What it means when you are dating or trying to date a woman you really like, but she won’t make definite plans until the last minute because she needs to arrange a babysitter, her schedule is up in the air or she says she needs to get back to you to lock down plans and details at a later date.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who shares how applying what I teach has completely changed his dating life and experiences for the better. He is dating several different women, but there is one woman he really likes the best, and he thinks she is potentially great girlfriend material. However, he says he can’t apply what my book teaches regarding setting definite dates, because she always needs to arrange a babysitter. She often cancels dates or waits to tell him at the last minute she can’t see him, because she was unable to arrange a babysitter. When she does have a babysitter, she can’t stay out for very long, which gets in the way of his efforts to seduce her, as she has to get home early so her babysitter can go home. He asks my opinion on what he can do to get around being cock-blocked by her kids. I explain the real problem is not her kids, but the fact he is deviating from my book, being too nice and too accommodating to her, because of his sky-high interest and being a poor negotiator for his own time. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email:
First off, thank you for doing what you do. I wish I had found this long ago, as I have screwed up so many potential relationships. Like you have mentioned, I swear it’s been programmed in me to chase, and if they back off you need to chase more and do extravagant things like in the movies to show them you “care.” (If you ask your female friends, most women will tell you when they are backing off, you need to tell them how you feel or do an extravagant date to show you care. However the bottom line is, women know if you approach them, you’re interested. That is the reality. No amount of you liking them excessively is going to make them like you more.) It’s been like night and day when I actually apply your material, and I’ve have had a lot of REALLY fun experiences from it. Having beautiful girls actually chase you makes you feel like a million bucks too. (That makes you feel incredible because there’s no doubt. It puts you in your masculine and helps you focus on your purpose and mission in life, instead of spending a large part of your emotional capital worrying if things will work out with a particular woman.)
I am dating a few women, but one shines out as a potential long-term girlfriend. (You’re thinking about her being your girlfriend already, but you’re not paying attention to the fact she’s not making much effort to accommodate you in her schedule.) She is a single mom though, so I am having troubles applying some of the techniques you teach. (If she likes you, she’ll find a babysitter. When you have enough experience dating women who are really high quality and are really into you, you won’t waste your time with women like this.) She needs to set up a babysitter before each date. I try to steer the night back to my place almost every date, (Why not her place?), but she usually has to go, as she only has the babysitter until certain times. (You could invite her over to your place to make dinner together.) She will only stay over if she sets up a babysitter for the whole night, so she basically has to pre-plan that she will sleep with me. (Tell her to get back to you with what nights will work for her, and then make plans, instead of putting your whole personal life on hold for a “maybe.”) I am trying to figure out how to be more direct and playfully tell her she should get the babysitter the whole night, but her mindset when setting up the babysitter is usually not in that mood. It’s usually mid-week, while at work. (Tell her when she gets back to you with dates her babysitter is available, then you can make definite plans. As I discuss in my book, the idea is to be direct, decisive and make a definite date. Otherwise, you will get jerked around. Don’t make a special exception for this woman. You’re ignoring the fact she is just not willing to go out of her way for you.)
Also, I can’t make concrete dates, as she first needs to see if she can get a babysitter. (Just let her know you are limited on times that are available, and you will make definite plans when she knows she can get a babysitter.) So I set out exact times and dates, but she can’t say yes right away and I need to wait to see if she sets up a babysitter. (This is the opposite of what I teach in my book. When you violate the principles, you will experience pain.) I can’t seem to apply this one. She has said yes before without getting a babysitter, and she ended up cancelling, as she could not get one. (If she really wanted to see you, she would invite you over, put her kids in the other room and you could make dinner together.) She was upset with herself doing that, and I think it’s in my best interest to wait as well, rather than pressure her. (You’re putting this woman on a pedestal. You’re begging her to jerk you around.) She sometimes has a habit though of waiting a few days, like up to 1 or 2 days before our date, to tell me she has a babysitter. (That’s because she hasn’t decided whether or not she really wants to see you. Again, that’s low interest on her part. Why be an option instead of a priority in someone’s life? You’re acting like a guy whose time is worthless, and that’s why she’s treating you that way.) I have a hard time finding a good middle ground of how much to press here. If I act like I don’t care and wait too long, I start to feel like I am letting her walk all over me by making me wait. (You’re inviting her to walk all over you, because you’re putting your life on hold.) If I press her on it and ask a few times, I feel I come off as needy and insecure. Any advice here? (The real problem is you’re violating the principles in my book, therefore you’re getting jerked around. You’re being a bad negotiator, and acting like a guy who doesn’t have anything to offer, begging somebody to spend time with you. Remember, you don’t get what you deserve in life. You only get what you negotiate.)
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“When people really place a high value on being with you, they will make time in their schedule for you, express enthusiasm about seeing you and be flexible in making themselves available to get together. People who have high interest in you will make it easy to arrange dates, even if it means they have to move things around in their own schedule to accommodate you. People who have low interest in you won’t go out of their way to accommodate your scheduling needs and will make you feel like not being able to see you isn’t anything they’re missing out on. The only way you will be able to attract and keep a high quality lover is if you only make time for people who act like they value what you have to offer.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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