Without passion for each other when dating, it’s not going anywhere unless you plan on settling for average.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been dating a woman for about four months now. He says he lets her do 80-90% of the contact initiation between dates and he sees her about once per week. He recently brought up where she thought the relationship was going when drunk texting her.
They talked after making love a few days later when they were sober, and they both agreed to keep it casual because she is still healing from past relationship trauma. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
There’s one glaring thing that he seems to miss, because obviously, if you guys are familiar with How To Be A 3% Man and the fact that, typically, if you follow what’s in here and a woman’s really into you, and considering she’s a normal, happy, healthy woman, she should be in love with you by week seven or week eight and wanting to be exclusive. And by the time you’re at week seven or week eight, if there’s mutual passion and enthusiasm, you’re not going to be seeing each other once per week; you’re going to be seeing each other several times a week. She’ll probably be staying at your place, you’ll be staying at hers. That’s just the natural progression of things.
And so, when you get four months down the road and you’re still seeing each other once a week, obviously, something is missing. And the reality is most people in the world settle in every area of their lives. The thing to keep in mind is the title of the book is “Winning the Heart of the Woman of Your Dreams,” not somebody that has average mediocre to low interest in you.
You want somebody that has genuine, sincere, mutual enthusiasm. Because without enthusiasm for anything, whether it’s taking care of your body, or advancing in your career, or starting a business, or when you’re in college and going to school to get your degree, you’ve got to have an emotionally compelling reason why you’re there.
It’s the same thing with friends, and it’s the same thing with women you date. You’ve got to have enthusiasm, you’ve got to have passion for each other, because if you don’t have enthusiasm and passion, you’re never going to put your best foot forward. You’re never going to put your heart and soul into it.
I’d like to hear your opinion on a certain situation I’m in. First of all, I’d like to thank you for teaching me how to better understand women and be a better man. I have watched many of your videos, and as of now have read your book, 3% Man, 5 times – on my way to 15.
It’s a good start. The idea is you don’t want to settle for the first girl that comes along. You’ll know. Just think about it, your closest friends, the people that you click with the most, it’s easy, it’s effortless. You love hanging out together, you have a blast together. Do you really want to have somebody that’s your intimate partner, and you both are just kind of like, “Eh, it’s okay”?
I mean, lots of people settle for that. And if that makes them happy, fine, but we’re all about peak performance here. We’re about having an exceptional life in all areas of your life, not just being average and following the herd, like most people are doing. Because the reality is most people have a herd mentality.
Here’s a situation I’d like you to share with you. I’ve been dating this woman for about 4 months now, and we’ve been having a lot of fun. I never over pursue her, I let her do 80-90% of reaching out and I set one date a week. When I ask for her availability, sometimes she waits a day to get back to me, but more often than not, responds straight away and pretty much gives me her schedule for the entire week so I can pick a day that suits me the most.
So, did that just jump out at you? This is after four months of dating. Remember, the title of the book is the “Woman of Your Dreams.” This is somebody that knocks your socks off and who feels the same way about you. And so, after four months of dating, he texts her to see when she’s available, and she waits a day or more to get back to him. Does that sound like a woman who’s like, “Oh, I can’t wait to see you. I miss you!”? Or do you think that’s a woman that’s like, “Eh, do I really like this guy? Eh, do I really want to see him?” After four months of dating, that’s what you get, “Eh.” Check, please!
On each of our dates we’re having tons of fun, (each date includes one or two sessions of the good ol’ indoor Olympics) – can’t complain.
Hey, women like sex too.
This girl seems to have a problem with showing affection through her words. This is something she has shared with me, as she needs time to get comfortable enough with someone to start doing that due to some trauma and bad relationships she’s been in the past.
You want a happy, whole, complete, normal woman, not somebody that’s got a truckload of issues that need to be fixed. If a woman’s really into you and she’s passionate for you, if the sexual anticipation is there, she’s not going be able to keep her hands off you. She’s going to be touching you and be close to you. And if you’re having conversations with her complaining that she’s not affection enough, it’s because she’s not feeling it. Or, she’s messed up, it’s one of the two.
If she’s a normal woman and she doesn’t want to touch you, then what does that tell you? She’s just not that into you. Is that the kind of person that you really want to be with, and have a family with, and raise your kids and show them that? You end up becoming roommates after that, and then you’re in a loveless, sexless marriage. A lot of guys do that.
Even though at the end of the day showing affection through words is quite important to me, I never put pressure on her to say anything, as I know that I should pay attention to her actions and not her words anyway.
Well, her actions show that she’s just not that into you. You’re not setting her soul on fire. She’s not dying to see you. After four months, she’s cool with just once a week? And then on top of that, when you text her to try to set a date, she might wait a day or so to even reply?
And her actions showed me her level of comfort growing and her level of attraction being high. With each date she’s more affectionate as far as cuddling, asking me to hold her in my arms, kissing me, etc. Again, can’t complain.
I personally wouldn’t be dating a woman that after four months, it’s fine with just seeing me once a week. That’s a waste of time, unless you’re cool with having no passion. And a lot of people, they settle for that and they become roommates. Everybody watching this has plenty of people they know in their lives that are married and they’re just kind of roommates. Thanks, but no thanks.
However, since I’m still in a process of learning, I have made a bad mistake. I was out with some friends for drinks, and I started texting with her. She was also out with her friends, and we were both drunk. Somehow the subject of ‘where is this going’ came up, and yeah, I initiated that.
It’s not ‘somehow’ that it came out. You brought it up. Because, obviously, on some level, you know, especially if you’ve been through the book five times, that she should be a lot more affectionate, and a lot more into you, and pursuing you more and harder. But her actions are the actions of a woman who’s just going along with it because it’s good for now.
Thankfully, right after I did this I had a ‘come on man’ moment and I said that we shouldn’t talk about it now, but some time in person and with less alcohol involved.
Long story short, we met recently and I thought that since the topic already came up it would be good to have that conversation, as though if I brought it up when tipsy, and now avoided or forgot about it, it would make me weak. So, while we were lying in bed after sex one time,
Which is always a good time to have serious conversations, instead of over the phone.
I brought this whole topic up and essentially told her that I like spending time with her, I like how things are and I like the way things are going. I can potentially see it going somewhere, but I don’t want to rush into anything, and I want things to stay the way they are now. Let’s continue seeing each other and have fun. If it eventually turns into something more, good, but no pressure.
She essentially said she feels the same way, then asked me not to look at it as a huge red flag and told me she’s still not fully healed after her previous relationship and doesn’t want any label in her life now, to which I agreed.
She just doesn’t want a label with you. That’s the reality. This woman has no passion for you. There’s no sign of it, there’s no evidence of it, and you know something is off. And after four months, that’s why you brought it up, wondering, ‘where is this going?’ Because you’re thinking, “Man, by now she should be all over me.”
Because the reality is, when you start dating and you’re just dating once per week, the woman — and usually, it’s the second or third week after you start sleeping together — she starts texting you, or calling you in between dates, or messaging about innocuous things. And then you can just set another date, or invite them over to make dinner together, or to hang out, or to have Netflix and chill or whatever.
But that’s not obviously happening. You don’t have to go out on an official date once a week and make a big production of it. But the reality is, if she’s waiting a day to even reply when he brings up getting together, she’s not really that excited to see him.
I also told her that I’m not going to feel obligated to prove to her that I’m not the way her previous partner was and that I’m just going to be myself and continue doing what I’ve been doing.
Well, quite frankly, if it was me, I would still be dating other women. Like I said, she’s not making you feel like she’s really passionate for you, and you should want a dream woman, not just some average chick that you’re trying to figure out why she’s not doing the things that the book suggests a woman that’s really into you would be doing.
You just look at her actions and go, “Yeah, she’s not that into me. We’re kind of average friends with benefits. There’s no real passion or fire. She takes a day to get back to me when I text her about setting dates, so she’s not doing back flips and not enthusiastic about seeing me.” Therefore, you should be enthusiastic about seeing other women who are enthusiastic about you.
Then lastly, after we agreed we want things to continue how they are, I told her that if she feels like she needs space or things are moving too fast for her…
Come on, man.
…she can let me know and I have no problem with taking a break from seeing her, to which she agreed and asked me to do the same if that’s how I feel. After that, we changed the subject and spent the rest of the night having fun mixed with a lot of tenderness.
My question is, have I handled the situation correctly, and what would you suggest I should do going forward?
Quite frankly, I would just consider her one of your prospects in your dating Rolodex, or your rotation. If it was me, this kind of shit doesn’t excite me. This is the kind of thing, when you haven’t had much success with women in your life that you convince yourself, “Oh, this is the way it’s supposed to be,” as opposed to going, “I want a woman who’s excited to see me. Like, when I put my hands down her pants, her pussy is fucking dripping wet, and she can’t wait to tear my clothes off and her clothes off and get to it when we haven’t seen each other in a day or two.” After four months, there’s just no passion there. She’s not that into it.
There may be other things that you’ve been doing wrong, but if I look at her actions based on this email, she’s just not that into you. And so, based on your conversation, there’s no strings attached, which that’s actually a great place to be with a woman with mediocre interest in you. And so, if I were you, I would definitely be looking to date and hook up with other women.
Because when you don’t have a lot of experience, you don’t know what you don’t know. And women that are really into you will make it really easy to be together and spend a lot of time together. And they’re going to make you feel wanted when you get together. They’re gonna be excited to see you. They’re going to jump in your arms, and grab you, and hug you, and kiss you, and wrap their legs around you and be passionate about you. And there’s just none of that here.
So, if I were you, you’re a free agent. You need to be entertaining other offers until you find a woman whose soul sets yours on fire, and vice versa. Don’t get stuck, because a lot of people, this is how they settle in life and their relationship, and then they’re not passionate about each other.
Then they get married, and then they have kids. They stop taking care of their bodies, and they just get bigger and bigger. The woman doesn’t lose the baby weight after the kids are born, the guy’s no longer turned on by her, and they’re both overweight and out of shape. And then they’re roommates, basically, raising average kids that are going to go out and do the same thing, because that’s what they saw mom and dad doing.
And again, I’m all about peak performance and having somebody that sets your soul on fire, not this kind of garbage. This, quite frankly, it’s beneath you and you can do better, and you should do better. You deserve better, and so does she. She deserves to be with a guy whose soul sets hers on fire. That’s what you want.
So, if you are in a situation, whether it’s your personal or your professional life and you’d like to get my opinion, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Without passion, excitement and enthusiasm for each other after several months of dating, a relationship is going nowhere. Why? Most people settle for average lives, careers, businesses, bodies, friends and lovers. Way too many men and women date and marry people they are not in love with because they don’t have the courage to stay single, improve themselves and find someone who sets their soul on fire. Without enthusiasm, people won’t put their heart and soul into anything. Never settle for mediocre. You’re either savage, or you’re average.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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