What it means and what you should do if she has low romantic interest, enthusiasm and effort.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss 2 different emails from 2 different viewers. The 1st email is from a viewer who met a girl on a dating app. Their conversation seemed to go well in his view, but 30 minutes before the date, she cancels and asks to reschedule but leaves him hanging.
The 2nd email is from a viewer who met a woman from work who seemed interested, but she was a little hot and cold and gave him the cheek when he tried to kiss her. Both women are making little to no effort, but the guys are making excuses for their behavior because they really like the women. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the bodies of their emails.
What most of us do, including women, is we project our fantasy of what we want the other person to be onto them, and then we ignore the reality of what they’re reciprocating or what’s coming back to us. The key is you just don’t want to get caught up wasting your time, spinning your wheels. Like I talk about in 3% Man, you want to make about two attempts to make a date. And if you get no enthusiasm, no interest, no willingness to make a date, it’s obvious the girl’s just not into you enough to warrant any investment of your time.
These two emails can be good, especially for people who are now, on what to avoid, so you don’t end up wasting months and months, hoping to turn nothing into something, just spinning your wheels, wasting a lot of your time, and getting frustrated in the process. Because you want to have a good experience in your personal life, not deal with women like this that are enjoying the attention, half-assing it, but really not reciprocating the same level of effort or interest.
Even though they may lead you to believe they are interested, the lack of enthusiasm is what you’ve got to pay attention to. Because we’ve all seen the movies and TV shows that kind of teach this thing about oneitis, where we meet “the one.” And in most of the movies, what you see is the guy’s really interested in the girl, and the girl’s not really interested in the guy. He spends the whole movie trying to jump through his butt to impress her and get her attention. And, eventually, at the end of the movie, she’s like, “Oh, I think I’m in love. I’m such a fool. You were there all along,” and then they live happily ever after.
In the real world where I live, when you see lack of enthusiasm and interest and effort, you don’t waste any more time. You just move on to find somebody else. But if you really like the girl, remember, we make all our decisions based upon our emotions, and then we use logic and reason to justify it. And so, if there is almost no effort or interest coming back from them and we really have high interest, what happens is we rationalize and we BS ourselves into thinking that there’s more there than there really is, and it just ends up wasting time.
It’s just not good emotionally for us to stay engaged with somebody that’s just not reciprocating, or not reciprocating on the level they really need to be. Because you want a woman who’s easygoing, easy to get along with, and who’s excited to see you, and talk to you, and make dates with you that she wants to keep, and is excited to see you. That’s super, super important to have a good experience.
First Viewer’s Email:
I hope you are doing great! First of all, I want to thank you for all the information you provide us to get better in our relationships with women. I have read the book two times, and I’m still learning new stuff from your videos.
Well, you’ve got to learn it, read it 10 to 15 times. Ideally, you can listen to the book on 2-speed while you follow along on a digital or physical copy, and then you can get through the book in under 4 hours. And then, you’ll get your 10 to 15 reads down very quickly doing that. If you’re just going to go through the book a couple of times and then try to cherry pick from videos, you’ll get some attainable success. I’ve done plenty of emails over the years where guys get attainable success, but they don’t listen and they don’t learn the book.
Or worse, they get into a relationship after only reading it once or twice, because the pickup in the dating skills work so well. But then when they get six months down the road, they never bothered to learn the relationship stuff, and things just go sideways and completely spiral out of control. And then, they revert back to their previous behavior before they even met the girl, and it just doesn’t end well.
Here is my story. I met this girl on a dating app, and she was super hot, (red hair and some hot tattoos with pretty white skin).
Sounds like she’s a little Irish.
We started talking about my profile, the conversation was keeping very interesting for both parts.
Well, that’s what he’s assuming. He’s assuming she was really interested, too. And this is part of the process, that we BS ourselves, “Oh, she really liked me. I could tell. We really love each other, Coach. Oh, but she went and slept with my friend. But we really love each other and care.” Yeah, but you ignore the fact that she slept with your friend.
I realized while we were chatting that this girl was very smart. I didn’t want to keep losing time, so I asked her for her number, and she gave it to me right away. Then we started talking through Whatsapp to know more about each other. She said she was a Beer Sommelier. Then she sends me a pic of her at a Brewing Factory. I answered, “Awesome! I love Factories. I think I’m an Industrial Engineer in my heart.” Then she said, “So, if I take you to a Beer Factory, sounds Like a perfect date.” (This line said to me that her interest was going the hell up.) “You are absolutely right,” I replied.
You can tell he’s enthusiastically grabbing onto any thread and going, “Oh, yeah, she really likes me!”
We kept talking about ourselves, and suddenly I said, “I have to tell you something.” She says, “Sure, tell me.” I answer, “I have to say, red hair is like Kryptonite for me.”
Yeah, I probably wouldn’t say that. You’ve got to think in terms of, (again, these are covered in the book), is this going to make you look confident? The number one most important strength characteristic that women love of men is confidence. And you’re just saying, “Oh, red hair. I’m not going to be able to handle it if you get in touch with me or if we’re together.” It’s just a bad way to go.
She replies. “My weakness is men with beards and long hair.” Then I answer to her, “Guess I fell short with the hair.”
These are little subtle things that you’re communicating. And if her interest is really high, you can get away with these things. But if her interest is low to mediocre, and you’re basically going, “Oh darn! Shucks, I guess I don’t I don’t measure up. I don’t match what you’re looking for. Darn it, I hope you like me,” that’s a lack of confidence.
I think I shouldn’t have said that.
Well, he kind of knew.
But anyway, then she replies, “By the quality of the conversation we are having, you are not falling short about anything.”
So, she could tell in your communication that you don’t think you’re good enough for her. That’s the last kind of vibe that you want to be giving to a woman. You want to be giving confidence. Like I said, if her interest is super high, if it’s a 7 or an 8 on a scale of 1 to 10, you can get away with that. But if it’s only a 5 or 6 and you’re talking that way, that may be all it takes for her to lose interest and respect for you.
I was impressed by that answer, but this kept me going for more. Then she asks me if I like tattoos too, (this was telling me that she was looking for my approval.) I replied with, “Why you don’t show them to me?” She replies, “I can show you some, but not all of them yet.” Then I reply, “Not all of them, yet :)” She says, “I like your confidence.” Then I finally tell her, “If you prefer to show me your tattoos in person, we better go for a drink,” so we made definite plans to meet each other. Until this point, how do you think I did, Coach?
Well, like I said, a couple of your responses communicated the opposite of confidence. And she even noticed and felt that. And, again, if her interest in you is marginal and you’re displaying a lack of confidence, even though she says, “Hey, you’re good,” later on, if she’s thinking about it and seeing how she feels about it, her interest is going to go the opposite way.
We didn’t talk until the day of our date came, almost a week. I remember your advice, “If she doesn’t reach out, you better keep pursuing your dreams.”
That’s not in the book. I don’t know what you’re talking about.
A half hour before we meet, she sends me an audio, “I’m very sorry, but my friends made me a surprise party for my birthday, and I will not make it to meet you today. Can we please reschedule?”
So, what does that tell you? You had a date set up. You’re supposed to meet her in literally a half hour before she dips on you. Ohhh, because of “a surprise birthday party.” That sounds like BS. I mean, at the end of the day, that’s rude. You had a date set up a whole week in advance. If she really liked you, if you were Brad Pitt or Justin Bieber, she wouldn’t have been sending in a message like that because she would be thinking, “Well, I might never, ever get another chance to see this guy.” But with a guy that she has low interest in, oh yeah, blow him off at the last minute, mention rescheduling, and he jumps all over it.
One part of me believed it, the other one believed that all that was bullshit. In the end, her tone of voice convinced me what she was saying.
Of course he bought it and ignored the fact that she literally ditched him a half hour before their date. So, that tells me she doesn’t respect you, she doesn’t respect your time, and her interest in you isn’t very high. And the fact that she blows you off at the last minute and you’re just willing to forgive it shows that you don’t really value your time either. And if you don’t value your time, then nobody else will either.
I replied by telling her, “Don’t worry. When are you are free to get together then?” She replied, “I’ll call you in an hour.” I replied, “Ok, I’ll wait for your message.”
“…Your Highness!” He just basically says, “Oh, I’ll sit here and wait!” like a puppy dog.
Two hours passed by.
Remember, she said in an hour, and she calls 2 hours later. Because, again, his time is not valuable. He doesn’t value it and, obviously, why should she? He doesn’t even value his own time.
Then she finally reached out. She says, “Hey.” I had fallen asleep, so I replied to her about half hour later, “Hi,” then received no response from her.
Oh, it really sounds like she wants to reschedule.
It was in the morning. I wake up, and before I went to work, I sent her a message, (should I have done this?), “Hey, if you would like to reschedule, I’m free these two days.” She answered almost right away and chose the day we both are free to get together. Then we talked just a little while, only small talk that day. A week has gone by, she hasn’t reached out to me, and I don’t know if I really will see her tomorrow. Should I have kept talking to her the other days that passed by in between dates?
There’s no point. You’re trying to see, does she keep the plans with you? The fact is that women who have real interest will keep the plans. And also, you’ve got to have rapport. He met her on a dating app, so it really depends on how much rapport you had with her. If you don’t have a lot of rapport and her interest isn’t super high, yeah, she’s going to blow you off at the last minute.
It would have been different if you had met her in person and hung out for an hour, or whatever. Maybe you were at an event. Maybe you were having drinks at a friend’s house, maybe you’re at somebody’s barbecue or pool party over the weekend, or a football viewing party, or whatever it happened to be, and you had plenty of time to talk and establish rapport. You’d have a better feel for it, versus somebody you met online and only spent a few minutes talking to. But keep in mind, she already wasted his time once and blew him off at the last minute.
What could I have done better with this particular girl?
Well, quite frankly, if a girl blows you off a half hour before you’re suppose to meet up and says, “Oh, my friends planned a birthday party,” it shows that she’d rather hang out with her friends than potentially hang out with the next great love of her life. So, obviously, you’re not very important to her. You’re not really high up on her totem pole. You’re all the way down at the bottom. In other words, not very important.
And then when he tries to reschedule, she just leaves him hanging and doesn’t even reply back. So, if it was me, and in essence, you got stood up a half hour before the date and she’s the one that brought up rescheduling, and you said, “how about these days” or whatever, then she doesn’t even reply, and then you bail her out by double texting the next day, I wouldn’t imagine she’s going to keep the second date either.
What if she flakes out at the last minute like the other day? How would you handle this situation?
I’d delete the number, and I would move on.
Wish you all the best, Coach, and I’ll be waiting for your answer.
Me, personally, I would have waited. Because dating is like tennis. When you said “hi” back and she didn’t reply at all, then obviously she’s not really remorseful about canceling the date and is not really that excited to see you. I would have matched and mirrored that lack of enthusiasm and never called or texted her again. Because, again, you’re waiting for her to reply back, and she doesn’t. Granted, all you said was “hi” back. She should have said something and acknowledged it. If she had enthusiasm, if it was Justin Bieber or Brad Pitt, she would have replied back. But because her interest is low, she didn’t.
But then you double texted and you made another date. So, you communicated you don’t think highly of yourself, you communicated a lack of confidence, and you also communicated that you don’t value your time. You’re willing to let this girl that you don’t know totally jerk you around, because you come off as being kind of desperate for a date. You don’t come off as a guy that’s got other choices and other options. She totally disrespected you, and you’re just like, “Thank you, may I have another?”
So, I would say, the likelihood of her actually keeping the second date, it’s not pretty high. It’s a 50/50 shot. Maybe she keeps it, maybe she doesn’t. There could be another guy in the picture. It doesn’t matter. The bottom line is she disrespected you, and then you let her slide.
Second Viewer’s Email:
Big fan of your book, read it about 8 times now, and it has just changed my everyday mindset, not just when it comes to women.
Here’s my story. I moved to my girlfriend’s country after 5 years together, and things didn’t work out. I ended up having to find a job locally and went through some hard times dealing with burnout and depression. We ended up being coworkers. Things didn’t last, and I got over it fairly easily, surprisingly. I’m 42, she’s 33. It’s not a big deal to bump into her on occasion. I’m over her.
I decided to stick around and actually got a promotion at work as a result of my positive mindset. I’ve been getting in shape too and focusing on just riding the wave. Now, another new woman at work started orbiting around me a while back and I noticed it. We became close, flirting a little. She’s 29. I did not go overboard in trying to be a nice guy. Honestly, I wasn’t interested in dating a coworker, given the situation, and was indifferent.
Yeah, you’re working with your ex that dumped you, that you moved to the country to be with her. The only reason you should move countries to be with somebody you’re dating long distance is because you really want to live in that country. I’ve had so many phone sessions and emails from guys over the years that do that. They uproot their life, they sell their houses, they sell their furniture, they leave their friends and their family behind. And like literally two weeks after they get to the new country, it ends.
And sometimes these are guys that were coworkers, and that was how they met. They met at a company retreat, or whatever, started dating. And then the guy jumps through his butt, waits a year, year and a half for his transfer to come through, for a position to open up. He moves, sells his house and everything, uproots his whole life, gets there, and then two weeks later, he gets dumped.
And then on top of that, a couple of weeks after that, he finds out she’s dating and sleeping with another coworker from the same office. How’s that for being emasculating? And that particular guy didn’t really care to live where she lived. Where he ended up moving to was cold, it was snowy, the weather’s like ass there, and he got dumped. And so, now he’s in a city that sucks, it’s cold, the weather sucks, and he’s seeing his girlfriend that he literally moved across the world for, and she just blows him off, “Oh, I’m not feeling it anymore.” She just blows him off after he gets there with no remorse at all.
Come the Christmas party, I had a hunch she’d come over to me the minute she saw me, and I was spot on.
My plan was to separate her from the other coworkers and take her out to get to know her more. We did and we stayed out until late after talking all night. I walked her home when she said, “I don’t think we should kiss,” and I said, “I think we should,” but got the cheek when I went in for it.
Well, that would have been “Check, please!” Again, that’s in the book. It doesn’t matter whether she’s structured or low interest. You’re looking for enthusiasm, and you got the cheek. After that, I’m not asking out a girl that does that ever again. The only exception to that rule is if she calls you and brings up getting together, because you don’t want to waste your time with some chick that’s just looking for attention and validation because she’s lonely, but is not really that interested. You’re trying to keep from wasting your time, and your money, and your emotional capital on somebody that just doesn’t care.
I kept my composure, made a joke about it and let it be. No chasing occurred afterwards, and eventually, we hung out again until super late and quite drunk, where the tension was just there. The following day, she apologized for keeping me up late and tried to state we should be friends. I said, “No, but we can just be coworkers.” I declined the friend zone, as it is obvious that there is more going on, to which she agreed. And she also stated that only being coworkers would suck. Again, no chasing. And finally, one evening, we ended up in a bar and made out as she kissed me first.
I don’t know what led up to that, but the bottom line is they hung out and she kissed him.
She told me she was afraid I thought she was too young. Both of us were drunk AF and had to work.
So, the other thing is she kissed you when she was really drunk. If you’ve ever dated a Brazilian, it’s pretty normal in Brazilian culture to kiss random people and make out but not go home and sleep with them, exchange numbers, or even talk to them ever again. A kiss is just a kiss. And here, a kiss when she’s drunk, when you had gotten the cheek previously, I would take that with a grain of salt and just say she was hammered.
I suggested we meet up again. She decided to meet up on Sunday, to which I agreed. We went for dinner. Again, she states it’s complicated with the work environment and my ex being around. I made it clear she shouldn’t worry about it, but I guess that’s the main issue.
I’d say, the main issue is just a lack of enthusiasm. Because at the end of the day, if she had super high interest in you, she wouldn’t care. She’d be glad to hear that you’re no longer involved with the ex in any way, shape or form. As a matter of fact, she would kind of like it if you guys started dating and the ex found out that you were with her. She’d feel good about that – that she got you and the ex didn’t.
Now, when trying to kiss her, once again, I got the cheek and said, “Alright, the wedding is off,” or something along those lines. I let her be for a week, backed away, and she contacted me over the weekend over messages as she was ill. Eventually, we got closer again. She had party plans, I let her be, she got closer again.
I don’t know what that means – if they’re talking, if they’re texting, if he’s pursuing her – but when you get the cheek, you don’t keep calling and texting and trying to get a girl out on a date. And I kind of think that may be what this guy has done, because he talks about, “Oh, we got close.” What does that mean?
I decided to ask her out, as there are not many opportunities at the moment to hang out, and suggested we meet up for dinner at my place or out, to which she answered, “You’re sweet, but I’m not sure we should see each other that way.”
So that tells me, more likely, he was probably pursuing and chasing her this whole time, trying to get her to change her mind. And you’re just spinning your wheels, because now that she’s sober, she’s like, “I don’t want to do that.”
To which answered, “Alright, thanks for clearing that up. When that changes, let me know. Until then, I’ll see you around.” She answered something, she got a like to her message. My plan is to back off, be polite, smile and smirk, but not to go out of my way to see her or have lunch and let her come back.
So that tells me he’s probably going to lunches and stuff like that, thinking, “Hey, I’ll fly under the radar. I’ll just be her friend for awhile, and she’ll see how great I am, and then maybe she’ll sleep with me.”
Did I screw that one up somehow, or is the kitty cat just roaming around?
Thanks for your advice!
I’d say the kitty cat’s just not interested, and she hasn’t been interested from the beginning. But you’ve been projecting your high interest onto her and ignoring the fact that she’s just not interested.
You should read the book and actually learn the fundamentals and stop trying to take girls to lunch that you’re trying to sleep with, because all you end up doing is getting blue balls. And then for all your trouble, all your effort, all the emotional capital that you’re spending on her, all you get is a kiss on the cheek and her continually trying to friendzone you and hint that she doesn’t want to date you romantically. You’re looking for enthusiasm. You’re looking for a “Hell yeah, I’d love to go out with you. I’d love to spend time with you,” and not, “Oh, I don’t think it’s a good idea.” I wouldn’t waste my time with it. She’s not reciprocating.
Neither one of these two women are worth these guys’ attention. But this is what a lot of guys do. They’re desperate for something. And when you stay engaged with these women, you’re not doing anything to create a space for somebody else to come in and fill.
When you see lack of effort, cancelling dates at the last minute for a BS response, they leave you hanging, you get the cheek, these are all things that are discussed in the book. Both of these guys claim to be somewhat familiar with my work, and yet they’re still completely ignoring the signs that these women have low to no interest.
It’s just a waste of time, money, energy and effort, because when you’re trying to win these girls over, you’re not open to noticing or meeting other women. And that’s the big problem here, is that you’re wasting your time with women that aren’t interested. And since the women that don’t have real interest have your attention, you can’t even notice or be open to women that would really like you and would want to go out with you. So, don’t waste your time with women that behave like this.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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