Why You Shouldn’t Date Women Whose Fathers Did A Bad Job Raising Them

Why you shouldn’t date women whose fathers did a bad job raising them.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who was dating his ex for about eight months. She had a lot of trauma and daddy issues she was seeking help for. However, she was difficult and emotionally, mentally and verbally abusive. Their relationship was on and off. She had plenty of male orbiters and backup guys to date. When they were off she was with other men.

He wonders if they will get back together again or if she is just too crazy and damaged to have an easy going and easy to get along with relationship. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is a little longer than most, but what’s interesting is this particular guy was dating this woman for about eight months. He said she had a lot of trauma and daddy issues from her upbringing. However, she was supposedly working on herself. She was into self-help. I think she might have even been getting some therapy, but she was very, very emotionally, mentally and verbally abusive towards him. They were on again, off again. Plus, there are lots of male orbiters, you know, beta male orbiters and back up guys to date. Every time they were off, she was already out with another dude. That shows that she’s incredibly insecure, that if you’re dating somebody for eight months, they can’t even go 24 hours without jumping on to another guy. That’s not a good sign. That’s not a good sign of somebody that is a good match to date.

The idea with applying what’s in the book, it’s going to bring out the best women, and the women that are screwed up and messed up, it’s going to repulse them and piss them off really quickly when they blow their top, they’re an asshole to you, or maybe they just ghost you. You dodge a bullet because you’re trying to vet properly. You want to make sure that you’re dating a girl who’s easy going, easy to get along with, communicates well, ideally has a good relationship with her mom and especially the father, and they have to communicate well.

I’ve seen lots of times over the years guys go, “Oh, she’s got a good relationship with her dad,” and I am like, “All right well, tell me about that.” Then they start talking and then turns out the day the dad is a doormat, the wife doesn’t respect the dad, the daughters don’t respect the dad. If none of the women in the family respect the man, the head of the household, it’s a 99% certainty that they’re not going to respect you or any other man, for that matter. They’re going to be hell on wheels to date. That has been my personal experience.

Women that were raised by a good, strong father or dad is the head of the household, he’s the man of the family and the daughters admire, respect and look up to daddy and they do what daddy tells them, those are good women to date. Easygoing, easy to get along with. You talk about anything but women who had no father, or whose dads just did a bad job raising them. It’s like, whatever behavior is modeled between the mother and the father is typically what the kids are going to adopt.

Like I said, this email is a little longer than most, but I picked it because there’s just a lot of good stuff in here. I mean, it’s bad stuff, but it’s a lot of good bad stuff and a lot of bad behavior for you to notice and to recognize in case you start dating a woman that is exhibiting these behaviors so you can tap out and get the hell out because you’re not going to fix these women if they haven’t done the work on themselves, they’re not willing to get therapy. If they are getting therapy, if it doesn’t get any better, you can’t work with that. It’s nice that they want to help themselves, but what I’ve seen is that most women that come from a broken home, they’re just 98%-99% of the time, they’re just too fucked up. It’s not your job to fix them or to save them or to be Captain Save-A-Hoe. So pay attention to all these red flags and this trashy behavior.

Viewer’s Email:

Hey Coach,

Thank you for help pushing all of us to see reality a bit more clearly. I could use your help.

My ex and I were dating for about eight months. I am 32 and this was my first semi-healthy committed relationship in a while. I played it slow and smooth at first. She chased me. She ended up loving me and we had a ton of great sex, adventures and during the relationship we prioritized self-help and growth. We grew a ton. We are very different people then when we started dating and I would never replace what we did together.

We were a bit on and off during the relationship. She has deep trauma. As you say, girls with bad father figures can be a little disrespectful. She works diligently on fixing herself and she’s very intelligent and experimental with her self improvement.

I think that’s wonderful, and I think that’s great. However, how does she treat you? It’s great that she’s in therapy and counseling and does self-help and all those things, but if she’s still an asshole to you, if she’s still nasty to you, if one day she’s sweet as pie, and the next day she calls you and she’s just acting crazy, angry, mean and nasty just because she woke up on the wrong side of the bed, that’s not easy going and easy to get along with. That’s somebody that is a difficult, messed up pain in the ass.

Again, whatever behavior is modeled by the family at home is typically what they’re going to exhibit when they become adults themselves.That’s just the way it is. It sucks. Most people aren’t going to be willing to do what needs to be done to turn themselves around. Even though this woman is doing it, it’s obviously early in the process. You’ll see, as I get further in this email, it’s like, doesn’t look like it’s helping very much.

This is confusing because she says the right things and knows what’s healthy but she is compelled by her trauma and triggers still.

That’s why you look at her actions. She says all the right things, but what her actions show, what does she say versus what does she do? She says one thing and then does another.

My faults are that I have trauma as well and have a control/clingy issues. I am much better at handling them these days but its a battle. It is what it is.

What are you going to do better, man?

I still have to be a man despite my insides.

This is why it’s so important to date a woman who brings peace in your life. “Peace! I want some peace, woman!”

If you got a woman that’s constantly bringing chaos and drama, and you try to set healthy boundaries and she just continues to act like a lunatic, you’re not going to fix that. It’s not your fault. It’s not your problem. It’s not your issue to address. You can tell her, you can call her out on it, but if she just continues to, she could say, “Oh, I’m going to fix it. I’m going to do this,” but if she just continues abusing you, it’s like you got to tap out. Unless you want to tolerate the abuse, because the longer you stay, the more she learns that men will put up with it. If you put up with it, then it basically enables her behavior to continue doing it.

You know, pain is life’s change agent. The only way she’s going to change is if she keeps losing good men. Unfortunately, most guys will put up with their crap until they just can’t take it anymore, usually. Or worse, they marry her.

When we would separate she would generally talk to another guy or two but never do anything about it.

Oh sure, OK. I got a bridge to sell you, if you really believe that.

It hurts a little to know that she rebounds so quickly…

That’s what happens when daddy’s not around. She doesn’t have a strong father figure. She’s looking for safety. She’s looking for masculinity. If she doesn’t feel she can get it from you, she’s trying to get it from the next guy. Again, there’s no daddy, there’s no stability. She doesn’t know what to look for. She doesn’t know which men are trustworthy or which men to trust, so she tends to have a bunch of dudes that are kind of like her Frankenstein boyfriend project.

…But every time she’d find a way to come back into my life and agree to change.

Right, that’s nice. That’s sweet that she agreed to change. However, did she actually change or did she just Kentucky guarantee you?

Or if its my fault I would apologize and change my behavior.

This last time, I broke up with her. The night before, she had been screaming hysterically about some trigger.

Yeah, that’s a deal breaker for me. I don’t put up with that shit. If you’re going to be nasty, if you’re going to badger me, if you’re going to scream at me or yell, it’s like, I’m out. I don’t put up with that.

I mean, you guys, if you’ve seen the videos with Katie, myself and the girls. It’s like, I’ve known her for over 20 years at this point, and she never once has raised her voice at me in all the all the time we were together. All these years since, whenever we talk, it’s like she’s always sweet as pie because she was raised by a good family.

After we got through the part where she was very defensive, she just cried a lot because she can see she’s broken.

Well again, that’s not your fault. You didn’t break her. Her dad and mom did that.

I didn’t let her walk on me when she was upset but was very daddy about the parts where she deserved some comfort and she loved it and fell asleep on me.

This is like you think, “Oh, she apologized. ‘Hey, sorry for being a bitch.'” You’re like, “Maybe there’s some hope.” Then the next day, what happens? You wake up with the hot but crazy Targaryen dragon lady who just breathes fire on everything and just destroys everything there. Women are just like that. That’s what she saw. A model growing up.

The next morning she gives me an attitude on her way out of the door about something she was disappointed about and when I called her out on the attitude I got an apology along with a bunch of excuses.

“Oh, I’ll be better. I’m going to change, I promise.”

She said she didn’t have the emotional capacity to deal with it right now. It was annoying to have to deal with my anger but she’s out enjoying herself. She told me its the best time she had in a while. I told her she better come back tonight and make amends or come get her stuff. She came back and was all giggly and happy which was annoying considering how she left me feeling. I ended up breaking it off because it felt she walked on my feelings all the time.

Its been about 2-3 weeks. She’s single and dating other people. There’s a lot of interesting guys out there and she rebounds quickly as I said. Personally I’m not very motivated to find someone right now but the options are limited compared to her options.

Well, if she’s attractive, it’s like most women can go out and shake their moneymaker at some random dude, and they can go home and get laid anytime they want. Us guys, especially like in this case, he’s been off and on for eight months. He’s probably thinking he’s emotionally attached. He’s hoping, “OK well, she’ll get the hint. She’ll work on herself. She’ll really make the changes. Then she’ll come back a changed woman.” Well, they’ve been back and forth several times, and what’s changed? She just goes and starts hooking up with another guy. She’s not trying to fix anything. That’s what tells you everything you need to know.

If you dump a girl because of her behavior and you’re like, “I’ll give you another chance if you change this,” and she just doesn’t change the behavior and has the attitude of, “Hey, this is how I am. Take it or leave it,” and then just starts fucking other guys, well there’s your answer. She doesn’t love you enough, appreciate you enough, value enough to change your behavior because there’s just another thirsty guy willing to line up and put up with their crap. So she’s his problem now.

It hurts that she’s dating interesting guys and she likes to tell me about it and make me jealous because she’s a brat and wants my attention.

Well, you’re giving it to her, so you need to knock it off.

It works a little too. I am seeing her on Valentine’s Day which I planned prior to making me jealous. Surely she will fall for me all over again while I make her feel like a little girl in her fun, sexy daddy’s presence. But is that what I want?

Well, it looks like you’re in a relationship with a jack-in-the-box. You’re part of a Frankenstein boyfriend project. The fact that she’s got all these guys around, and as soon as things get in the rocks, she’s calling them. She doesn’t care if she doesn’t get the attention and the love from you that she wants. She just gets it from somebody else. Remember, she never had a stable dad at home, so she doesn’t know what stability looks like. There’s no one guy that she goes to. She’s got whole host of dudes. She’s got a whole rotation of guys on her practice squad, and you’re just one of them.

I can’t figure out if she’s just a woman or she’s extra crazy and a pain in the ass. She brings so many beautiful things into my life when we are together but at the cost of my peace often.

Well, that’s the problem. That’s why it’s a deal breaker. All men need a woman to bring peace to their life. If a chick just brings drama and chaos, she’s got to go. She’s not going to fix it. You’ve given her countless chances over the last eight, nine months, and nothing’s changed. She says she’s going to change, but what actually changes? Nothing.

We have a strong connection intellectually and spiritually. She’s getting sexier too. We had a really fun phone call last night and she really is infatuated with me.

It’s like, calm down, bro. Come on, you’re being a little delusional.

I know that my jealousy is fueling some of my wanting her back but I do want her.

Well, rejection breeds obsession. She, instead of changing her behavior, is showing you, through her actions, that she just rather go fuck other guys. She’s not going to change. It’s too easy to get somebody else. It’s not a big deal to her. She doesn’t look at losing you like a big loss. That’s just a harsh reality.

I don’t know how to handle this.

Well, you dumped her because her behavior was inappropriate, so stop chasing her. You don’t break up with her and then ask her out on Valentine’s Day. You only give her another chance if she’s really changed and she’s remorseful. “I promise you, this is it. It’ll never happen again.” I was like, “All right. Well, I’m gonna I’m gonna look at what you do, not what you say. That sounds nice. I’ll give you one more chance. If you just if you start this shit all over again, I’m kicking you to the curb and I’m going to block your number, and we’re never going to speak again. I don’t need this in my life, but obviously you’re not doing that.”

All that does is tell her she can have her cake and eat it too, and she can keep getting away with being an ass to you, because why should she change? You put up with it. These other guys put up with it. Nobody’s putting their foot down. She’s not experiencing losing you forever because of her behavior.

She can see some of my jealousy and enjoys it, but I don’t simp. I’m weird and kind of like jealousy in some ways but it is kind of making me try to possess her again.

You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free, and you’re trying to be Captain Save-A-Hoe for a woman that doesn’t look very loyal. If you were together eight months off and on, and as soon as you push her away or she dumps you, she’s riding somebody else’s dick. You say, “Oh, nothing’s really happening.” That’s kind of delusional.

She said, “If I’m a good daddy for a few weeks, she’ll consider it.”

Let me read that again. Remember, he’s the one that supposedly broke up with her. So despite what he says, look at what he’s communicated to her. “She said, ‘If I’m a good daddy for a few weeks, she’ll consider it.'”

When really, the choice is in my hands to pursue or not. I can always get her back unless she gets attached to someone else.

Come on man, have some self respect. This is kind of looking pathetic at this point here.

I have a really hard time figuring out how to play this. I can’t tell when I need to stand my ground, when I should leave her on read/give very little to make her chase, when I should be indifferent and when I am letting her walk on me and losing her respect. It’s so hard.

Well dude, she walks all over you. You’ve tried to set healthy boundaries and she constantly violates them, so you have to enforce them. Now, at this point, she’s not changing. Nothing’s changed, and quite frankly, you fold like a cheap deck chair. All she’s got to do is push on you and you fold. Meanwhile, she’s still hot fucking other guys and you’re making excuses, “Oh, I think I could win her back.”

Why? Why would you want to put up with this? She already disturbs your peace and doesn’t care to change. It’s pretty clear that you’re communicating that you’re going to continue to let her get away with it.

What does a man do when his girl has a little attitude?

Well quite frankly, you don’t date women like this. The book is designed, if you actually implemented what was in the book, to bounce women like this out of your life. Yet you keep making excuses for you’re tolerating your behavior. So that communicates to her that she doesn’t need to change anything.

Does he make her apologize? Does he ignore it and not feed it? Does he just make a joke? Do I want her back, or am I just lonely and jealous?

I’d say you’re lonely, jealous and you’re insecure. Deep down, you probably have a limiting belief that says you don’t deserve to have the love you want. So you stay involved with a lunatic like this who just abuses you.

Women that are blowing their top and yelling at you, that’s a deal breaker. You don’t put up with that. You don’t marry somebody like that. You don’t wife up a hoe, you don’t wife up trailer trash. You give them their walking papers. Let the next guy deal with it.

Am I the problem based on what you can read between these lines or is this just too much chaos?

It’s too much chaos. She’s not normal. She’s not healthy again. There’s like, dozens of videos that I did with Katie. We answered all kinds of questions. She’s sweet as pie. Women like that are extremely rare. So are women that were raised in good households.

That should be the standard, easy going, easy to get along with. This woman is the opposite of that, period. You already have enough information. You had eight months with this girl. Nothing changed. While you’re sitting there writing this email, she’s fucking Chad Thundercock and who knows how many other guys.

I want to be so strong a person that she does not leave me in a state of anxiety or anger so often.

Thanks Coach

Bob

That’s why you broke up with her, because her behavior did not change. You need to stick to that. You can’t dump her because of her behavior and then be groveling for her to spend time with you. That makes you look pathetic. That’s the kind of thing that causes her to lose all respect for you, keep you stuck in friend zone and give you blue balls as she dicks you over.

Come on man, have some self respect. Let it go, man. I wouldn’t call or text this woman for any reason I would have. The attitude is like, “Hey, I don’t want to get back together with you until I see some big changes in you. We’re done. You don’t seem to be trying to change anything. All you’re trying to do is go off and fuck other guys and rub them in my face. I’m giving you the opportunity to fix your behavior, so I’ll give you another chance. All you seem to want to do is, ‘Hey look, I can fuck this other guy.’ Great. If you think you can do better than me, then go. Don’t come back. Go hang out with that guy. I’m not going to give you another chance if this is the way you’re going to treat me. Treat me the way I want to be treated or lose my number.” Pretty simple.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.