Why normal, healthy women don’t dump men they are in love with, only men they have lost attraction and respect for.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been following my work for a few years and has read 3% Man 16 times. He just broke up with his girlfriend of a year after she revealed she was going on a sabbatical with her friends for three months and didn’t want him there with her. She started becoming distant and cold in the past three weeks, and he matched and mirrored that behavior until she told him about her trip. He said he was out if she didn’t want him around.
She left, and he hasn’t heard from her since. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
Before we get into this, I going to go through one of the things that’s in my book, How To Be A 3% Man. It’s on page 149, and this is the Attraction Table. I’m going to read about what a woman does when she’s in love with you, when her attraction is in the 9-10 range on a scale of 1-10. And then you can decide, does this sound like she’s really crazy in love with this guy, or not? Obviously, he’s read the book 16 times, I’m sure he feels like, “Hey, I was doing everything that seemed textbook.” But you’ll be able to see there’s something that’s been missing. And, again, we’re assuming that she’s healthy and normal and not a total fruit loop.
I’m just going to read a little bit, and this is from page 149 in my book, 3% Man. You can read it for free at UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just subscribe to the email newsletter. After I go through this, I want you guys to notice, as I’m reading through this guy’s email, are you getting a feeling or a sense? Because, the idea is you’re kind of having to use intuition, so do the actions of this woman in their relationship, and how he describes it, does this sound like a woman who’s crazy, head over heels in love, or a woman who is just kind of going along?
So, in my book it says, “Attraction Level 9 to 10: Love starts at 9. She will say things like, “Where is this going?” which means, “When are we going to get married or become exclusive?” If she says “I love you,” that puts her in the 9 range. In this range, she’s very affectionate. When you pick her up, she jumps into your arms. She kisses you, she wants to hold hands, she wants to have her arm around you. She’s all over you. She just can’t seem to get enough of you. Being with you is like a drug to her. She will do just about anything you want. She buys you gifts, writes you cards, leaves you notes, builds you up to others, defends you, etc. This only applies if she is a giver. Some women can be totally in love with you, and if they are not a giver, they will do none of these things.”
“She is calling you all the time or calling you once or twice a day to say, “I can’t wait to see you again. I had such a great time.” This is telling you, “Hey, I’m wide open. I want to see you. I want your attention. I want all of your presence.” When a woman is in love, she wants your attention all the time. She thinks about you, and sings about you, and is totally consumed by you and thoughts of you. She tells you all the time how much she loves you. She tests you very little, and when she does, they are easy to pass.” So, that’s from page 149.
I’ve been a student of your work for 2-3 years now and have purchased and read 3% Man at least 16 times. I just broke up with my girlfriend of just over a year, (she is 45, never married, no kids, and I am 46, divorced with a kid), and am having some trouble understanding some of the reasons why.
Well, one red flag that kind of jumps out, the woman’s 45 and never had a relationship longer than a year. You could say, does this woman have commitment issues? Is she a fruit loop? And, obviously, before we get into it, she’s CEO of her own company, so she’s very successful. And it takes being in your masculine to compete in the real world and be a successful CEO. And so, these kinds of women, they need a really super strong man who they admire and they respect. Guys that are squishy and soft, they’re not going to respect or want to stay with at all.
Everything was great between us until the last 3 weeks, when my girlfriend started backing off and going cold on me. I matched and mirrored her behavior and gave her plenty of space to come back to me.
Well, one thing is, as you noticed that, I would have said, “Hey, you seem a little distant lately. What’s going on? What’s on your mind? You’re not like you were before. You’re not as affectionate. You’re kind of cold lately. The other night you said this or you did that, and that seemed out of character for you. What’s going on? What’s on your mind?” Because you don’t want to just sweep it under the rug and kind of act like an emotionless zombie or a robot. I mean, you can tell there’s something off because you’ve been together for a year. This is not somebody you just started seeing. So, obviously, something is up.
We were out on our 1-year anniversary date that I scheduled, and everything seemed to be going great. After dinner and drinks out, we came back to my place and were setting up for her to stay overnight. As we were starting to get naked and kissing, she stopped me and said that she felt emotionally shut down.
As soon as she says “I feel emotionally shut down,” it’s like, “Babe, what do you mean?” Tattoo it on your forehead, “What do you mean, babe? What do you mean?” That’s one of the best, most effective questions you can use to get a woman to open up and talk.
I gently and lovingly tried to get her to talk about what was bothering her, and we started talking about her upcoming 3-month long sabbatical plans. She is the CEO of a company she started many years ago and is transitioning to a less day-to-day role after the sabbatical that she was recently granted by her company’s board of directors.
You can also say, at her age, she’s 45, never had kids, never had a family, she’s probably been married to her job her whole life, and relationships have taken a backseat. She’s in her masculine, more than likely, because growing up, she was probably forced to be very masculine and take on that kind of masculine role, and she probably made some kind of decision that she had to be tough. She had to be more manly or be man-like in order to survive and feel safe.
And so, it’s understandable that a woman like this, who’s never had a relationship longer than a year, would have problems with that – especially getting close to a guy, because she’s just never experienced it. That’s not something she is normally used to. And as I’ve said many times, the women that make the best candidates typically come from good homes where mom and dad are happy, they love one another, they communicate well. They’re still playful. Even after many years together, they have a great time together. They communicate, they work out their differences. They mutually admire and respect one another.
The girl respects her dad. Her mom really loves her dad. They’ll say things like, “My dad is my rock. My dad’s my everything. I go to him for everything.” And what happens is, when you get into a relationship with a woman and her dad is the rock, assuming she’s healthy, and you do what’s in “3%, Man,” you become her rock. You become the guy that she comes to for advice and a sounding board for everything.
But women that grow up without that, unless they’ve done a lot of work, or they’ve done therapy or self-help, which very few people are willing to do, they’re never going to learn these skills. And, obviously, the older they get, the more set in their ways they are. And this woman’s 45, 46 years old, never been married, never had kids.
So, if she’s taking three months off, she’s like a free agent and probably is going through a little bit of a midlife crisis type of thing. Maybe she’s getting her golden parachute, and now she can pretty much do anything she wants. She’s probably worked her ass off her whole life, and now she’s like, “What do I want to do with the next chapter of my life?” Remember what I talked about with a woman who’s head over heels in love with a guy. A woman who is head over heels in love with a guy is not going to be like, “Hey, I’m going on a trip for three months, and I don’t want you around.”
Anyway, after hearing about some of her finalized plans, she said that she wasn’t sure she wanted to include me on any of them.
Ouch. Does that sound like the actions of a woman who’s head over heels in love and thinks the world of this guy, this guy is the center of her life? It doesn’t sound like it to me.
That if she was going on a sabbatical, she wanted to go on sabbatical.
In other words, “I don’t want you around.” Remember, she’d been backing away for the previous 2 to 3 weeks, and he didn’t open her up or say anything. He just matched and mirrored that behavior and gave her space. But again, when you notice your woman’s getting cold and distant, you’ve got to say, “Hey, what’s up? You seem a little distant. Something’s a little off. What’s going on? Is something on your mind? Is something troubling you?”
The trip consists of about 30 stops across the country, and several of her friends who live in town are flying out or driving out to meet her, so this long-term trip isn’t just for herself. She just didn’t want me involved.
But she wants all of her friends involved, her girlfriends. Who knows, maybe she goes both ways and some of those girlfriends she’s hooking up with. Who knows? You don’t really know. All I can say is, I’ve read this email three or four times, and it doesn’t seem like a real deep sense of closeness and respect. It seems kind of like the relationship has always kind of been cold , indifferent and distant, and kind of mechanical. There’s no passion.
I mean, I have tons and tons of letters and cards from girlfriends I’ve had over the course of my life, even going back to my wife, just gushing, lovey dovey, all the things they love about me. So, when I read this, I know when a woman’s in love – what she thinks, and what she feels, and the way she talks, and the way she acts – and this almost seems like it was a business arrangement for her. She enjoyed the company, she enjoyed the sex, but now she’s going to go off. She wanted you to be exclusive to her, and then basically, after a whole year together of being exclusive, “Hey, I’m going to take three months, and I probably don’t want you there.” That really makes you feel good, huh?
I told her that waiting around for 3 months while she traveled the country with all her friends was bullshit, and I didn’t want someone in my life if they do not value me enough to include me in theirs.
Yeah. As Doc Love used to say, “A woman votes with her feet. If she’s with you, she voted for you.” But she’s basically saying, “I don’t want to talk to you for three months.”
I told her that I would work with her through whatever block she was having, (she has never had a relationship longer than a year and has communicated several times she has commitment issues), if she wanted to, but I was out otherwise.
So, she says she’s got commitment issues. Again, it’s like she allows a guy to get close, but not too close. And I’ve met women like this. They’re just emotionally messed up. I had a girlfriend, I remember we were talking, and she was very talkative for the first couple of months or so of dating. And then, I remember one night, we were just chatting and she’s like, “I talk all the time.” She’s like, “I talk too much. So, Corey, tell me something.” I was like, “Well, what do you want to know?” She’s like, “I don’t know. Tell me something.” I was like, “Well, what do you want to know?”
If somebody loves you and cares about you, there are specific things they want to know about you. And I remember after that, she became very distant and very guarded and wasn’t as open and talkative. It’s like, we got close, but then there was some kind of barrier. And she grew up without a father. Her father had died when when she was a little girl. She was still in elementary school when he died. And so, I got close to a certain point, and it’s like there was some kind of emotional blockage there.
She then gathered her things, we hugged, she left, and I haven’t heard from her since. That was a few days ago, and I have been applying no contact since then.
Never try to keep somebody in your life who doesn’t want to keep you in theirs.
Like many of your other coaching videos and newsletters, I feel I invested a lot into this woman and am not exactly sure where the switch for her went off.
Well, quite frankly, as I’m reading through this whole thing, obviously from what I read about the interest level table from my book on page 149, I don’t see any evidence of that kind of deep passion. It seems like the whole relationship was kind of cold and distant. She was into it to a degree. And I think this guy, probably because he really liked her a lot, he was assuming, just because she was with him, that she was just as much into him as he was into her.
Like the title of the video says, women don’t dump men that they’re in love with and can’t live without. They dump men that they either lost attraction for, or they don’t respect, or they’re just not that into. These are not the actions of a woman who’s like, “I can’t live without you.” This is a woman who’s like, “Hey, it’s been great for a year, but now I’ve got three months,” and she leaves.
We went out on over 100 dates during that year, and never discussed moving in, getting married, etc.
When a woman’s head over heels in love with you and she wants you all to herself, she’s going to bring those things up. And, after a year together, if she never brought them up, she wasn’t feeling it. And so, I would say, part of the problem is you were not paying attention to her interest in you. Women only care about how they feel about you. They don’t care how much you love or care about them. The only thing that matters is what they feel for you. And I would say, based on that, this guy was a little too into her and he was just blinded by his own interest.
But again, the other obvious, glaring red flag was that, at her age, never having a relationship of longer than a year, she’s probably always dated guys that she kept at arm’s length and never got too emotionally invested in, because that way she’s not going to get hurt. Some women are like that. They’ll date guys that they don’t feel are on their level, or guys that they feel they can control, or guys they’re just not that into, because they don’t have to worry about getting hurt. And then, when they decide they want to go on a sabbatical, or in this case, she wants to go off and do something else without him, it’s easy for them to do, because they literally feel nothing emotionally.
We were exclusive 11 out of those 12 months, sex was amazing, and she genuinely seemed happy and excited whenever we saw each other. Maybe she saw this 3-month trip as a way to hit the reset button on her life, I don’t know. Do you think she will be back?
Keep up the amazing work, brother.
Well, the quickest way to get somebody else’s attention is to remove yours. And you have now removed your attention, because she basically, in a pretty cold, businesslike way just said, “Well, this business deal is now over. I’m free to be a free agent,” and she left. If it was me and I and I was in this situation, I wouldn’t call her or text her again for any reason. You gave her a year of your life. After a whole year, I mean, that’s pretty cold and ruthless to say. You’ve been together for a year, and after all the times you’ve had sex and hooked up, and all the time you spent together, she’s just like, “Yeah, I’m going to go hang out for three months, and I don’t want you around.” That’s not somebody that’s in love with you. That’s somebody that you’ve kind of been a placeholder for.
And like I said, she’s either a fruit loop, mostly messed up, or this guy was subtly over pursuing and she was just kind of going along with it. I wrote about some examples of that in my book – women that just go along with a relationship and they’re not really into the guy. I mean, women are marrying guys all the time that they’re not in love with and they just go along with it. But that’s why she was able to just haul ass on you, pack her shit and leave, and you haven’t heard from her.
Now, it’s possible she’ll be back. I mean, if she has some feelings for you and really does care, she’ll be back. But the question is, do you want her back? Do you want a woman back after she treats you that way? I mean, that’s somebody that, if she ever did come back, I would just casually date her. I would never call or text her again for any reason. That’s why, if you do what’s in “3% Man,” a woman is going to eventually get to the point where she’s doing almost all of the calling, texting and pursuing, because that’s just feminine energy. They do that naturally.
It’s a process. It’s not manipulation. It just happens naturally over time. The guy starts out as the aggressor. He creates the first few dates, the first opportunity for sex to happen, and most normal women, by the second, third or fourth date, second, third or fourth week that you’re seeing each other, they start calling and texting more, because their interest is going up. They want to bond and connect.
When a woman is in love with you, she wants your attention all the fucking time, all the time. And so, based on this, she’s not in love with this guy. I don’t think she ever was in love with him. There’s no mention of love in here. There was never any mention of moving in together, or getting married, or any kind of future or anything like that. And like I said, just looking at this, he wasn’t paying attention, he was over pursuing, and was focused on his own interest and not really paying attention to hers.
And women will do this as well. They’ll have something lined up where they can kind of create distance. Because, when women want to get away from a guy, it’s because they feel smothered. And again, that’s assuming that she’s healthy and normal. And like I said, we see the red flag of never having a relationship of longer than a year. She never had kids. She’s obviously a very masculine, stoic kind of woman, you can just get the sense of that reading the email.
And so, you won’t know until you hear from her or not. But I would assume it’s over and you’re never going to hear from her again, and I would just start meeting and dating new women. I know it’s hard, it’s not what you want to hear, but based on her effort here, she doesn’t want any more of your time. It was pretty cold and heartless what she did. But, as I’ve said, you’ve always got to bottom line her actions. Are her actions the actions of a woman who’s head over heels in love with you and can’t live without you? Or are these the actions of a woman who enjoyed the sex and the time together, but now she wants to go and explore other things? I mean, if you bottom line her actions, the actions tell you everything.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, I encourage you to book a coaching session by going to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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“The more a woman respects, admires and loves a man, the more she wants to be around and in physical contact with him. The more she calls, texts and messages him. The more she talks about their future together and makes him her rock and her mountain of masculine strength. The less interested a woman is, the less she wants to be around him, touch him and be touched by him. The less she will call, text and message him. A healthy woman is like a cat and comes and goes as she pleases, but she doesn’t stay away too long before she starts missing her man deeply and wants to be close again. However, an emotionally unhealthy woman is hot and cold, selfish, extremely flakey and has Frankenstein boyfriend projects consisting of several men, but is loyal and faithful to none of them.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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