Some things to consider on why you should or shouldn’t stay with your girlfriend if you miss the single life sometimes.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has a really good relationship with his girlfriend. They have been together for 3 years. He spent a lot of time being single and playing the field. When they started dating, he had a rotation of several women he was seeing, until he became exclusive with his girlfriend because she was so easy and effortless to be with.
However, he misses the single life sometimes and wants some feedback on why he should or shouldn’t stay with his girlfriend. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
Why would you want to stay with somebody for longer than a few years, or when should you choose to be married? When should you choose to move in together, have kids? What is it that you want long term? Because remember, with anything in life, we’ve got to know what we want and we’ve got to know why we want it. And then once we know why we want it, then obviously, we’ve got to set a plan in motion to make it a reality. Same thing goes for your personal life, what’s your outcome? What do you want? What do you want to create for yourself?
I have a question I was hoping you would answer in one of your future videos.
1) You have talked about how good girls are hard to come by and how when you meet good genuine people that are: no drama, make you feel loved, wanted, needed, desired, appreciated etc. That you should keep them around and not throw them away so easily, because you have enough emotionally compelling reasons to stay together.
2) You have also talked about when you feel like you are missing out then maybe you should go back to dating if that feeling is strong. The need to “sample what’s out there,” “test driven enough cars,” etc.
I have been with my current girlfriend since November 2019. Before I met her, I was dating multiple women and had been doing that for a long time, (and loving it). She was my favorite girl that I was seeing at the time, and I had finally found myself wanting to spend more time with someone. This was not only due to the fact that she was absolutely stunning, but because she was so emotionally mature and everything was “effortless” following the cycle of hanging out, having fun and hooking up.
One thing I want to mention about that, about a relationship being effortless is, what kind of a home did you grow up in? Did your parents get along well? Were they both in the home? Or was it full of chaos and drama? If your family life typically was full of chaos and drama, you are going to be more emotionally familiar with chaos and drama. You’re going to feel emotionally anchored to it. That’s going to feel normal to you.
An easy and effortless relationship where things are going pretty well – you get along well, you resolve your differences of opinion very easily and effortlessly, and there’s really not much conflict – in that type of a relationship, if you came from a background where there’s lots of chaos, that’s not going to feel normal to you. It’s going to feel like something may be wrong or something may be missing, just because you’re used to drama.
So, that’s one thing you need to consider. How are you responding to her? Is it is it starting to feel like something’s missing? Because, again, if you were emotionally anchored to chaos and drama and difficulty in your relationships and then you got easy and effortless, that’s just not going to feel natural. But that’s the way things should be if you made a good choice and you vetted the girl properly.
She never pushed or rushed anything, which I think is one of the main reasons I ended up naturally flowing into an exclusive relationship.
Yeah, women like that just make it easy. They’re in no hurry, they’re in no rush, they don’t pressure you. They they tell you what they want, but if you’re not ready, they’re cool with it, they stick around, and they give you the benefit of the doubt. They don’t nag you, they don’t create problems. They don’t get butt-hurt and passively aggressively withhold sex from you, or be difficult, or not call you back, or not kiss you on the way out because they’re mad for whatever reason.
Within that time of being in a relationship and up to now, (going through a pandemic and lockdowns together), we only proved how compatible we are and again, how easy and effortless it is to be with someone who displays all of those characteristics from point number 1.
My problem is with point number 2. I have been battling the urges for some time now. We are obviously past the honeymoon period, but I have no complaints about the relationship. I love my relationship, and the sex life is great. BUT I cannot help myself feel the want and urge to be back out dating again, even though one would argue I have “tested enough cars,” as I spent years single, on purpose, for that very reason.
This has lasted several months and has been building up more and more, and I know I need to be showing up and giving 100% for my girlfriend to continue making the relationship spectacular. To do this, I need to be out of this mindset, but I am not sure I can change this urge, and I feel myself no longer feeling content, even though I have everything I have wanted!
Well, that’s like what I was talking about earlier. If you’re used to things being a mess and then you get in a relationship with something where it’s not a mess, it’s not going to feel normal to you to be in an easy, effortless relationship. It’s like, you’re looking for the chaos. The chaos is what’s missing – the difficulty, the not getting along, the passive aggressiveness, not communicating well. Her being mad or upset, giving you the silent treatment, whatever it happens to be.
Or worse, we’ve had so many emails over the years where there’s cheating, there’s lying, there’s deviousness. There’s getting jacked around, there’s girls having male orbiters. There’s just all this stuff in society that we all have to deal with, because we’re trying to vet and find somebody that we’re compatible with.
And so, where we’re at now in this guy’s email is, it’s like, what is your long term outcome? What do you want? Are you just looking for a girlfriend? Do you want to be a family man? Do you want a family, do you want to have kids? And so, in a situation like this with everything going the way it should be, I know a lot of the guys are listening to this going, “What’s the problem, dude?” Lots of guys would love to have what this particular guy has.
And so, the reason he should stay with her long term would be because it sounds like she’d be a good person to have a family with, if that’s what she wants and if that’s what he wants. But if you don’t have any intention of having kids or you don’t have any desire to have children with her, for whatever reason, you should not stay with her. Because obviously, the longer you stay with her, the more you eat up her biological clock time. And so, if she wants to have kids someday and you don’t, it’s not fair to her or to you, for that matter, to stay in a relationship with her. And that’s where knowing your outcome is. What do you want?
For me personally, over the last 20 years, I moved around a lot, dated internationally a lot, and never was stuck in one place for more than a couple of years. When you live that kind of a lifestyle, you’re kind of a nomad. And so dating casually or dating for a couple of years and then moving on, that’s more aligned with that kind of a lifestyle. But when you’re planted in one area – because, obviously, I’m getting older now, (I’m going to be 53 in a few months) – I think about, what am I going to leave behind? Do I want to have kids? Would I still like to be a dad of my own?
I’ve gotten the experience of being a part time dad, which I’ve written about, which was wonderful, it was life changing, but at this point in my life, the thing I think about is, would this woman be a good person to have children with, or not? That’s the thing I think of at this point in my life. When I was moving around a lot and I was kind of like this guy, was playing the field, having a good time, I really didn’t. That’s why I never settled down. That’s why I never got married. It didn’t feel like it was time for me to do that. I’ve learned to trust my heart and my intuition and what feels right for me.
But that’s just me. That’s my journey and what I feel. You have to think about what’s important to you. And so, in this case, if you don’t have any desire to have children or you don’t want to have children with her, if you can’t see her as being the mother of your children, then yeah, you should dip out. But if you want to have kids, and you would love to have her as the mother of your children, you want your babies to look like her, then I would stick around for this. But it’s normal to see other attractive women go, “Hmm, what’s that like?”
But to me, in your situation where you’re at, the deciding factor would be, do you or don’t you want to have kids with her? If you don’t want to have kids with her, then you should dip. And if you’d like to have kids, and you’d like to see her as a mother of your children, then you should stay with her. But keep in mind, life isn’t all sunshine and roses. You’re not going to be happy and completely head over heels in love and feel butterflies in your stomach every day. Like I said, that typically lasts 6 to 12 months.
As he said, he’s long since past the honeymoon period. Now, does he want to stay with her or not? Do you see yourself with a future with her? Do you want to build a future with her? Because if you leave and you start dating around, a girl like this is probably going to get snapped up by somebody else. So, you have to think about that. But if you truly want to stay single, and you truly want to date and explore other women, and you really enjoy that because of where you’re at that point in your life, then I would say you should go back to that particular lifestyle.
For me, when I’ve been stable and lived in a city, like when I was younger, I tended to have much longer relationships, especially like my early twenties, early thirties, when I was living in one city, one house for many years, I typically had girlfriends that lasted like that as well. But as I moved around a lot, and moved cities, and figured out what I wanted to do with my life, where I want to live, after I got out of being in real estate and having business partners, and being stuck in one place, and having the ability to date internationally and experience different cultures, it’s been a really cool experience.
But like I said, I’m coming back to this point in my life now. I’ve lived in the same place now for about four years. My goals, my outlook on things has changed. And so, that’s part of the vetting process. And the woman that I date, can I see myself having her as the mother of my children? Would I be proud to have her as a woman raising my kids, or not? That’s what you really need to look at. But again, all goes back to, what’s your outcome? What do you personally want, without having other people trying to influence you and make you feel bad or make you feel guilty about what you want?
I must stress that this has nothing to do with not being able to do my own thing or not spending enough time apart, as she has always been great with any of this, I have a great social life with my mates, I have several hobbies and enjoy lots of time that does not involve my girlfriend. She is very relaxed and lets me be the man I want to be.
I would really appreciate any wisdom/advice you can share on my current understanding of what you teach on this particular subject.
Again, it just goes back down to, what’s your outcome. What do you want? Would she be a good mother to your children? Would you want to co-parent with her? Because, at the end of the day, they’re your children. The idea is if you have children, you’re trying to create better human beings than you and your girl. You want them to be happier, have a better quality of life, be smarter, have cooler friends, have more experiences. And then, when you finally shuffle off this mortal coil, if you will, you can do it with a smile on your face on what you left behind – that you left the world a little bit better than when you found it.
But again, it’s up to you. What do you want? I’m a life coach. My job as a coach is not to judge you or make you feel guilty one way or another. It’s to help you achieve your outcome. And that’s up to you. You’ve got to put your big boy pants on and make a decision.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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