In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a female viewer who is frustrated with her romantic life. She shares that most men tend to over pursue her in the beginning, which is a turnoff for her, but as they start backing off and losing interest, then she starts to want and pursue them more. She feels that what I teach is simply using women to come over and have sex without any concern for what they want regarding a relationship. I point out what the real problem is with her dating life, and why she seems to continually attract men who are initially really interested, but then lose interest over time. I also tell her how she needs to modify her approach so she actually causes the men to want to stick around and be a part of her life on more of a long-term basis.
I’ve been listening to some of your videos. I’m a woman, and I know your stuff is for men. (I teach human behavior, the male/female dynamic, and 90% of my clients are men and 10% are women.) I consider myself a very feminine energy woman, so I enjoy a very masculine man. When I watch some of your videos, it really seems like they’re aimed at getting a woman to chase a man she likes. (Women chase men because they are natural bonders and nurturers. When they feel comfortable with a man, they instinctively reach out and try to connect with him.) This generally lowers our self-esteem, and it’s always been my belief that a man cannot really fall in love with a woman who acts like that. (If the guy is not reciprocating your feelings, you should back off. Don’t keep making an effort to keep someone who is rejecting you in your life.) I feel confused. I actually have had the experience, pretty much every time, of feeling diminished and his interest decrease when I, as the woman, contact a man I’m interested in. That’s bad for the relationship. (Communicate your value by not pursuing a man who does not value, appreciate and respect you.)
1) He’s usually over pursuing as you talk about. Good job on that.
2) Women need time to emotionally bond, in general, to develop sexual interest in a man.
3) We need romance and to know there’s long term potential.
Usually, even though he’s over pursuing, when he stops or decreases that, I will notice and feel sad although, yes my attraction increases. (It’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose their feelings are unclear, but the worst thing you can do is continually pursue when the man backs off. Because you are driven by fear, you will literally chase him out of your life.) As a woman, I want a real relationship, not a date where I have to call him, go to his place, bring him wine to get me drunk and have sex, only to be cast out the next day and not hear from him. (When you’ve been blown off, that person needs to earn you back. Don’t go out of your way to reach out to him. Make him contact you.)
Anyway, I will cut to the chase. Women like to be courted. Most of us want to be with one special man in a monogamous relationship, and for me, marriage. According to your advice, it does not sound like that’s anything you are encouraging men to do. (You obviously have never read my book. The bottom line is, you’re not backing off when guys are starting to not value you anymore.) A woman does not want to pursue a man and wants him to pursue her, because it makes her feel feminine and wanted, and the other does not. (Women who are natural and healthy will pursue a guy who treats them right. You need to do your part to modify your actions, because you are chasing guys out of your life.) What’s the best way for a woman to go about this without the guy thinking he’s a poor asshole being used for his time, money, and affection? (If he starts to take you for granted, then you should back off, and wait for him to reach out to you. Let him know it is important to you for him to put care and attention into making great dates. He needs to know you want to feel special and appreciated.)
Thanks for your advice,
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Women like to be courted by a man who is sincerely interested in who they are as a human being and not just because of their hot body and good looks. Women know that when a man is sincerely interested in them for more than just sex, that he will take the time to plan and create fun dates that can lead to great sex. Women know that if a guy takes the time and makes the effort to court them properly, that he really does care about them. The courtship never ends in a relationship. One of the quickest ways to kill a romance is to stop dating and courting your woman. If you don’t take the time to date and court her properly, no matter what you say, she’s going to look at your actions and assume you don’t care about her. “ ~ Coach Corey Wayne