Why Your Girl Doesn’t Want To Sleep With You & How To Fix It

How to turn your woman on so she wants to sleep with you again.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has been married for 10 years and they have three kids together. He is a successful doctor and everything is great in his marriage except their sex life. They sometimes go months without having sex and it seems like a chore for her instead of her wanting and enjoying it. He fantasizes about other women and feels guilty about it.

He asks what he can do. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Well, this particular email is from a doctor. He’s been married for 10 years. They have three kids together. He’s very successful. He said he’s a millionaire. Does great. Career is great. His wife’s a great woman, great mother. However, they sometimes go months without having sex, and when they do have sex, it seems like a chore for her. Basically, as soon as they finish, she jumps right off right away. She doesn’t want to lay there and be held or cuddle. It’s like, “OK, look at the time.” She puts out and gives him a release. It’s like he has to beg and grovel for it. The problem is, he sounds like a loyal guy, but it’s frustrating him because his balls are about to explode, basically, and he finds himself fantasizing about other women, looking at other women, just because his wife basically doesn’t want to fuck him anymore. So they’re basically roommates.

At some point, because again, I’ve been doing this 20 years and people come to me when they’re having problems, and it’s the same reasons always over and over and over again. Guys stop dating and courting their wives or their girlfriends, and they usually stop making them feel heard and understood, or they don’t know how to make them feel heard and understood. So they end up with what they call a dead bedroom. So the reason why, and I’ve discussed this with the girls in the podcast, guys show up in the live stream and they have these issues. They’re like, “My girlfriend doesn’t want to sleep with me. Why doesn’t my wife want to sleep with me anymore?” The simple reason is they don’t feel safe with you. That’s why, because you’re not consistently leading and constantly in your masculine. As I often say, and as listed in the book, when a woman feels heard and understood, the legs will open. When she doesn’t, the legs are gonna close. If the legs are closed, you’re probably not hanging out, having fun, and hooking up together. You’re probably not going on dates. You’re probably just busy with your career. You come home and you basically become roommates.

This is what happens to most couples. You see these couples walking around and both of them are obese and their kids are obese. I was eating lunch yesterday, and I saw a morbidly obese woman walking their kids behind her, and the husband was the caboose. He’s like waddling down the road. I’m looking at them and I’m just going, “There is no way those guys are having sex.” I don’t see how it would be physically possible. They’re having a hard time walking as it is and they’re so fat. I just can’t see how physically they would be able to do it. So you look at that and you just think that relationship probably ended a long time ago and they’re just roommates at this point. I mean, 74% of all Americans are either overweight or obese, and they’re typically not happy enough to do anything about it. So this guy is wondering what to do about it.

So again, typically what I see in my coaching phone sessions with clients, plus in the emails, it’s the same two reasons over and over again, thousands and thousands of times. I’ve seen this confirmed every continent, every country around the globe. I’ve had people that I’ve coached, and it’s the same thing. Doesn’t matter. The culture’s different, doesn’t matter. The language is different. If you don’t date and court your girlfriend or your wife, somebody else eventually will. I mean, just look at Tom Brady. Look what happened to him. He neglected his wife. Eventually she tapped out and started banging the jiu-jitsu guy, then ran off with him, married him and had a kid with him in a very public, nasty way. She humiliated her husband, her family, and her kids for that matter, because she did it to everybody, which was very selfish. I don’t agree with the way she went about it, but it just shows that she’s a person of low character. It is what it is. That’s like the worst case type of scenario, is that your woman just embarrasses you publicly with a new romance like that, that happens behind your back, and she doesn’t feel any guilt or remorse.

So what you have to do is you always have to be the leader, because the other thing that I often see guys do is that they slowly become a people-pleaser, and they acquiesce to when the wife complains, “Oh, you’re staying out. You’re spending too much time with your friends. That poker night really cuts into family time. If you were home more, you could help the kids with their homework. You know, if you gave up that stupid hobby of yours and didn’t spend so much time in the garage, the tool shed, or your man cave, you’d be a better father and spend more time with your kids.” So a guy hears things like that over and over again. He’s like, “Well, you know what? She doesn’t like the guys I play poker with anyways. She thinks a couple of them are womanizers. So I’ll just stop playing poker and then she won’t bitch about it anymore and everything will be better.” So they do that, and she doesn’t bitch about the poker night anymore, but then she bitches about something else. So 10 years later, all their hobbies, all their interests, their friendships, they’re just gone because they gave it all up to please her, and she’s still pissed off and she’s still unhappy, and they don’t take the time to make her feel heard and understood.

One of the best things a guy can do, especially if you’re a working professional and your girl is at home with the kids being a stay-at-home mom, maybe you’re homeschooling your kids as well, is when you walk in the door, no matter how stressful life has been, you want to be happy to see the kids, you say hello to the puppies, and you say to your girl, “Hey babe, how was your day? Tell me about your day.” Even if you’ve had the worst fucking day, you still gotta show up, because that’s what being a man’s all about. If you want somebody to cry to, go cry to your therapist, your guy friends. Don’t bring your problems home to your woman because she’s not set up to deal with it. She should be your escape. She should be your joy. So when you come home, you focus on her. “Hey babe, how was your day? What did I miss?” And get her to talk. Women tend to say about 8,000 words in a day and us guys tend to say about 2,000 words. Women are natural talkers, and they solve their problems by talking about them. This is laid out in detail in my book.

I also did a short video, 10, 12 minutes. I think it was, How To Communicate With Women Effectively, which is also referenced in the book. So it would be good to read the book and understand how attraction works, because when you go through the book, there’s going to be a lot of things in there that are going to jump out at you and you’re going to realize, “Oh man, I’ve been doing all that,” because if your wife is not turned on and she doesn’t want to touch you, it’s because she doesn’t feel safe, because you’re not totally in your masculine and you’re not taking care of things, she doesn’t feel heard and understood. I could talk to your wife in five minutes and know exactly what you need to do to fix it, but when you got a dead bedroom, she doesn’t seem to be interested, and she basically throws you a few mercy fucks a year, that’s not a good situation. That’s kind of humiliating.

If you follow what’s in my book, your wife is going to be tearing your clothes off and wanting sex more than you. If that’s not the case, then you need to read the book and you need to apply it. The couple that plays together, stays together. Women want to be in a love story. When you got kids, you should, every two weeks, at the least, ideally once a week, you should have a date night with just two of you. Get grandma and grandpa, get a babysitter, somebody you trust, and the two of you need to go out and have fun together, because if you know the whole formula is hang out, have fun while you’re hanging out, and when the signs are there, she’s ready to be touched, kissed and seduced, then you seduce her. The seduction comes at the end. The hanging out, the making the date, and having fun, the communicating, getting her to talk, having fun on the date that leads to her being opened up, that leads to her talking about things. Then you’ll notice she’ll start playing with her hair more, touching your arms, sitting close, starts bumping into you physically. You can slowly reciprocate and then seduce her at the end of the evening. You just have to do these things. It’s not negotiable.

So again, the two biggest issues: The guy stops dating and courting his girlfriend or wife, and he doesn’t take the time to make her feel heard and understood. Something you can do immediately when you come home every day, and it has to happen every day despite what’s going on in your world or how bad things are, “Hey babe, how was your day? It’s good to see you. Tell me about it. What did I miss?” And that will start the process. Having dinner with her. Get her to talk after the kids go to bed. Get her to talk. “How’d that make you feel? Oh, really? What happened next? Oh, wow. Your mother said what? Oh, my God.” You got to spend time doing those things, because as she feels heard and understood, she’s going to feel close to you and she’s going to want to get it on. If she basically doesn’t want to touch you and says, “I’m not in the mood,” it’s like she’s checked out and given up because you just don’t take the time to do those little things. On top of that, maybe you’re not very good in bed because he said both of them, as you’ll see, it’s not a very long email, we’re virgins when they met.

So something that’s really important, super important in a relationship, is when you look at statistically, relationships that go the distance that last multiple decades, and the couples really love each other and really have a good time, they’re having sex at least two to three times a week. Ideally three, no less than two. That’s just across the board. That’s what happens. When it’s less than that, it usually ends in divorce, affairs, or cheating. So you got to control the controllables, which is your behavior, and the book will teach you what you need to do, what you need to do differently to be the most attractive husband that you can be. So when you come home and you’re like, “Hey babe, how are you?” And she jumps into your arms, that’s what you want. If you walk in the door and she’s like, “Oh, not him again,” you got problems. You got to get to the fundamentals. Hang out, have fun, and hook up.

The other thing is, when you’re having sex, you got to know how to please your wife. I did a video a couple weeks ago. I can’t remember the title of it right now off the top of my head. Maybe somebody can put it in the comments about how to be great in bed, basically, or How To Improve In The Bedroom, something like that. I went through a lot of tips, a lot of things that you can do. Something that’s really helpful is some nice water soluble warming massage oil, which Walgreens has a really good version. It’s a little bottle about this tall. It’s clear, it’s nice, and slippery, it’s warm. So it’s great for giving massages and it’s fucking better than K-Y jelly. It’s really great stuff and it’s nice and warming.

So you take the time, you put some candles in the bedroom, say, “Babe, I’m gonna give you a massage.” Lay some towels out on your bed, obviously take the comforter and stuff off and put some candles, some nice music. “I just want you to relax, honey.” Then you just give her an all over body massage. Maybe a half hour, 45 minutes, maybe an hour, just making her feel good. Obviously she should be completely naked. As you are giving her a massage, you occasionally bump the clitoris or her nipples, and it’s like an anticipation. You’re massaging her legs, her inner thighs, her butt and her back, and eventually you’re going to get to the clitoris. The idea is you want to make her cum. If you make your girl cum every time you have sex, she’s going to really enjoy it. If you orgasm together, it’s going to bring you closer. If you’re just having sex, you cum inside her, and she doesn’t orgasm, she’s not really going to be enjoying it. There’s a book called She Comes First, which again, I believe I referenced in that video. It’s probably been about two weeks, I think, since I did that video, and I believe it’s a Members Only video like this one just because it was pretty graphic what I was talking about.

You should learn to do the things that are in there, because if every time you come home, you open up your wife, and when the kids go to bed, you make her cum like a waterfall multiple times, she’s going to look forward to having sex with you and that is what you want. There’s also the Better Sex video series, which has been around like 20 plus years. I think it’s probably all digital online now. In the old days it used to be on DVDs, but it’s very good. The models are not very attractive, but they’re great at demonstrating the techniques and how to sexually please your wife.

So I’d watch the video, She Comes First, get yourself some warming massage oil from Walgreens. Not all the stores tend to have it. Usually you have to order it online. Like, I’ll order a bunch of bottles at once. Like I said, it’s a massage. Warming oil. It’s a clear bottle with a white top. Again, Walgreens has it. You can usually find it online on their website and have it shipped to you. That stuff is amazing. I don’t like the oil ones just because the oil gets everywhere and the water soluble is nice because it’ll wash right off you, but the oil one, it’s a lot more difficult to get massage oil off. So the water based one is incredible.

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

I hope you’re doing well. I’ve been following your work for about two years and really appreciate the perspective you share. 

I wanted to ask for your thoughts on something personal. I’ve been married for 10 years and we have three kids.

Well, first and foremost, you’ve been following me for two years. Have you read the book 10 to 15 times? If you’re just cherry-picking in videos, you’ve been following me for two years, and you’re still only getting laid every couple of months, you’re not actually taking my work seriously, and you’re definitely not applying it. So not much has improved. You’ve been following me for two years, yet you only have sex every couple of months. You got to take this shit seriously, dude. This is your life. This is your family. I certainly wouldn’t be coming home and dealing with everything, having a family, having kids, and then putting up with a dead bedroom. I’m sure you’ve probably heard some of these things in the past, but for whatever reason, you’ve been too lazy, too scared or too afraid to implement them.

The couple that plays together, stays together. That’s really important. You got to be having fun. Women want to be in a love story. When’s the last time you even took your wife out on a date? When’s the last time you tried to take her through the seduction process in the book? Again, my guess is that you’re probably a busy guy and you’re just trying to cherry-pick videos, and that’s just not going to work. You got to take this seriously.

My wife is wonderful, loyal, kind, smart, and a great mother. In almost every way our marriage is strong, and I truly value the life we’ve built together.

The main struggle is around intimacy. Her sex drive is much lower than mine, and we can sometimes go months without being intimate.

Well, the reason her sex drive is lower is she doesn’t feel safe with you. If you were really applying what’s in the book and taking it seriously, unless she has some kind of a physical issue, she’d be wanting to fuck all the time. So maybe you’re just not very good in bed and she doesn’t enjoy having sex with you. Again, that’s why I suggested watching the video, How To Improve Your Performance In The Bedroom, something like that. It’s only like probably about two weeks ago I did that.

I would ideally like to have sex around twice a week, but it often feels like I have to put in a lot of effort just to make it happen, and even then she doesn’t seem to enjoy it. It feels more like a chore for her.

Well, that tells me you don’t know how to get your wife off and you’re not good at it, because if you were really good in bed, she’d love having sex with you, but you gotta make her feel heard and understood as well. You can’t be one of those selfish guys that just wants to get on top and beat up her pelvis and blow your water, and then you just walk away going, “Well, that was great for me.”

The book, She Comes First, it’s much better if you make her cum first multiple times, maybe doing a little cunnilingus, maybe fingering her a little bit, make her cum a few times, then you have penetrative sex and then make her cum a few more times. She really enjoys having sex with you, massaging each other, and being naked together, and feels close to you because you’re being the man in the family, the leader of the household. You’re planning dates. You’re handling things. This would be a non-issue for you.

As soon as we are done she jumps off from top. 

We both come from a Middle Eastern background and were virgins when we married, so neither of us had much experience going into the relationship. I’m 39 and she’s 37, and I don’t know if this difference in desire is something that can realistically change.

Again, dude, you got to read the book. If you just keep cherry-picking videos and making the half-ass effort that you’ve been making, it’s not going to get any better.

I am a medical doctor earning $1 million and making me desirable to other women. 

Well, at the end of the day, if you don’t fix this with your wife, if you don’t become a better lover, if you don’t open her up, if you don’t date and court her properly, blue balls is going to be a way of life.

At times I’ve felt so frustrated and “backed up” that I’ve turned to porn for release and caught myself fantasizing about other women, which makes me feel guilty and disconnected from who I want to be as a husband.

Well, think about it. You’re putting all this time in a watching porn and jerking off, but you’re not willing to read the fucking book. Your marriage ain’t worth it. Your kids ain’t worth it. Your sex life ain’t worth it. It’s like seriously, dude, all the time you spent in college and in your residency to become a medical doctor, reading books, learning, studying, and you approach one of the most important things in your life and you’re like, “Yeah, ain’t got time to read that book.” It’s like, come on, dude! Seriously…

My question is: When everything else in a marriage is good, is this kind of mismatch a reason to consider ending it?

Well, you got to control the controllables. Read the book 10 to 15 times and apply it, because cherry-picking videos ain’t working for you after two years. This is as good as it’s gotten. You’re not taking this seriously.

And more importantly, how can I approach this in a way that helps her feel safe, desired, and actually interested in intimacy again? Thank you for taking the time to read this. I’d really value your guidance.

Best,

Bob

You got a date and court your wife. Again, this is laid out in the book. Cherry-picking videos and looking for a quick fix is not working for you, bro, because if you don’t fix this, eventually you’re going to probably cheat on your wife. You know, just in the career that you’re in, you’re going to have a lot of freaky nurses that are going to want to get down with you.

So when you want to be a good husband, clean up everything you can clean up, clean up all the behavior and then see how things go. Every guy I’ve ever talked to or taught this stuff to that’s actually been a good student has completely turned around their sex life. I haven’t had one single client in 20 fucking years that listen to what I said and still didn’t get the results. So you’re listening to what I’m saying, but you’re not actually applying it. You’re definitely have not read the book because just the fact that you’re asking this question just shows you don’t understand how attraction works. You don’t understand how to seduce a woman. You don’t understand when it’s appropriate to touch her and when it’s not. You don’t know when she’s open and you don’t know when she’s closed to it.

So if I were you, I’d pull my head out of my ass and take reading the book seriously because again, you took reading books seriously when you were in college because you didn’t have a choice. You wouldn’t pass the class. Here you are, flailing in your marriage and not being a very good lover and not being a very good husband, and you’re not even willing to read the book that will teach you what you need to do. So maybe you don’t care about your wife that much. Maybe you’re already checked out, I don’t know, but at the end of the day, if you’re really serious about turning things around, you got to spend the time with the book. There’s no shortcuts to success. There are no shortcuts to becoming a medical doctor. So the question is, why were you willing to put in the time to be a great medical doctor, and your wife and your family is just not worth it? That doesn’t make any fucking sense. Come on, man! You can do better.

If you’re the emailer who sent this in, after you read the book several times, you’re still unclear you can afford it, you should invest in yourself and book a phone session with me, and we can really drill down on this stuff and go into detail, and you can tell me exactly what’s going on, what you’re doing, and how she reacts, what happens when you touch her, when you’re trying to touch her, how often you go out on dates, how your conversations are flowing. We can really get into detail in depth on that if you really want to save your marriage.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.