Why continuing to date and spend your time with women who have low interest & enthusiasm leads to ghosting.
In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer whose previous email I answered in my video newsletter titled, “Is She Really Interested or Just Going Along?” He says he implemented some of the suggestions from the video and things improved somewhat, but after a while her interest dropped again. Eventually she just ghosted him when he tried to set a date and that was 3 months ago. He’s not heard from her since, but he’s still butt hurt over it.
He says he’s got a rotation of 3 other women now, but he still thinks about her a lot. He wants to know how to get over it, but a big part of his problem is he doesn’t know the book very well and ignores her low romantic interest, and her lack of effort and enthusiasm for him because he’s projecting his high interest onto her. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
Well, this particular email is an update to a video newsletter that I did back in November 2022. It’s now end of June 2023. The old one that I answer for this guy, because it’s about the same girl, is, “Is She Really Interested Or Just Going Along?“
So if you go back through and check out that old video newsletter, you’ll see that this girl wasn’t really initiating anything. I think at that time they’d been dating for about two months, and she had reached out like two, maybe three times, total. He gives an update. He says he followed some of what I suggested in that video and things got better. She invited him to her birthday. She got him a painting or a picture or something like that. So it seems that at least for a period of time, things were getting better, but you could tell as I go through this email that there’s still just a huge lack of enthusiasm and interest on her part.
You want to spend your time with women that are like, “Hell yeah, I’d love to go out with you.” They’re excited to go out. They’re excited to make plans, and that’s something that was always going on with this particular girl. She just wasn’t as into it and more than likely, he was way more into her than she was into him. I mean, obviously, because he’s written multiple emails to me about it and you could tell when he talks about it, he really liked this girl, but he was projecting his eye interest onto her and ignoring the fact that she just had low interest.
Most guys that are in that situation, especially if they’re new to my work or they’re not really familiar with it because I don’t think the guy never mentioned about reading the book. I don’t know if he actually has read it, but you could just tell he’s putting more energy, more effort to spend time with her than he’s getting it back. Yet he continues forward with that instead of matching and mirroring her actions.
So they dated for about six months, and the last time he talked to her, she’s like, “Oh, I’m not sure my schedule this week.” He says, “Let me know when you figure it out.” Well, that was three months ago. She just ghosted him, and women don’t do that to men that they’re in love with. They do that to guys they don’t really care that much about, and if you look at the totality of their interactions, she was never that into him. It doesn’t look like he did anything for a long enough period of time to cause her interest to go up and stay going up or stay in the upper level.
It’s like he got a little bump last year when he followed some of what I told him to do. Then he probably just kind of reverted back to the way he was. More than likely because he never read the book, doesn’t know it, being lazy, cherry picking the videos.
Wayne Dyer had something to say. He said, “It’s never crowded along the extra mile.” Most people are going to give up along the way. They’re going to fall out. Self help is hard. Making the changes and things that I talk about in 3% Man is hard. Learning what’s in the book is hard to do. It’s hard to implement. You’re dealing with your insecurities, your fears, your doubts, your limiting beliefs that you’ve adopted about yourself over the course of your life. It’s hard to do that. It’s unpleasant. A lot of times, it’s unpleasant getting rejected.
Obviously, the way this guy feels now after getting ghosted, he’s got a small rotation of girls, he says. He’s not really into any of them. There’s three of them, but he’s still thinking about the girl that ghosted him because rejection tends to breed obsession. It’s good that he’s got other choices and other options, but if he’s not willing to take the time to learn the information in the book and really get serious, he just wants to cherry pick, that’s what most people are doing. They want the quick fix. They want the copy and paste solution.
That’s why the Red Pill is so appealing to guys, is because they don’t really have to put a ton of effort. They’re like, “Oh, I’m improving myself on my physique and I’m growing my purpose, blah, blah, blah,” but they’re not really doing anything to change their attractiveness to women. It’s easy just to point the finger like, “Oh, it’s all hypergamy. Oh, it’s modern women, Corey. That’s what it is. You don’t understand. It’s just modern women.”
At the end of the day, if you act like a bitch, women will treat you like a bitch. You’re supposed to be more masculine and more confident than they are. You’re supposed to have more integrity than they do. You’re the one that’s setting the standard. You’re the one that’s the leader. The word lead means “to go first,” and as the late, great Don Shula said, “Strong men blame themselves, weak men blame others, and weak men want to blame others.”
That’s why there are so many weak guys in the Red Pill community and there’s so many of them. That’s why they can’t ever agree on what Red Pill actually is or what it means or what it has to do with anything, because it just makes it easy to not do the hard work on yourself and to point the finger and say, “Hey, it’s not me.”
I’m here to work with men and women that want to do the hard work because again, “It’s never crowded along the extra mile.” Most people just are not going to do the little things that are necessary in order to go from where they are to where they want to be, because it’s hard and it takes a long time.
Typically it takes a decade or more to really succeed and do great in any area of your life you’re trying to improve. Especially when you’re building a career or a business, you’ve got to figure it’s a minimum of a decade before you get really good, really competent and you make really good money. Most people don’t start a business and they’re a multi-millionaire in a matter of months. It just doesn’t work that way in life.
Same thing, guys don’t start out being super successful with women unless they come from a family where mom and dad are beautiful people, they’re successful, they’re happy, they take care of themselves, they’re fit, they’re in shape, they have a great relationship. Then the kids grow up in that environment and they’re used to that. They’re emotionally conditioned to that. They expect that those are their expectations.
So when they go out in the dating world and they date, they’re only going to spend their time with people that reciprocate, because they have enough self love and self value that they’re just simply not going to waste their time trying to date a girl for six months who’s just not that into them. When they see a lack of enthusiasm, they’re continuing to look for enthusiasm. They’ll still give this girl the opportunity to change her attitude and win them over, but they’re not going to put all their eggs in one basket like this particular guy did.
So he was projecting his high interest onto her and he was ignoring the fact that she just wasn’t reciprocating. Instead of keeping it moving and dating and having a rotation like he’s doing now, he obsessed over her and focused on her, he probably continued to over pursue. If you just look at the history of these two emails, it’s like her interest did not go up.
If you’re following what’s in the book and you’re dealing with a normal, healthy woman, her interest will go up until she falls in love and you’ll be able to keep it there and you’ll be able to tell when it starts to dip, but he continued to date this girl and make extra effort and to make up for her lack of effort because his interest in her was so high.
Because he’s emotionally invested in his fantasy of what he wanted her to be, that’s why he was able to ignore for so long how low her interest in him was until he got ghosted. I believe it was Ayn Rand that said, “You can ignore reality, but you can’t ignore the consequences of ignoring reality.”
This guy was ignoring reality. He’s been cherry picking my work. He’s still not listening. He’s not reading the book. Things never really got any better. He made some changes last year that improved things for a while, but because he didn’t learn the fundamentals, didn’t understand the philosophy, he just reverted back to the way he was and the relationship went back to being mediocre, and instead of her interest going up, it just got to the point where she had so little respect and romantic interest in him, that when she ghosted him, he literally meant nothing to her.
Probably more than likely, she met another guy that she was more into and who acted more masculine consistently, and she just chose the other dude over this guy, and because he wasn’t paying attention, he wasn’t learning the material, he didn’t see it coming. It didn’t wake him up until he got ghosted. Obviously he’s hurting and it’s stinging now. All I can do, as a coach, is I could suggest for what people to do and then it’s on them to do it or not.
I hope all is well.
I’m 24, and back in November last year, you discussed my email in your video newsletter called, “Is She Really Interested Or Just Going Along?” The problem back then was that she rarely initiated contact with me in between our dates. I followed your advice and a little later, things improved with her. She started initiating more, bought me a gift for Christmas, called me on New Year’s Eve, invited me to her birthday party and she even offered to paint a painting for my new apartment.
Well, you got to keep in mind, that was cuffing season. You might get a bump in interest, not really out of much you did, but because it’s the holidays and most people don’t want to be single during the holidays. They want to have somebody that they can take home to their family and say, “Hey, I’m dating so-and-so or this is my girlfriend or this is the guy I’m dating,” if it’s a girl, but after the holidays are over, who knows? Maybe he got a little cocky. He’s thinking, “Hey, this is really working.” Again, if you don’t take time to learn the material, you’re still just throwing darts in a blizzard and flying blind.
I kept dating and hooking up with her until March of this year, which means we dated for around 6 months. It simply ended when I asked her when she was available again and she replied with, “I don’t know my work schedule yet, I’ll let you know,” and she never texted me again.
Because she didn’t care. She wasn’t into you. She probably met somebody else. Again, after six months, there’s just no enthusiasm from her. More than likely he was probably doing 100% of the pursuing, but because he liked the girl so much, he couldn’t control himself. Or I should say, he refused to control himself, because he’s driven by fear and he doesn’t know the material. “That book you don’t read won’t help you.” I think Plato said that, or maybe it was Benjamin Franklin. I can’t remember.
I haven’t pursued her anymore after that, but my ego took a big hit.
Well, like I said earlier, you can ignore reality, which you did for a long time, but you couldn’t ignore the consequences of ignoring reality. You couldn’t ignore the consequences of over pursuing and continuing to display unattractive behavior and continuing to chase after a girl who had no enthusiasm for you. Never try to keep somebody in your life who doesn’t want to keep you in theirs, and that was a big part of your problem. You’re constantly pedestalizing this girl and totally ignoring the fact that she couldn’t give a flying fuck one way or another.
In my eyes, ghosting someone like this after 6 months of dating is really disrespectful…
She wasn’t that into you, dude. She didn’t care. So yeah, it’s not a nice thing to do, but you didn’t mean anything to her. I know it’s harsh, but probably somebody else did. Another guy came along who she actually liked and liked a lot more and who did enough attractive things consistently for her to feel totally OK with blowing you off and never getting back to you and focusing on him.
You meant nothing to her. When she blew you off, you literally meant nothing to her. She felt nothing for you. Whatever was going on during the holidays, like I said, it’s cuffing season, so you got to take that into consideration.
It seems that right after the holidays were over, she kind of went back to the way she was, and more than likely you went back to the way you were before you had written that first email and you didn’t do anything to clean up your behavior. The next time you date a girl you really like, the same exact thing will happen again, unless you learn the material.
That’s on you. It’s you. It’s your life. You do whatever you want. If you’re happy with the results you’re getting, keep doing it. If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’re going to continue to get what you’ve always got.
…And even now, 3 months later, I can’t say I’m totally recovered from it. I thought ghosting would only happen to guys who over-pursue and clearly fuck things up, and looking back at it, I still think I did everything right with her.
No you didn’t, dude. That’s delusional thinking. I can look at your actions, I can look at what you did and said, and I can look at what she was doing and saying and can look at the other email and go, “You’re completely ignoring reality.” You were living in an alternate universe than she was.
I’m an attractive guy, and I didn’t have trouble with finding and dating new girls, but deep down I fear that something like this will happen again…
It will absolutely happen again unless you learn the material.
…So I have the feeling that I should keep my guard up all the time.
Well, yeah. You’re driven by fear. You don’t know what you’re doing, then yeah you’re going to be copying and pasting and going, “I must act like a robot. I’m copying and pasting from a video, Corey. I don’t need to read your book. I’m so smart.”
This prevents me from being myself and relaxed and fun during dates and instead I even feel a little depressed, which lead to a few fucked up dates with possible great candidates.
Like I said, you’ve got to get your mindset right. You’ve got to get yourself right emotionally. What’s happening here is you’re constantly displaying incompetence as a man, incompetence in dating, incompetence at maintaining attraction. That’s what’s going on here. What grows your confidence and your competence is knowing the book, applying the book and seeing the positive results.
If you don’t know the book and you’re cherry picking the videos, you’re going to get sporadic and inconsistent success. You might get some attainable success, but you’re not going to sustain it because you don’t know the material. You can bullshit yourself and say, “Oh, I was doing everything right.” It’s like, “No, you weren’t.”
All I have to do is look at what she was doing and saying and I can tell you weren’t doing things right. There obviously was interest in her part, even though it was during cuffing season in the holidays, because you did implement some of the things that I suggested in the video, but obviously you weren’t consistent.
After a few weeks, things went back to the way they were. You should never pedestalize a girl and be solely focused on dating her when there’s a lack of enthusiasm. These are things that are taught in the book. You want to go where you’re celebrated, not where you’re tolerated. You don’t want to just date a girl who’s just going along, which was again, the title of the original video from November 2022.
Now I’m starting to feel a little better, and I have a small rotation of 3 girls that I’m dating and hooking up with, but still my ex is in my head every day.
Well, your three girls are your practice squad and your job is to constantly churn your practice squad and get better quality women on there that you like more and who like you more and who you actually want to spend more time with. So these three girls basically have the same problem that you had with the girl you were dating. You’re just not that into them. Any of them.
I’m desperate for closure with her…
You’re not going to get any.
…Or at least I want to know why she ghosted me.
Well, she wasn’t that into you, number one. Number two, you just displayed too much unattractive behavior. Women don’t ghost you and dump you when you’re doing everything right. That’s just a fact of life, unless you’re dealing with a mentally ill Froot Loop. Then in that case, it doesn’t matter anyways.
The bottom line is you didn’t display enough attractive behavior for her to want to stick around. I’m assuming that she’s a normal, healthy woman, because there was no indication in any of the two emails he sent in that there was something weird or squirrely, other than the fact that in the first one there was a lot of evidence that she was structured, but in reality she just never really had that high interest and he didn’t do enough things consistently to make her interest go up.
It went up for a little bit during the holidays and it just kind of flat-lined and it never really went anywhere. He couldn’t help himself because he really liked the girl. He couldn’t back off enough. He couldn’t go two weeks without calling or texting her just to see what would happen.
I know what to do: Keep dating other women and stop thinking about my ex, but do you have any more advice about how to cope with being disrespected/ghosted by a girl that I was totally in love with? How do I get back to feeling great about myself again?
There it is right there. He’s totally in love with this girl, and she couldn’t give a flying fuck about him. These are things out of the book. It’s like you have to follow the instructions, man. There’s no shortcuts to success. If you’re looking for shortcuts to success and to bullshit yourself, then I suggest you unsubscribe from my channel and go follow the Red Pill guys, because then that will validate your way of going through life, which obviously isn’t working.
But hey, you can join the Red Pill incel army if you like. I’m sure I’ll get a lot of hate comments because the dudes that are stuck in the Red Pill cult, they get really mad when I break their balls about it, and that’s OK because it makes it easy to spot them and block them because they’re just nasty people. They’re negative. They’re not willing to do what’s necessary to turn their lives around.
I’m here to work with people that are excited and want my help because again, “It’s never crowded along the extra mile.” Most people aren’t willing to do these things, and I understand that. That’s why the title of the book is 3% Man, and not “How To Be Like 97% of the Other Guys.”
I feel like a worthless piece of shit after being kicked to the curb so easily without even giving me a reason.
Thanks in advance,
The reason was low romantic interest, and you didn’t display enough attractive behavior. You’re totally in love with her and you pedestalized her and you completely ignore the fact that she wasn’t that into you at all. That’s the problem. You were probably drooling all over her. You were acting dopey. You were soft, you were squishy. You let her push you around, and for you to be at this point, “I was totally in love with her, and she just blew me off. I don’t understand why,” it’s like, you don’t know the book. You don’t know the material. You’re not even a serious student.
I’m sorry. It’s harsh, but I’m not going to blow sunshine up your ass because this shouldn’t have happened. You shouldn’t have got this far down the road with a girl that was treating you this way.
You should have had a high enough self esteem and self love for yourself to say, “She’s not reciprocating enough,” and go put your interest elsewhere, but you didn’t want to do that. You wanted to cherry pick and you wanted an easy way out, and now you got burned.
You got your heart broken, and the pain of getting your heart broken is what typically equates to us hitting the wall, if you will, and realizing, “You know what? My approach really sucks and it’s not working. Therefore, I need to change it. So maybe I should listen to this shaved head dude, or I can go and listen to the Red Pill incel army repeat a bunch of platitudes and most of them don’t even fucking understand,” which are totally useless and don’t help you with women anyways. It doesn’t do anything to make women like you more.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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