’re trying to set a date. You said, “Hey, get in touch when you figure out your schedule.” So, if she’s FaceTiming you, I would have typically FaceTimed her back at that point, and I would have said, “Hey, so what’s your schedule like?”

“I want to see you.” But he didn’t do that. He’s just like, “What’s up?” And so, instead of being direct and decisive in making the date, now he’s being vague and acting like a chick.

She hasn’t responded for a week. She’s called me religiously every two to three days for the past month. I’ve only ever initiated contact once to ask her out and she said yes. Other than that, she has always been the one to call and FaceTime me. 

Well, obviously, if this was a girl, you’re seeing for three months and you’re like, “Hey, what’s up?” And she didn’t even answer you. She left you hanging. Well, dating is like tennis. And it just goes to show that she really wasn’t that into you, dude.

This however was the first time she’s ever called me two days in a row, and I feel like she’s upset not only that I didn’t answer, but that I was a little unclear when she told me I’m her boyfriend. She hasn’t responded to my text message. Should I call her on Monday like the once a week rule?

Well, number one, it’s rude for her to reach out. But number two is like, you’re three months into this, and you haven’t heard from her in a week. So, I just pointed out a bunch of little ways you’ve been violating the principles in The Book, and her attraction is not where it should be at this point in your interactions with her. And that’s on you for not following The Book.

You’ve been really sloppy. And so, that gets in the way of her falling in love and being emotionally bonded to you. So she’s talking about potentially, “Oh, you’re my boyfriend now.” And now you’re like, “Hey, we got to have this serious conversation.” I would just let her be.

Or do I just wait to hear from her since I already hit the ball over the net?

And now I should wait for her to hit it back?

Well, she hasn’t responded and it’s up to her to respond.

She’s gone 8 days without contacting me before but then we met up and she apologized for being a dick and that she just needed to figure things out, then left five hickies on my neck. 

So, remember, women are like cats. And I would say definitely when you’re like, “Hey, we need to talk.” You spooked her. And on top of that, you spooked a girl that didn’t have super high interest. And if she’s an avoidant type of personality, which you guys can all read about. Then what’s going to typically happen is she’s going to stay away longer than a normal woman.

So, you got a little bit of that going on it looks like. So that would make sense why the fact that, you know, even after three months now all of a sudden you haven’t heard anything. Number one, that tells me their interest ain’t that high. So, you’ve probably been way overrating her interest in you. And number two, you’ve been violating a lot of the principles, especially with all this FaceTiming and hanging up on each other and being silly.

And basically, acting like a teenager that has no experience. It’s like you got to act like an adult, dude. You got to be a man. You’re the guy that makes the appointments, and you got really sloppy. And it looks like you’ve been sloppy, and that’s why you’re three months down the road and you haven’t heard from her in a week. Because you’re not following The Book.

Appreciate you Coach.

Thanks for your time. You and your book have changed my life for the better.

I really like this girl too, and I just want to know what the right move is. 

Bob

Well, you got to wait for her to reach out to you. And like you said, she’s done this in the past, but this is indicative of low interest and you not being direct and decisive, and wasting too much time FaceTiming each other. It’s fine to FaceTime one another, but you should be arranging get togethers in person with that. Instead of just kind of using it to message each other back and forth.

Again, these principles are in The Book for a reason, and so you’re violating them. And you’ve basically been dating a girl for three months, and she’s totally okay with not talking to you for a whole week now. So that’s not good, dude. You need to clean your game up because it’s really sloppy. This is how you lose really good girls, just being really sloppy like this. It’s a bad way to go, my man. Get your shit together.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.