In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a female viewer who is heartbroken over a man she was pursuing and wanted to be her boyfriend. She details how they met and how things progressed romantically over the course of five months. Then she told him she wanted to be his woman after he told her he loved her on two different occasions. Two weeks later, he broke it off and told her he did not think he would ever be ready for that level of a relationship with her. Six months later, she still wants him back and asks my opinion. It’s a great example of how women often make the same mistakes as men do, by ignoring reality and projecting their dating fantasy onto those they desire. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of her email.
Viewers email body:
I respect your work, and I have read your book. Does the same advice you give for men approaching women go for women approaching men when interested in meeting a new guy?(As far as women go, it’s absolutely acceptable to let them know you’re interested, but it’s also important, instead of projecting your interest onto them, to see what they do with that. If you’re a woman, and you’ve read my book, you can tell the behaviors a guy that’s got his shit together will exhibit. And when you see a guy who’s not exhibiting those behaviors, you know you really should be moving on. In this particular case, you should have moved on from this particular guy.
You’re ignoring reality, and that’s why you’re suffering. You want reality to be other than it is. This guy has some obvious flaws, and you’re ignoring that. You’re focused on what you want, and you’re ignoring the fact it’s impossible for him to give you that.)
Would you consider writing one for us ladies? (Maybe someday, but I doubt it.)
I’ve been divorced for 8 years and have had two significant relationships. I do very well, until I start asking a guy if he considers me his girlfriend. I’m in shape, I make good money and I take care of my appearance. The problem is, the two men involved refused to acknowledge me as a girlfriend. The latest man travels 4 days out of a week for business. He is divorced now 2 years, from a 28-year marriage he ended after he said he suffered years waiting for his sons to grow up to divorce his wife, who he claims wouldn’t cook, clean, cheated on him, and she never worked. Now she gets alimony, and she lives in the house they shared until 8 years expire.
(That’s why it’s really fucking important to date people that are on your socioeconomic level. What you want is an equal, a true teammate. It’s common sense, but remember, as human beings we make decisions and buy things based on emotions. Then, we use logic and reason to justify our purchase. I see that a lot, especially with guys with money. They date women that are really attractive, but they don’t bring anything to the table from a goal and financial value perspective. And then they wonder why they end up paying through the nose with alimony and child support.)When I met him, he noticed me twice. Once he left his phone number for me at a business we both frequent, and a second time he saw me out salsa dancing with another date, but didn’t realize it was me both times until our first date. (Men who have their shit together are direct, decisive and they get right to the point. If you’re a woman watching this, it’s important to see what the guy does. Does he just stare at you, and you can tell he’s kind of sheepish to approach? Pay attention to those things. That communicates a lot about his confidence and self-esteem.)
He seemed uncomfortable about seeing me with another guy, and asked what was up with that situation, and after we danced our first he looked at me and said, “So I guess you won’t need to dance with that other guy anymore?” I told him no, I was very, very happy to be with him, and I broke the dating relationship off with the other guy. (If a guy says something like that to you or he’s saying, “Do you want to be exclusive?” you want to ask, “What do you mean by that?” Whether you’re a man or a woman, and the other person says that, you want to ask that question, instead of making assumptions.)
He also pressed very hard for sex with me. He would go on about how beautiful I was, and how hot my body was, and he was looking forward to our bodies coming together. He texted me that he didn’t want a relationship, but if he did get into one, his woman should be smoking HOT!! At first I didn’t know him very well, and I told him I preferred intimacy in the safety of a relationship. He texted “then let’s see where the road takes us.” (That’s a good answer. That’s what I teach guys to say. That’s why it’s so important to look at what people do, not what they say.)After our fourth date, I explained to him that I was not interested in hooking up. I wanted to be intimate with a man who cared about me and saw potential. He said he cared, and that I was the first woman he invited to his apartment, other than family and his dance partner. Sex that night was HOT. We continued for months dining, dancing, cooking and spending days together. No fights.
After dating five months, I told him I wanted to be his woman after he mentioned our level. I felt safe asking, because twice he said, “I love you” in a playful way. We dated two more weeks, then he broke up with me over lunch saying he would never, ever be ready for that level of relationship with me. (That’s when you tell him, “I’m sorry you feel that way. Give me a call if you change your mind.” You’re not going to sit around and wait, because you’re looking for something real.)
We sat at a local restaurant while he texted his ex wife, saying they were planning funeral arrangements for her dead brother. He said his ex asked him if he was happy? He said he told her no, he was angry. I left blindsided and heart broken. (The idea is, you want somebody who’s ready, willing, able and open to a relationship.)
I felt for the second time like a fuck rag, only to be tossed into the garbage after I was no longer needed. (What you really did was, you projected your fantasy onto this guy. The guy spent almost three decades with one woman, he’s really only been single for about a year, and you were the first woman he dated. So it’s really unrealistic that somebody who’s been with someone that long is going to be ready for a serious relationship, especially when you notice these things that communicate weakness. You can tell by his responses, he’s telling you what you want to hear in order to get in your pants. And let’s face it, guys do that.)
He called me perfect. I don’t get it. (That’s why you look at what people do, not what they say. You were driven by your emotions, you were really into this guy, and you used logic and reason to take all of his bullshit answers, instead of looking at his actions. His actions and words don’t match up.)My heart is broken again. I tried no contact, and then texting him with thoughtful texts and asking him if he’d like to just dance. (No contact means you’re never going to speak again unless you hear from the other person. That means, that’s it. They’ve pushed you too far, you’ve walked and you aren’t looking back. The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it.)
He texted he’d love to when he wasn’t so busy traveling, but after 6 months, he hasn’t asked me to dance. Is there anything I can do? (If you’re looking for a relationship, it’s not going to happen with this dude, and I think you probably know that by now.)
I really want him back. (It’s not that you want him back. You want the fantasy of who you thought he was and who you wanted him to be. That’s why it’s so important to focus on your outcome. Focus on finding somebody and interacting with somebody that shares the same goals and values. This guy revealed a bunch of things in the beginning. You should have moved on down the road. The takeaway from this is, you’ve got to see reality for what it is, because whether you’re a man or a woman, when you want reality to be other than it is, you’re going to suffer. You can ignore reality, but you can’t ignore the consequences of ignoring reality.)
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Strong romantic emotions and feelings often cloud our judgment and ability to see reality for what it is. This causes us to make excuses for the other person’s imperfections and failure to live up to our fantasy of what we want them to be in our lives. The more we get burned by other people who do not live up to our expectations, the less we should be inclined to repeat the same mistakes in the future. If you are constantly attracting the same kind of people and relationships that never live up to your expectations, obviously either your approach is flawed, or you are consistently ignoring reality. The universe will keep sending us the same kind of people and circumstances to exploit our flaws and weaknesses, so we can overcome them and reach our full potential. A person’s actions are the greatest indicator of how they will treat us in the future.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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