Why women can’t control who they’re attracted to or who they emotionally respond to.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a woman who asks about societal conditioning and says men should pursue women and women should wait on men to chase them or stay single until some guy comes along who does.
She is a structured woman who is following a set of societal rules and programming, instead of naturally following what feels right to her. She wishes that people would just be real and not play games, even though those “games” are part of how women sort, vet and qualify their dating prospects. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of her email.
Today, I’ve actually got an email from a woman, and after reading her email I can tell she’s a bit of a structured woman who tends to do things based on what society has told her to do. So in other words, men should be the pursuers, so she sits and waits on men to do all the work. And she also seems to be a little upset that the games that happen between men and women should just stop and everybody should make a mutual effort. It sounds nice, that’s what the feminists say they want, but the reality is women are attracted to what they’re attracted to. Attraction is not a choice. And so, she brings up some interesting things that are really an issue in today’s society between men and women.
So, this is an interesting email. You can tell she’s kind of a little bit butt hurt and a little upset with the way things are, but like the video says, women can’t help who they’re attracted to. And as I talk about in How To Be A 3% Man, attraction’s not a choice. You cannot control who you’re attracted to. And when it comes to women, women typically are really drawn to guys who are confident and looks is second, third or maybe fourth down on their list of priorities.
I read your book. It’s always interesting to see how the other side feels when navigating the dating waters.
Well, it’s not about how our side feels, it’s how things are. But it shows the point that women typically are more in touch with their emotions, they’re more empathetic, because they’re natural nurturers. Whereas us guys are all about purpose, drive, mission, succeeding, accomplishing, breaking through barriers, making things happen, which is part of masculinity and what you need to do as a man in order to be self-reliant and create the life and lifestyle that you want.
That said, your book impressively walked a tight rope between profoundly introspective and direct enough to reach a wide audience who may or may not be ready to understand the deep stuff peppered throughout the book.
Well, it’s really all about how to be a man, what men do and how men create attraction in women, and it’s not so much about what they do or what they say, but how they live their lives and how they present themselves to the world. Because women are looking to follow a man’s lead. And when the man demonstrates his competency and his ability to get the things that he wants in life, women in general are naturally going to feel safer following his lead, especially when it comes to having kids, versus some guy that constantly loses his shit, can’t hold down a stable job and gets upset at any little thing that she does or fails to do that he’s expecting.
My question is: what if a woman really does like a guy, but has been conditioned to believe that men should be the pursuers?
That societal conditioning, and this goes back to how feminism has just devolved into toxic Marxism or another aspect of toxic Marxism that says we’re going to make the sexes equal. We want to eliminate feminine and masculine energy and just have everybody be kind of androgynous and the same — kind of the way they’re trying to do away with, they don’t say “mothers” anymore. They say “birthing people” and kind of ridiculous, absurd things like this that we’re starting to see in the culture.
This is all part of Marxism and feminism and trying to make all the rest of us subservient to the state, because the state is going to make things fair for everybody. Equity, as they call it these days, make everything equitable. In other words, you’re going to tear down successful people so you can lift up people who are less successful. Even though that’s been tried, communism has been tried in over 100 countries now, six different continents, and it’s failed in every one of them. But what’s interesting is I was hearing a stat that millennials, 33% of them, think that communism should be tried and it’s a great idea. That’s just absolutely stunning.
That if she pursues, she is breaking the social contract?
So, typically what happens, and I write about this in the book, is that it’s true that men start the courtship off and men start pursuing in the beginning to get the ball rolling. But as a woman’s interest grows, she feels safe, she feels comfortable, she starts to miss the guy. She starts to reach out and text or call him to see how he’s doing or what he’s up to. And in reality, she’s just hoping that he’ll ask her out for another date so she can see him again, so they can bond and connect further.
And as the weeks go by, typically what happens is it might go from where you start dating once a week, to twice a week, to three times a week, and that’s facilitated by a woman’s interest growing. Because as her interest grows and you spend more time together, she contacts you more and more until it gets to the point where you’re hearing from her two or three times a day. And then, eventually when she’s ready, she brings up the relationship topic.
When you look at the older movies from 60, 70, 80 years ago, the black and white movies, the kind of movies like “Charade” with Cary Grant and Audrey Hepburn, I think it was ’62 or ’63 that was made, or “It’s a Wonderful Life,” which I think that was 1946, what you notice is that the women are always trying to get the men’s attention. They naturally do this.
Women are the ones that wear the tight fitting dresses, showing the cleavage, showing off the nice curves and nice legs, putting on the makeup. They’re getting their nails done, putting nice candy smelling perfume on to draw and attract the men into their world. Because at the end of the day, they want to nest, they want to have babies, they want to have a family. They’re just naturally driven to do that. And they’re naturally going to be the most attracted to dominant men that display their competency.
I mean, were talking about generations of courtship expectations here.
Well, the reality is, even though the average woman has been told this, they’re going to go by what their feelings are. And so, in your case, you’re fighting what your feelings are telling you to do because society told you to behave a certain way. What I talk about in my book is that I don’t date women that are structured, because structured women don’t act normal. They don’t follow their emotions. They fight their emotions. They tend to act more stoic and masculine, and they tend to be more difficult. And when it comes to relationships, you want to have a good time, you want to hang out, you want to have fun, you want to hook up.
If you’re hanging out with a woman who’s got a bunch of rules, “Oh, I don’t kiss until the fifth date. I don’t sleep with a guy until month number X,” or whatever it happens to be, that’s fine. If you’re more religious, then go date a guy that believes in those same kinds of religious values. But for the average guy, they’re not interested in that, because structured women just, quite frankly, are a pain in the ass, when it’s so much easier to meet a girl who when she likes you, she lets you know. If she’s into you, she makes it easy for you. And if you really like her, you’re going to want to spend time together and get to know each other, not jump through a bunch of hoops and follow a set of rules.
It’s just, from my perspective and from most men’s perspective, they don’t want to deal with it. They don’t want to deal with a woman that’s got all these rules that are unnatural. Why would we want to be with a woman who doesn’t act like a woman naturally acts? Think about it. If you’re acting like a robot, we don’t want to date you, plain and simple. I know feminism has programmed you to think a certain way, but that’s not how men and women have been doing it since we were put here.
Moreover, while you have an acute understanding of your family dynamic that led to your initial awkwardness with relationships, i.e. not know what to look for in a potential partner, not many people have put that kind of work in, and some people don’t even bother to take the time to understand where the other person is coming from in terms of such history.
It’s absolutely correct. Self-help, most people don’t give a fuck. They’re not interested in it. That’s why communism and socialism, and collectivism, and having the government be your mommy is so appealing to most people, because the overwhelming majority of people, they don’t want to be self-reliant. They don’t want personal responsibility for their lives. Because if people have to accept that the state of their lives, the state of their bank account is their fault, that’s extremely painful and uncomfortable, and they want nothing to do with it.
That’s why it’s so easy for politicians to come up with a straw man or boogeyman to say, “Oh, the reason you’re broke is all those evil rich people. The reason your career sucks is, it’s white privilege,” or some other kind of societal problem that has to do with race or class or gender, which is what Marxists have been doing for as long as Marxism has been around.
And when you look at the history of Marxism, when you look at Engels and Marx, these are a couple of snot-nosed fucking rich kids that came up with this. They looked at the world, because they were born with a silver spoon in their mouths, and they wanted to remake society in their image. In other words, they wanted to run everything.
They came up with this collectivism, that they’re going to get everybody to turn on the political class, and then they’re going to sit at the top of it. Just like the woman who is one of the co-founders of BLM that’s been in the news lately because of all of the mansions and stuff that she’s bought. And a lot of people are giving her a hard time about it. Even in interviews, you can see she’s a trained Marxist. And trained Marxists, what they expect is that when their commie paradise gets instituted, that they’re going to be at the top of the food chain, that they’re going to keep all their wealth.
And quite frankly, when you look around the world where communism has been instituted, the elite always keep their money, and everybody else just becomes miserable and poor. And so, when you look at people like Marx or Engels who came up with communism, what they really wanted to do was run everybody lives, because they were born with a silver spoon in their mouth, and they never had to struggle for anything. Most people don’t understand that, and they don’t know the history behind it.
And so, when somebody comes along and says, “Hey, I’m going to take care of you. And the reason why your life sucks, it’s not your fault. It’s this group over here. It’s this thing over here. This group over here is screwing you over. Vote for me, and I’ll take care of it and make it all fair,” in reality, they just want to run and regulate every aspect of your lives. That’s why I’m so adamantly in favor of self-reliance, and anybody that wants to control and regulate and run every aspect of my life or anybody else’s life, I’ve got something to say about it. Because I’ve gotten to where I am in life, because I worked for it.
But back to self-reliance, that’s why most people don’t want to do it. It’s hard. It’s painful forcing yourself to go to the gym when you don’t feel like working out, hop on a treadmill and go for a run when you don’t feel like it, or making green juice or smoothies, or eating healthy nuts or any of the things that I talk about in my second book, “Mastering Yourself.” Most people don’t want to do it. It’s unpleasant. It’s easy to be lazy. It’s easy to quit. It’s hard to persist and go after the things that you want in life.
All of those factors impact how people engage with each other, whether it be within a romantic context or not. So, maybe the woman, man or anything in between has some weird history that makes them reserved when first dating. I know I do, and I’ve had to work on myself (and continue to do so) for quite some time before coming to the table and saying, hey this is who I am, this is where I’ve been, and this is where I want to go.
Well, at the end of the day, if you’re not going to act natural and you’re not going to interact with men in a natural way that feels right, versus a way that you’re structured and you’re following a set of rules, most men aren’t going to want to stick around. They don’t want to put up with that. They don’t want to put up with a structured woman, because it’s like dating a robot.
Just like when guys act like a robot. Guys that read my book once or twice and they’re trying to use a pickup line or some kind of magic phrase that solves all of their dating or relationship problems, they end up acting like a robot that doesn’t come off as natural. And predictably, women reject guys who behave this way.
I feel like your book only scratches the surface. To be fair, compared to everything else out there, it touches on something fundamental most people miss: don’t settle. If you want a family, kids, a fulfilling life–the whole nine yards–don’t settle; it’s not good for you and your partner and it is definitely not good for the kids.
It’s totally a true statement.
But shouldn’t there be more of an equal give and take, versus an upfront 70/30 ratio of effort?
So again, this is more of your structuring, your programming from feminism. You were told things are supposed to be 50/50. Well, here’s the reality, the harsh reality. Talking to a guy that’s answered tens of thousands of these emails and tens of thousands of phone sessions over the last 15, 17 years that I’ve been doing this, the numbers are the numbers. When a guy pursues more than 20-30% of the time, she either doesn’t fall in love with him or eventually he gets rejected because she’s like, “There’s something missing. There’s no chemistry. There’s not enough of a spark.” These are the kinds of things that guys hear when they follow your intellectual circle jerk ratio. That’s reality.
If it’s 50/50, predictably, when I ask a guy, “How much where you reaching out first? How much was she reaching out first?” and he’s like, “Yeah, it was 50/50,” before he even spends the rest of the time in his story, I know he got friend zoned. Just because when it’s 50/50, it’s as predictable as the sun coming up in the East and setting in the West. And to try to propagandize people or society that, “Oh, it should be 50/50 and this is how you should act,” it’s not natural. You’re trying to get people to behave naturally, because, again, this goes back to Marxism. They want to make everybody equal, therefore, everything should be 50/50. It sounds normal, but it’s not how the Creator made men and women.
And the reality is, if a man is focused on his mission and purpose in life, like I said earlier in the video, he’s going to do most, if not all, of the pursuing in the first few weeks. But as a woman feels safe and comfortable and he passes her tests of his strength, she’s going to start calling and texting and pursuing him more. And women just naturally do this. Women that listen to all this feminist crap, they act like robots and they get rejected. And they have a hard time getting guys that want to date them consistently, because they act like a bunch of robots. They don’t act like normal women. That’s reality.
And I’m sure you’ve probably experienced that in your own life, because obviously I can sense the frustration in your email. You’re mad because what you were told has turned out to be a lie, just like everything that the Marxists say. Lying is part of the deal. It’s a feature. It’s not a bug in the system. It’s like the old adage from the Soviet Union, “they pretend to pay us and we pretend to work.” That’s why most things that were built under communism sucked. If you look at the architecture from the Soviet era or their cars, it was crap, absolute garbage.
There’s no incentive to make something spectacular. You take the incentive away from people, and then you get a bunch of program drones in a miserable society that eventually collapses. It always collapses, and it always collapses after tens of millions of people have been murdered or genocide, or whatever you want to call it. That’s reality, that’s historical reality. I did a documentary on it called “Socialism & Capitalism,” which you can watch on my YouTube channel.
I don’t know. There has got to be a happy compromise where people just stop playing games and start being comfortable with the discomfort of how human we all are. Life isn’t an Instagram account.
That’s great to wish that people stop playing games, but the reality is, especially when it comes to women, women test men. They test their strength to see if they’re competent or not, if they’re competent at getting the things that they want in life or not. You also have people in the part of the red pill community, these guys that are pissed off at women. They’re butt hurt and they write books about it, how horrible women are, and “hypergamy doesn’t care,” blah, blah, blah. You know, these kinds of statements from these fucking pussies that did a terrible job of vetting women.
They try to turn a hoe into a housewife and then she cheats on them or screws them over, and it’s the women’s fault. But they don’t want to take any personal responsibility for the fact that they tried to turn a hoe into a housewife. And they’re mad at women in general, because they did a shitty job of pre-qualifying their dating prospect. That’s what being self-reliant is all about. You don’t blame anybody else. You say “It’s all my fault, 100% of it is my fault.” Because if you don’t take 100% responsibility for your own life and it’s somebody else’s fault, you can’t fix it, you can’t fix yourself. Because if it’s not your fault, there’s nothing to fix. If it’s somebody else’s fault, it’s somebody else’s responsibility to fix it.
So, you can do all the blog posts you want and rant about women and hate on women for the way that they are, but if you act like a bitch and you try to date chicks from the fucking sewer or trailer trash, and you get dicked over, and you’re upset about it, it’s like, well, you’re an idiot because you didn’t properly pre-qualify your dating prospects. Be a fucking man, grow a set of balls and do the right thing. Take care of what you can control, and properly vet women before you decide to put a ring on their finger. Look at their past history. If they’ve cheated on every guy they’ve ever been with, and they’ve never displayed any kind of integrity, and they come from a broken home, and you think you’re going to be some kind of white knight that’s going to change them into the perfect woman, that’s not going to work long term.
It’s like the scorpion and the frog analogy. What happens is, there’s a frog swimming around in a pond, and the scorpion’s like, “Hey Mr. Frog, I need to get on to the other side. Let me jump on your back, and you can swim me over there.” He’s like, “You’re a scorpion, you’ll sting me.” And the scorpion goes, “Come on. Don’t be silly. Nobody’s coming to take your guns,” (kidding). “Oh, I would never do that, because if I sting you on the back when I’m on you, then you’re going to paralyzed and you’re going to sink and drown, and then you’re going to drown me as well.” And the frog goes, “Oh yeah, makes sense. Why would why would you sting me? Because then we both die.”
So the frog’s like, “Alright, hop on and I’ll swim you across.” He’s like, “Cool, thanks.” He hops on his back, they get to about the middle of the pond, the scorpion stings the frog, and as the frog’s getting paralyzed, he’s like, “What are you doing? Now we’re both going to die.” And the scorpion’s like, “Hey, I’m a scorpion. That’s what I do. I sting things.” That’s the analogy.
If you let a scorpion get on your back, you try to turn a hoe into a housewife and you get burned, if you date a woman who’s cheated and lied constantly her whole life, or she comes from a family of liars and cheaters, and then you’re surprised that she screws around or fucks your best friend, whose fault is that? It’s her fault? No, it’s your fucking fault because you did a terrible job of vetting her. Be a fucking man, accept ownership, accept responsibility. Say, “I’m going to do better next time.” That’s what men do. Little babies and fucking beta males complain about and write books bitching about women. It’s like, grow the fuck up. Man the fuck up.
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“Women are naturally attracted to men who display the most dominant male strength characteristics. Men who are healthy and successful in life display their competency by being self-reliant with or without being involved romantically with women. When it comes to raising kids, women are natural nurturers and typically spend the most time raising kids when they are young. They usually will forego their careers and goals in order to be stay at home moms. In order for a woman to feel safe and comfortable enough to submit to a man’s leadership, he must consistently demonstrate his ability to persist and provide a stable home environment. During the courtship and while in relationship, women test men to determine if they can handle her tests of his strength. Does he remain centered when she is unsure, changes her mind, gets emotional, is difficult to be around, moody or her interest seems to be hot and cold at times? Just like in nature, the most dominant males tend to have the best genes and produce the strongest offspring to ensure their genes get passed on to the next generation. Weak men get rejected while strong men get easy access to the box.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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