In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who is a mental health counselor who originally thought he had met the perfect woman for him. The only down side he saw initially was the fact that she had Herpes. He figured if she really was the woman of his dreams that it would be worth the risk to his health. Eventually, she got pregnant and gave birth to their son. They also got engaged. However, he says that as soon as she became pregnant, she completely changed. She became moody, angry, hurtful and manipulative. She started trying to get him to give up his hobbies, stop doing what he loved and basically become what she thought he should become. During this time he was also taking care of his terminally ill mother. She eventually started talking to an ex boyfriend of hers, but lied to him about it. She broke up with him and started dating the ex boyfriend. On one hand, he still wants her back, but on the other he fears getting back together with her and eventually getting Herpes from her. If he were to get Herpes from her and they broke up again, that obviously would have a negative impact on his dating life. He asks my opinion on the situation.
Here is my situation. I think it has two main issues that could help others as well. I’m a 39 year old Mental Health Counselor and stand up comedian. I read your book six times. I have a huge heart, and I am a very honest and loyal guy. (You place a massive level of importance on being loyal. Therefore, the perfect woman for you values loyalty at the same level, above all else.) I started dating a girl in March 2012 — beautiful, valedictorian, law degree and nursing degree, great family and initially very supportive. She seemed amazing. There was only one problem. She has Herpes type 2. She was honest and told me on our first date. She swore if I gave her a chance, she would prove she would be the girl of my dreams. I thought, “Okay. If this is a girl I could see myself marrying, I will risk it.” We took things slow, and her actions matched her words. My mom was diagnosed with cancer several months later. She came to doctor appointments with me and my mom, who had a very rare, aggressive cancer.
We got engaged at Christmas in December, 2012, and talked about having kids since we were 34 and 38. Then, she got pregnant the next month. During this time, my mom was going through chemo, and I was my mom’s only family. I spent my evenings between going to her house, because she was pregnant, and my mom’s house to help her.
As soon as she got pregnant, she changed. She was moody, angry, hurtful, and manipulative. (Obviously, her hormones were changing, but you still shouldn’t have had to tolerate abuse.) She told me I was fat, but I am 5’ 8”/165 lbs., the same weight as when we met. She said I was immature because I have a HUGE Star Wars collection, and that I needed to get rid of my collection, quit doing my radio show and comedy open mic that I host, and get rid of my two large fish tanks because she didn’t like them. (You shouldn’t give up the things that are fascinating and interesting to you. Those things are important to you.) I was hoping it was hormones. She didn’t want to have sex, and said I needed to wait until she had the baby three months in. (She had lost respect for you, had fallen out of love with you, and began to intimidate you.) I admit, I acted too nice and like a bitch because, instead of putting my foot down, she got out of control. Mind you, my mom was terminally ill. I started getting bad anxiety, and would say it was a sign of weakness. She started texting one of her ex’s and said they are just friends, but I knew something was up. I could just feel it. (She is lining up your replacement.) She broke up with me a few months later, and we would be on again and off again — her choice to be off. When we were off one time, I saw she sent an inappropriate text to him. I confronted her, and she apologized. Many times, I think she just wanted a child. When she gets angry, she says very mean things for example, “I only gave you a chance because I had Herpes.” Our son was born last September, and is 15 months now.
We broke up in June. I said I wanted to work it out, but she says we aren’t compatible. I’ve dated eight girls, hooked up with three — two of them on the first date. I still love her. I know she is now dating that ex. She wouldn’t say who, but I went by and saw her car in his driveway. It pisses me off because I was trying to work it out, and I feel like she was just waiting to see if he would give her another chance, as he dumped her six years ago. (You are her backup. You place a high value on loyalty, but she doesn’t. She is not relationship material.) I don’t ever text her first. When I have our son, she constantly texts me. She is very nice to me as a co-parent and seems to want a great friendship. She wants me at family functions and holidays. I don’t have any family here since my mom died. Honestly, we get along really well most of the time, so I don’t understand why she doesn’t want it.
This past Sunday, when I was dropping off our son, she sat next to me on the floor, asked what we did over the weekend, asked me to go on a walk with our son, and at one point got almost nose to nose in kind of a teasing stare down. (She is reaching out, but you are acting indifferent instead of taking advantage of opportunities for sex.) I don’t know if she still loves me or just wants the new guy. However, I’m scared that if we got back together, I would get Herpes, we would break up again, and dating would become very difficult for me. (Exactly.) Also, how can I maintain no contact to build attraction with her if we have a child together? Is she just checking in on him? Or is she doing it for other reasons? (She is putting herself in your orbit, so if you wanted to, you could escalate things and hook up, but she is better suited as a fuck buddy or to have an open relationship with.)
Help me Corey Wayne Kenobi. You’re my only hope.
My response to him:
If it were myself, I would be looking at this situation as if she did you a big favor by breaking up with you. She has a disease, she lies about her ex, she’s dating her ex, and she doesn’t sound like a very happy person. It’s not your job to fix or rescue her. On top of that, she is not supportive of your passions, hobbies or interests. The right woman for you will love what you do and share your interests. She’ll also encourage you to be involved in them and expand them because she knows it makes you happy, and she wants you to be happy. It seems like from your email that you’re sitting around waiting on her to change her mind and want you back, but the bottom line is, she is back together with her ex so she therefore is unavailable. As far as maintaining no contact, you should make all of your arrangements ahead of time with your son, so there’s no reason for you to reach out to her. My personal opinion is, you need to find a woman who has similar goals and values and who is disease free. I see no upside in getting back together with this woman. I see tremendous upside in finding a woman who shares your hobbies and interests and is a good communicator. You are a mental health counselor after all, and should see the value and necessity in being with someone who communicates like an adult.
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
If you feel I have added value to your life, you can show your appreciation by doing one of the following three things:
From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“How does a guy know if he’s with the right woman for him? The right woman will be supportive of his hobbies, interests, goals and most importantly, his mission and purpose in life. Your woman should be your biggest cheerleader and advocate for what you do. A good woman will be proud of you, who you are and what you do. She will encourage you to go for what you really want, take the necessary risks to achieve your goals and become all you are capable of becoming. She will relish in your success and only want you to do things that make you happy. If you ever start to date, or are dating a woman who tries to change you or who tries to get you to give up all of your dreams and everything that is important to you, instead, give her up and get her out of your life ASAP! Otherwise, you’ll only make yourself miserable, she’ll continue to be miserable and you will spend your life living a life that is less than what you are capable of living.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne