Why You Should Or Shouldn’t Stay In A Relationship

Some things to consider on whether you should or shouldn’t stay in a relationship.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who says my work has changed his life in many areas. He has a quality problem. He’s in a relationship with a total 10 for the past 9 months. She’s hot, smart, has a great career and the sex is amazing. However, he says he misses the hunt. He desires other women and is losing interest in his girlfriend. He asks my opinion if these urges will ever go away and what he should do. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my video coaching newsletter. And the topic of today’s newsletter is going to be, “Why You Should Or Shouldn’t Stay In A Relationship.”

Well, this particular email, this guy says my work is totally changed his life in many areas and he’s got a quality problem. He says he’s been in a relationship with a woman who’s a total ten for about the past nine months. He says she’s hot, very intelligent, has a great career, and the sex is amazing. However, he says he also misses the hunt. He notices other women checking him out. His confidence is through the roof and he has these urges to be with other women.

But things are great with his girl. And he’s like, “what do I do? How do I wrestle with this? How should I make my decision on whether or not I should stay, or become single again so I can get back out there and hunt?” So this is why it’s so important to understand what your goals and your values are. Because the honeymoon period is going to wear off. The infatuation and the la la land, and goo goo ga ga, and all that, it’s all going to pass.

And then the question becomes, “are you with a woman who’s good for you? Good to you? Good for your soul? Do you love giving to her? Do you love loving her? Do you love having her in your life? Do you want to continue to love and give to her?” And most importantly, if you’re going to stay together, “Do you see her as a mother of your children? Do you want to have children with her? Do you do you want her to raise your kids? Do you want her to be your teammate, your biggest cheerleader and fan? Does she communicate well?”

So it really depends upon your outcomes. Because no matter how many times you meet somebody new and you have love at first sight, or you have this great connection, then eventually at some point the infatuation is going to wear off and then it’s, what are you going to do day in and day out when you get up every day? You can choose to love her. You can choose to be lazy. You can choose to leave and go find somebody else. And so, it’s like you have to have emotion, compelling reasons why you do what you do.

If you have a sense of peace about yourself and you’re happy, you’re content, you’re ready to be a dad. You think you got a great girl and should be a great woman to raise a family with, then you should stay with her. If you have no intentions of having a family with her, and you don’t want her to be the mother of your children, then you shouldn’t stay with her. Especially if she’s thinking that you are going to be the father of her children.

So it’s important to not to waste a woman’s time, but also to recognize that the infatuation period and be in la la land, that’s just not going to last forever. It typically lasts 6 to 12 months. And then the question becomes, “do you like this person enough? Do you like your day in and day out living together or existing together?” Because a lot of being in a relationship with somebody is just learning to exist together.

To wake up, to sleep, to eat together, to spend time together, to have mutual friends, family, mixing of your families together, those kinds of things. “Do you want to stick around? Do you want to stay? Or would you rather just be a free agent and hang out and have fun and hook up and not have any attachments to anybody?”

So it really boils down to, “What is your goal? What is your outcome? What do you want in the relationship ultimately?” And that’s not something; I can’t make that decision for you. I can help you look at some criteria or consider some things, but at the end of the day, you got to put your big boy pants on and make up your own mind.

Viewer’s Email:

Hi Corey,

Your book and videos changed my life. I found your work when looking for dating advice but then realized that what you teach applies to everything – career, non-romantic relationships, sales. It’s changed my approach to everything, immeasurably for the better. Thank you.

You’re welcome. Thanks for being a good student.

As with so many guys that find your work, I did so at my lowest point in life, after messing things up with two beautiful women. Both of these women opened the door so many times, hoping I’d know how to walk through, and I face-planted every time. 

I now have a quality problem. I consumed your work, practiced, and got really good at dating. My conversion to bedroom Olympics was 100% – I went low volume / high quality instead of shotgun approach.

Hey, to each his own. My goal is to give you the tools and the ability to become self-reliant. So you get to the point where you just don’t need me anymore. If I’m teaching self-reliance, my goal is to get people to the point where they just simply don’t need me. And probably 95, 97% of the phone sessions I have with clients, it’s the only one I ever need to do with them.

Some guys come back, you know, once or twice a year just to check in and go through what’s going on in their life or their relationships and get my opinion, and feedback. But for most people, it’s they’ve got a specific issue, a specific situation at this point in time. They need help, I help them through it. And typically I only need one session. I’m not here trying to sell you a package of ten phone sessions or anything like that.

I prefer it, I like it, and I enjoy my work more when I get people to the point where they don’t need me and they just send me an occasional success story or an email to check in and tell me how great things are going in their lives. Because then to me, if I’m truly teaching self-reliance, then I’m actually getting my clients to the point where they don’t need me anymore. That’s the whole purpose of self-reliance.

I don’t want people dependent on me, and there’s lots of people that coach and do things of that nature, and they want you to to be dependent on them always coming back over and over. And it’s nice from a business perspective, but if your goal is to help people and teach self-reliance, you want them to get to the point where they’re competent and they don’t need you. So back to our viewer here.

I dated 12 women in 12 months and focused on learning everything I could from each interaction. None were hook-ups or one night stands as I knew that’s not what I wanted. 

I am now 9 months in with a gorgeous, highly intelligent woman with huge drive in her own career. It’s so easy to be with her, she causes no problems, we have a blast, the sex is wild… but I am losing interest. There is no good reason at all, I’m just not excited.

Well, that’s life, man. You’re not going to be infatuated the rest of your life with one person that’s going to wear off. The question is, “is she awesome enough? And do you feel like you want to continue giving to her on a daily basis? Do you see her as a mother of your children? Do you want to have kids with her?” And if the answer is, “No” then you should leave. And if the answer is, “Yes” stay with her.

Because life is not all sunshine and roses. Even when you become a successful entrepreneur, if you’re an entrepreneur or in a career for that matter. Maybe you went all the way up the corporate food chain, the corporate ladder, and you got a high level position and you’re making great money and you have great responsibility. Does it mean that every single second of every day, you’re going to love every single thing that you have to do or don’t do? Of course not.

Sometimes there’s just shit you have to do and you don’t feel like it. But you got to do it anyways because you’ve got to get the things done that you need to do as a man in order to accomplish your mission and your life’s work. And that includes in relationships. There’s going to be times you’re going to come home, you’re going to be tired, and you want to just go do your own thing. But you got a girl at home, you got kids at home, whatever. You got to spend time.

You got to give of yourself. And you can’t give away what you don’t have for yourself. You have to be at a place where you really love and enjoy your life being single and have a blast by yourself, and then you’re in a good place to find somebody to share that with, to share your completeness with, if you will. And so, this guy’s got a great girl. Everything’s awesome, but, he’s losing his enthusiasm to be with her.

There is no good reason at all, I’m just not excited. I miss the hunt. I miss new women. I miss that moment when you realize it’s on and you’re going home together. The girl I’m with is a 10, there is nothing I need that she doesn’t have – but I miss variety. How do I get rid of these urges?

Are you content? Doesn’t sound like you’re content. So the other thing is it’s not going to happen. You’re not going to be with an absolute smoking hot woman who you absolutely love and adore and not see other pretty women and go, “damn.” And imagine yourself sticking something in her. That’s life, but it doesn’t mean you’re going to act upon that urge. If you’re content and you’re happy with what you have. In other words, you don’t feel like you’re lacking anything. Then you don’t need it. You can admire and you can enjoy a woman’s beauty. Because, as Zan Pyron said, “beauty needs a witness.” So be a witness.

Maybe give her a compliment. Maybe not. But in your mind, send her a blessing and wish her well, and then move on with your life. You don’t have to hit on or seduce every woman, but if you really don’t want to be with your girlfriend anymore and you’re not interested in having children with her, and you’re not interested in having a family, and it’s more important to you to have new women and have a variety, then you should just date, hang out and have fun and hook up and not be exclusive with anybody.

But if there’s nothing wrong with the relationship, is variety really that important to you? I can’t answer that for you. That’s something only you know what’s in your heart and what you feel is right. But if you’ve got the perfect girl and there’s nothing wrong with her and everything’s great, the only real issue you have at this point is like, “do you want to have kids with her or not?” If you don’t. And you really would rather be unattached and date other women and have variety, then you should go do that. But you have to be 100%.

Because you don’t want to go and have variety and go, “Oh, I lost the love of my life. I got to get her back.” I mean, it does happen. I had a good friend. He was like the one guy I never, ever thought would settle down. And he was back and forth with the girl that he ultimately married. I mean, I think they broke up like 4 or 5 different times. He had the same feelings. He would get sick of being with her. And because he liked to hunt and he was really good. His game was pretty tight. And he liked hooking up with other women.

And the first couple of years that they were together, he cheated on her all the time. He wasn’t really faithful to her. He didn’t really want to be exclusive with her. But she was awesome. She was a family oriented girl. And it wasn’t until he slipped one past the goalie and knocked her up, and he was hanging out with one of the other girls that he was hooking up with, and he let it be known that his girlfriend was pregnant. And one of these girls was like, “I’m not hooking up with you anymore.” It’s like, “You need to go be with your girlfriend who is pregnant with your child.”

And she dipped on him. Which is surprising because most women would not. And, you know, after that, it’s like, especially after his son was born, he was like, “I love this girl.” It was like, “I want to have a family with her. This is what I want to do.” And so, they had two kids together and they didn’t get married for, I don’t know, 3 or 4 years. You know, their kids were like six, seven years old by the time they actually got married. And I never thought he was going to be the type to settle down and get married.

He’d been married when he was younger, like me. But it was like one of those guys, like, he’s always going to be a player. This is just his thing. But there were several times they were together. He was like, “I got to hunt.” He’s like, “I don’t really want to be in this relationship.” And he would blow it up in a really nasty way and be a real dick to her. And then 3 or 4 months later, he’d be like, “ah, I kind of miss her.” He’s like, “you gotta help me get her back, Corey.” And then he would tell me what he did and what he said, and I was like,” God, man, you’re a fucking asshole.

Why would you say that to her? Why would you do that? That’s horrible.” And then the final time things had got; he had just really made a complete ass out of himself. And she ended up flying back home to New York and staying with her parents. And she was doing her best to try to move on. And her parents were like, “yeah, you need to move on. This guy’s a dickhead. He’s not the right guy for you.” And after he told me what he did, I was like, “yeah, you need to hop on a plane and go apologize to her parents.”

Because her parents were involved and all this. “And you need to apologize to them and ask for their forgiveness. You need to ask for her forgiveness.” And, you know, it was funny because he talked to his mom and she told him the same thing. I was like, “your mom’s pretty smart. It’s like, you should listen to her. It’s like, you fucked up bad this time. If you really want to be with her, it’s like, go fucking be with her and stop jerking around.” And then they got back together and he still had a little side action going on.

But it’s like once his first child was born and then this other side piece was like, “nah, I’m not doing this with you anymore. You need to go be with your woman.” It’s like something clicked. Something changed. He was just like, now he’s like, “I’d die for her. I do anything for her.” He’s happily married. He doesn’t fuck around. Ever since he’s had kids, he’s like, “Pfft.” He’s out. He’s out of the game. He hung up his player handbook for good. And they’re happily married and the kids are awesome. He’s very successful. She’s a great wife, very loyal, came from a family; they’re together, you know, loves her mom, loves her dad.

And everybody’s happy now. But it was really messy for a long time. And I helped him out a bunch, you know, to get her back. Like I said, I was like 4 or 5 times, and it was like the last time, like when he blew it up and the things he said, and he caused a scene and he was just such a fucking ass, to the point where the parents, like, wanted nothing to do with him. They did not like him at all. They didn’t respect him. They didn’t want him around their daughter. They were just like, “I don’t want to meet him. I don’t want to see him.”

And she was like, “please, please, mom, please dad.” And she had to go to her parents to convince her parents to, you know, to entertain them and hear what he had to say. But I hope you won’t go through something like that. But you really need to decide. Do you want to have kids with her or not? And if the answer is no, then you should let her go.

If she’s that awesome of a woman, let her go. Find a guy who wants to have a family with her, and then you can go play the field. But that’s what I would do if I were you. You’re not going to get rid of these urges. They’re not going to go away. You’re not going to no longer see other women as attractive. That’s just a Disney fantasy.

The other night I was in a restaurant and caught the eye of a girl on a date with another guy. He was young and didn’t know what he was doing. She looked at me and we held direct, prolonged eye contact across the room while he was telling her a story.

And he had no idea.

That gave me some of the feeling I love and hadn’t felt in a long time, but I felt immature afterwards. I should be over this by now. I’m 34.

Any thoughts you’re willing to share on this topic would be hugely appreciated as always.

Bob

It’s like we’re men, we like women. We want to do naughty things to women, and have naughty things done to us by women. We’re sexual beings. The question is, “do you want to commit to this girl? Do you want to have a family with her?” And my buddy, who had very similar thinking to you, and he was a dickhead about it. I don’t approve of his actions and I reamed him out constantly over it. But, you know, they’ve been together consistently now. It’s like, I think it’s over a decade.

And they’ve been married 4 or 5 years, I think. Their kids are amazing. They’re just I’m so happy for both of them. But it was messy to get to that point. And like I said, I never thought he’d be the guy to settle down because I always just thought he’s just going to be a player. That’s his DNA. He just he had no desire to, but once he had a child, he was like, “I want to be a good dad. I don’t want my kids to see me fucking around on their mom.” It was like, “I wouldn’t feel good about that.”

So it changes you. So you really have to think long and hard. Do you want to have children with her? That’s really the bottom line. Do you want to have children with her? Yes or no? Would she be a great mom to your kids or not? And if you don’t, if you don’t want her to be the mother of your children, then you need to let her go so she can find the right guy and then you can just go back to being a player. And you’ll probably miss her. But you got some serious soul searching to do. And you know what would really help you with that soul searching is to in the description underneath this video, click the links to either go to my Website, to YouTube, or to Spotify and join our Members Only Content so you can get six additional Members Only Video Newsletters per week.

You can get to 3% Man Podcast with Caroline and the rest of The Girls, the Mastering Yourself Study Group with the rest of The Girls. So what we’re doing is we’re going through each Book, page by page and discussing it because the girls have been through it, Chunky’s been through it, and the feedback we’ve gotten from all the paying members is they seem to love the Study Group Videos on my Books the best. So we have that. We have Viewer Questions, the full film days, we’ve got those. Plus there’s other special videos that we do or documentaries, things that we released to the Members Only.

So if you join on my Website to consume the Members Only Content there, and you pay up front and do an annual membership, you get a 25% discount. You can also do month to month, and the benefit of subscribing to the Members Area on my Website is you obviously get the Email Analysis that go with these Video Newsletters, but if you just want to watch the Videos, you can subscribe on YouTube or Spotify. Again, the links are right underneath this video in the description. If you’re watching this on YouTube.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.