This is an email I got from a client recently. This was a few days after our first phone coaching session. He contacted me after things started going sideways with a girl he had been out with three times. He was too easy and available. He did a lot of things wrong, and therefore the girl he liked lost interest in him and gave him a brush off.
Here’s his email:
I’m going to make some comments in (parenthesis like this) to your email:
I took your advice and waited until today to contact the girl I’m after. After little informal greetings like how she’s doing, (It’s a waste of time making informal greetings. Get to the point. “Hey girl, would you like to have dinner with me Tuesday? I’ll pick you up at 8 pm?” Remember, the phone/texting/email is to set appointments, not give out information or chit chat), I asked her if she’d want to get together. I gave her a specific time and date, (good job). These were in text messages, but her exact response when she replied was, “Sorry I was in an exam and just got out. I don’t think I can, I’ll be in Jefferson. I really like hanging out with you, but for now I’m trying to focus on my school stuff and family. It’s nothing you did, (except lower my interest level). I’m just trying to piece together my life, and the timing is bad.” (This means, you’ve lowered my interest level by being too easy and available, always answering my texts right away, and accepting a date with my friends and I. You have not been enough of a challenge to me, and now I just have feelings of friendship for you. You’re too easy and I know I can have you. You showed all of your cards too soon, instead of letting me wonder where I stood with you.)
I’ve never had this excuse before, but from hearing it said to other guys, I’m pretty sure it’s bullshit. (Yep, just like I once heard, “I’m not sure where I’m able to be at this point in my life right now.” That was a classic! Two weeks earlier, she was sucking the tongue out of my throat). I was hoping you had some advice on the subject or if you could let me know whether I should just drop it. I really like the girl, but I feel like I might be trying for nothing at this point.
Like we talked about on our first phone coaching session, you did too much too soon. You projected your own high interest level on this girl and ignored her interest level in you. As you did things to turn her off, you did not notice it slowly dropping. Now that you have backed up, she has shown her true feelings for you. She thinks you would be a good friend, but not a potential boyfriend. That’s why it’s so important in the beginning to set specific dates, one per week max, stay off the phone chit chatting and not treat a new girl like someone you have been with for a while. It allows you to remain mysterious. When she’s not with you, she is wondering if you are with another girl or what you are doing. If you are constantly texting her and talking only days after meeting, the mystery and challenge evaporates. You then are perceived as predictable and boring. A guy who is successful with women does not have the time for this, (texting and chit chatting). He is too busy with his career/purpose and other girls who have proven they warrant his time. You have to make her earn your love and respect. When you give it away like it means nothing, a woman will treat it, and you, as such.
When you don’t feel confident or sure of yourself, women can feel it. By using the strategies I teach and following them, you will appear confident even though your body language and words may be communicating weakness. She will feel something is not right with you. However, since you do everything right and don’t do things that needy, weak guys do, she will ignore your body language and words that communicate weakness, (mostly). It confuses her. Therefore, your actions are consistent with someone who has self control and confidence even when you don’t feel it inside. Your body language, words you choose and your confidence will build and grow over time as you continue to have successes. You, in essence, “fake it until you make it.” If you selectively follow what I teach, and your body language communicates that you are unsure of yourself and not 100% confident, you don’t have a chance. You will consistently get 2-3 dates, and then be blown off. The more you follow what I teach, the more success you will have, and the further you will get with each woman.
Now, when she said “I really like hanging out with you, but for now I’m trying to focus on my school stuff and family,” I would have texted back, “Well, when you’re ready to have some more fun, reach out to me. Until then, keep in touch.” Then, you simply never contact her again, EVER, unless she contacts you first. In a few weeks or a month or so, you may hear from her again. Most guys, when hearing what she said to you, will start pursuing her harder, which simply causes her to ignore the guy or tell him not to contact her again. By texting what I mentioned above, it leaves the door open. It’s possible she may contact you in the future. There also could be a relationship with another guy she liked that is starting to progress, and thus she will want to focus on him and not you. It may be another ex boyfriend trying to come back into the picture as well also. You never know. Don’t bother asking, because you won’t get a straight answer. However, what’s done is done, so all you can do is walk away at this point. You wanted something romantic with her. For now she wants friendship. That’s not what you are looking for, so all you can do is walk away and never look back. If she contacts you, set a definite date and tell her you will see her then.
In between now and the next time we talk, you should be meeting women and getting 2-3 new phone numbers per week. Practice and… FOLLOW THE SYSTEM!!!!! Stop cutting corners, and you will stop cutting your success short. Repetition is the mother of skill. Go back and re-read the book. Focus on the first several chapters that cover dating and pick up. You need to clean up your approaches and your dating. Treat every woman the same, no matter how ugly or pretty she is. I can tell you also have been treating the girls you really like differently than the ones you don’t care that much about. You deserve a 10, but you’ve got some work to do to get yourself ready to handle a 10. Stay focused, do the work and together with my help, you will get to where you want to be.
From my heart to yours,
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur