Women Who Stonewall & Refuse To Communicate

Why women who stonewall & refuse to communicate can be impossible to have a healthy relationship with.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has been following me for 5 years and read 3% Man, over 10 times. He says he has a great relationship with his girlfriend of over 2 years. However, when she is going through a difficult time or is upset, she is unable and unwilling to talk to him and explain what she wants and needs. He tries applying what he learned in The Book, but she simply will get emotional and cry for hours and not tell him why she is upset. She says she needs emotional support from him, says he never provides it, but refuses to explain what that looks like. He is frustrated and ready to pull the plug on their relationship because of her unwillingness to communicate. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my video coaching newsletter. And the topic of today’s newsletter is going to be, “Women Who Stonewall & Refuse To Communicate.”

Well, this particular guy says he has been following me for about five years, and he says he’s read 3% Man over ten times. He’s been in a relationship with his girlfriend for over two years now at this point. However, there are times when she gets upset and she basically stonewalls him and refused to communicate. And she’ll just start crying and getting emotional for hours and like, he gets nowhere with her.

And he’s getting to the point now where he’s just frustrated and ready to pull the plug, because any time she’s upset, she won’t tell him why. So I see this all the time, and obviously I’ve got to keep saying it. I keep repeating the same things over and over and over, and over and over again. You want a girl who is easy going and easy to get along with, and who communicates like an adult. When she’s mad or she’s upset or she’s kind of quiet.

You’re like, “Babe, you’re kind of quiet. What’s up? What’s going on?” And a good, healthy woman will tell you. She might say, “Oh, I don’t want to talk about it.” I was like, “Come on, you’re upset. You know, I want to know what’s going on.” And usually she will give you the answer. Now, girls that came from messed up backgrounds and they were taught to stonewall.

In other words, when somebody does something that you perceive as an infraction or a slight; you ignore them. You give them the silent treatment. In other words, you’re going to let them know that you’re mad and you’re upset, but you won’t tell them why. Because you want them to suffer for a while. And then when you feel like they’ve suffered enough, maybe after a few days, then maybe you’ll talk with them.

You cannot solve problems in any relationship unless you can talk openly and honestly about them. And a woman who is difficult and refuses to communicate, and stonewalls you, and just decides to be in an upset state of mind and take it out on you, you’re not going to have an easy and effortless relationship with a woman like that. And again, women who behave this way, typically came from a home where that’s what they were taught.

And it’s not your fault, you didn’t make her this way. But you got to see reality as it is. She’s not making things easy for you. She’s being really difficult and a pain in the ass; and the process. And plus, it sounds like she needs some therapy and some counseling. And if a woman’s got emotional and mental problems like this woman seems to have, but she won’t do therapy or counseling, you’re not going to really be able to help her.

In other words, she’s saying, “This is the way I am put up with the silent treatment and the stonewalling, or go screw yourself.” I had one girlfriend that was like that, and it’s just, she’d get mad. She’d get pissed off. I never knew what it was that I did that upset her. She’d just be mad and she’d not want to talk for a few days and punish me and give me the silent treatment.

And then when she would get over it on her own, that was her process. And then she would want to act like nothing happened. I was like, “What? I don’t want to be in a relationship with somebody where she gets mad at me for something. She won’t tell me why she’s mad and then hides for a few days and ignores me, and then acts like nothing ever happened when she gets back in touch.” It’s ridiculous.

It’s dysfunctional. It’s fucked up. It’s not somebody that’s a good teammate for you. That’s emotional and mental abuse. Good women who are good to you, good for you, good for your soul came from a good family where they talk things out. They work out their differences. Will never do this to you. But Froot Loops, messed up girls, this is just par for the course.

Viewer’s Email:

Hello Corey,

First of all, thank you for everything you have done. I have been following you for more than 5 years, have read the book over 10 times (although I lost count) and am still reading it. My life has really been changing the past few months and it is feeling amazing.

I have a way clearer idea of how I want my future to look like, what I have to do to achieve it, and I am actually making the steps towards this. I have a good relationship with my girlfriend of almost 2 years.

Eh. I don’t know about that.

We love each other and have great times together. There is however a problem that has been popping up since the beginning of our relationship that I can’t find a way to fix. My girl and I have been traveling before, and since we are back she is having a hard time finding her purpose and finding what she really wants in life.

I make a big point out of communication and whenever she doesn’t feel good, or talks about her problems, I always take my time to open her up. When I try the techniques that are in the book, like, asking questions, asking her to tell me everything that’s on her mind, listening without giving solutions.

Asking what she needs, like listening to her or asking if she needs advice. She will often times get angry eventually. She will tell me that she needs emotional understanding and support and that I don’t give her that.

So if a woman says, “You don’t give me emotional understanding and support.” I was like, “Well, what does that mean? What do you mean by emotional understanding, and support? What does that look like? What would I have to do differently in order for you to feel like I’m giving you emotional understanding and support?”

“I’m not psychic. I’m not a mind reader. You got to tell me. I love you, I want to support you. But I don’t understand what you’re saying. It’s not clicking. What do you mean by emotional understanding and support?”

This twists my head because I am doing all the things that are in the book but it seems to not be working.

Well, she has to communicate with you. If she refuses to communicate with you, you’re not going to work anything out, with anybody. Anybody who will not talk to you, you really can’t fix anything.

A lot of times she won’t answer my questions.

Well, that’s what we call stonewalling. That’s not loving. That is mental and emotional abuse. And people that have been verbally, emotionally and mentally abused in their families, this is normal to them. And so, they treat everybody this way because that’s what they learned. It’s not your fault. It’s the way she was raised.

But if she’s not going to be willing to fix it, or maybe seek professional help with a good therapist, you’re never going to be able to resolve things. Things will be good for a while, and then she’ll get upset about something, and she won’t tell you what it is, and she’ll just stay mad at you for a few days or a week or whatever. Like I said, I had a girlfriend that was like that and it’s like I tapped out.

I was like, “I’m not going to, you know, this is abuse. I’m not going to put up with this.” You know, especially, you know, guys sitting in the videos with Katie. And it’s like when you’ve dated a woman who behaves like that, when you’re like, “Hey, what’s up? You seem upset. You’re kind of quiet.”

And she’ll tell you what’s going on. You can work everything out. But when you get stonewalled, you can’t fix anything. It just hits pause in the relationship, and then you sit around with your thumb up your ass, waiting for her to cool off. Over the next few days. It’s like, that’s not loving. Imagine having kids with somebody like that.

She grows quiet and eventually when I keep asking, she gets angry and tells me talking doesn’t work.

I was like, “Well, I’m not a mind reader. If you won’t tell me what you need to support you, and you won’t explain yourself, I can’t help you. Our relationship is not going to work.” “Communication, healthy adult communication, requires your participation. And I’m not a good mind reader. It’s just, I can’t. I don’t know, I don’t know where you’re coming from.”

She needs emotional understanding is what she tells me.

Well, what does that mean? What is emotional understanding? What does that look like? “What would I have to do in order for you to feel like I emotionally understand you? What am I not doing that causes you to feel like I don’t emotionally understand and support you? What I need to do differently to make you feel like I understand you.”

I am very present with her, and my intention is not to stop until it is resolved, but she refuses to communicate.

Well, a woman who refuses to communicate is putting nails in the coffin of your relationship. And eventually you’re, like I did, you’re going to get sick of it, and you’re going to tap out.

She starts crying and it seems like she is in some sort of panic mode where she cries for hours, literally with her hands in her hair, and doesn’t respond to what I am asking or saying. She will only say that I don’t support her emotionally.

Yeah, your girl needs a therapist. She needs somebody that can get her to talk, get her to open up, help her with whatever kind of emotional, or childhood trauma that she’s got. Again, and it should be a therapist that you both like. Because, quite frankly, you need to be able to explain to the therapist what’s happening.

You’re trying to get her to talk and open up and tell you what she needs from you, but she just refuses to. “She gets emotional like a child throwing a temper tantrum shuts down and then just ignores me. I’ll ask her questions and she just pretends like I’m invisible.” You’re not going to fix anything with somebody like that.

Again, that is emotional, verbal and mental abuse. It’s not healthy, it’s dysfunctional. And there are good therapists out there that can help her and you work through it. And she needs some help. I mean, that’s just not normal to sit there and have a meltdown for several hours and then completely ignore your significant other when they’re trying to figure out why you’re so upset.

I will hold her hand, hug her, say sweet things but it doesn’t seem to work.

Yeah, I mean, if you’re trying to touch her when she doesn’t want to be touched and she’s not opening up to you, it’s like you shouldn’t be doing that. That’s out of The Book.

This process takes hours and eventually I give up because nothing I do seems to work, help her or makes her calmer. I don’t feel any problem with being there for her in times where she has a hard time, but when I am with her for many hours and she only cries and gets angry at me for trying to talk with her, doesn’t respond to what I say, and pushes me away when I hug her even when I have tried multiple times, this really demotivates me.

Yeah, in that case, you just say, “Look, you’re not willing to talk, you’re upset. I’m going to go hang out with my friends. I’m going to go see my mom, or I’m going to go back to my place.” I don’t know if they live together or not, but. You know, when a woman behaves this way, it’s like, “What you’re doing is abuse. This is mental abuse, and it’s emotional abuse. I love you, I’m your teammate and you’re upset, but you won’t tell me why you’re upset.”

“You just want to cry and have a meltdown and tell me I suck at emotionally supporting you. But you won’t tell me what emotional support is. You won’t tell me what that looks like.” It’s like, “We can’t fix anything if you’re not going to communicate honestly and openly. If this is the best you can do, we’re not going to work out.”

I don’t want to give up but when I have tried everything and nothing works there is no other choice than to give her space to fix it herself.

I have also asked her to tell me exactly what she needs me to do but she refuses. She only will say she needs emotional support but when I say that for me this concept is too vague and that I need her to tell me exactly what she needs, she either gets angry or doesn’t respond.

Again. She needs a therapist. You’re not going to fix this. You’re pretty much at an impasse at this point.

She is starting to say that this is the part of the relationship that never works or has worked and that she doesn’t want to make an effort for this anymore.

Well, you can just say, “Hey, the only way we’re going to stay together is if you learn to communicate lovingly and without abusing me. And the way you’re doing, the way you’re showing up, this is mental and emotional abuse. And I’m not going to put up with it anymore. I want to work this out. I’m willing to give you a chance to fix this and resolve this. You definitely need to go talk to a therapist and somebody you like and that somebody that I like.

Maybe we would choose a therapist together to help you. But, if you’re just going to constantly stonewall me when you’re mad or you’re upset, we can’t work anything out. And I don’t want to be in a relationship with a woman that’s going to behave this way. This is absurd. This is not healthy behavior.” “If we had kids together and you’re upset about something and you do this.” It’s like, “We can’t fix anything. It’s just it’s not going to work.”

I would love to hear what you think of this and where I am going wrong, I am very open to criticism, also from my girlfriend. I want to make this work, but I am starting to think that there is nothing that will work, and that it is time to move on, also because she says that she doesn’t want to make an effort to make it work.

Thank you.

Bob

I was like. Again. If she’s already saying, “Screw you, I’m not going to do anything to work it out.” I would offer her, just say, “Look, I’m willing to give this one final chance. We can go get a therapist to help you, because it’s not normal for you to put your face in your hands and your hair. You’re face in your hands and your hair and cry for a couple hours and ignore me.”

It’s like, “There’s something really going on there that I’m not able, as your boyfriend, to help you with. We need somebody that is a professional therapist that can help you with this. If you’re willing and open to that, we can look for somebody together, and go together for that. But it’s like, if you want to stay with me, if you want to continue to be my girlfriend, you’re going to have to be willing to talk and open up and work through this. And if you’re not willing to do it, then it’s time for us to part ways.”

And it’s like, “What do you want to do? Do you want to go talk to a therapist and try to work, you know, give this one last shot and work it out? Or would you just rather not even try? And we can go our separate ways. I want to work it out, but if you’re not willing to do that, it’s like I can’t fix anything if you won’t talk to me. We can’t make a relationship work if you’re just going to stonewall me.”

And if she just says, she doesn’t want to make the effort and just say, “All right, yeah, I’m out.” Unfortunately, like I said, if she’s not willing to get help, it’s like it’s not your job to sit there, and try to fix her, and save her. It’s like, when you have a woman that behaves this way. Like I said, I had one girlfriend that was like that. And it’s like, I got nowhere with her. She wouldn’t listen to me. And plus, on top of that, she had majored in psychology. And so, she thought she knew everything.

And so, you know, you’re just not going to argue with somebody that’s kind of set in their ways and digging their heels in and refuses to communicate. Because this is not normal, healthy behavior. This is somebody that came from a fucked up family, dysfunctional home. And this is totally, incredibly unloving and abusive to do this.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com. click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page on my website, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.