How you should determine which women deserve exclusivity with you and those who don’t.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been with his girlfriend for the past four years. She works with her ex, whom she was with for ten years. She is hot and cold and it’s obvious she still has attraction and chemistry with her ex.
When things are bad, he acts needy and controlling, she moves towards her ex and wants space. He wonders if he should end the relationship because they fight a lot about this issue. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
What I like about this particular email, and so many of these that I do, is that you can read it and you go through itt and see the situation, and you think to yourself, “Man, I sure wouldn’t want to be in that kind of a situation.” And so, this particular guy has been with his girlfriend about four years now. The thing that makes it kind of sticky, or tricky, or the kind of thing that would have been like, “I would have never got an exclusive with this particular girl,” is that she was dating her boss for ten years and they still work together.
Obviously, this is making this guy very jealous. They have a lot of fights over it, and then when they don’t get along, she tends to move closer towards the ex, who is her boss, and she spends time with him. So, you can just imagine the yo yo-yo effect and the back and forth on this, and he’s trying to control things. He’s getting upset at her. They’re having fights or having arguments, and she’s like, “I need space.” So, she feels smothered. What a lousy situation to be in as a man.
What’s nice about watching these, or listening to me go through these, you can go, “Woo, I’m glad I’m not in that situation.” The thing is, when it comes to exclusivity, if you’re a man and you see yourself as a prize, a successful man who has a lot going on, that has reached the top tiers of success that most guys don’t, he’s going to have a lot more choices and a lot more options than the average guy.
But either way, you shouldn’t be so willing to become exclusive with somebody. There are just way too many guys that are desperate for a girlfriend or desperate for a relationship. And so, they get into weird situations like this, and he goes along with it, but it’s constantly creating friction. And he’s constantly getting upset at her about it, but quite frankly, she was like this when they met.
If it was me in this particular situation, I wouldn’t agree to be exclusive with a woman that’s working with her ex of ten years and you just started dating her. It doesn’t matter the situation, especially if you can tell that there’s chemistry there. I mean, they spent a decade as romantic partners together, and now they’re just going to continue working together like it’s not a big deal? You could see he causes problems and it literally pushes her back in this guy’s arms, and on top of that, she’s lying about time she spends with the boss.
So, if she had been wanting to have exclusivity with him and he had hesitations or he had reservations about being exclusive with a woman who works for a guy that she was in a relationship with for a decade, that’s the kind of thing where you say, “You know, I really love to spend time with you, and I think you’re amazing, and these past few months have been amazing, but you work for the guy that you were in a relationship with for ten years, and that’s the kind of thing that just kind of gives me pause. I’m not really crazy about this situation, so I’d just like to continue dating casually and see where it goes.”
Because the reality is there were obviously signs that there was still chemistry between her and her boss. And it’s like, you just don’t agree to become exclusive in situations like this. And you can you see as you go through the email, there’s going to be some face palm moments. I’m like, man, why would a guy put himself through this?
I have read your book 8 to 9 times. I have been in relationship with this woman for 4 years. We don’t live together.
Well, if after four years you’re not living together, it’s like, why are you even together? Because you’re going to know within the first six months to a year if you’re going to stay with them for a long time.
She agrees that we are mostly good together and we have lot of memories together. The real problem is her ex who is her boss, (she was with him for 10 years).
She could have easily gotten another job.
They sometimes travel for work reasons and also go on lunches. Whenever we fight, I see her bending towards him.
Yeah, if you act like a needy, insecure jackass and you’re arguing with her, because men who understand women, as I discuss in “How To Be A 3% Man,” they don’t argue. It’s just completely unnecessary. That tells me you don’t understand women, or you have zero emotional self-control. In other words, you’re constantly losing your shit around her, and getting upset, and getting angry and being perturbed.
This is not the kind of thing that’s going to make a woman feel safe and comfortable being with you. It’s, “Hey, take it or leave it. You can come, you can go. Either way, I’m cool. I’m the same person. I’m happy, I’m playful. If you stay, wonderful. And if you don’t, that’s great too, because I’m going to have a blast with myself, or my friends, or my family, or if we’re not exclusive, with other women I’m dating.”
In the beginning she has lied to me few times about meeting him out of the workplace.
Okay. So, she’s lying about spending time with her boss, who is also her ex of ten years. Right there, that disqualifies her from being exclusive. Because if a woman is going to lie to you and deceive you, she’s out. You don’t forgive that. That just shows she has zero integrity, and you don’t get into a relationship with somebody that has zero integrity. If they don’t honor their commitments, if they say one thing and they do another, you just simply don’t mess with that.
You can’t fix that. It’s not your job. They learned their integrity from their parents. And obviously, somebody that’s constantly lying has no integrity, because they learned that at home. It’s not your fault. It sucks for them, but if you want to keep your life a drama free zone, you just don’t become exclusive with somebody that lies to you. That’s just stupid. Come on, man.
Our fights are mostly because she’s too hot and cold and her inclination towards her ex.
Well, if you’re acting like a needy, insecure jackass — now, granted she’s working with her ex, which is not a good situation, but you’re not helping matters by getting totally perturbed. And so, you push her towards her ex through your unattractive behavior.
I used to feel jealous at the beginning, but slowly after lot of fights and time off, I have understood my value and act less jealous.
But at the end of the day, you’re still acting jealous. It’s unattractive. It doesn’t work. It does not attract women to you. Now, you obviously have reason to not like the situation, but dude, you’re four years down the line. You agreed to be exclusive with a woman that worked with her ex of ten years. That’s on you. You fucked up there. I would have never agreed to that.
But I should admit, it really drives me crazy.
Well, you’re choosing to put up with it.
Also, today when I see they are in touch also on weekend.
Who knows, maybe she’s still been hooking up with this guy off and on every time you drive her up a wall. Maybe she just goes and sleeps with him. You don’t really know. I mean, the bottom line is if she was really happy, really in love with you, really wanted to be exclusive, she would’ve stop working with this guy a long time ago. It sounds like she’s bouncing back and forth between the two of you.
Yesterday I found out that they were having a Facetime call. I got angry because I don’t think it is appropriate for her to keep in touch also on the weekend.
Okay. So, dude, she had ten years with this guy. You have four years with her. And their Facetiming each other and kind of talking like a couple on their private time that’s supposed to be between you and her, who, supposedly, your boyfriend girlfriend with.
This has been going on for a long time and yet you’re getting angry and upset, instead of just taking a step back and seeing it for what it is, that, yeah, she’s still attached to this guy. She’s still attached to the ex. She fucking works for him.
She said she has to maintain her balance with him or else he starts troubling her at work.
That sounds like the boss still has feelings for her, and so she’s been bouncing back and forth between the two of you guys. This is toxic. This is not healthy. This is dysfunctional. This is not the kind of person you get into an exclusive relationship with. This is a fuck buddy. This is a friends with benefits, sex playmate, that’s it.
And a woman like this, say you’re dating for a few months and she’s like, “I want to be exclusive,” you’re like, “Yeah. Well, I’m not really comfortable being exclusive with a woman who works with her ex of ten years. I’m not really down with that.”
Now, if she were to leave the job and go get another job, that’s a different story. But she didn’t do that. Why? Because she’s monkey branching between the two of you. She can’t let go of one branch unless she’s got a firm grip on the next one.
I got angry, as I asked her to create boundaries and not to succumb to the pressure and asked would it be okay for her if I was to do the same? Her response no problem, go ahead.
She knows it’s inappropriate, you know it’s inappropriate, what’s going on between her and her boss, but she didn’t do anything about it. And you’re getting angry about it. You’re suffering because you want reality to be other than it is. You’re never going to feel comfortable in a relationship with this woman, even if she did finally leave the job to go be with somebody else.
You’ve got four years of enabling her behavior and given her permission to monkey branch between you and the ex. And just like I said, the actions, it just seems like when she’s upset with you and things aren’t going well, she’s talking to him, probably hanging out with him, maybe having some nooners at work. You just don’t know. I personally would never be in a situation like this. This is nuts.
I feel I am obsessing over her and need a way out of it.
“I think we should just see other people, babe. You’ve been a lot of fun these last four years, but obviously something’s going on between you and your ex, and I’m not down with that. I’d rather find a woman that can commit to me fully. And after four years, you really haven’t. Even though you’re physically present with me, oftentimes, emotionally, you’re somewhere else.”
She always pushes me away after a fight, and instead of communicating she asks for space.
Well, you’re smothering her and you’re acting like a needy, insecure, control freak jackass. Any woman would act this this way towards you. But guys that love themselves, and value themselves, and see themselves as high value, and have other choices and other options would never be in a situation like this. I would never be in a situation like this. Absolutely not.
Even yesterday, we had a fight and she asked for space and time for herself. You think I should quit on this? She is a very stubborn type.
Well, you’ve been trying for four years to change this girl. How’s this working out for you? Obviously, not too well.
I have asked her many times if she wants to give that ex relationship a chance to which her reply is always NO, I only love you.
“Give the relationship a chance”? Well, it sounds like she’s still in the relationship with him. It just doesn’t look good, doesn’t sound good. You know, if she really loved you, really cared about you and was a really loyal and faithful woman, she would just say, “This is inappropriate, me working for my ex of ten years, who’s now my boss,” and they spent a lot of time together.
This is one of those situations like, you can ignore reality, but you can’t ignore the consequences of ignoring reality. It’s harsh, but it is what it is. You’ve got to see the situation as it is, not better than it is or worse than it is, but as it is. You’re projecting your fantasy of what you want, and you’re ignoring the reality that it’s just not salvageable.
You have four years with this girl. If you look at her actions, these are not the actions of a woman that’s going to be loyal and faithful. And if you were into having kids, you’re not to be able to have kids and trust her. It’s just not going to happen. You can’t fix that. You can’t make good wine from bad grapes.
So, if it was me and I was in this situation, I’d be like, “Hey, I think you’re great. I think we should have more of an open relationship. I don’t want to be exclusive anymore, or monogamous, because of this crap going on with you and your boss, and there’s obviously something going on there. I just thought that we can be friends with benefits, we can be sex playmates, but I’m not interested in being boyfriend-girlfriend, because I’m want to find a woman who loves me and values me and wouldn’t do the things that you do with your boss.”
“I don’t expect you to change — obviously, in four years, you haven’t — but I’m going to readjust the terms of our relationship based upon your actions and how you show up. We can hang out, we can have fun, we can hook up from time to time, but I’m looking for somebody that I can have a real relationship with, not this dysfunctional garbage.”
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“Men should be unperturbable, calm, humorous and playful towards their women. Women tend to be emotional, sometimes irrational and are incredibility connected to their empathetic and nurturing side. People are going to be who they really are no matter what you may want for them. Men can influence, encourage and gently lead women to where they want to go, but it’s women who must decide to follow or not. It’s always better to give people the space to rise to their potential or shrink from it. Men should never try to force anyone to be what they think they should be when they fail to live up to their potential. Love is allowing. Therefore, either love and accept people as they are without trying to change them or find someone better.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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