Why You Should Stop Pursuing When She Won’t Reciprocate Effort

Why you should stop pursuing when she won’t reciprocate effort.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has been with his girlfriend for about 6 years. She moved out in September last year and they have been stuck in limbo ever since. He’s trying to fix the relationship while she maintains being distant, uninterested and unengaged in working things out. On top of that she is talking to another man that she claims is just a friend. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Members Only Newsletter is, “Why You Should Stop Pursuing When She Won’t Reciprocate Effort.”

So this particular email is from a guy. He’s been with his girlfriend for about six years, and she moved out in September of last year, and they’ve been stuck in limbo ever since. He’s trying to fix the relationship while she maintains being distant, uninterested and unengaged in working things out. So it’s very similar to the free email that I did this morning, “When To Stop Asking Her Out After No Contact Works & Why.” It’s always interesting to me how when I get emails in, I’ll get like 4 or 5 in a row that’s of guys that are in very similar situations.

And it’s like, what are the odds of that? It’s like same thing when I see phone sessions purchased. You’ll see a day where nothing, and then three happen within an hour of each other at like 2 a.m. it’s like, that’s just bizarre how that happens. Or you get a speeding ticket and then two weeks later, you get a second speeding ticket. Or you meet a girl that you really click with. And a week or two later, you meet a second one or a third one. It’s just kind of how the way the universe works, it kind of works abundantly.

It sends it to you almost all at once. After a long period of suffering and nothing and a dry season and a pussy embargo and everything else. So let’s go through this guy’s email. So this is the other thing, they’re kind of broken up now. They were living together but she’s since moved out. But they’re still talking. And you can tell, he’s still calling. He’s still texting her. He’s trying to work things out. But he’s like pushing a wet noodle.

He’s the only one making the effort, and he’s ignoring the fact that she’s not making any effort. You want to be with somebody that makes the mutual effort. And when, like I was talking about in the earlier free email, is like, this guy’s got the same problem. She backs off. He lets her be. She starts to come back, then he starts to pursue again, she backs off. He keeps pursuing more, and he’s just stuck in limbo. And this is where you don’t want to be.

This is the danger of not following what The Book teaches and because what’s going on is he’s vacillating back and forth between acting masculine and sure of himself and being a catch and letting her come to him, and acting like an unsure, insecure little girl. Women need a calm, masculine guy that doesn’t freak out when he doesn’t hear from her. As Thích Nhất Hạnh said, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.”

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach,



Jessica and I have been together for six years, but the past three have been especially difficult.

Well, when you understand women and you’re with a normal one, and you know The Book backwards and forwards, they’re pretty easy to be with.

About three years ago, her parents moved away to Nova Scotia, and she had to move in with me. It was a big step for her, but I wasn’t emotionally prepared. Instead of supporting her, I reacted poorly, feeling upset about the situation.

Masculinity is calm, Dude. You get upset and you get angry at her, she’s not going to feel safe with you. She came with you because you created a safe environment and then you’re like, “Argh!” It’s like with the puppies. I was talking about earlier. When I get around other people, both of these dogs are very friendly. But Ocean, because she’s a girl, there are some men she growls at. She’s like, “Argh!” When I get close to her or whatever, he’s like, “Argh.” And she backs away. She doesn’t feel safe.

But whereas Rocky pretty much just loves everybody. It’s like she can sense when some dude is just bubbling rage under the surface. And if you’re fit and you’re in shape and you see women checking you out and smiling at you, and then you start talking to them and you get their number, and then they won’t ever go out with you. It’s probably because deep down, you’re not really a happy person. You’re not relaxed, you’re not calm. They sense your vibe is off. They don’t feel safe around you. So that’s important.

If you go to your friends houses and their kids avoid you, that’s not a good sign. That means that the kids are scared of you and they don’t feel safe if the animals, if people have pets, cats, dogs, and they all avoid you, it’s because the animals sense rage in you. They sense that you’re not happy. And the most important thing that a man needs to do first is he needs to get to a happy place. Because if you love yourself and you love your life and you’re proud of it, it’s pretty easy to get somebody else excited and into your life. If you’re not excited about your own life, how are you going to get a girl excited?

Because if you’re not happy and you’re angry again, she’s not going to feel safe. Animals aren’t going to feel safe. Kids aren’t going to feel safe. Women aren’t going to feel safe around you. That’s just, it’s just a fact of life. So if you’re not getting good results with the ladies, you got to look inward. What can I do to get to a calm place? Something that’s really helpful is the Consciousness Exercises Stage 1 through 12 with Doctor D’Anna and Gracie that we filmed several years ago. Those are on the home page of my YouTube channel.

If you just go to @CoachCoreyWayne the YouTube Channel and scroll down to the bottom of the home page, the Consciousness Exercises. I would suggest at least three times a week, maybe like a Monday, Wednesday and Friday, block out an hour and just do all 12 Stages. They only take a few minutes each to do and they’re very empowering and you’ll feel a lot better. If you have approach anxiety or you’re going out with your buddies in the weekend and you’re feeling nervous and feeling fearful about talking to the ladies, do all 12 Consciousness Exercises a couple hours before you guys go out.

Just do it in front of your big screen TV, put the playlist on, and just follow them in the order at Stage 1 through 12 and you’ll feel better. You’ll feel calm. You’ll feel peace in your body. You’ll feel more certain of yourself. And that will really help you when you’re talking to other people. It’ll bring some of that spiritual energy in some of that calm energy, and people will feel relaxed around you. You’ll put people at ease. If you put people at ease, they’ll want to hang out with you. If you don’t put people at ease, they’re going to flee from you.

So you got to pay attention to that, because again, if you’re out, you’re socialized and you’re getting numbers and the girls seem to be into you, but they never go out with you. That tells me the vibe is off. Probably because you don’t feel happy. You’re not proud of yourself or proud of your life, or you’re not calm. Again, think about it this way if you get around other people’s pets and they’re scared of you, if you get around other people’s kids and they avoid you, that’s a you problem. That’s not a woman problem. That’s a you problem. Because if you’re calm and you’re relaxed and you’re playful and you’re happy, women are going to feel safe around you and they’re all going to come and want to be near you.

Looking back, I see how I failed to make her feel welcome, and she’s recently shared how deeply that hurt her, making her feel like a burden.

Well, you got to apologize to her properly. You got to say, “You know, that was really selfish of me. I did invite you to move in. And then I was angry that you moved in. I didn’t make you feel welcome. Probably didn’t make you feel safe. Didn’t make you feel loved. Didn’t make you feel supported. And that’s my fault. I was in a bad place, or I had shit going on at work and whatever it was. And I took it out on you. And you didn’t deserve that. And I’m so sorry. I really apologize for making you feel that way. It wasn’t my intent, but I’m glad you brought this to my attention. And I promise you, it’ll never happen again.”

This unresolved tension lingered in our relationship and eroded our connection over time. A year ago, she began expressing doubts about her happiness in the relationship.

And so that’s just showing that her feelings are dropping, even though she knows he’s a great guy. But something feels off. The only thing that matters with women is how they feel about you. Again, if you’re not calm and you’re not happy in your own life, it’s going to be really hard for you to make other women feel safe around you to where they want to be with you.

She said she felt stuck, unsure if her feelings for me were romantic or platonic, and started craving independence.

So that tells me he’s acting too unsure of himself, too girly, too effeminate, too much pursuing, too much calling, too much texting, not enough leading, not enough masculinity, not enough being calm, not enough playfulness, not enough fun. Because girls just want to have fun. And if you’re uptight with a stick jammed up your ass all the time, or a broomstick handle stuck up your ass, it’s like people aren’t going to want to be around you, especially women.

I responded by trying harder to fix things, focusing on heavy emotional conversations and trying to regain control, which only pushed her further away.

What is the formula I always teach? Hang out. Have fun while you’re hanging out. And hook up when the signs are there that she’s ready to be touched, Ready to be kissed. Ready to be seduced.

This pattern continued until September, when she moved out, saying she needed space to process her feelings.

She also took our dog, “shit-eater”, part-time, which added to the emotional strain.

When a woman says, she “needs space”, that means you’re smothering her. That means you basically became the woman in the relationship. You smothered her to the point where she just wanted to get away from you. As Thích Nhất Hạnh said, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” So instead of her coming home to a house that feels calm, that feels peaceful, that feels relaxed, that’s playful, that’s fun, that’s warm, that’s inviting. She’s coming home every day to a dude that’s got a broomstick handle, a giant broomstick handle, one of those big thick ones, jammed up his fucking ass. He’s not a happy dude.

Especially if you’re focusing on heavy topics. Again. Hang out, have fun, hook up. It doesn’t say hang out. Focus on heavy topics, be overly emotional and be angry and upset thinking you’re going to logic your way into her liking you more. You’ve got to be masculine. You got to act like a man. You got to act like what The Book says. That’s what attracts women to you. It works in lesbian relationships, and it works in gay relationships. You got to have the sexual polarity balanced and natural, because if you don’t, women are going to flee from you.

During this time, I discovered that she had been emotionally confiding in someone else, Bob Thunder Cock. This betrayal devastated me, and I confronted her, but my actions, going through her messages, broke her trust further.

Well, it’s really just the anger and the hostility and the paranoia. That doesn’t sound like a guy that’s calm, that’s centered, that’s relaxed. It’s a dude that’s always looking for, as Wayne Dyer used to say, There’s just some people that go through life looking for occasions to get offended.” Like I was talking about earlier, there was a guy last week that was really mad, really angry, that I have (Erica’s) my puppies on the Podcast, our Podcast Puppies. Which everybody loves. The Girls love these puppies. Women love puppies.

And this kid, this guy just went on and on trying to insult me and my beautiful little puppies that everybody loves because he’s not a happy person. He’s an angry person. And, you know, as Bill Parcells said, “If you can help the team, come on in, and if you can’t, then get the hell out.” And so we blocked this guy last week. It’s the only paying member that we blocked in the past year. Just an angry, unhappy dude. It’s like, I’m not going to listen to that shit. I turn 55 in a few weeks. Is like, if you’re angry and unhappy, go resolve that. Go hang out with the Red Pill Guys. There’s 41 million other YouTube channels you can follow. I don’t need that shit in my life.

The 99.99% of everybody I engage with or talk to and phone sessions or get emails from, they’re very kind, they’re very gracious. They’re very happy to talk to me. They’re nice people. They’re easygoing, easy to get along with. Somebody that’s emotionally hijacked and angry and pissed off. It’s like, I’m just not going to deal with that. Maybe when I was younger I put up with a little bit, but at this point myself, The Girls, especially. The Girls are very savage. It’s like if you’re being a dick in the comments (The Girls) they’re just going to block you. Nobody wants to deal with that. And angry, unhappy people do not put people at ease.

While she assured me it wasn’t physical and has since stopped talking to him, the damage to our relationship was significant. Since then, I’ve been working on myself, going to therapy, and making real changes to be a better partner. Despite my efforts, she remains uncertain about whether she can reconnect with me.

Well, the problem is you’re trying to reconnect with somebody who doesn’t want to reconnect with you. You’re chasing and pursuing after you’ve already been dumped. She’s already left. And that’s why you’re stuck in limbo. Because you don’t love yourself. You don’t value yourself. You’re not happy. You’re not in a happy place. You don’t love your life, you’re not proud of your life. And so you’re kind of looking at your girl as she’s going to make you happy if she’s in your life. But when you had her before, you still weren’t happy. You didn’t make her feel safe. Your masculinity was not balanced. You weren’t the leader.

Currently, we’re in limbo. She sends mixed signals, sometimes engaging warmly, agreeing to therapy, and keeping plans for Christmas and trips, but other times expressing emotional distance and frustration. She recently told me she’s angry and sad about how things have unfolded over the years, particularly how unsupported she felt when she moved in with me. She’s processing a lot, including her stress over finding a new place to live, but she hasn’t been able to commit to working on the relationship.

Well, stop calling her. Stop pursuing her. Read the fucking Book. Follow what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. Because there is nothing you’re doing in this email that’s even remotely going to be attractive to a woman. You’re chasing after somebody who’s basically disengaged and not making an effort. You got a match and mirror her actions. That’s what it’s detailed in The Book. When a woman is broken up with you and moved out, you’re not in a relationship anymore. It’s like you’re trying to hold on to this commitment so she doesn’t run off with somebody else.

But at the end of the day, you’re not really acting and behaving like a calm, masculine man that has choices and options. You should be looking at her as, “Well. She doesn’t want to work on the relationship. She doesn’t want to see me. She doesn’t want to go out on dates.” So stop asking her. Stop calling her, stop pursuing her. Next time you hear from her, just say, “Hey, I wanted to let you know because things have been kind of in limbo for the last six months that I’m going to start dating other people. And since you haven’t been willing to make the effort to make it work, it takes two to tango.

So I’m going to just assume that you’re not interested in making us work. So I want to move on with my life. You should move on with yours, and I only want to hear from you if you’re interested in sex and romance and giving things another shot, because this just doesn’t work for me. It’s been in limbo for a long time and it’s not getting any better. And I just don’t want to spend any more time investing in somebody that is just not willing to invest in us. So, you know, if you ever change your mind, if you ever get to the place where you miss me and you want to see me, then get in touch.

And if I’m still single and free, then we can have a date. But if I’m not, if I’m taken, then I’m just not going to be able to continue engaging with you and talking with you.” Because at this point, I mean, again, it takes two to tango. She’s not willing to make the effort. You never try to keep somebody that doesn’t want to keep you, and you sitting around with your thumb up your butt, waiting on her to change her mind this is not what a man who has choices and options is going to do. His attitude is always, “Hey, are you in or are you out?” And right now, through her actions, she’s clearly out. So if she’s out, you’re out.

Then you’re going to focus your time and your attention on somebody who does want to engage with you and does want to talk with you and does want to see you and is happy to be around you. And if you’re not in a happy place, focus on getting to a happy place first. You need to look at this as she has to earn another chance with you, not the other way around. You’re focusing on seeking her attention and her validation and trying to win her back. Instead of acknowledging the fact that your relationship is over at the present time, there’s nothing happening between the two of you.

You’re not getting together. You’re not dating, you’re not sleeping together, and she’s not willing to make an effort. All she’s doing is giving you excuses, and we know she’s talking to other men. So if we look at our actions, she would rather not be with you. And she would rather talk to Bob Thunder Cock than hang out with you. So therefore, go spend your time with women who are excited to see you and speak with you.

Read The Book, apply it and get better. And if your girl misses you in the future and she reaches out, do what 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back says and invite her over to make dinner in the evening at your place. You don’t go to her. You don’t pick her up. You don’t meet her on neutral ground. It’s just simply a date. If she’s interested in sex and romance, she’ll make a date in the evening at your place. If she’s not and she just wants attention and validation, or wants to keep you as a backup or her gay male girlfriend, then she’s going to try to get you to agree to coffee, or to lunch, or to brunch, or to a group date or a neutral setting, and you’re just not going to do that, because, again, at this point, you’ve been waiting long enough and you keep chasing her and all you’re doing is spinning your wheels.

It’s like if you’ve ever been to Daytona and driven on the beach there, you get stuck in the sand. What happens? You just keep spinning your wheels and spinning your wheels, thinking you’re going to get out of the sand, and all you’re doing is getting yourself more and more stuck. And so to get unstuck, take a step back. And bottom line her actions. And what are her actions? Her actions are, she doesn’t want to see you. She doesn’t want to date you. She doesn’t want to have sex with you. She’s making no effort. She moved out.

She left you already a long time ago. And we know she’s talking to other men. So you should go talk to other women and have the attitude of she’s a potential prospect in the future. And so I wouldn’t call her to tell her this. There’s no reason to do that. If she reaches out next time, you could try to set a date. If she turns you down and says she’s confused, just say, “Okay, well, you know, it’s time for us to go our separate ways. I’ve given it six months and all you are is confused and unsure and you’re talking to other guys. So what it looks like is you’re trying to meet and date other guys and kind of hold on to me as a backup in case you can’t find anybody else.

And I’m just not going to wait anymore. So I want you to know that from this point forward, I’m going to start dating other people. We’re not together, we’re broken up. And unless you’re interested in sex and romance and rekindling our relationship and making an effort, I don’t want to hear from you anymore. I don’t want to talk to you. I don’t want to hear how things are going. It’s all I’m interested is. Are you willing to work on things or not? And so far, through your actions, all you’ve shown me is that you’re not. I’ve given you six months and you did nothing to fix it. So it’s time for both of us to move on. You move on with your life. I’m going to move on with my life.

And if you ever get to a point where you really miss me and you really want to see me and you’re interested in sex and romance, and you want to give us another try. I’d love to hear from you, but understand that if I’m with somebody else when that happens, that I’m not going to be able to see you anymore. But, you know, at this point, I’m going to assume our relationship is over forever. We had a good run. I wish all the best. I think you’re great, but I can’t do this by myself. It takes two to tango. And the last six months, you’ve just been sitting on your ass and not making any effort. So it’s time for me to move on. It’s time for you to move on. You know, again, until I find somebody else, we can potentially work it out.

But, you know, if I hear from you, you need to be ready to make a serious effort. Because this half ass being stuck in limbo shit, it doesn’t work for me anymore. I love you, I think you’re great, but I’m moving on, and I’m gonna start dating other people, and you need to respect that. So unless you want to talk about getting back together or seeing me in a romantic context, I don’t want to hear from you again. I just want to move on with my life.” And that’s what I would do if I were you. You got to read The Book. You got to understand the philosophy. Because you’re doing and saying a lot of unattractive things here.

And, you know, The Book is 240 pages. You need to read it 10 to 15 times backwards and forwards to undo the negative programming and the unattractive beta male programming that you’ve basically become brainwashed with over the course of your life through TV and traditional movies. Because if you don’t get that right, then you’re going to turn off every woman you meet in the future for the same reasons. Which, like I was talking about earlier in the video, you’re not happy, you’re not calm, you’re not relaxed, you’re not fun. It’s like, again, you got a giant broom handle stuck up your ass and you’re pissed off and you’re bitter. Instead of being bewildered.

As Rumi said, “Sell your cleverness and purchase bewilderment.” Be amused. Be amazed. Be enchanted by the women in your life. So get out there and rock out with your cock out. Have a good time and play ball. And may the best girl win. And even if she does come back, it’s one date. Hang out. Have fun. Hook up. Let her do all the calling, texting and pursuing. Let her bring up getting together.

The problem is that you’re trying to chase this girl back into your life, when in reality, you chased and smothered her right out of your life. And obviously, after getting through the end of the email, it doesn’t seem like you really understand what you did and said that turned her off. But again, it doesn’t look like you’ve even read The Book yet. Or he says, “I’ve been reading your book and gone through it several times.”

Actually, there’s one more paragraph I haven’t read, so my bad.

I love her deeply and want to rebuild trust and connection. I’ve reflected on my mistakes and have genuinely grown, but I’m unsure if it’s enough to reignite her feelings.

Well, I promise you, if you just sit around trying to change her mind, what’s going to eventually happen is she’s going to run off with Bob Thunder Cock, and then you’re going to be brokenhearted. And you’re going to feel like a chump because you’re like, man, I wasted all this fucking time, right?

I don’t know how much longer I can stay in this uncertain space.

I would say today is the end of it. I would just start dating other people and move on with your life. I wouldn’t call her. I wouldn’t reach out. I would just matter of factly tell her how things are. Like Oshie’s getting a little needy, like a chick. Girls are a lot of work, dude. They need a lot of attention. But it has to be their idea. They have to be the ones seeking your attention. Right? Right. Yeah.

I’m reaching out for guidance on whether it’s possible to save this relationship.

Only if she’s willing to make the effort. Right now, she’s not. “You never try to keep somebody that doesn’t want to keep you.”

Or if I need to step back and let go for both of our well-being.

You need to let go, Dude.

I’ve been reading your book, I’ve gone through it several times but not the 10-15, yet. I want to be able to fully understand and be a good student. 

Bob

Well, read it 10 to 15 times and most importantly, apply it. Get out there. Because if you have other women that you’re dating and you’re seeing, then what’s going to happen is that you’ll get better. You’ll be more attractive. Hey, come on up. See what I mean? You’ll. You’re such an attention whore. So you see how that works? It’s like, I’m busy working and she’s like, “Ah, pay attention to me!” That’s the way girls are. You give them too much attention. They don’t want anything to do with you. You give them no attention and they’re like, “Hey, I pay attention to me!” You see how that works? They’re like cats like that. So you go about your life, you go about your business.

You’re totally indifferent. You move on. And when they can’t handle that anymore, they’re like, “Hey, pay attention to me!” It’s like the text. “Hey!” Right? That’s how she rolls. So again, reading The Book and applying it will make you better because in a few months, potentially, if this girl starts to really come back, she’ll find a more confident version, you’ll be cockier, you’ll have more swagger, and she’ll purr like a kitty cat. She’ll be glad to be back in daddy’s arms. Just like Ocean is glad to be back in daddy’s arms. Even though you made a big fuss of it. And you see I didn’t get angry. I didn’t get pissed off. I didn’t yell at her to shut up. I understood and recognized that she just wanted attention because she noticed I wasn’t paying any attention to her.

That’s how girls are. Whereas Rocky, he is. He’s cool either way. He’s cool sitting on the floor. He’s cool sitting in my lap. But her. She’s just constant changing emotions. Remember, feminine energy is chaos. It’s like the weather. It’s fucking all over the ice. One day it’s beautiful out. The next day it’s cold and rainy and lightning and tornadoes and wind and hail and just unpleasant weather. It’s just. You can’t let it bother you. You can’t let it freak you out. Or uncenter you. Again, “Sell your cleverness and purchase bewilderment.”

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.