Why You Should Never Tell Her You Need Space

Why you should never tell your woman you need space.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has been following my work for 3 years. He sabotaged his relationship when he said he needed space after 6 months together and spending a lot of time with her. It created a slow spiral that led to the end of their relationship. He still wants her back. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, “Why You Should Never Tell Her You Need Space”.

So something you shouldn’t do when you’re in a relationship is start talking about needing space or hinting at a breakup or things of that nature, because it can lead to a downward spiral that basically ultimately ends in your relationship ending. So this email is from a guy who he’s been following my work for three years, he says. And he basically sabotaged his relationship.

Everything was good for about the first six months, and then after they spent a lot of time together, he was just like, “I need some space to recharge.” And just the way he worded things completely changed the vibe and how she felt about him. And it just led to the downward spiral. And now they’re in No Contact. And so he’s wondering if it’s going to be possible to get her back. So if you talk about the end of your relationship, there’s a good chance it will end.

So if you just need space with a girl, it’s like because as a man, when you get past the infatuation, the honeymoon period, there’s going to be times your girl’s going to be stuck to you like a sucker fish and you’re going to want to go do other things. You want to go see your friends, you’re going to want to see your family. You probably have hobbies, interests, maybe go to the gym or whatever. And the average guy just kind of gives in to those things.

And so what happens is the longer they’re in a relationship, we all know dudes like this. They gave up their friends, they stopped going to the gym. They gained a bunch of weight. They give up their hobbies trying to please the woman, and it still ends up with them being dumped because they lost themselves in the relationship. And so if your girl wants too much of your time and you got other things to do, just say, “babe, I can’t see you”, and you have to put her off in a few days in the future or whatever.

You don’t say, “I need space.” It’s just like when you say, “we need to talk to a woman.” If you say, “we need to talk”, then she’s going to think, “oh, shit. There’s a problem. He’s going to dump me.” Because that’s usually what women say to men when they want to dump them is, “we need to talk.” So don’t trigger your girl by doing things like this. It’s just you’re creating unnecessary problems. And there’s a better way to tactfully word these things.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach,

I’m a 26-year-old male from Athens, Greece, and I’ve been following your work for the past three years since my first serious breakup. I recently ended a nine-month relationship with a 25 year old female and I’m looking for your perspective on how I handled it and whether there’s anything I should consider pursuing. The relationship started very naturally, with mutual enthusiasm and spontaneity, and after about one and a half to two months, she asked for exclusivity, which felt like the right step at the time.

Well, she’s asking it, and if you’re following what’s in the book, that’s just normal and natural.

For the first six months, she was very affectionate, always wanting to spend time together, giving gifts, calling often, and surprising me. After periods where we’d spend a lot of time together two or three consecutive days. I communicated my personal need for space to recharge and miss her, making it clear that it didn’t mean I loved her any less.

Well, at the end of the day, women look at what you do. Unlike most of us guys, we go off of our feelings and our projected fantasy, and then we often ignore the actual actions. But when you’re telling a woman something like that, “oh, I need space to recharge and to miss you”, it almost kind of sounds manipulative. And then they start thinking, “oh, there’s got to be something wrong. Why doesn’t he want to spend time with me? As much as I want to spend time with him.” You just shouldn’t say things like that. It’s completely unnecessary.

And if she’s like, “oh, I want to see you.” It was like, “babe, we just spent three days together. I got caught up in this. Gotta get caught up in that. But we can get together Thursday or Friday night. You’ll have me and my undivided attention.” So don’t tell a girl you need space. Never, ever tell her, “Hey, we need to talk.” It’s just a bad. It’s like throwing a grenade in your relationship. It just creates problems that, you know, like in this guy’s case, just continue to spiral.

However, she seemed annoyed by this and took it personally.

Yeah, she took it as a personal rejection. He didn’t like her because, again, the way you phrased things.

This mismatch in emotional needs led to arguments where I felt unappreciated and she felt neglected.

Well, men who understand women don’t argue with them. They communicate. You should not be trying to argue and win your perspective or your point of view, because even if you win, you lose. But at the end of the day, you made her feel like you didn’t give a shit about her. And so the way to apologize. Say, “you know what? As I thought about it, you know, the way I worded things you know, you probably took it like I didn’t want to be with you. And I’m sorry if what I did made you feel that way. It was just like I had things to get caught up. I probably should have phrased it differently, so. I’m sorry I hurt you. Sorry I made you feel like I didn’t give a shit about you. It was wrong. And I won’t ever say anything like that again.”

That’s how you should handle it. So he felt unappreciated and felt neglected. Started complaining about it. It’s like he needed some kind of validation from her. Because, you know, this is a common thing for us guys. We do a lot. We spend our money and we often feel that the women don’t appreciate it. But you really shouldn’t be seeking an attaboy from your girl. It’s just unnecessary.

Making it difficult for me to meet her expectations without compromising myself.

All that really was going on here was that it sounds like she was in love with you. And when a woman’s in love with you, she wants your attention all the fucking time. They want to be with you all the time. And you basically just said, “hey, get away from me. You’re annoying me. I don’t want to see you right now.” And then she’s going to take that as “he doesn’t like me. He doesn’t care about me. He doesn’t love me the same way I love him.” And then that’s going to cause her to start questioning. “Well, if he doesn’t love me as much as I love him, why are we together? And maybe it’s not going to work out.” Again, it’s just an unnecessary grenade you threw in your relationship.

Over time, I tried to be more emotionally available, but I noticed she gradually became less enthusiastic and less physically intimate. During a trip together, I confronted her about the distance, and she admitted she no longer felt I was “the one” and felt we were incompatible.

Well, why would you say that? What do you mean? Why do you feel like I’m no longer the one? What have I what’s changed? What have I done differently?

I stayed calm, validated her feelings, and agreed it was best to break up if she’s not feeling it.

Well, you should have taken that as constructive criticism because you took it and to notice that her interest is dropped, but instead you took it personally and you’re like, “all right, well, I’m out of here.” It’s a bad way to go. Shouldn’t have done that.

She said the trip was supposed to “fix her feelings”, but that didn’t happen. I told her “It doesn’t work like that. Relationships require communication and effort from both sides to work. If you don’t feel it right now it’s okay, but I cannot stay in this”.

Well, as I’ve said many times over the years, it takes time for a woman to fall in love, and it takes time for her to fall out of love. And if she’s fallen out of love, it’s going to take time with you taking corrective action to make her fall back in love with you. Instead, he got pissed off and butthurt that she didn’t feel the same way, assumed that it was over, and just dipped and blew it up. It was totally unnecessary. But you know, I don’t know that he asked really good quality questions, to understand where she was coming from, just basically what he says, because he’s like, “I validated her feelings.”

So it’s like, what does that mean? Doesn’t sound like you really understood her and where she was coming from. And you should again, it should have just been constructive criticism and feedback for you to understand that you’ve done and said things that lowered her interest in you. So you need to do more things that will raise her interest in you, but instead you just gave up and tapped out and took it personally.

Afterward, she continued seeking intimacy, which I politely declined while maintaining my boundaries, emphasizing the need for space.

It’s like, bro, what are you thinking? Because you got through that and she still wanted to continue hooking up. Your job is to create the opportunity for sex to happen. Just because her interest dropped because of your behavior, which is something that you started, doesn’t mean you just blow the relationship up and dip. That was that was a fuck up on your part. And declining your intimacy is like, why? What’s that supposed to accomplish?

All that does is make her feel like you don’t even desire her sexually anymore, and you don’t want to be with her. And then you tell her you need space. It’s like, what? Maybe you didn’t want to be with her anymore. Maybe that’s what was really going on. But that’s how you made her feel. And because you made her feel like you didn’t care and didn’t want to be with her anymore, you validated that, that’s where you were coming from.

I told her, “You know where I stand. In case you feel a shift feel free to reach out, I’d be open to discussing it. However, I won’t be waiting. Right now we need space to sort out our feelings.”

Yeah, you sound like a woman saying something like that. So that’s ruining the sexual polarity because you’re acting like a chick. You’re saying things a chick would say. So the idea is that if she gets bored of you, you let her be. She comes back like a cat. So she came back like a cat, and you’re like, “hey, get the fuck out!” And you rejected her. It’s like, again, that’s just stupid. It’s totally unnecessary. So it seems like he’s expecting her to go from, “I’m not sure you’re the one anymore.” To, “Oh, I’m head over heels in love. Let’s make babies.” Like, you know, she can just go sit at home by herself for a few days and go bing. “Oh, I really love this guy. Let’s live together forever.” It doesn’t work that way. It takes time for women to fall in love. She’s got to feel safe and comfortable.

She’s got to feel like you care. And all you did was continue to tell her, and act like you didn’t want to be with her. And she needed to fix her feelings. And if she couldn’t fix her feelings, you were out. Instead of acknowledging the fact that your behavior is what started all this. You basically started acting like a woman there at the end. Again, these are not things a man should be saying to a woman. It’s like, unless you’re in love with me and want to be with me forever, fuck off. You have to understand and take responsibility that your behavior turned her off and made her doubt your future. But she wasn’t ready to end it and dip out because she still wanted to fuck you. Actually, you pushing her away seemed to turn her on a little bit. But then you completely denied her.

Since then, we’ve had more than six weeks of complete No Contact, and I don’t plan to reach out. I would like your thoughts on whether I handled the situation well.

Definitely not.

If there was anything I could have done differently.

Oh yeah.

And whether there’s anything to pursue or if I should simply take the lessons and move on. I really liked her, but I feel like she lacks the maturity, commitment and communication skills to make this non-effortless relationship work long term. 

Best regards, 

Bob

Well, again, everything was great for six months until you started telling her you need space. You had a disagreement, you were arguing and then you told her you wanted even more space. She tried to fuck you. You told her you needed more space. I don’t understand what you were hoping to gain by putting her off, but your actions, if we bottom line your actions, they communicated you didn’t care anymore. And you didn’t want to be with her. And you were the one who ended it. You dipped because you took everything personally. So you were totally overly emotional. And so the breakup is your fault in this case. You know, you caused it. She was trying to be with you, and you’re like, “Yeah. Get lost.”

Unless there’s a lot of things that you’re leaving out. But if I look at her actions and your actions, it’s like your relationships seem to be going along pretty good until you started basically acting like a woman. Because the things you said, the things you did, you acted like a woman, even at the end, telling her that you need space. And unless she’s head over heels in love, you don’t want to get back together. It’s not how it works. Attraction is a process with a woman. It goes up and if it goes down, it will take time to go back up again. It’s not women are not light switches.

They’re not on and off like that, it doesn’t work that way. And even though you’ve been following me for three years, I don’t know how many times you’ve read the book, or if you were a serious student or you were a cherry picker, but, you know, guys get themselves into trouble when they just focus on the pickup and the dating and seduction skills, and they’re dismissive of all the relationship wisdom that’s in the back of my book. The average guy, you know, they’re lazy. Us guys, we want the shortcuts, the lazy man’s way to success and sex and romance. And that’s just not the way life works. There’s a process to attraction.

And you completely threw that out the window. And probably because you just didn’t know the book very well and weren’t a good student, you never really spent the time with the relationship wisdom that were in the book. And so when it came time to communicate, you didn’t do a very good job of communicating. And on top of that, at the end here, you’re saying it was all her fault, her bad communication. Whereas like, it just looks like you don’t understand women because again, you don’t understand the book well enough, because it looks like you just focused on dating and seduction.

And once you started getting late a bunch, you thought you’d made it, which a lot of guys do. And I tell you not to do that because you’re going to need the relationship wisdom to get through rough patches and to be able to communicate effectively. But you just did not do that because it doesn’t look like you understood it. Then on top of that, you’re saying it’s all her fault. So that’s a bummer, man. If I were you, you probably should reach out to her to talk and invite her over to make dinner and open her up and apologize for basically what you did, and the fact that you made her feel like you didn’t care about her.

And you kept reiterating that, you know, she wanted intimacy and you’re like, nope. Unless you’re head over heels in love with me, I’m not going to sleep with you anymore. It’s like, that’s just silly. You know, again, that’s not what I teach. It’s a process. It’s in the book, but it doesn’t look like you spent the time with it. You look like you were just cherry picking videos and not really taking this seriously. And it cost you your relationship. You know, Confucius said, “success depends upon prior preparation. Without set preparation, there is sure to be failure.”

And so that’s what I would do if I were you, man. It’s a bummer, but either way, you’re gonna learn from it so you don’t make the same mistakes. Because you got to understand how to communicate effectively. Because otherwise the next girl you get with things will be staying along good, and you’ll just fucking torpedo it in the same way. Definitely something to think about.

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