This is a question from another coaching client of mine. He wants to know how to attract a girl that only thinks of him as a friend. It’s a great question and a situation that all guys have been in before at some point in their life.
Here is his question:
Alright, here is the deal. I’m 18 right now, and in college. Last year, When I was a senior in high school I began to like this girl. Before liking her, I was very confident around her and would crack jokes on her often, but once I began to like her, I stopped joking with her as much and began to comment on how cute she looked or help her with whatever I could. I kept on trying to get to know her better and continued doing the “nice” things for her for about six months. After that, I actually grew the balls to ask her out. After school one day, I walked up to her, and as we were walking, I asked her if she wanted to go hang out or eat together sometime. She said sure, to just call her sometime, and then right after that, I left. I was very excited, thinking this would be my first date ever. She actually said yes! A day or two later, I called her and she did not answer, so I called once or twice more and left a message. A few hours later, she texted me saying she didn’t know that I liked her like that and didn’t want to go out with me. That made me kind of angry, but of course I responded nicely, and said it was cool. Now, another six months or so later, I’m back home on break from school, and that attraction has once again come to the surface. I’m not sure what to do. I have heard, while I have been gone, my friends always bug her and say she is going to marry me some day. I don’t know if that helps or hurts. What should I do? I still like her, but I’m not sure if I should do anything.
Thanks so much,
Here is my response to his email:
One thing you must realize is that women don’t care how much you like them. They don’t care about your interest level in them. They only care about their interest level in you. As you probably figured out in this particular situation, being “nice” got you nowhere but the “I did not know you liked me like that” and gave you another version of the dreaded, “lets just be friends” response. When I was younger I heard that all too often, so I feel your pain. It really sucks when that happens. However, you should pat yourself on the back for having the balls to ask her out. So even though nothing happened with this girl, you asked her out, even though she flaked on you. I know why you got angry when she canceled your date. You may have been thinking, why the hell would she say yes and then cancel? It’s called low romantic interest level. Your friends telling her the two of you are going to get married does nothing to help your case. Personally, this girl is out of the running for your affection unless she magically does a 180 on you. However, from what you have told me, that does not appear to be in the cards. This girl knows you like her. There is absolutely no reason to tell her this or compliment her on her looks. These things do NOTHING to raise her interest level in you. The only thing you can do is to forget about her. If you do see her, you can tease her and bust on her like I talk about in my book and CD’s. The best thing you can do is to continue to work on improving yourself and becoming a better man. Continue to apply what you have learned in my book with new women, and refine your skills. A corporate turnaround expert and CEO of four major multimillion dollar corporate turnarounds told me this quote that I love so much: “You don’t have to be great to start, but you have to start to be great.” That means you need to start practicing and improving your skills with women if you want to really be successful with women.
I once totally sucked with women. You have more guts now than I did at your age, and there is nothing I have done that you can’t do also, and even greater things. When you do see her or are around her say things like the following: “I know you want me, it’s only a matter of time.” When she says “I do not like you in that way.” You say, “I know, but you will. I’m just too damned charming, handsome, and irresistible. Pretty soon you’ll be begging me for my phone number, and then probably start calling me all hours of the day and night trying to seduce me. Don’t feel bad, I get this kind of thing all the time. Lately I just seem to have that effect on women. They won’t leave me alone.” She may start saying, “whatever, you’re dreaming,” then you say, “you can try and hide your true feelings and intentions towards me all you want, but eventually you won’t be able to control yourself.” Tell her, “you know, some chick left this voicemail the other night at 3:00 in the morning, panting and breathing, and moaning on the phone. It sure sounded like your voice. You should just be more direct next time you feel like that. I don’t like to play games, and the messages you have been leaving kind of creep me out, so just cut it out or you will blow your chances with me.” You say these things with a confident smirk on your face. A voice tone that would cause her to not be sure if you are serious or just joking. You say it in a very matter of fact tone, without laughing or waiting for a response or reaction from her. You don’t care what she does or how she reacts. Act as if you are almost a little annoyed by her being so shy about her true feelings towards you and that she is being a little silly by trying to hide them. When she sees you doing this she may act annoyed at the absurdity of the whole thing. But in your mind, act as if it’s the truth. Daniel Craig’s 007 character said, “maybe you’re just out of practice” to the hot brunette in Casino Royale after he just won her abusive husbands car in a card game. He had invited her to go for a ride with him and she said, “It’s been a long time since I’ve been bad.” For the first 3-4 seconds after he says “maybe you’re just out of practice,” she looks at him with this how dare you suggest such a thing, and has almost a mean look on her face; he gives her nothing but that boyish, I just flushed an M-80 down the toilet at school look. It’s mischievous, playful, confident, and despite her nasty look initially, she breaks into a smile and a laugh. She then hops in the car to go with him. Her dirty look is her test to see if he really means it and if he is worthy of her submitting to his will. Had he apologized or said he was sorry, she would have walked. However, he stood his ground and assumed and acted as if this kind of thing happens all the time, which of course it does. He’s James Bond!
Women can’t walk away from a guy they can’t control or have their way with. Visualize and pretend what it would be like if women were constantly calling and trying to catch you, and then act as if that kind of thing happens all the time. It would totally change the energy you put out, your presence, and most importantly, how women respond to you.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur