Without Sexual Polarity There Is No Romantic Attraction

Why you need sexual polarity or there will be no romantic attraction.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 21-year-old female viewer who is a lesbian and dating a 29-year-old woman. She shares a long detailed email of their interactions that shows how she makes the same mistakes that men make with women that turn them off. Going out on a date as friends. Buying gifts and trinkets as a bribe for sex and a relationship and several others.

It also appears that the woman she is seeing might be a neurotic angry jack-in-the-box. She just finished reading 3% Man once and is confused as to what is going on. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of her email.

Well, today’s email is interesting because this is actually from a lesbian. This woman is 21 years old, and she’s been dating a 29-year-old woman. She shares a lot of the interactions between her and this particular woman.

What’s interesting is, even though it’s a lesbian, when I coach lesbians, especially when they say they’re the masculine one is they basically teach them to act like a heterosexual man, because what happens is and you’ll see, especially guys that are familiar with the book, 3% Man, what you’ll see is that she behaves just like guys do that are heterosexual. So the sexual polarity is kind of messed up in her interactions with this woman that she’s trying to date, and she’s kind of missing the cues of what to do and how to implement things. I mean, at the end of the day, she’s physically a woman, but internally she feels more like a masculine presence.

This is what’s fascinating to me is that they have the same problems that heterosexual guys do. So it’s an interesting email because it’s a completely different perspective, but she has the same problems that us guys do trying trying to date women, because even though she’s physically a woman, she thinks and feels like a man in a woman’s body, if you will, or a masculine essence, as it happens to be.

Viewer’s Email:

Hey Corey,

I am a lesbian woman, but I have finished reading your book for the first time. I am more masculine in thinking but I think the book could really help me, as I still am pursuing women.

I think my biggest issue is that I cannot read cues from women, and I wanted to describe some situations about that and ask for help. I am a very literal person in the sense…

In other words, she’s very logically thinking. Logic is more dominant than emotions, like emotions are more dominant in feminine women.

When I’m coaching somebody like this, it’s like, what’s your more dominant essence? She’s already saying she feels more masculine. So I teach her to act like a man because that’s going to attract the feminine lesbian. If she acts too much like a girl, it’s going to turn the female lesbian off the same way a heterosexual guy turns off a feminine woman when he acts too girly.

…That If I am told something or vice versa, I take it to heart. If you say you do not like chocolate and I am eating a chocolate bar near you, I will not offer it to you. This is only logical, but a lot of women do not see things this way. 

Well, because feminine women tend to be more emotional based. Their emotions and their feelings dominate their decision making process more than us guys do. That’s why when you act too much like a girl, even though you are a girl in this case, you’re going to turn women off for the same reasons that heterosexual guys turn women off.

So I met this really nice girl. We went out a few weeks ago on what was somewhat of a date but we had mutual interest. I say somewhat because though she said we were going as “friends…”

Well, if somebody says, “Hey, this is just as friends,” you say, “I’m down for friends with benefits. I think that’s a great idea,” Then she says, “No, no, I just want platonic,” I just say, “Well, I’m not interested in anything platonic. I’m looking for romance. I’m open to friends of benefits, but I’m not interested in just being your pal or your friend.”

So it’s important that if a woman refers to you and uses the F word, “friends” word, that you quickly correct her in a playful way. If she just says, “You know, we can go as friends,” she’s like, “Friends with benefits, I’m cool with that,” sometimes what happens is you’re giving off the vibe that you’re a little too serious, and women can already feel it and they just go, “How about if we just go as friends?” When you say friends with benefits, it’s communicating that you don’t have any attachment one way or another. You’re interested in sex and romance and friends with benefits is like, there’s no attachments, “I’m not trying to lock you down to a commitment or lock you into a relationship.”

If they’re just looking for something casual and you give off the vibe that you’re serious or you’re seeking a relationship, then they’ll use the F word just because most of the time when guys, in this case lesbian women, give off the vibe that they’re too serious too soon, they come off as a little smothering, too eager, then what happens is those people tend to never back off and they smother them. Most beautiful women have gone out with enough guys that act this way to know how it ends, which is they get upset, they get mad, they get angry and they want something more. So it’s just easier to just say friends, because they know that that person is probably going to cause some drama and be a pain in the butt. So you might as well just stick them in friend zone. If they’re a beta, they’ll probably go along with it.

…The whole ambiance felt date-like. I paid for everything…

That’s part of the problem. You kind of missed the opportunity to stand up for yourself and reconfirm what you’re down for and what you’re interested in, because if she says we’re going as friends and then you go out with her, then in her mind you’ve already agreed to be to something platonic and nothing romantic.

…We sat close together on the park bench, silly stuff like that. A lot of flirting.

Well, if there’s a lot of flirting and she’s playing with her hair, she’s touching your arm and she’s sitting too close, she should go in for the kiss, but she’s seen too many Disney’s movies. Look what she does.

I brought her flowers and cutesy trinkets beforehand she really liked.

Those are things you do for somebody you’re in a relationship with, not somebody that you’re on a first date with. It’s too much too soon. It’s too overwhelming. It already communicates that you’ve made up your mind that she’s the girl for you, and your whole attitude is, “Oh, I hope she likes me. I hope I can get her to like me,” instead of, “Do I like this girl? Is she good for me? How I feel about her? She’s a good person. Our goals and values align.” When you show up with this, it’s like you’re already saying, “Oh gee, I hope she likes me.” So that, right off the bat, communicates that you’re more into her than she is into you. I mean, it’s only a first date. She’s seen too many movies.

That boundary between platonic and dating did not seem to exist and there was conversation about a future in a relationship and what it could look like.

Again, you shouldn’t be having this kind of a conversation on a first date. Heterosexual guys do this on the first date, and that’s going to be probably the only date they get.

She opened up a lot about her exes and divorce.

So the woman she’s dating is probably bisexual. Likes men, likes women.

I listened 80%, talked 20 like in the book. She was spilling her guts.

I am 21, she is 29.  She is going thru things in her personal life, as she is recently divorced (two years). She said she didn’t want a relationship at the moment…

So that tells me you’re giving off the vibe that you’re coming on way too strong.

…But we still have been agreeing to go out and flirting with one another.

Yeah, but she’s already told you friends only, and she’s constantly reiterating that she’s not looking for a relationship.

Again, you’re coming on way too strong. You’re just on two completely different pages. If you’d have just said, “Well, I’m down for friends with benefits,” as soon as she used the F word, then if she just said, “OK, cool with me,” you’d have gone out on your date if you were flirting and she’s really close and she’s bumping into you and you can use a kiss test on her. If she looks at your lips, you kiss her and you make out, and you eventually move it to your bedroom.

According to your book, all is going well.

Well, you’ve agreed to being friends first, which is a bad way to go. The fact that she’s saying, “I’m not looking for a relationship,” again, your vibe, everything is you’re trying to smother her and get her to commit to you. It’s too much too soon. It’s overwhelming and it’s inappropriate. You’re acting like a girl. You’re acting like a girl that’s in love, instead of acting like a dude that’s on a first date that’s kind of skeptical and whether or not this is a good person for you or not.

She initiates contact, flirts with me, but I am somewhat confused considering she doesn’t want anything serious.

Again, you should not be focused on a relationship. A man’s job, or in this case the masculine essence, is to create an opportunity for sex to happen, to hang out, to have fun and to hook up. It’s not to lock the other person down. You’re acting too much like a chick here, and it ruins the sexual polarity. That’s why she’s given the vibe that she’s pushing you away and using the friendship word. It doesn’t sound like anything physical is going on. You’re buying her stuff, and it comes across as a bribe for sex and a relationship, and you’re focused on a relationship. This is totally inappropriate. You’re putting the cart way before the horse.

She gets jealous when she thinks other women are in the picture. When I asked her about this and how illogical it was, she did not give a clear response as to how she felt about me. It left me even more confused. 

Well again, because your whole thing is you’re trying to get her attention and you’re trying to get her to like you instead of just being in a vetting mode, and you want to see what happens. If a woman is really into you, you wouldn’t be confused about her interest. What’s happening is you’re projecting your high interest onto her, and you’re completely ignoring the fact that her interest in you is low, and she’s trying to tell you that she’s not in the same place you are, but you’re not getting the message.

After about two weeks of talking and seeing each other every day almost (She works at the gym I go to, this is also how we met), I asked her to go on a day trip with me on a Saturday. She said she was busy every weekend (Keep this in mind) until May 15…

So this email came in about a month ago.

…When she would be graduating with her bachelors. She had essays, tests, etc.

It looks like even her going in and seeing her in the gym, she in her mind is somehow thinking this is like some kind of date. Again, it’s inappropriate. You’re thinking totally like a girl. Even though you are a girl, you should be thinking like a man if you want to seduce a feminine woman. This is why you’re striking out.

She said she was busy every weekend until May 15th. Then she had essays, tests, etc., so she’s not making herself available to you because you’re coming on way too strong, and you’re not getting the message. You have no self-awareness.

Looking at your book, I took this to mean she was not seriously interested. I was disappointed but thought it was a hint. She offered no other availability, either. I thought we could remain friends as she is a nice girl, but slowed down inviting her to things.

Well, why would you want to be friends with somebody that you want to sleep with? It’s a bad way to go. You’re just going to torture yourself.

We still flirted in person (I thought it was fun) and had semi regular contact outside of the gym. 

I ended up going to a carnival on a weekend day with platonic male friend and winning her a teddy bear. I sent her a photo of myself with said bear and a cute caption saying, “I won it for her.”

Again, that’s something you do for your girlfriend or your wife, not a chick you went out on a couple of dates with, and certainly not a girl that’s constantly referring to you as a friend and telling you repeatedly how she’s not looking for a relationship. On top of that, telling you how she’s so busy and has no time for you. It’s like you’re trying to get her to like you by buying things or winning a bear for her at the carnival.

She was very offended she was not invited, and I could not understand why, considering what I had been informed of last with her schedule. I thought I was respecting her boundaries. 

I called her the next day and she thanks me for the bear, but was genuinely upset she was not invited to the fair.

Oh, that kind of rhymed, didn’t it? Sounds like the Cat In The Hat.

Says she wanted to spend time with me, all of this. I think that part was genuine, but I gently reminded her she said that she studied weekends less than a week ago.

Your job is just to create an opportunity for sex to happen, to hang out, to have fun and to hook up. The phone is for setting dates, not trying to get to know somebody. There’s no way in hell you should be agreeing to be friends only and then continuing to hang out.

I did not invite her out on a weekend day because of prior information she’d given me. I was taking the book’s advice and recalling information. This similar situation has happened with tons of girls I have interacted with, by the way. 

Yeah, because the sexual polarity is screwed up. You’re acting like a chick. Even though you are a chick, you need to act like a man acts because what’s happening is you’re ruining the sexual polarity and you’re talking women out of liking you.

She still says I was inconsiderate in not checking. She finished all her work Saturday in this case. I asked her how I was supposed to know, she said someone really interested would have reached out to check.

Again, all of this is unnecessary conversation. You should just be making dates, not trying to be her buddy or her pal.

I told her about respecting her boundaries and she said she wanted to feel wanted. I apologized for hurting her feelings and we ended the call on a decent note. 

There also was an instant in the same day over text where I waited nine hours to text her because she texted me back after a day and a half (The text I responded to after nine hours).

So the fact that she’s waiting a day and a half to respond to your text again is just part of you coming on too strong, too much, too soon, being too serious, kind of treating her like your girlfriend, even though it doesn’t sound like you guys even kissed yet. So you got to act more masculine than she does. If you want her to be attracted to you and you want to make her pussy wet right now, what you’re doing is you’re drying it up like the Sahara Desert.

It was not to be petty but I wanted to not just be available, like the book said. That became something she brought up agitated.

Well, she might also be a little wacky if she’s getting upset about this. Again, you’re not her girlfriend. You’re not in a relationship. Doesn’t even sound like you guys have even kissed. Notice what she says next.

She said I had two more strikes to do that and she would block my number.

Oh, boy. She sounds like a real peach. A real gem. So she’s already threatening to block you.

She sounded very serious about this and was not jokingly flirting.

It’s like, easygoing, easy to get along with. That’s what you want. This girl sounds like a pain in the ass. A controlling pain in the ass.

I brought up she waited a longer period of time to reply before, she did not care. She continued saying I needed to reply more promptly. I was floored.

I would be indifferent to that. Again, because she’s being unreasonable.

I wanted to still give her the teddy bear I won for her at the fair with a card inviting her to a similar amusement park…

Just be a man. Invite her out. You’re acting like a teenager that’s never even gotten laid for the first time and has no idea how to date.

I know you’ve only been through the book once, again this is why it says go through it 10 to 15 times, because you got to learn it backwards and forwards, because you’re missing so many little subtle cues here. Again, you’re making the same mistakes that most guys that don’t have any game make.

…As she could not go to the fair before. I also am going to Vancouver in August and want to hint at her coming along.

No, I would not be doing that. We’re in June, it’s like a couple of months away. You don’t even know if you’ll be seeing her then. You haven’t even kissed her yet, it’s just too much, too soon. This destroys all the mystery.

Again, you’re acting like a girl and you’re ready to lock her down to a commitment. You need to go back and read the book some more. I know you’ve only been through it once, but you maybe got 7% of the book committed to memory, so that’s a handful of pages out of a 250 page book. It’s not enough to get sustainable success just reading it the one time, because your game is pretty bad. It’s pretty atrocious.

We talked about traveling together in August but she said she would have to do October because she was busy in August.

Again, you should not be talking about making grand gesture plans months in advance on like these long trips. Maybe down the road, if you’re hanging out, having fun, hooking up, bumping uglies and everything and you’re in a relationship, then you can go away together, but some of her behavior is kind of troubling. Threatening you to block you? She sounds a little super insecure. Which means the more she likes you and the more her interest goes up, the more controlling, angry and butt-hurt she’s going to get. Then if you’re soft and you let her walk all over you, disrespect you and treat you like a doormat, there’s no way she’s going to love you.

Usually, I would not extend the invitation to her under these circumstances but she got mad when I had this thinking last time.

Yeah, that’s a pleaser mentality, “Oh, I don’t want to piss her off. Oh, she might get mad at me and then cut me off from access to the box.”

Please give me any thoughts you may have. 

Well, you can act more like a man than she does if you want to seduce her.

I am unsure of where to go from here now, though as far as how she feels. Though I am a woman, I still would appreciate advice. 

Jessica

I wouldn’t call, I wouldn’t do anything. If you don’t hear from her for two full weeks, then I would call her and ask her out on a date. If she mentions the “friend” word, then just say, “I’m down with friends with benefits, but I’m not going to do something that’s platonic only. I’m not interested in that,” and she’s like, “Well, that’s all I can do now,” it’s like, “OK well, call me if you change your mind.” Then I would be following what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back after that. If you don’t do anything at this point and say, after a few days or a week, she reaches out to you, assumes she wants to see you and make a date, just like the book says, hang out, have fun and hook up.

It’s like you’re trying to go from just meeting this person to being in an exclusive relationship, and this is putting the cart before the horse. It’s the opposite of what the book teaches. The more times you go through it, the more that will be clear, but you need to clean up your game and just focus on creating an opportunity for sex to happen instead of being focused on a relationship. That’s why you’re getting rejected exactly the same way, and the same reasons that heterosexual guys get rejected when they act this way. There’s no sexual polarity between the two of you.

You’re acting like too much of a girl. You got to be more masculine. This girl you’re dating is attracted to masculinity. Therefore, if you act like another girl, she’s going to perceive you and feel that you’re just a platonic friend and not a woman that she wants to get naked with and get her freak on. So you got to clean up your game because it’s pretty bad. Hang out, have fun, hook up. Rinse, recycle, repeat. Hang out, have fun and hook up. That’s it. If she wants to lock you down to a commitment, then you can choose, or not, to do that down the road when you feel that, and you vetted her properly, she’d be a good person to date.

What’s troubling is the fact that she’s threatening you and getting angry and, “Oh, there’s two more strikes. If you get those two strikes, I’m going to block your number.” I don’t like that at all. That’s not a good sign. It’s a sign that she may be a fruit loop and incredibly insecure, and you’ll see that really manifest itself if she really starts to fall for you, if you start applying what’s in the book.

If I were you, I would have some other choices and some other options because this one’s not looking too good. There’s some big red flags there, but you can still practice with her and see what happens.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page on my website, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.