Why your life and your relationships are a direct reflection of what you believe about yourself to be true, and how learning to balance your desires and resist the influence of your fears, self-doubts and limitations can help you take positive action to improve the quality of your lovers, friends, job prospects and business opportunities.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who shares how discovering my work has helped him to change the way he perceives the past, present and future. He’s forty years old and married his first wife, even though he was not in love with her, because she got pregnant. After a messy divorce, due to his ex-father-in-law causing problems, he finally became single and put it behind him.
He shares how my work has helped him to discover why his relationships after his divorce did not work out. He brings up several revelations he has had about how his limiting and often negative self-perception influenced the kind of women he tended to attract into his life and the challenges he faced. He also shares how he will no longer settle for second best and less than what he really wants, and why his focus has now changed for the better. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.
You have changed my life, and the way I perceive the past, present and future will never be the same. You are the man! I’m sending you this email for no other reason but to express my deepest gratitude for your non-stop mission to improve people’s lives if they choose to “take part in their own rescue,” as you put it. I’m 40, confident, reasonably good looking, have reasonable luck with the ladies and have an idea of where I’m heading in life. (I don’t believe in luck. We make our own luck. The key is taking advantage of the opportunities when life presents them to us.) My story is as follows…
Firstly, my mother died when I was 6, and I never had a female role model, apart from grandma, to show me to know how to deal with women, their emotions, interact with or even what a good women was. I’ve basically always been looking for a woman, which I put down now to the fact I didn’t have one around growing up. Like you, I married at an early age to a woman I didn’t love. (There’s so much societal pressure when you’re in your twenties to get married. That’s when it takes a lot of inner strength to walk away.) It was purely because she fell pregnant. She caught me by going off the pill, not telling me, and pressure from family, so I went through with it. We had 2 boys in our 8-year marriage, which ended in 2009, due to various faults from both sides. After 3 years of messy divorce proceedings, due to her father being involved and trying to screw me over, which I didn’t give in, I have had 3 relationships with women and a few flings here and there, and after studying your book and videos, I know why these relationships didn’t work out. It had a lot to do with my own fears, settling for second best and slightly beta behavior. (If you really care about the person you’re with and you know how to treat them, you are much more inclined to do the things necessary to make the relationship prosper and grow. You’re willing to go the extra mile for somebody you really care about, who shows they’re loyal and who gives back to you in the same way.)
My beta behavior would kick in when I felt I had upset my partner, as opposed to communicating like you outline. This would teach my partner that to get my attention, all she had to do was crack the shits, and I’d come running like a little bitch. (You were basically a pleaser. You were doing anything to avoid pissing her off. However, that causes the woman to lose more respect, and as time goes by, her attraction level drops even more. Then she becomes even more disrespectful and rude.) I can just about tell you the exact moment I thought these relationships weren’t really what I was looking for, but I chose to continue for fear of being lonely and a scarcity mindset, due to the loss of my mother, marriage and not seeing my boys every day. (That’s the benefit of reading my book. It gives you a strategy that works. You’re not going to get every single woman, but you will get somebody whose goals and values are aligned with your own. However, if you have a pattern of settling for less, over time you will lose hope.) Like you say, a woman is built to receive a man and open up emotionally, and due to my fear and mindset of being lonely, I went along with it, not really putting 100% in. Based on, you attract what you are, I also attracted insecure and needy women, which after awhile became hard work. (People who don’t think they are worthy tend to date people who are a bit lower level quality than they are, because they know the other person is way more into it than they are, and it’s easier.) I lost interest and became indifferent, which made them chase me more, a viscous cycle. You’re 100% right, indifference, mystery and women being unsure of men emotionally draws them to you even more. These women would focus on our relationship 110%, stop looking after themselves, stop seeing friends, stop their hobbies and become obsessed with me, while I was continuing with my purpose, desires, hobbies, mission and doing what makes me happy. (They needed you more than wanted you. When they were fearful you weren’t going to be in their lives, they gave up everything to come after you. That’s not healthy or attractive.) These women didn’t love me in a way that made me feel free. I think that was a big reason I couldn’t fall in love with them. (They acted like they didn’t deserve you. As your confidence level grows and your skills grow, you’ll want better.)These relationships didn’t end well, as the women were more emotionally involved than I was, and because they weren’t what I was looking for in the beginning. I failed in approaching and dealing with women correctly, due to my lack of knowledge, beta male behavior, and settling for second best. Since my divorce, I already set a course to better my future by going back to college and studying business, which has always been an interest of mine, and I am in the process of ramping that up to gain better jobs for a better future. It’s a continual process. (Just like every great professional athlete, to reach your full potential and be totally self reliant, it’s a continuous process of trying to get better. No matter how good you are, you can always get better.)
I have read your book 4 times to date, and it has opened my eyes dramatically, shown me how to be a better man, my bad traits in past relationships and what I am actually looking for in life. (In other words, you have become completely focused on your outcomes, which is the most important thing. Not only do you need to know what you want, you have to have compelling reasons for why you want it.) I thank you for your work. It truly is inspiring. I’m gaining knowledge of how to deal with women, which I have never realized before, and I am also reading Dale Carnegie’s, “How To Win Friends and Influence People,” another great read and solid material. (I highly recommend that book. They should be teaching that to kindergartners.) I am now focused on only getting into relationships I really want, as opposed to settling for second best. (Settling for mediocrity becomes a habit for most people. That’s why it’s so important to know what you want and why you want it. When someone or something comes along that’s not what you are looking for, you have to have the inner strength to let it go and say, I deserve better. As you get better personally, you’re able to attract better quality people and better quality circumstances for your life.) It’s not worth it to both parties. I’m currently dating using the principles you outlined and can see the benefits already.Again Corey, I can’t thank you enough for your work and selfless actions. I’m truly inspired, more confident, centered, measured and becoming a little better every day. (That’s all you can really do. As General George Patton said, “If a man does his best, what else is there?”) All the best to you.
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“You become what you believe you are, deserve and are capable of becoming. Successful people focus on becoming what they want to be, despite their fears, limiting beliefs and self-doubts. Successful people believe, one day, they will finally find a way to accomplish what most believe is impossible or unlikely. Unsuccessful people avoid potential failure and rejection, because of the potential pain they think they may experience if they really go for what they want. They tend to play it safe, and therefore, mediocrity and settling becomes a way of life for them. They surround themselves with people who support and justify living lives that are less than what they are capable of living. In reality, playing it safe is a recipe for a life full of regrets, missed opportunities and what-ifs. People who take risks, live outside of their comfort zone and look at failure as simply an opportunity to learn from their mistakes so they can get better are the ones who accomplish the impossible and usually change the world.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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