Why women usually only breakup with men when their feelings are gone and not the reasons they say.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been following my work for the past 2 years and only cherry picking info. The woman he has been dating for a year and a half dumped him. He thinks it’s because he didn’t pursue her enough, but she said he treated her like a side piece. He tried to give her the commitment she’s wanted during the breakup, but she said no and to not contact her anymore, as she had several dates lined up with other men.
He is in no contact but worries he should pursue since he would not commit to her every time she asked during their time together. He’s experiencing the consequences of not learning the book because he only focused on learning pickup and dating techniques. Don’t be like this guy. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
This is the consequence of only learning the pickup and dating skills and you don’t learn the relationship skills. And this is totally avoidable. But the important thing is, if you’re going to date a woman and you want a relationship, you have to make her feel like you care for her, not that you’re just hooking up with her. Because most women, unless they belong to the streets, are going to want to get into a relationship at some point, especially if they’re younger and they want to have kids. And you’ve got a guy that behaves like this for a year and a half, treats them like a side piece because, as he said, he was dating multiple women. Then she wants to dip, because she got tired of waiting, she got tired of having her concerns and her desires dismissed, and now this guy, because he doesn’t want to admit what really happened, is trying to say, “Oh, I didn’t pursue her enough.”
You can’t treat somebody like a sex playmate for a year and a half and then be surprised when they eventually realize you’re not serious about them and you don’t care. That’s the problem. Eventually, once a woman starts to understand and feel that you don’t actually care about her as a person, her interest will start dropping. You can get away with it in the beginning. This guy got away with it for a year and a half, and she put up with it for a long time, but women dump guys when their feelings are gone.
That’s why it’s so much easier for women to move on. They’re never out of the game, number one, because they’re always getting hit on. The difference is they can just start saying yes, and that’s what it sounds like has happened. She just got to the point where she got tired of this guy’s act and tired of him dismissing her concerns. Over time, her interest started dropping, and that’s why it’s easy for her to walk away and go, “Oh, by the way, I’ve got a bunch of dates lined up, and please don’t contact me anymore.” And so, now he’s like, “Oh, I want to get her back.” So, it just brings up a good point, and this is so important. Women only care about how they feel about you, not how much you like them.
I’ve been a fan of your work for about 2 years now.
Notice what he says next…
Did the book a few times,
Which probably means he didn’t read it at all.
(I know, not 10-15) and have been watching your videos.
So, what this tells me, because I’ve already been through his email, is that he learned the pickup skills, the dating skills, and he never bothered to learn a relationship stuff. Because, I mean, in all fairness, in the beginning he wasn’t looking for that. He was playing the field. But you can’t wait until a year and a half, two years later and then decide you want to learn that stuff. Because he had a year and a half of constantly making this girl, as she said, “feel like a side piece.” And you can only do that for so long, and once the feelings are gone, you’re out of there.
So, that’s why I tell guys this all the time. They don’t listen to me, they don’t believe me. You know, I have guys like, “Oh, I sold my company for $200 million. I don’t need to read this book.” It’s like, “Yeah, but you’re on the phone session with me because you got dumped. If you’re not interested in reading the book, you’re not going be able to salvage your relationship, bro.” Pride cometh before the fall, as they say.
About a year and a half ago I started seeing a girl, and thanks to a lot of your work, I did everything right. I didn’t chase, kept our interactions light and fun, and maintained a solid frame. The sex was amazing, and she loved being around me. Right on time, around the 4-month mark, she declared she had strong feelings for me and asked me for a commitment.
Well, actually, it’s about week seven, week eight mostly that a woman’s in love, if you’re following what’s in the book, when she wants to be serious, not four months. Again, he probably never even opened or cracked the book. Maybe you thumbed through it. Maybe you went to the members area and looked through it a bit. But it’s one of those guys who was arrogant, full of himself, “Hey, I’m getting laid. This stuff works great. I don’t need to learn all that relationship stuff. I don’t need to read that damn book 10 to 15 times, because I’m too smart.”
I’ve had guys telling me that they’re very sophisticated, and the girls that they were dating, that they got dumped by, they were very sophisticated, too. So, they have a good understanding, “I don’t need to learn that stuff.” It’s like, “Well, if you’ve got all the answers, why are you on a phone session with me?” You know, I get these guys and you’ve got to understand, it’s when I’m talking to some high powered dude that’s worth hundreds of millions of dollars, they’re used to pushing people around, and they’re not used to getting pushed around by women. And because they’ve got huge egos, because most people never tell them no, they don’t like hearing the nasty, unvarnished truth that there’s things that they’ve got to do. But I’m not here to blow sunshine up anybody’s ass. I’m here to tell you the way things really are.
Being fresh out of a divorce, I had no interest in committing right away.
Which, like I said earlier, is understandable.
I was sleeping with multiple women, my business was back on track, and I was having fun. I told her I can’t make a commitment any time soon, but I do see a potential future with us down the road.
Well, you have to mean that when you say that. you can’t just do that and string her along for years, because you’ve got to remember, women have a clock that’s running out if they want to have babies and a family. And so, this guy has taken up a year and a half of her life, of her peak years to where she could actually have kids and, in essence, wasted it, took it for granted, and constantly treated her like he didn’t care for her.
He basically just treated her like, as she said, a side peace. That’s the way she felt. And because her interest was high and her emotions were high, she was willing to overlook the fact he was treating her just like a side piece. Maybe the sex was really good. But at the end of the day, her feelings overrode her emotions, because she knew that he was treating her like a side piece. And it’s obvious that he was, because he never bothered reading the book, and he only focused on pickup and seduction skills, maybe some dating skills thrown in there.
She is head over heels in love with me.
Well, she was head over heels. She ain’t head over heels in love with you anymore, dude. Women don’t dump men they’re in love with.
She’s been extremely helpful in every aspect of my life and has enhanced it significantly. At some point, I started having feelings for her as well, but I didn’t engage with them because I didn’t feel ready to settle down.
So, in other words, you acted like an emotional zombie that had no feelings. You just wanted to hook up and treat her like a side piece. Eventually, on a long enough timeline, the woman is going to feel that, she’s going to get that. And when she recognizes that, because she’s probably talked to all of her girlfriends about it constantly, “Oh, he’s just using you.” And after she hears that enough, it’s like, what do you expect, dude?
Every few weeks for the past year she’s been asking me for a commitment.
You can’t just brush that off and ignore it and laugh it off. You can do it a few times, but a whole year of a woman asking you to commit, and you just laugh it off and joke around like it’s no big deal? And so, look what he says…
I’d make her laugh, we’d bang, and she wouldn’t bring it up again for a while.
Probably because she’s being a nice girl. She doesn’t want to pressure the guy. She does want to be a nag, but she wants what she wants. She wants a commitment. And so, his actions and the fact that he jokes around with her and doesn’t take it serious, that continually communicates that you don’t care.
Fast forward to today. Last week she told me she’s done. I thought it was an ultimatum, so I told her I’d commit and we can make it official and she said she thinks it’s too late, that I treated her like a side piece for a year and half and she had enough.
That’s the important thing. It’s all about the emotions. And emotionally, she’s had enough. She got tired of your act and she doesn’t believe you. She doesn’t take you seriously at this point. But notice what she says next. Because this is the other thing, women usually do the breaking up 75% of the time. And typically when they do the breaking up or they do the leaving, their feelings and emotions are gone.
And that’s why guys are so perplexed, like this guy is like, “Oh, we were together a year and a half, and she’s already got all of these new dudes lined up.” But they weren’t really together. They were never committed. I don’t know if he was still sleeping with these other women, but it sure seemed like it. If he’s not committing to her, more than likely, he probably was. And she didn’t like the idea of being a side piece. So, look what she says next…
She told me she has dates lined up and asked me not to contact her.
Ouch. So, in other words, “I got to the point where I’m emotionally ready, I’m emotionally over you. I’ve got new dudes lined up,” that she’s going to go check out. And she says, on top of that, “Don’t contact me.”
I told her to let me know if she changes her mind and that was that. Since then, I’ve gone no contact. It’s only been a few days and I’m worried I lost her for good. My question is, if me not pursuing her was what drove her away and I want to get her back…
What are you talking about “not pursuing her”? Where do you get that from, dude? Not pursuing her? She came right out and told you exactly why she broke it off. “She said I treated her like a side piece for a year and a half, and she said she had enough.” It has nothing to do with pursuing. Maybe you’re trying to say lock her down to a commitment that she was asking for, but the reality is you didn’t agree to a commitment because, quite frankly, you didn’t want to be in one. Why buy the cow when you’re getting the milk for free? It’s like you only seemed to care about her when you got dumped and your side piece was out of there.
…does “no contact for good” apply in this situation? Looking forward to your response.
Well, you never try to keep somebody who doesn’t want to keep you. And so, your premise is wrong, because it’s the opposite of what she told you. And if we look at her actions, her actions line up with what she told you. But the bottom line is she dumped you because her feelings were gone. And so, pursuing her wasn’t the issue. Because if the commitment was the issue, which originally it was, at least what you think in your mind, now at the very end, you’re like, “Okay, I’ll give you a commitment,” and she’s like, “Nah, it’s too late.”
Notice what she said, “I treated her like a side piece for a year and a half, and she had enough.” She had enough – that means she was sick of it, she’d been emotionally raked over the coals, and she did not like how he made her feel. Because it was constant. For a whole year she’d been asking him for a commitment, and he kept treating her like a side piece. He didn’t treat her like she was special. He just treated her like another one of the girls he was hooking up with. That’s it.
He acted like a guy who only cared about hooking up and then kicking her to the curb and saying, “Get out.” You just can’t do that. You can’t do that for a year and a half and expect the girl to still have feelings for you. That’s not how it works. Rejection breeds obsession. I mean, he didn’t care to treat her like a girlfriend until he got dumped. And so, there were probably other things that were going on that caused her to lose interest, but that’s the big one right there. He treated her like a side piece, and she had enough.
In other words, he constantly made her feel like he didn’t care for her. And eventually she recognized that, and the infatuation is not going to last forever. Most people, it’s 6 to 12 months. And so, for the last six months, her interest has probably slowly been declining, because she’s starting to recognize, “This guy is not going to change. He’s not interested in a relationship. He’s not going to treat me any better than he’s been treating me.” I mean, she had a year and a half with the dude, so it’s obvious that she dumped him once her feelings were gone and, as she said, she was done.
So, he says, “My question is, if me not pursuing her is what drove her away and I want to get her back, does no contact for good apply in this situation?” Well, again, she doesn’t want to keep you. She said, “don’t don’t contact me.” You’re thinking, “Oh, all I have to do is agree to a commitment.” And so, you give her the commitment, and she’s like, “Nah, it’s too late.” And the reason she says it’s too late is because her feelings are gone. That’s the whole issue. That’s the whole point of this video.
Women don’t dump guys they’re in love with. Because he’s saying, “Oh, I didn’t give her a commitment. Let me just give her the commitment, and it’ll solve the problem, right?” He gives her the commitment, and she’s like, “Hey, a year and a half of you treating me like you don’t care,” it’s like, she had enough. She spent enough time with this guy to realize how he was day in and day out, week after week, month after month, year after year. And I would say more than likely, even if he did get her back, in a few months, as soon as he felt comfortable, he’d probably go right back to this same behavior. Because, again, he never learned the book. He didn’t really learn how to care about a woman he’s in a relationship with.
I’m not talking about somebody you’re just hooking up with, and you hook up for a few times or a few months, and they’re part of your rotation. And then they eventually realize that’s what they are, part of your rotation and you’re never going to get serious. If they’re a good girl, they’re going to dip out. If they belong to the streets or they’re cool with that, hey, they’ll keep hooking up with you, but keep in mind, they’re going to be hooking up with other dudes. That’s just the way it is.
You just can’t do this. There’s a time limit. Because, again, women want to bond and connect and typically have a relationship, especially if they’re going to have kids or a family. And when you treat her like a side piece, you can only do it for so long before she’s had enough. And the fact that she said, don’t contact her, oftentimes women will say things and they mean the opposite. When they say “don’t contact me,” they’ll typically mean, “Well, I hope he contacts me, because if he does what I told him to do, then it means he really didn’t care.” Because that happens. But in this case, I’d say because her feelings are gone, and you tried to give her what she said it was that she had been wanting for a year, but by then, the damage was done.
And so, I would just let her be in this particular case, because you tried to give her the commitment. If she was open to a commitment, if that’s all she needed, she would have been like, “Thank you. Why did it take you a year and a half? Yes, let’s do it. Let’s be boyfriend-girlfriend. Yay, we’ll live happily ever after.” But he gives her the thing that he’d been withholding the whole time, and she’s like, “Nah, I don’t want it now.” So, why would she say that? Because her emotions and her feelings are gone. Elvis has left the building.
I’d say, the likelihood of of her coming back, who knows? Maybe, in a few weeks or a month or so when she goes out with these other dudes that she had lined up. But who knows, maybe she’s been seeing one of these other guys and you had no idea, and things have progressed, and he’s making her feel like he cares, and he’s doing everything right. So, you may have already lost her to another guy, but you never locked her down in the first place. She was just your friends with benefits. So, you can’t can’t expect anything to happen.
Like I said, you’ve done everything you can do at this point, but you’ve got to read the book, dude. This is going to happen with every woman you treat this way. You can’t just learn pickup skills and seduction skills. That’s why the guys in the pickup artist community have such a problem. Because once they’re out of routines and things that make women laugh, it’s like that’s all they’ve got. They’ve got nothing else going on in their life, and eventually the girls move on.
If you’ve ever read “The Mystery Method” or any of those guys, or you look at the Neil Strauss book, the gimmicks are only going to take you so far. It’s like, being together with another human being, you’ve got to make them feel like you care, and you’ve got to be sincere and authentic about it. You know, you can’t treat somebody like dirt for that long and expect that they’ll just keep giving you more chances. So, I’d put a fork in it. Maybe she reaches out, maybe she doesn’t.
But the other thing you’ve got to consider is why weren’t you putting your best foot forward? And as you said, “Oh, I developed feelings for her, but I didn’t really do anything because I wasn’t ready for a commitment.” Well, that’s really your truth. You weren’t ready for a commitment. And so, you did what was congruent with you, but you’re not going to get a girl like this to stick around when you treat her this way. So, I would say, if this hadn’t happened, he would have probably kept doing what he was doing and getting away with it. So, it’s a good thing, because he’s no longer wasting her time.
And I like the fact that she had the strength to leave the guy and not just keep putting up with, in essence, getting used. Because that’s what he was doing, he was using her. Whether he likes to hear that or not, that’s the truth. These are human beings with feelings. You just can’t treat other humans like that. You can’t treat people like dirt and expect them to stick around.
Because there are a lot of really crappy people in this world, and most of the people you’re going to meet in life, they suck. So, when you come across somebody who’s a good person, good to you, good for you, good for your soul, you’ve got to treat them good. Same thing with good friends. You can’t be a dick to good friends and expect them to want to continue to be a good friend. You’ve got to reciprocate. It’s common sense, but you’ve got to learn the fundamentals, man.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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