Why women want respect, affection and romance to feel attraction, interest and desire for their men.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a woman who has been married to her husband for about fourteen years. They have three boys together. They are of the Orthodox Jewish faith. They have a mostly good marriage. However, when it comes to flirting, playful banter and intimacy, she says her husband is less than clueless.
She asks what can be done to help her husband incorporate more foreplay and turn her on to build anticipation, instead of just coming to her at night when he is ready to get it on and treating her like a call girl. It’s a good email to illustrate how the process of dating, sex and romance are the same in every relationship, no matter how many years a couple has been together. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of her email.
I do quite a few phone sessions with guys that are married or they’re in long-term relationships and the reality is, whether you’re together two months or twenty years, the seduction process and creating attraction is the same thing. The only difference is now you’re in a longer term commitment. And if you’ve gotten married, you’ve involved the government in your relationship.
Hi Mr. Wayne,
I’ve just watched your YouTube clip – the one about the art of banter – and I’m intrigued. I’m considering a paid phone coaching session but am unsure if you can help as my circumstances are wildly different to those you usually work with.
I’d say, you’re probably wrong about that, but that’s okay.
So, I figured you’re probably honest enough to tell me straight out whether or not you think you can really help once I’ve given you a brief overview of the issues involved. I apologize if that means it’ll be a longer email than you usually get. Before I explain, I’ve included some basic info in bullet points:
- I am an Orthodox Jewish woman, married to a lovely guy for the past 14 years.
- I’m the only woman my husband ever touched, dated or even chatted to besides for his mum, sisters etc. Yeah, I can practically see the eye roll and yes, you’re right, it’s NOT a good thing.
Well, it just means he’s inexperienced and didn’t have to participate in the normal dating world like the rest of us in the West do, especially if you had an arranged type of marriage, which I’m assuming something like that might have been involved in your particular situation. Because if he has to compete in the regular sexual marketplace, if you will, with regular guys in the West that know what I teach in my first book, “How To Be A 3% Man,” then he’s going to be behind the eight-ball, and he’s not going to do very well.
- We get on very well together and have pretty good communication.
- We have 3 boys aged 13, 11 and 7.
Bob, my husband, is a loyal, kind person with a great sense of humor, who likes to make me happy.
Well, it’s good that he has a good sense of humor, because that is essential. Love is playful and fun. You want to laugh, you want to joke around, you want kind of do silly, fun, playful things together, because there’s a lot of shit going on in life that you can get upset about. And if you’ve got somebody that you’re in a relationship with, the people that are in your inner circle that are fun, that are playful, easy going, easy to get along with, it makes the journey of life a hell of a lot more fun.
He helps with the kids; he gives me compliments on my cooking. However, he’s a real idiot when it comes to sex. It’s not that he doesn’t know how to touch me; over the years, I’ve taught him how to use his hands, mouth, etc. in ways that please.
It’s good that you were patient enough to teach him what you like and he was open enough to actually listen and take good, constructive feedback. So based on that, I would say if he listens to the things I suggest, then he should be fine.
In that sense, he’s pretty okay. However, Bob is pretty adamant about only having sex at night, and night doesn’t start before 11:30 pm.
I’m assuming that’s a religious thing, because if you never have sex in the day or on the weekends, it’s very robotic.
On rare occasions, he makes an ‘early night’ at 11:00, which means I’m pretty tired when it’s time for action. This makes for some seriously low libido, UNLESS I’ve been the recipient of some smart foreplay and teasing EARLIER IN THE DAY.
And it’s precisely this which Bob sucks at. But I’m not sure you can help him, because the guys you advise on YouTube aren’t anywhere close to the sort of level my dear hubby’s at. If they’re like, beginners, he’s like pre-pre-preschool.
Obviously, he can learn. If he learned how to get you off in the bedroom, you can teach him if you’re patient and you’re not being pissed off and calling him names. Because if you’re berating him in order to get him to do what you want, what you’re doing is causing him to not feel successful.
One thing that us guys are driven to do is, we’re driven to feel successful. And if you’re constantly bitching and complaining and giving negative feedback, instead of constructive criticism, help and assistance, eventually he’s just going to tune you out and give up. Because he’ll feel like, “Hey, nothing I do makes her happy. She’s always pissed off. She’s always bitching at me.”
Here are some of the things he says to me when he wants to have sex:
- Okay, I’m dead tired, quickly come here and let’s make it.
Come on man. I’m expecting you’re going to have him watch this video, because he definitely needs to watch it.
- Listen, are you coming to have sex, or not? It’s late, and I have work tomorrow.
- Come into my bed and sit on top of me.
- It’s not fair. We never do it anymore. Do you want to do it now?
Now, that sounds like something a little child would say that doesn’t know any better.
Obviously, both of you should read this book,”How To Be A 3% Man,” because it’s like he’s treating you like a hooker. “Hey, it’s time for sex, woman. Get your ass in here and get naked. Bend over so I can have my way with you. Just bend over the bathroom counter, and I’ll finish up really quickly.” Sounds exciting, sounds compelling.
As I talk about in my book, part of romance is going out on a date, talking to each other. It sounds like he does a fairly good job of talking to you and opening you up, but if your religious reasons are you can only have sex late at night, that makes it kind of hard. It’s like, where’s the spontaneity of it?
Let me give you some examples. The way I’ve always interacted with my girlfriends is that everything is playful and building tension throughout the day. Like sometimes when we’ve been in public — even with girlfriends I’ve had that have kids — say we’re at a bowling alley or something, everybody is busy. We’ll walk by each other, side by side, and I’ll reach my hand, just very casually where nobody can see, and just gently graze my fingers over her pussy. And she’ll do the same thing with her hand and gently rub it over my balls and my cock.
There are little things you can do in the kitchen throughout the day. You don’t have to say anything. You just walk by and playfully touch each other sexually in a way obviously the kids don’t see. But these are the kinds of fun foreplay.
If you’re only going to have sex at night, you can be doing these kinds of things during the day. He can be saying things to you like, “Babe, is it cold in here? What’s with the high beams?” Simple things like that, where you’re just kind of teasing and being playful.
Or, what I always like to do — and I’ve shared this a bunch of times — but I’m like a little boy. I’m kind of playful and mischievous. I’ll start playing with her nipples, and they get hard, and I’ll go, “Are you cold? Maybe you need to put a sweater on, because you’ve got high beams on.” She’ll be like, “You did that.” I’ll go, “No I didn’t. It wasn’t me.” Just silly stuff like that, goofy, being playful.
If she’s wearing yoga pants, “Babe, you’ve got some sweet-ass camel toe going right now, and later on, I’m going to tear you up.” And then you go back to reading you book, or whatever you’re doing. It’s like planting seeds. It’s being fun throughout the day. It’s building that anticipation, so you look forward to it. There’s got to be more touching, more caressing, more playfulness, more sexual innuendo in a fun, playful way.
Here is when he says it: as we are both in bed after a long, tiring day. Say he says any of the above on Monday night. What will he have been like the entire Monday during the day? What will he have done to flirt, to put me in the mood?
I can understand where you’re coming from, but also, what have you done to turn him on? Have you just gone up to him in the kitchen and wrapped your arms around him and stroked his cock a little when he’s doing something? Or maybe he’s grilling out and nobody’s watching. You go over and you rub his dick a little bit, and then you just kind of walk away.
Those are the kind of things you want to do, and you want to encourage him. “I would like it if you would come up and just randomly rub me when I’m not expecting it.” And then walk away after that. It revs the engine up. So by the time night rolls around, and you’ve been kind of revving each other’s engines up, then you fucking go for it.
The answer is, nothing. He will still burp or fart loudly in front of me, ask me for help with his company emails, just act like nothing’s up. No innuendoes, cute texts, flirty phone, sizzling eye contact, calls, etc.
Okay, so you’re complaining and you’re being kind of a nag here. And guys don’t want a nag. If you want him to do these kinds of things, you’ve got to say, “Babe, I want some more sexual innuendo throughout the day. It’d be nice if you just came over and randomly rubbed my tits, rub my pussy a little bit.” And then just walk away as soon as he’s starting to get slightly aroused, and then go about your business.
Show him how you want him to make eye contact with you, because if you’re just complaining about it, it’s going to make him feel like, “Fuck! No matter what I do, all she does is bitch. All she does is complain.” You’ve got to give constructive, positive feedback. You’re trying to help him help you. Because complaining and being a nag and a bitch is just not the right way to go about it. It’s just going to make him shut down to you.
Oh, and here’s this other relevant fact about Bob. He’ll only touch me at night, in the bedroom, when we are about to have sex.
Well, obviously that should change. Again, if it’s a religious thing… me personally, I’m a spiritual person, not religious, so I love the fact that sex can happen any time during the day, or the morning, or the afternoon, or whenever. But if it’s only at night, because of your religious reasons, it’s like, okay. If that’s working for you, fine. And if it’s not, then maybe you should take that up with your rabbi or something. I don’t know. I just don’t have to worry about those things, which is nice.
During the day, there are no hugs, kisses, pinches, cheek stroking, pressing up his arm to mine when he passes me in the kitchen.
He could randomly come up and spank you on the ass, randomly pinch you in the butt, or say, “God, you look so hot in those pants. I’m going to tear you up later. You’re going to get it later when the boys are asleep.” Again, you’ve got to give positive, constructive feedback. You’ve got to ask him in a loving, sweet way to do these things.
As we have pretty good communication, we have discussed this lots of times and Bob agrees that he has no idea how to ‘do these things’ or do ‘verbal teasing’ which are so important to me.
Okay, so he has no idea. What you need to do is teach him. You’ve got to coach him. You taught him how to get you off in bed, and you’ve got to teach him these things instead of just saying, “Oh, he has no clue,” and that’s it. That’s just saying, “I’m not going to make the effort to try.
However, I can’t seem to teach him how to do it. He doesn’t seem to get it.
You giving up is not going to be helpful. You’re giving up on your marriage. You’re giving up on sex and intimacy and having fun.
For example, when I told him to touch me in a casual flirty way during the day, (and demonstrated), he came up to me the next day, put on these weird googly eyes and stroked my arm, after which he said ‘You see? I did it. Now, did that turn you on?’
It’s like, instead of getting pissed off, you should have just said, “It’s a good first effort, and I appreciate the fact that you did it. So, I want you to back up, and I want you to try that again, not going, ‘Mommy, did I get it right?'” Don’t be a douchebag about it, but make him repeat it a few times until he gets it right and looks you in the eyes and says something that you like that turns you on.
Show him how to do it. Practice it. Think about it. That’s what actors do. And normal guys that read my book “How To Be A 3% Man” and also my book “Mastering Yourself,” they practice these things. Repetition is the mother of skill.
It sounds like you taught him once, and it pissed you off because you didn’t like how he handled it, and you never tried it again. Well, that’s a half-ass effort, so you’ve got to do better. And you can’t bitch about it. It sounds like you just gave up. If you’re not getting satisfied, well it’s your fault because you gave up.
From these lines, he sounds like a total idiot, but I assure you he is highly intelligent in other ways.
Well, maybe you’re just kind of a crummy teacher, and you need to do better.
The question is, can you help him?
Only if he’s willing to help himself.
He says he wants to ‘go on a course’ or ‘learn flirting from a professional.’ Can you be that professional, or do you only work with people who are trying to chat up new partners?
Well, I don’t know where you got off thinking I only work with dudes that are just dating new people, because that’s simply not accurate. But what I would suggest before you guys book a phone session is that you both read book “How To Be A 3% Man,” and that you take the corrective action.
Practice these things. He’s got to practice, and you’ve got to be a better coach. You’ve got to be more patient with him. Just teach him. And again, if he’s willing to read the book, great. If you both read the book and you still feel like you want my help, then I would highly encourage you to book a phone session, and I can talk to both of you, so we can interact.
Thanks for taking the time to read this. Please let me know what you think.
If you just do these things — and I gave you some good, constructive criticism and feedback — and you practice it, you guys should be fine. But it sounds like you got kind of butt-hurt and gave up at the end, and you really haven’t tried since. Well, that’s a piss poor, shitty effort. If you’re upset that he’s not doing the foreplay properly, it’s like the person you see in the mirror every day, that’s the person you’ve got to blame. You’ve got to be a better teacher. That’s all.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Women need respect, affection and romance in a relationship to remain attracted and interested in their men. This means that the courtship never ends just because you are married, living together or in a committed relationship. Guys who fail in long term relationships do so because they either don’t know how to communicate and open up their women, or they stop dating and courting them properly and eventually become platonic roommates. If you don’t date and court your woman properly, eventually some other guy will.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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