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Women You Should Never Be Exclusive With. Only Friends With Benefits

Jan 21, 2025 by Coach Corey Wayne
Photo by iStock.com/Nattakorn Maneerat

The type of women you should never be exclusive with & only friends with benefits.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a delusional guy who read 3% Man once and thinks it doesn’t apply to his situation. He’s given exclusivity to a woman who still lives with her baby daddy and sometimes lives with him. He tries to control her, confront and shame the baby daddy and have her all to himself, but she has no interest in complying.

He sticks around anyway and is angry and frustrated. I tell him what to do instead. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is kind of a little Jerry Springer-ish, if you will. This guy is definitely delusional. So he read 3% Man one time, and of course, he’s determined that it really doesn’t apply to his situation, but because he lives in a world of delusion and he’s projecting his fantasy of what he wants this girl that he’s kind of in a relationship with to be, he’s totally ignoring reality.

He got introduced to this particular woman. She’s got a 16-year-old son. She’s in her early 40s, the son she has with a guy I guess, is 70. Supposedly she married him to get her green card or become a citizen or whatever a long time ago. She basically goes from living with the guy, the baby daddy in essence, to this guy, lives with him for a while, then goes back and stays there. She says, “Hey, there’s nothing going on sexually,” and he’s pretty convinced there isn’t, but you could tell this guy’s getting upset and he’s trying to lock her down and have her all to himself. She doesn’t want her to have anything to do with the baby daddy, and obviously it’s not going well.

I did a video in the past couple weeks ago, I think it might have been last week actually, about exclusivity. It was like exclusivity and setting boundaries. You should have the attitude of, especially if you’re dating somebody that’s got a messy situation like this where she was living with her ex, the ex is the breadwinner, she doesn’t really make any money on her own, so she’s just basically staying with him on the terms under which you would become exclusive. If she’s the one wanting you to be exclusive, which again if you read the book, that’s the way things should be. Women naturally do this, but this guy is focused on his interest in her and what he wants and he’s completely ignoring the messy situation that he’s in. He’s tried shaming the baby daddy to his face, calling him a pussy and he’s just spinning his wheels and getting nowhere, and of course he read my book once, but really he can’t relate to it. A big reason is there’s so many things he read in the book that he’s doing that are unattractive, that he just dismisses because it’s uncomfortable. It would be uncomfortable to change, and it would be extremely uncomfortable to acknowledge the reality of this messy situationship that he’s involved in. He never should have become exclusive with her in the first place, and if she wanted to be exclusive with him, he should have had terms and conditions under which he would agree to be exclusive and until she met those, he’s a free agent.

This guy, I don’t think he realizes it, but he’s really got all the leverage and yet he’s totally put her in charge and he’s going along with her agenda in what she wants. So he’s part of her Frankenstein boyfriend project. She’s got the ex provider who’s 70 that she lives with, got a place to stay there, her kid lives there and she’s got this guy who she’s hooking up with. Any man who has self respect would never want to get into something like this.

So let’s go through his email because obviously there’s always stuff like this where you can just go, “Man…” Most of you guys are gonna be shaking their head going, “What the hell is this dude thinking?”

Photo by iStock.com/VioletaStoimenova

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach,

I read your book, but this topic is way beyond advice for me to relate, so here it goes! I have been with a Filipino girl for almost two years. We’re engaged…

He’s even engaged to her.

Again, this guy is totally paying attention to his interest and completely ignoring the situation. He literally is living in an alternate reality like the Joe Biden supporters. Yesterday was a great day.

…But the catch is years ago, she was a women wanting citizenship and found a sucker more than twice her age.

Well, it sounds like she likes suckers because this guy is obviously one, even though he doesn’t notice that.

He got her pregnant. Long story short, he took custody of the kid after a divorce from her. She ended up moving back in as she had little to no income and the kid is now almost 16 and daddy is almost 70, and the woman I’m with is in her low 40s. She moved in with me and she keeps going back to daddy (Ex), she says to be with her kid, spends days there, he ex gives her key, access to whatever but no relationship or sexual connection. She eventually comes back to me after she says I don’t understand and she needs to recharge herself.

In other words, it gets to the point where she just can’t stand this guy, so she goes and stays with the baby daddy just to recharge her batteries. Women vote with their feet. They’re not with you, they voted for somebody else.

I confronted this ex and said, “You’re a pussy!”

I think you’re projecting a little bit, buddy. No one will ever do or say anything to you that isn’t a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves in a moment. On some level, this guy really deep down knows that he’s kind of being the pussy. Now, we don’t know whether or not the the ex that she’s divorced with, maybe they’re still hooking up. Who knows? This guy is probably not getting the full story because again, he’s only paying attention to how he feels about her and is completely ignoring her actions.

“Why do you manipulate her to guilt and use the kid as leverage?” He said, “She can see her kid. I can’t stop her from that.” I said, “She has me now, so don’t let her back in your house as you’re a narcissist and you don’t want her to have a life.”

Well, at the end of the day, she keeps going back to this guy probably when he acts very unattractive and overbearing.

This guy doesn’t do shit, ignores the kid, calls her to take care of everything and in return she also has to struggle and pay this old jerk child support that in turn he works, has a pension and benefits, but uses her as a guilty baby sitter.

So she’s paying the guy child support? I mean, I’m kind of correcting things as I’m reading through this, but his grammar and his spelling is really bad.

Me and her are OK.

Yeah sure, buddy.

I understand her situation, but now it erupted into chaos as this guy is a low life who needs to die or go into a nursing home!

Bro, I see your whole problem is you’re seeking her attention and validation. You’re trying to shoehorn yourself into her life. You’re trying to force her to be the way you want her to be, instead of just looking at the whole situation and going, “Hey, this girl is a great friends with benefits, sex playmate, fuck buddy. Well, that’s about it. A rotation girl.” I mean, if she’s constantly going back and forth between you and her ex’s place, well you’re just her side piece is what it looks like.

I mean, it’s possible she’s not hooking up with the guy, they are divorced, but I mean, she goes and stays there? That’s kind of not normal. Any self-respecting man is going to go, “Yeah, I’m not going to get into an exclusive, monogamous relationship with a woman who still goes and lives with her ex husband from time to time when she needs to recharge her batteries.” Yeah

Photo by iStock.com/Tero Vesalainen

He also looks for women online while she does the raising of the kid who, by the way, also manipulates her and ruins our relationship.

Bro, you can’t make good wine from bad grapes. I mean, any man who has choices and has options would just see this girl as maybe somebody fun to hook up with when she’s available in the rotation. If she’s like, “Well, I want to be exclusive. I want to be a family. I want to get married.” “Well, then you’re going to have to stop living with your ex-husband before I’d even consider that.” “I can’t afford it.” “Well, we can be friends with benefits, but I’m not going to be exclusive with you. I’m not going to marry you. It’s silly.”

It sounds pathetic to you, but when we’re together we’re good, but she doesn’t want to or can’t let the situation go.

Women vote with their feet, bro. If they’re with you, they voted for you. What you’ve ignored, even though you read the book once, is everything in there that made you feel uncomfortable you just dismissed and said, “Oh, it doesn’t apply.” If she was really head over heels in love with you, she’s going to be with you all the time. She’s going to be stuck to you like a sucker-fish, but you sound like a controlling, needy, neurotic, insecure jackass. A total jack-in-the-box. Then you interjecting yourself into the relationship with her baby daddy and talking shit to his face it’s like, come on, that’s pretty weak and pathetic.

The more I argue of boundaries…

Well, many who understand women don’t argue with them. You just matter of factly tell her what the boundaries are, and if she violates them, then you change the terms of your relationship to suit you. She’s clearly not going to respect your boundaries, hasn’t been respecting your boundaries. I mean, you’re trying to wife up somebody else’s chick, it looks like. I mean, even though they’re supposedly divorced, she still lives with the guy.

…The more she says we’re (Ex) are friends. I think she has daddy issues…

Why are you trying to wife her up? That’s just stupid.

…Runs back there as he gives her free room, food and money at times to survive. I just want this jerk gone.

Well at the end of the day, what you’re ignoring is that she’s choosing this jerk. She wants to be with him. You’re part of her Frankenstein boyfriend project and you’re ignoring that. No amount of you getting angry, pissed off and butt-hurt about this is going to cause her to respect you, and no longer stay with the ex-baby daddy and take money from them. Who knows what else she’s doing. I mean, you should be smart enough, but it doesn’t look like you are. You should be smart enough to look at this and go, “Hey, we’ll just be friends with benefits. This is great,” While you continue to look for somebody who’s single and ready to mingle, somebody who’s ready, willing, able and open to having an exclusive relationship. You don’t get involved with messy situations like this and think you’re going to change he, or you’re going to rescue her from the 70-year-old guy being mad and pissed off about it.

You act like a guy who has no choices and no options. If you just started dating other women and saying, “Hey, I love you. You’re great. When you want, you can stay over. You stay at his place. I don’t know what you do with him, but I want to date other people. I’m not going to be exclusive with you because you don’t exhibit any behavior over the last two years that we’ve been dating that shows me that you’re able to honor a commitment or you respect our relationship. If you want to be in exclusive relationship with me and be my fiance, then you’re going to be with me. Not going and living with your ex-husband all the time because he gives you money, free room and board.” It just looks like you’re her side piece.

It’s cultural and he’s just a jerk who has brainwashed her to be his nurse maid and baby sitter.

Well, I think you’re delusional, you live in an alternate reality and you’re completely ignoring this situation.

Photo by iStock.com/Olga Ubirailo

Any advice other than walk away?

Well again, this the way she behaves. This should just be one of the girls you’re dating and fucking. Simple as that. You shouldn’t be putting a ring on her finger. You should just start dating and fucking other women. Just say, “Hey, I think you’re great, but it’s not really progressing. So we can be friends with benefits. I want you to understand that I’m dating other women now, and because I want to find somebody that can have as a wife that will be exclusive and that will honor my boundaries. After two years with you, we’re just kind of fuck buddies, and then you go back and you stay at his house. I don’t know what you do when you’re there, but I’m not going to be in an exclusive, monogamous relationship with you when you still live with your ex-husband off and on.”

It just looks like she’s bouncing back and forth between your bed and his. You’re assuming that she’s not fucking her ex-husband, but she stays over there. You don’t know what’s going on. Why should you even have to trust that? At the end of the day, if she’s going, when she was living with you, and staying at her ex-husband’s and living with him, well you basically got a hoe. You shouldn’t try to turn a hoe into a housewife. This should just be one of the girls in your rotation. It’s not that you have to walk away, but you need to just let her know matter of factly, there’s no anger behind it, just say, “Hey, I love you. I think you’re great and we have a lot of fun together, but your situation is really messy with your kid and your ex, and it’s just better that we stay as friends with benefits and I’m going to date other women. I’m looking for somebody that can be exclusive and monogamous with me. We can still have fun together, but you gotta understand, when I find somebody that’s got the same goals and values that I do, what we have is going to be over.”

I’d probably get my ring back from her if I were you. I’d just take it back. She lays it down, take it back, sell it, get what you can for it, put it in your retirement. Save it for somebody that actually deserves it.

I’m tired of beating the dead horse on the topic.

Well, it’s clear after two years that she’s not going to do what you want. She’s not going to live the way you want. So you have your answer through her actions. So your actions and how you operate in this relationship should change to match how she is showing up. Pretty simple, pretty cut and dry.

I know there’s no sexual contact…

No, you don’t.

…But the idea of being engaged, sleeping there and being in the same place with him is beyond my comprehension.

Well again, that’s part of your delusion, is that you’re ignoring reality and you think trying to twist her arm, shame her or shame him is going to change the situation instead of seeing reality as it is, not better than it is or worse than it is, but as it is. You’re seeing reality as better than it is, and you’re ignoring how it really is. That’s why just a simple change in your relationship, if she’s going to live this way, go get on the dating apps. Go get your ass out there and start meeting and dating other women. Then when she asks you about it down the road, you say, “Oh yeah, I’m dating other women.” “Well, we’re engaged.” “Well, not really, because you still live with your ex-husband. I don’t know what you do when you’re over there. You just disappear for days at a time. He’s giving you money. It’s like we’re just friends with benefits. We’re not engaged anymore. I’m not going to marry you, but we can have fun until I find a great girl to have a relationship with, but then once that happens, you got to got to understand that I’m going to be gone. I won’t be part of your Frankenstein boyfriend project anymore.”

I already know what you’re going to say…

No, you don’t. You’re not a mind reader. You can’t tell what the fuck’s going on in your life and your relationship, but it’s pretty obvious to the rest of us who are reading and listening to this.

Photo by iStock.com/nd3000

…But I do love her understand to a point, but at what point do you just say that she is not going to change or am I being used?

Well, this has been going on for a long time.

F.Y.I, I’m a widower. Met her through a friend. It’s all weird, but it’s all true. Advice?

Bob

Again, you have a fuck buddy. You’re trying to wife up the hoe. She’s a sex playmate, friends with benefits. That’s about it. Fuck buddy. That’s what you got. Don’t try to wife up a fuck buddy. Don’t try to wife up the hoe. It just doesn’t work. She’s not changing for you. Women vote with their feet. She’s with you and she’s with him. So you got to assume she’s probably fucking both of you, and who knows, maybe there’s a third guy in the mix you don’t even know about. You just don’t know what you don’t know, but it’s pretty clear from her actions that she don’t care about your boundaries. She don’t respect you as a man anyways. She just walks all over you and you put up with it because you’re a bitch. Plain and simple. If you act like a bitch, women will treat you like a bitch. So change the terms of your relationship based upon how she’s operating, which is, “Hey, we’re going to be friends with benefits and fuck buddies. That’s it. I’m going to date other women and sleep with other women. When I find somebody who wants to date and sleep with me exclusively and has the same value system that I do, then she and I are going to ride off into the sunset together, and then you can go live full time with the baby daddy. At that point, I won’t really give a shit anymore.” It’s pretty simple. You got the leverage. She’s broke. What’s she got? She got nothing. So go live that way, let her be the one begging you to be exclusive with her, begging to get married and promising never to do it again, never to stay over, whatever.

If you look at it, what’s done is done. You’d be silly to get her back, because soon as she gets comfortable, say you stick to your guns, you start dating other women, then eventually she’s like, “Oh, I want you all to myself.” Then you tell her what you want, she’ll probably be that way for a while, but soon as she’s comfortable or maybe after you guys get married, then she’ll just start staying over at this guy’s house again. So that’s all you can really do. It doesn’t sound like you’re giving her any money or doing anything for her. So if you put yourself in her shoes, if you’re broke as a joke and you can’t provide the same things that the ex-husband can, and it doesn’t seem like she can earn any money on her own, wants to, or is capable of it, well she needs somebody who can take care of her. It sounds like the ex is still taking care of her and you’re not or you’re not capable of it.

Why don’t you find somebody that’s actually on your level? Somebody that is capable of paying her car payment, renting her apartment and paying her rent on time, keeping her place clean. I mean, you should be dating women with a minimum level of competency and she’s like a child that’s being taken care of by her ex. It doesn’t sound like you’re in a place where you can do that anyway. So change the terms of your relationship to match how she’s showing up, and then you won’t be stressing about this because it’s totally unnecessary.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.

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Published on January 21, 2025

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