Why You Should Back Off If She Won’t Make Dates

Why you should back off & wait to hear from women who won’t make dates.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 36-year-old viewer who was dating a 25-year-old woman. They were dating for about four months. He clearly spent too much time talking and texting on the phone. He also was pursuing and contacting her too much to set dates and he ignored the fact she kept saying she was busy and couldn’t see him.

He kept asking her out until she broke it off with him. He thinks he knows where he went wrong and asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email, this guy is 36 and he was dating a 25-year-old woman. They were dating for about four months. I’ve been through his email and he was definitely spending too much time talking and texting on the phone, he was pursuing and contacting her too much to set dates. Where he went wrong is that he was calling and texting too much and trying to see her a bunch, because he knew he was going to be out of town for a few weeks, so he started trying to impose unreasonable timelines on this girl.

As the late, great Thich Nhat Hanh said, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” So what happened was she stopped feeling free. He was smothering her a little bit and trying to set too many dates, and he ignored the fact that she wouldn’t set dates. So if you call a woman or you contact her, or she contacts you and then you try to set a date and all she wants to do is tell you how busy and crazy her schedule is and how she can’t find time for you, but she would like to chit chat, talk and catch up, then just say, “Well, I’m about to step in a meeting,” or “I can’t talk right now, but I’d love to see you. Why don’t you check your schedule and get back to me?” And then get off the phone. He did not do that. What happened was the power is now flipped, and it’s clear he communicated to her that he’s more into her than she is into him. That’s not doing them any favors. So he’s like, “What the hell do I do?”

So this is a really good email because this is part of the ebb and flow, because women are like cats. You spend a lot of time together, like in this case, they’re dating for four months, and you smother a woman and then she’s going to naturally back off. It’s just like trying to grab a cat that no longer wants to sit in your lap and pet it when it doesn’t want to be petted anymore. It’s going to freak out and run away and that’s basically what he’s done here. So when the cat runs away, what do you do? You have to have enough self control to just back off and stop moving forward.

Viewer’s Email:

What’s up, Coach!

Wanted to write in because I’m about 90% sure where I went wrong with this girl I was dating but still slightly caught off guard.

It’s because your emotions are engaged and your emotions are overriding your logic and what you know you should be doing, according to the book.

I’m 36, she’s 25.  We were dating for about four months, things are going great. Staying at each other’s places, she’s cooking for me, doing nice things for me, sex was great and kept getting better. We even went to Florida for my birthday where she went all out taking me to dinner, sex, etc. We flew home on 05/06 which is very recent, as you can tell.  

This email is, I don’t know, three or four weeks old? The other thing to keep in mind, you’ve been seeing somebody for four months and she hasn’t asked you to be exclusive yet. That means that your game has been sloppy, because if you were following what’s in the book and she’s normal and healthy, not a fruit loop, she should have been in love with you by week six or seven and been trying to lock you down to a commitment, and that didn’t happen. So you’re four months down the road and now she’s pushing you away. At some point, the power flipped. She realized that you were more into her than she was into you, she backed off, you started to pursue more, her interest dropped, her attraction dropped, and now she’s pushed him away and he’s like, “What the hell?” So he’s still been pursuing too much and he doesn’t realize it.

We hooked up once we get home, then I leave because I have things to do. Throughout the week we have small talk and talk on the phone.

The phone is for setting dates, bro. Especially if you’ve been dating somebody for four fucking months and you’re spending more time on the phone than you are in person, that’s a bad way to go. As you date and the girl falls in love with you by week six or seven, she’s going to be calling and texting you multiple times a day, but somewhere along the way, you communicated that you’re more into her than she’s into you, and she backed off, her interest was less and you didn’t notice that. Or maybe you noticed it, but you ignored it.

So what happened was all of your actions were driven from trying to get her to like you, trying to seek her attention and validation. When you do that and you get in that mindset of, “How do I get this girl to like me?” You’re no longer acting masculine. You’re acting like a girl, so that ruins the sexual polarity. That delays her falling head over heels in love with you and bonding emotionally to where she wants to be in a relationship. So it never happened. He’s four months down the road, he’s not exclusive with her, she never brought it up because she never got there emotionally. That’s another thing that he completely ignored that should be obvious. So he should have backed off, but he didn’t. He kept pursuing and now she won’t make time for him. Plus, on top of that, he’s spending more time talking on the phone and not enough in person.

Then she even goes as far to saying how horny I make her and sends me a few pics, but I also ask her to hang out few times knowing that I’m going to be busy in a week or so.

If you’re four months down the road and she’s sending you pics and telling you how horny she is, just say, “Come over.” That’s it. “Come over tonight.” You don’t have to have an official date. It’s the ebb and flow of she’s reaching out and sending you pics and, “Oh, I’m so horny. I want your sexy body. Get your cute ass over here. Come over after work. Come over when you get home.” Just tell her to come over. If you’re like, “I must take her on an official date many days in advance. I must pick her up. I must open car door.” Those things are all nice and they have their place, but you guys are already having sex, you’re four months in.

The idea is that by letting women do 100% of the pursuing, all you have to do is make dates. What’s happening is you’re spending too much time talking and texting and not enough time in person, and you’re probably being a little anal retentive with the date thing. As you said, you just hooked up after you got home. Then if she texts you a few days later, sending you naked selfies and stuff and saying, “I’m so horny,” it’s like, “Get your ass over here. Be at my house at 7:00 tonight.” Whatever, just tell her to come over. Especially if she’s texting you at 9:00 or 10:00 at night saying, “I’m so horny.” Just say, “Come over. Get your cute little ass over here. I’m going to jump in the shower. I got to go, bye,” and hang up on her. If she calls you and she’s like, “Oh, I’m so horny,” he’s like, “Well, I’m going to hop in the shower, get all cleaned up, so just come over.” Oh, but I’m not going to do this.” “Just come over. Get your ass over. I’m hanging up, bye. I’ll see you in five minutes, bye. I’ll see you in 20 minutes. Got to go, bye. I’ll see you in 20 minutes. I’m going to take a shower, bye,” and just hang up on her. She’ll come over, but he doesn’t do that.

She declines saying she needs to get back to her routine.

So you spent too much time together. The kitty cat’s a little bored and it’s kind of taking you for granted. So I don’t know if he was the one reaching out here. Probably was. He probably started to pursue, didn’t realize it.

So right here I should have stopped asking, but like I said, I knew I would be super busy soon.

It wasn’t just this one time, dude. This has been going on. You’re seeing things, you’re seeing signs of low attraction and you’re ignoring it and proceeding to pursue anyways.

Saturday night comes along and she’s bantering back and forth about it being girls night but wants me to come. I don’t make it. A few days later, she hits me with this text: “Sorry, I have been in meetings all day. Bob, I truly liked hanging out with you, but I feel like we are at really different points in our lives. I don’t want to drag something out that isn’t going to end in a serious relationship. You are great, driven, thoughtful and I truly do enjoy you as a person. So it hurts to do this and I am sorry.”

She’s so sorry…

So I responded with, “Why don’t you call me instead of a text? But if not and that’s how you feel, that’s fine.” She called later and blamed it on the age, being too much, etc.

Blahh! It’s not the age. You turned her off. You over-pursued to the point where she lost interest, attraction and respect. Then when you noticed her low interest, you kept pursuing anyway. Then her interest was so low on an attraction scale, it was a five, you were barely hanging on by your fingernails. Now she’s said, “Well, it’s been great, but I can’t do it anymore.”

So obviously I pressured her too much after vacation to hang out even though that was the first time I’ve done that.

It wasn’t just a vacation, dude. You were four months down the road. You took her out for your birthday to celebrate. It was nice that she went and everything, but you weren’t boyfriend/girlfriend. You shouldn’t be doing things for your birthday like that with somebody that you’re not boyfriend/girlfriend with. So that tells me your mindset was, “Oh, this is my girlfriend,” but in her mind, you were just kind of casually fucking. That’s it. You were just casually hooking up. So you ignored all kinds of signs and you definitely communicated you were more into her. You were treating her like a girlfriend, and she was just treating you like a fuck buddy, and you didn’t notice because you projected your fantasy onto her and ignored the fact that she wasn’t feeling it.

Either, way I chased her away. We talked in person and told her I did care about her and she if ever changed her mind, to get a hold of me.

Not sure if I’ll ever hear from her again, but that’s OK. Besides, asking her to hang out too many times, what else am I possibly missing?

Bob

Well, you got to read the book 10 to 15 times, because if you’re four months down the road dating a girl and you’re taking her on a trip to Florida for your birthday, it’s like you’re treating her like a girlfriend, and you completely ignored and disregarded the fact that you were just kind of like a fuck buddy to her. Then on top of that, you’re trying to set dates and you didn’t even realize she’s not that into it. Women don’t dump men that they’re in love with. They dump men they’ve lost respect and attraction for. You’re treating her like a girlfriend, and she’s treating you like she doesn’t want to be around you, and you didn’t even notice it when it went right over your head. It’s a bad way to go. So that tells me you probably haven’t spent the time studying the book and learning the fundamentals. On top of that, you also probably saw a lot of the signs her interest was low, but you ignored it because you were married to your fantasy that you were projecting, and you were completely oblivious to and ignoring the fact that she was not in the same place. That’s why she even told you, I’m going to read it again, “But I feel like we are at really different points in our lives.” The reason she says that, it really means, “You’re way more into me than I’m into you. You’re way more serious about me than I am you, and I’m just not feeling it on the same level. So I’m out.”

Women like you more if they think that they’re more into you than you are into them. Clearly, I have confirmation from this girl in your email that you are way more into her than she was into you. You were treating her like a girlfriend and you were just a guy she was fucking on the side. That was it. You didn’t even notice. You didn’t know what to look for, so all of your interactions with this woman in person, there were obvious signs that she’s giving off that you’re just not picking up on. Usually it’s because you didn’t spend the time reading the book 10 to 15 times, so you don’t even know what to look for. You didn’t even notice. You think it’s just you called her a few too many times. Like bro, you were four months down the road and you weren’t boyfriend/girlfriend, yet you’re taking her with you for your birthday celebration. Only the people closest to you, girlfriends and wives should be coming along for things like that. The fact that you’re trying to set dates and you keep pursuing, you’re just not getting the message.

Unfortunately, this is how most guys operate. It’s not until they get completely rejected like this guy did that he goes, “Maybe I was over pursuing.” It’s like, you were doing it the whole time and you just didn’t notice. I’m sure you did better than previous times in the past, but you’re still pursuing too much. You’re still calling and texting too much. Your game is really fucking sloppy. You’re violating many principles that are in the book, and you don’t know what to look for. The fact that this happened and you’re scratching your head after four months of dating, you’re going, “This girl blew me off.” She should have been your girlfriend if you knew the book backwards and forwards, but you’re probably a cherry picker and you didn’t follow instructions. It’s like, all I can do is suggest, but you got to participate in your own rescue.

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