Women make similar mistakes to men when it comes to dating and relationships. Just as there are millions of men walking the earth while carrying a torch for a potential lover who is uninterested or unavailable, there are millions of women doing the same thing. Human beings tend to want what they cannot have.
Men and women who grow up in families which are dysfunctional, where communication is nonexistent and where love and affection are nonexistent, tend to become romantically hung up on people that withhold the same things as their parents. Therefore, they date people and become emotionally invested in relationships where the other person is not making the same kind of effort. Deep down they may have a limiting belief that tells them they do not deserve to be loved in the way they want to be loved.
They get into dysfunctional relationships with the same kind of dysfunction that they grew up in. Why? Because they have become conditioned to expect this. Plus, they have no idea what a healthy loving relationship actually feels like. Therefore, dysfunctional relationships that lack the love or affection similar to what they did not get from their parents, feels completely normal to them; even though they are tremendously unhappy and unfulfilled in the relationship. They simply do not know what it feels like for a relationship to be spectacular.
There is an old saying. It says that we tend to date our parents. Men tend to date women who treat them like their mothers treated them. Women tend to date men who treat them the way their fathers did. If the father was disinterested and not emotionally present, the girl will grow up to date men who withhold their love the same way their father did. The girl thinks this is normal. People on the outside who grew up in healthy loving families, can see the dysfunction. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. For me, I got tired of not getting what I wanted out of my relationships. I got tired of getting rejected by the women I wanted, and only being pursued by women I had no interest in. I knew that if I did not change my approach, I would continue getting the same undesired results. I had to become open to learning new things. Most importantly, I had to apply what I was learning relentlessly. Over many years and countless heartbreaks, I started getting the success that had always been elusive to me. My hobby (learning to understand women) eventually became part of what I teach to men and women in my life coaching practice.
The following is an e-mail from a reader. This particular woman just broke off a relationship with a guy who was not making the effort she was. She made the same mistake a lot of my male readers make. She has been projecting her own high level of interest onto the man she wants, while ignoring the fact he has been making little to no effort. My comments are (in bold brackets like this) in the body of her e-mail:
I sent you a message on your twitter asking on how to win back my boyfriend. First of all, my bf and I were introduced by our mutual friend Janet who is now living in France with her husband. My bf is also French, and I haven’t meet him personally. We were chatting everyday until we decided to be a couple. (You decided, and he went along?) Everyday when we chat, not using webcam, purely chatting, it was I who always initiates to think of something to talk about. Like how close he is with his mom and siblings, how his parents are, how close he is with his step dad, about his work, etc. (When someone has mutual interest in you, they will make an effort to keep the conversation going. Here it appears you are doing all the work. You should not ignore this. Its a red flag.) It’s been 2 years since his last relationship. The ex left him and its seems that he was not that interested in giving details, so I did not ask further information. (The explanation would probably not make him look good in your eyes anyways. He got dumped for a reason.) We didn’t have any problem except that I noticed that he doesn’t talk/chat much. (That’s actually a big problem. He’s not contributing to the conversation. You are projecting your high interest level onto him, but not paying attention to the lack of effort on his part.)
My friend Janet suggested to invite me to come to France so that we can have the time to get to know each other more. (Janet sounds like a matchmaker and a good friend!) So she processed the papers that are necessary and let my bf send it to me via courier. But it took him almost 2 weeks since the day that she hand it over to him, which makes Janet upset because she’s suspecting that he’s not really that interested in me. (Janet is wise.) She wanted for me to meet someone else because this person is much more financially well off, but I of course refused. (She’s looking out for you. You should listen to your girlfriend.) We almost had a fight because I was defending my bf, and I told her that if I think that he is not interested in me, I should be the first one to know. (Actually, it looks like you are the last to know, sorry.) After telling him about what just happened, he told me that we have a lot of things to talk about, but days have gone by. He never touched the issue until I asked him about it. (Because he would rather avoid it.) He just told me that he hasn’t thought about it yet because he has a lot of things to do at work, and because he was sick. (Translation: “I’ve been putting it off because I really don’t want to deal with it.”) But my issue was that he has time to watch TV or football, but he doesn’t have any time to even discuss the matter with me. (That should tell you everything about his interest level… or lack thereof.) Until I noticed that he doesn’t call me hon, short for honey, he doesn’t buzz me anymore when he’s online. After a brief hi and hello’s, he would make some excuses that he’s tired and that he wants to rest for awhile. (I’d say he’s left your “phoneship” and I say “phoneship” because it’s not a relationship. A relationship is one where you actually physically spend time with someone. Don’t feel bad, men talk to women they like for months before asking them out, only to be rejected because they never paid attention to her low level of interest in him from the start.)
It keeps on going for 2 weeks until I have decided to send him a letter. This is what I wrote him: “Hi, Sorry if I don’t spent time talking to you lately, actually I was seeking your attention, but it seems to me you don’t notice it. I don’t regret the wonderful times we spent chatting together. You are very special to me, and you are still special to me to this day. But obviously we want different things, so we need to do the right thing. I love you and I want you to be happy. I want you to have what you are looking for. I don’t want you getting into something that you are not ready for. I think its time for us to move on.” (You made the right decision. Deep down you know this. However, you suffer because you want things to be other than they are. You want him to love you back, but he does not. All you can do is accept what is. The fact he and you don’t have any chemistry or mutual attraction. That’s not good relationship material. Get Janet to hook you up with the other guy she mentioned. Date people that either live near you, or who are willing to actually come and visit you. It takes two.) He replied, “Well, I hope you will find what you are looking for, take care :)” (See how he does not care or make any attempt to get you to change your mind? His interest level is non-existent.)
Now I am regretting it and I want to get him back. (No you don’t. You never actually had him to begin with. Therefore, there’s nothing to get back. Never try to keep someone who does not want to keep you.) What shall I do to get him back? Please don’t laugh at me. I’m dead serious hahaha 😀 (You’re funny! You already know its ridiculous to want him back deep down, that’s why you ask me not to laugh. Because you know I should. You should too. You’ve been a little silly and kept yourself off the market for a non-man. This guy is so weak he could not even be honest with you. You deserve a real man who will love and cherish you! However, you can’t meet him until you let go of what no longer serves you. When is NOW a good time to let him go? You should read my book. Even thought I wrote it for men, the same principles apply. What you learn from my book will keep you from making the same mistakes in the future; and help you screen out the losers from the real men. Why? Now you will know what to look for. You can download the Amazon Kindle version of my book to your Smartphone, PC, Mac or iPad in under 60 seconds for only $9.99 by CLICKING HERE.)
P.S. If you are going to share this with your followers, please don’t give my real name. 🙂 Thanks and God bless you. (You are anonymous.)
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“The more you know who you are and what you want, the less you let things upset you.”-Bill Murray’s character from “Lost in Translation”