What you should do with women who want your attention but don’t want you when you try setting dates.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who works with a girl he really likes, and she often displays indicators of romantic interest, but when he’s been on a date with her, she wouldn’t kiss him. He backs off, and then she seeks his attention again. He asks her out, then she disappears only to respond several days later saying she just saw his message, despite her always being on her phone texting with other guys.
He asks what he should do. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
This is pretty common. I think every guy, at some point, has encountered this. He’s met a woman, maybe through work or just somewhere in his everyday life that he encounters on a regular basis. Maybe she’s part of the same social circle. She always seems to enjoy his attention and validation and gives off indicators of romantic interest as if she’s interested, but then when he tries to set a date or actually goes on dates, she turns her head and won’t let anything progress romantically.
Then he stops moving forward, and she starts trying to get his attention again. And then he gives her his attention, and the same thing happens. So, this is what you do to separate yourself from the other guys and get her to either move forward with you or to just simply knock it off.
As a guy, when you’re in the vetting process, understanding a woman’s background, the type of family she grew up in, oftentimes has a really strong impact on how she shows up, and especially how she handles her relationships.
I had a video that I posted the other day to my TikTok account, @CoachCoreyWayne, on red flags, and one of them was this particular red flag to be on the lookout for. It got over 100,00 views, it did really well. And obviously there were lots of women in the comments going, “I’ve been married for 10 years, I’ve been married for 15 years and this describes me, but I didn’t turn out that way. I’ve always been loyal and faithful.” And so, a lot of people got triggered.
Usually, when somebody gets triggered, that means they’ve got an emotional charge on something. But the point being is, if you’re going to date, you have to understand what you’re going to encounter in the dating pool, because we make our decisions based upon emotions, and then we use logic and reason to justify our decisions. And people get caught up in their attraction and their feelings for one another, and then they just completely ignore all of the red flags, the signs of disrespect, the little white lies here and there, the deviousness, and make excuses.
Then they’re six months down the road, a year down the road, or even worse, they knocked the girl up or married her, and then they find out they did a really crummy job in the vetting process. And then they end up in the toxic red pill community, complaining that all women are the same, and it’s not their fault.
Can you tell me where I stand with this girl I work with on the same team? She flirts with me a lot, playing with her hair, touching me and always sits next to me.
Those are all good signs. If you’re familiar with “How To Be A 3% Man,” you have to kind of be a detective. It doesn’t mean any one sign, “Oh, she touched my arm once. Oh, she definitely likes me.” Maybe she’s a toucher. Maybe she does that to everybody. You just have to pay attention. If she’s only touching you and playing with her hair when you’re around, but she doesn’t do it to anybody else, you kind of have to be a little bit of a detective.
You want to take a combination of all of the little signs to determine whether or not you should shoot your shot – especially if you’re working together, because you’ve got to do that tactfully. It’s always better when you’re working with somebody to hang out in a group setting. Hang out and treat all women the same, and the women that like you will move themselves into your orbit, so you can do something about that. They get extra close, they touch you, and they make it really obvious that they like you, especially if they start telling other people that they like you.
I met her outside of work and we went for a few drinks and ended up back at my place, but when I went in for the kiss she backed off. When we were back at work, I asked her what her opinion of me was…
Well, that’s not a very confident thing to say. Asking a woman what her opinion is of you shows that you lack confidence. The number one, most important thing to women and men that they find attractive is confidence. And what you just communicated is that you have no self-confidence.
Your attitude should be, “Of course she likes me. Are you kidding me, this sexy man.” That’s the playful attitude you want to have. Even if it’s not true, you kind of want to have the attitude that all women want you, until proven otherwise. It’s always better to come from that place.
…and she stated she liked me as a friend but didn’t fancy me, as we were on the same team at work so it wouldn’t work.
So, you’re displaying a lack of confidence. You’re giving off the vibe of, “Hey, I’m not good enough for you,” and she’s like, “Okay, you get to be in friendzone. Congratulations.”
I told her that I liked her and that “we shouldn’t go out together anymore if you don’t feel the same way, but if you change your mind then I’m happy to go out.” A week later at a work party, she got drunk and was saying how she wanted to sleep with me, and how she was better than a girl I went out with the previous week.
I would just say, “Well I appreciate that, and you’re going to have to get in line, sweetheart, but I only kiss girls when they’re sober and they’re not drunk. So, if you tell me that when we’re sober and you want to jump my bones, I might have a hard time resisting. But we’ll see. I’m not too sure about you yet.”
I’m confused by her actions, as one minute she seems to be really interested by constantly trying to talk to me and flirt, but when I want to set a date and see her outside of work when it’s just us two, she always says “maybe, I’ll have to check” and then she never comes back with a date.
That’s why you don’t ask anymore. You stop asking. As the book says – if you are a good student and read it 10 to 15 times, which obviously you probably haven’t – you ask twice, then that’s it. You never bring it up again. You’re going to still treat her the same. You going to still be playful. You still have the attitude of, “Of course she wants me,” but you’re never going to bring up getting together or going out on a date. She has to bring it up first.
She’s also on her phone a lot texting other guys. And she will sometimes flirt with other guys in front of me…
Just to see if it gets a rise out of you. Because, obviously, you’re communicating that you’re perturbed by her behavior on some level, and that’s not good. It just shows a lack of confidence. And when women sense a lack of confidence in the guy, they’re going to test him and troll him more to see if you lose your shit, basically.
Women are just naturally designed to test the strength of the men around them, because they want to feel safe and comfortable. That’s why you want to get to the place where you’re unperturbable. Even when she says she doesn’t like you, you just go, “Okay, whatever.” You ever watch the James Bond movies and the woman’s like, “There’s no way I’m I’m sleeping with you, James.” And he just smirks at her like, “She’ll be naked in my bed later.” That’s the attitude you want to have.
…which makes me feel like an option rather than her priority.
You’ve got to match and mirror her actions, because you’re obviously getting caught up in your fantasy of this girl and you’re latching on to little indicators of interest she’s shown in the past, but you’re ignoring the fact that you went out on a date, you tried to kiss her, and she backed off, said the “f word,” that she thinks of you as a “friend.” So, if somebody says “friend,” you say, “Well, maybe you can maybe talk to me into a friends with benefits, but just platonic friends? Nah. Then, we have to keep it professional.”
As I have texted her in the past and she messages me a few days later saying, “Sorry, I’ve only just read your message.”
Yeah, that sounds legit.
Which I know isn’t true as she’s always on her phone.
Well, she did it on purpose, trolling you, obviously, because she enjoys that.
I’m confused, because she says we are friends but then she doesn’t flirt with anyone else she is friends with on the team.
Yeah, don’t pay any attention to that. You should be talking to other women that are on the team and teasing and playing with them the same way. You should treat all women the same. You don’t treat one any better than the other.
Especially with a woman like this who’s flirting with you, if you were bored with her, how would you treat her? If you were tired of sleeping with her, how would you treat her? You’d be looking for something new and exciting, so you’d be talking to the other girls. Even if you don’t like them, just giving the other women attention and not her will make her try harder to get your attention and validation, and that’s what you want.
I really like the girl, and it’s clear that she is just using me for attention. How can I turn the tides on this and take back control, and how should I act around her?
Treat everybody the same. If you see her, wave to her, smile, then go about your business. Don’t go to her. Don’t go talk to her. Talk to other people, especially the other women on your team and the other women that you work with. Even if they’re 60 years old, it doesn’t matter.
Be fun, be charming, be playful with all women. Even if you’re in an elevator, or you’re chatting with the girl who’s checking out your groceries, be fun and playful with everybody. Because this will also help you remain mysterious. It’ll make it harder for women to tell which ones you’re sincerely interested in. Or maybe you’re just like that with all women. This helps your case.
But at this point, I wouldn’t ask her out, I wouldn’t do anything unless she brings up getting together. And I also wouldn’t be screwing around with her on company outings if she gets really drunk and says she wants to sleep with you and things like that, because if you go home with her, just absolutely blitzed, that could turn into a problem for you later when she sobers up.
So, the problem is, you’re giving her too much attention. It’s like you’re kind of hanging on to her every word like, “Is she now ready to date me? Does she now like me?” instead of just bottom-lining her interactions and going, “Hey, we went on a date, she turned her head. Maybe she’s structured, not into me. Whatever, it doesn’t matter.”
If you look at her actions, her actions communicate she’s not that into you. And just be okay with that, be indifferent to it. Be unperturbed by that, be amused by that. Have the attitude of, “Eventually she’ll come around. They always do. The horses always return to the barn, anyway.” That’s the attitude you want to have.
And I suggest you get busy reading “How To Be A 3% Man,” because I can tell from your email you don’t know it well enough, you’re cherry picking and you’re being lazy. You’re going to make life way harder on yourself than it needs to be. I let people read my book for free. And this one, “Mastering Yourself,” both of them are free. And “Quotes, Ruminations & Contemplations” is also free to read on my website. You’ve got to participate in your own rescue, and you’ve got to learn the fundamentals.
So, if you’ve got a question or challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Women who grow up without fathers, a strong masculine presence in the home or who have a bad relationship with their fathers tend to crave male attention and validation in unhealthy ways. They often seek and invite romantic attention from many men, as they never learned the kind of men they should trust, respect and look up to. When you combine this with character flaws, such as being devious and dishonest, a toxic and untrustworthy woman is the result. Smart men always look at a woman’s actions to determine if she is capable of being loyal, faithful and trustworthy.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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