Why You Should Never Move Out When You’ve Been Dumped

Why you should never move out of your house when you’ve been dumped.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has been dating his baby mama on and off for about 10 years. He says he’s been following my work for many years, but not really applying it unless he’s having problems. He got complacent and stopped dating and courting her. She dumped him and he moved out to his mother’s.

He pays 90% of the bills and wants to stay together. He hasn’t spoken to her in three weeks and asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Well, this particular email is from a viewer who has been kind of off and on with his baby mama for the better part of the last 10 years. He also says he’s been following my work for many years, but it seems like he only goes back to it when he starts having problems.

So in the last year or so, he got lazy, he got complacent, stopped dating and courting her. They started arguing and she broke it off, so he stupidly moves out back to his mother’s place. Then he goes on a trip for a couple of weeks. She’s blowing up his phone, “I miss you. Let’s work it out.” So when he gets back a couple weeks later from his trip, there’s boxes everywhere and she says she’s moving out, it’s totally done. Instead of staying in his house, which he says he knows better than to do, he moved back to his mother’s again and went into no-contact. Now he hasn’t heard from her in three weeks.

So if you’re a man, a man doesn’t leave his castle, especially when you’re paying 90% of the bills like this guy is. Especially if you want to keep your family together, because if you say you want to keep your family together and then you move out, you go to family or friends or whatever, well your actions show that you’re not really staying put this way by if you continue living in your house, because what he should have done when he got back was he should have stayed there. If she says she’s moving out, well she gets to explain to the kids why she’s breaking the family up and why she’s leaving or why she’s moving out, but when the guy moves out, she can just say, “Hey, it’s all your dad’s fault. He doesn’t want to be a part of our family anymore,” which a lot of women will do. Then the kids, for a while, at least if they’re really young, will believe the woman.

This is a good email. If you’re in a situation like that where you’re living with your wife, your girlfriend, your baby mama or whatever, it’s your house and you’re paying most of the bills, you don’t move out. That’s the total beta male move.

Viewer Email:

Dear Coach,

Almost 10 years ago, I met a girl on Facebook who I wasn’t super into 3-4 months after my previous breakup. At the beginning, because I was dating other girls, she pursued the hell out of me to the point of pressuring me to finally meet and then constantly reaching out even when I wasn’t responding or busy. Fast forward, she made things so easy for me, eventually I started falling in love with her. She asked me for the relationship and I gave it to her.

She has two kids from a previous marriage and over the next nine years we would breakup and makeup occasionally. Whether it was initiated by her or I (We alternated), we would always find our way back to together. We grew up and matured together and eventually I bought a house. I raised these kids like my own and things went well for the last stretch for a couple of years with no breakups.

I eventually made the classic mistakes. I stopped dating and courting her. This current winter was rough, we started having sex less, stopped going out and our schedules (I work later she works earlier) really started becoming a bigger issue. I got a raise and with the raise came more work and less time together.

So in the chapter of the book, The Courtship Never Ends, if you don’t date and court your wife or your girlfriend, eventually some other guy will.

This Valentine’s Day, I noticed her pulling away finally. We exchanged gifts and got into an argument.

Well, men who understand women don’t argue with them.

She told me the previous week she had went and looked at apartments and no longer wanted to be together. I disagreed, told her she broke my trust and gave her the breakup. My big mistake was then leaving the house I own and going to stay with my mother.

So he owns the house altogether. Total beta male move. He ran back to his mommy. Bad way to go, my man. You should know better. You’ve been following me for a while.

My birthday was the week after Valentine’s Day and I felt so betrayed I just wanted away from her. She contacted me after a week of no-contact and begged for me back, love bombing me with pictures of us, nudes and saying she didn’t want to lose me. Contacting me through text, phone and emails. Waking up to 20 missed calls. I was out of state at the time on a trip for my birthday and we picked up right where we left off over the phone (Not in person).

I let her initiate every conversation and after seven days of everything seeming to go in the right direction, I then received three days of silence. I finally came back to our home after the 10 days out of state and walked in saying, “Hey baby, I’m home” and saw boxes and boxes of things packed and her telling me things truly are over and she is moving out. I told her I disagreed and left back to my mother’s.

Well, you say you disagree, but your actions showed you were fine with this and you left. Total beta male move on your part. Again, this is your house and you’re leaving your castle. That’s just stupid.

It’s since been three weeks of no-contact and from all intel I’ve gathered, she still seems to be living in my house with the kids. Where THE HELL do I go from here?

Well, it’s your house. You should go live in your house. If she wants to move out and break the family up, well she can explain to everybody why she’s leaving. I mean, she already had all her stuff packed, and then you left and basically gave her the house which again, that’s just mind boggling. Mind bogglingly dumb.

I want her back but her living at my house I pay 90% of the bills while in no-contact probably isn’t causing her much fear of loss as she still has the stable home life I created for her.

Well, that’s on you. That’s your best thinking, but it’s definitely the opposite of what I teach in these situations.

A little about her: She became more and more beautiful over the years and lost her little bit of extra weight. We are both heavily tattooed and she even more so than me. She has a basic job where she doesn’t make much, doesn’t make good financial decisions and I was pretty much her father during our whole relationship. Fixing any issue she had, being her rock and allowing her to always come and go as she pleased which made her never leave until now.

Well again, you can’t stop dating and courting your girl. You can’t use the excuse, “Oh, it’s a rough winter.” You just can’t do that. If you want her to stay happy and in love, you got to continually date her. When you just neglect her and start treating her like a roommate and then you just want to have sex to get a release, you got six to 12 months of doing that before the average woman’s going to dip.

I’m sick of the games. She has a habit of stonewalling and a lot narcissistic tendencies.

Well, you spent 10 years with this girl, so it’s not like you don’t know what she’s like.

She never takes responsibility for anything but she was a wonderful home “wife.” Cooked, cleaned, etc. I’m lost and my thoughts are everywhere (As you can see).

Hope this will make a video. I’ve been following you for probably the life of this relationship and read the book probably 10 times total (I know, I know).

Well, you’ve been following me for basically 10 years, and you think it’s a good idea to move out of your house that you’re paying for, that you own? Again, I can understand that you want a few days to collect your thoughts and stay at your mom’s house, but that’s a total beta male move, especially if you want to stay together.

Should I kick her out of the house and/or go home?

You should go home. It’s your castle, dude.

I originally blocked her on all social media and she still is, but my friends said she continues to post about how great everything is for her.

Well, don’t believe everything you put on social media or that you see on social media. All those people that are talking about how great their lives are and how amazing their relationship is, usually it’s a load of bullshit. It’s the image that they want the world to buy. If somebody is really, truly in a happy relationship, you’re not going to see really any evidence. You may see an occasional picture here or there, but most normal, healthy people that are happy, they’re not posting shit all over social media and bragging to the world how great their life and their relationship is, because the people that are doing that are trying to make up for something.

Again, if she’s telling everybody on social media how great her life is, she’s just coping.

Her new expensive hair, her new nails, her new tattoos and posting relationship memes about how great she is and how shitty of a partner I was.

She’s living in your house that you’re paying for, by the way.

Not directly, but memes relating to things like that. What the fuck do I do?

You go home. That’s what you do. You go home to your castle. Whether your fair maiden stays or not, I mean you got all the leverage. You make all the money. It’s your house. She’s a guest there. She doesn’t have any ownership claim on it. She could stay or she can go. You’ve been a father, a surrogate father to her kids, which is a very noble thing to do, but it was a total fucking beta male move on your part to move out. That’s just pretty pathetic, especially when you’ve been following me for a decade.

No-contact worked after the first week, but since I was out of state I couldn’t see her to hang out and have fun.

Well, no-contact is not a technique or a strategy. You walked away from the negotiating table because you want sex and romance, and she wants friendship or to be broken up, but you’re using it as a tool, probably because you haven’t been a very good student. Again, it’s like when you get in trouble or there’s a problem that you go back to the book.

Finally get back and she shits on me and says the breakup is back on. Three weeks no-contact since and haven’t heard a peep.

Bob

Well, like I said, the simple thing to do is to go home. If she stays, she goes. You tell her, “I don’t want to break up, but if you want to leave, you can pack your stuff and you can explain to the kids why you’re breaking the family up and I’ll live here in my house while you go and try to struggle as a single mom with two kids. So good luck with that. I love you, I want to work things out, but if you don’t want to make the effort, I’m not going to force you. That’s all.”

I mean, it’s such a simple thing to fix, but the fact that you moved out and you’ve been gone for a month now, It makes it look like to her and to the kids that you’re the one that left. So bad way to go. Terrible thing to do from a leverage perspective.

Again, you own the house. This is your castle, and you’re leaving like a little dog with his tail between his legs. So you need to man the fuck up, go home, see what you can do, and if she leaves, she leaves. If she leaves and moves out, it’s like, “Hey, call me if you change your mind,” and then you’re a free agent. Be a good thing to get back into the book and start meeting and dating other women. She may or may not come back. She probably will come back. It’s like, what’s she going to do? Again, this is such a simple, easy thing to fix.

You got to participate in your own rescue, dude. Life requires your participation. Nobody’s going to fix it or save it for you.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.