Will She Come Back? Can We Work This Out?

How to know if she will come back & if it’s possible to work things out.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who only listened to 3% Man a few times and admits he cherry picks videos for information. In early March he met a girl he had a strong connection with that was electric. She brought up being exclusive and he ignored this several times. Then he canceled a couples trip with her friends because he lost his job. After that she slowly backed away and started ignoring him. He started to over pursue and she broke things off.

He wants to know if she will come back and if they can work things out. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a viewer who says he only listened to 3% Man a few times, and he admits he’s been a cherry picker for information. He says it might be why, “I’m struggling with this particular girl.”

In March of this year, which we’re in 2024 still, we are in end of July 2024. He met a girl, Cuban, really beautiful, had a strong connection with her. So during their dating, she brought up being exclusive several times, but he ignored it because he said he wasn’t really over a bad breakup that he had, and he wanted to wait a little longer to become exclusive, but he basically interacted with her like they were boyfriend and girlfriend and started doing group dates and other things, which he shouldn’t have done until they were exclusive. His game is a little sloppy.

So I guess she had this trip planned with some other couples and she invited him to go and he said yes. Then at the last minute, he lost his job. He’s in the tech industry. He didn’t want to spend the money, so he backed out and she got pretty mad because now she’s going to go and basically be a fifth wheel with two other couples that she’s going with. She started to back back off. Then he started to over-pursue, call and double text. Then she broke things off, stating that they should have been exclusive sooner. Then he said, “Well, I actually wanted to bring up being exclusive next time we got together, because I wanted to do it in person.” Then she sent what looked like crying emojis back to him, and he hasn’t heard from her since, because she basically broke it off at that point. Now he’s like, “Is she going to come back? Are we going to work things out?” So he wants my opinion.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach,

I’ve listened to you audio-book a handful of times but to be completely honest it has been a while. I do cherry pick videos regularly which is probably why I slipped up.

Well, you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. All I can do is tell you guys what to do, and if you want to take shortcuts to success when you slip up, I mean at least the guy admits it, but you got to learn the fundamentals. Your game will be a lot smoother and you just won’t be making little mistakes here and there. It’s just unnecessary. It’s like trying to run a race and then tying your shoelaces together. It’s not going to go well.

You’re welcome to use this if you would like.

I live in Houston and in early march a met a beautiful Cuban girl. From the start, we had a connection and it was electric. 

Fast forward to early may, she is head over heels in love with me. At this point in time I have been introduced to her family and have become close with all of them because we share similar interests. Her Dad and cousin asked if we were official and we haven’t had that conversation yet but it was obvious we both shared strong feelings. On the spot, we said we were figuring things out still. 

Well, if the dad is saying, “Hey, you guys serious? You’re exclusive yet?” You’d be like, “Well, she hasn’t asked me to be her boyfriend, but she’s been kind of hinting at it.” So I don’t know. “What are you thinking? Are you trying to lock me down yet?” I mean, you can have some fun while you’re there. “Well, dad seems to want us to be exclusive. What do you think about that?” Have some fun with it, because if you’re like, “Ahhh,” and you’re trying to dodge it and change the subject, it looks kind of weird and awkward. Then if you’re talking to her father and he’s going to kind of think, “This guy’s just banging my daughter. He doesn’t really give a shit.” That’s where you run the risk of now turning the dad and the cousin against you.

The next two weeks, she made little jokes about how she’s not my girlfriend yet, but I know she is trying to let me know she is ready for a relationship. At the time I was still healing from my previous relationship which was with a toxic female. Like a dumb cherry picker I brushed her jokes off and I wanted a little more time to feel ready my self for a commitment. I know, I should have communicated I wanted a little more time.

Yep, communicate. The quality of your relationships is in direct proportion to the quality of the questions that you consistently ask each other. So she’s hinting and you’re dodging and weaving. You dodged and weave with the dad. Again, if it was my daughter and I asked you a question like that and you dodge and weave and then she hints at it and you ignore it, then you’re going to start to give the idea that you’re just after the box, you just want the free box. “Hey, why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”

As a man, if you got a daughter, I mean I’ve been a stepdad to a daughter. When I was younger, it’s like no man’s going to want some dude jacking around his girl. If you’re wasting her time, it’s like, “Fucking get lost or I’ll put my foot up your ass.” That’s how a dad’s going to think.

After a couple attempts, I could tell she was backing away, as you would expect. I decided I was ready and I was going to wait for her to bring up a relationship again and I would make us official. 

Fast forward to June…

So now it’s three months of dating.

…And we had a couple’s weekend planned with her best friend, brother, cousin, and their S.O.s at a cabin. I was recently laid off (I work in tech sales) so I stayed home instead of spending the extra money.

Yeah, if you commit to go on a plan like that with their family and then you just back out for cash, it’s like you got to keep your word. That’s not going to make a woman feel safe, because then she’s told everybody, she’s told her whole family and then you don’t want to go? Even if it’s for saving money, it’s going to look like, “Yeah, she’s not that important to me. I don’t really give a shit about her.” So everybody’s gonna be like, “You’ve been dating this guy three months, and he backed out after he said he was going to go? What a dick.” If I was a dad, I’d be like, “What a dick. You could do better than that. That’s fucking rude. Guy should keep his word.” If it was my daughter, that’s what I’d be telling her.

I have dogs as well so it gets expensive quick.

Yeah, women are going to look at your actions and how your actions made them feel. So now she’s got egg all over her face because probably everybody’s expecting her to go and then you just blow her off, it’s like,”Oh you’re just not that important to that guy. You’re just a booty call for him.” She comes from a good family, and she trusts her dad and admires and respects him. He’s not going to be down for that. He’s not going to like you.

This hurt her feelings and embarrassed her…

Yeah. What was I just saying?

…Because now she had to third wheel everyone. I didn’t see her till the following weekend after and everything seemed fine. Lots of sex, romance, and talk about the future.

Again, it just looks like she’s a booty call to you.

That next week, we only talked a little over phone which is normal as we are both busy. On Friday after work hours, I tried calling her and no answer, that’s OK. A few hours later, I texted her saying when she is free to call me and that I wanted to talk.

“I want to talk.” That’s like, “We should talk.” When you say something like that to a woman, it freaks her out, makes her think that you don’t care, you’re about to break up with her. You should be confident, after everything that’s gone on after three months, to call and leave a message and just wait to hear back from her. Now you’re double texting, so it shows your little needy and a little neurotic. It’s like you’re kind of coming unglued a little bit here at the end.

I was going to bring up being exclusive because my gut said the time was up. I never got a response. The next day, I text her and asked if she was OK as that was the only Friday we haven’t spent not together other than her trip.

Well, stonewalling you and blowing you off, the damage is kind of done. Especially if she’s a family-oriented girl and she’s tight with her family, again, if it was my my daughter, I’d be like, “Fuck that guy.”

An hour later, she texts me apologizing for ignoring me and said she has been scared to confront me.

Yeah, you don’t ever tell a woman, “Hey, we need to talk.” That sounds like you’re going to dump her or break up with her.

After her trip she hasn’t felt the same about us and that we have been dating more than three months and she can’t see us going anywhere. That skipping the trip hurt her feeling’s because she has been looking forward to it for a while and it was supposed to be OUR trip.

Yeah, you made her feel like she wasn’t special. You just made her feel like it was just the girl you were banging, and you didn’t think she was worth it to spend money on. Even though you lost your job, you would committed to it.

She said we have been stuck in a sex friends type relationship which is not what she wants or was looking for.

In other words, what have I been saying all along? You made her feel like a booty call. That’s OK if it’s just a booty call, but just the way you look to her and her family especially? Bad way to go, my man.

Her English isn’t perfect. I responded addressing her concerns and explained how I actually want to be with her officially and that I was just waiting for the right time. I told her I wanted to see her and we can talk but we can do it when she is ready. She responded with just two emojis.

It was like crying emojis. One with kind of a smiley face crying and the other one with a smiley face upside down frown.

I asked what that meant and if she can explain. That was the last text I have received from her and it has been two days.

That’s pretty rude. She’s doing that on purpose. That’s passive aggressive behavior, and she should not be doing that. So that tells me she’s emotionally maybe a little screwed up because that’s not normal. Then again, we don’t know what’s transpiring between her dad and her cousins, because again, you got involved with everybody and you made yourself look like an ass to all of them.

I’m worried she convinced herself I was a bad option because I only wanted sex from her and she is done.

Might be.

Maybe she just wants space.

Well, dating is like tennis. You hit the ball over the net and you got to wait for her to hit it back. So I would just let it be, wait to hear from her. Then when you do make a date, she can come over, you can apologize, and you definitely should talk about the lake thing and say, “I thought about that and it was wrong,” and maybe you should make it up to her by taking her there, or maybe give her the money for whatever her cost was in that, and probably next time you see her father, you should probably pull him aside and just have a talk with him and just say, “I talked with your daughter, and she almost made it feel like I wasn’t serious or I wasn’t that into her. Maybe you got that impression. I’m sorry if I gave you guys that impression. It’s just I had a really bad, toxic girlfriend before this, and I just wanted to take my time. Unfortunately, I didn’t articulate my thoughts and my feelings very well, and I probably made your daughter feel like I didn’t give a shit about her. I’m sorry if I made her feel that way. I’m sorry if I made you feel like I didn’t care about your daughter. That’s not it at all. I could tell she wanted to be serious, and I just wasn’t ready after everything that happened. Then with me not going on the trip, I fucked up there. I should have been a man of my word. I committed to it, and she told everybody and I made myself look like an ass and probably made her look bad and it hurt her feelings. I’m sorry.”

So you definitely probably owe her father an apology as well, because you want him on your team. If you discuss that with him, be like, “Hey, I appreciate you saying that,” and now dad’s on your team instead of that fucking that little silver dick that’s just banging my daughter for the access to the free box. You got to think about these things when you involve mom and dad.

I haven’t reached out again because I said we can talk once she is ready.

Yeah, you got to be congruent with those words.

She is a good girl from a good family, I don’t think there is another guy. Do you think she will come back and we will work it out?

I would imagine I would say the chances are probably 55% that she’ll come back, but it’s possible that she doesn’t. I don’t know, the damage may be done, but I just let it be. You told her, “Hey, when you feel ready, get in touch.” You let her know that you had serious intentions, and the two emojis, the smiley face, she was happy that you told her, but she’s also sad because who knows, maybe she was, “He’s such a jerk, daddy. He was so mean to me. He didn’t show up on the trip,” and dad was probably like, “Yeah, fuck that guy.” So now for her to go back to her family, “Hey, guess what? We made up. Everything’s great.” That’s why I said if you guys do get back together, I would invite her over to your place to make dinner together and you’re going to have to apologize for how you made her feel, how you hurt her feelings, how what you did was rude and selfish.

I would also say, “I need to probably talk to your dad as well as your dad probably thinks I’m a fucking douche after what I did. I wasn’t thinking about it at the time, but I want him to understand where I was coming from. I just wanted to go slow because I was still healing from what happened with the last girl that I was with. Now I look at everything, I made myself look like a dickhead in front of everybody, especially your family and your father, and that’s not OK. I want to talk to your dad about it,” and that should be something that you do in person. You know, she’s like, “I’ll call him now,” I’d be like, “No, I want to do it in person. So maybe we should pick a time when your dad’s around and we can go hang out anf I can pull him aside and talk to him man-to-man, and apologize for how I treated you or how it looked like I was treating you. It was not my intent at all. I wanted to take my time because I got burned really bad. You’ve been great, your family’s been great, and it was kind of overwhelming, but now I look at it as like, I fucked up. Sorry, babe.”

For now I am in no contact and applying the 7 Principles. I need some advice before I screw this up for good.

Thanks Coach!

Bob

Well Bob, you probably want to review this video a few times, but if she reaches back out, that would be a good sign. Invite her over to your place to make dinner together, and you can talk about all these things and you can apologize. Also, you should say, “I want to get together with your father as soon as possible and talk to him man-to-man and apologize to him for how things looked. It was not my intent to look that way at all.” That will go a huge way with her and especially the dad.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.